Need help- what do I do?

[truth4me]

I'm in a spot here. I've had this relationship with this 38 year old woman I love her and she tells me how I've helped like no other man that she never had a father and she says this where were you when I was growing up? She will come by my home 2 ,3, 4 times a week and visit and she leaves filling so wonderful about herself for I tell her truth about herself and I've seen this person grow and she feels the same about me yet she asks for my patience she was staying at another mans home for she had no place to go and she says she is not having sex yet I'm 53 and understand a lot now my house is now open with no one living there but me. Here hers situation high school dropout, no GED, no job,no source of income legally 400.00 a month child support she pays and a mother who doesn't want her around. She has tried hard to shed her image as a street walker and she looks great and feels wonderful about herself she feels though now she can maintain her outlook yet the truth of the matter she feeds off my energy and I love her but I deserve a good life also and I feel that if I stop seeing her it will hurt her badly and it would for the energy she gets from me would be gone I just know in my heart it would tear her apart for her to see me with another women yet I must do something I just know she would fall apart but I also deserve a good life should I explain my feelings to her and that I was going to find that someone in my life in which she is it and she keeps telling me she has never felt like this about no other man and she has given me money and such yet ask me to hang on a little longer......what do I do?

[watchZEITGEISTnow]

go with ya heart man!

[LahTera]

Sometimes the truth hurts. If you respect her, you'll be honest with her. If you don't take care of your own self, how can you help others? And if you ignore yourself for her sake, don't you think you might end up resenting her for it?

[northstar]

Sweetie, you are in a toxic, co-dependent relationship and she is playing you like a fiddle. Release all the anguish and guilt you are feeling and put that energy into setting healthy boundaries and taking care of yourself.

As soon as you drop her she will have someone else to step in and take your place within a week. It is very likely she already has a few on the hook right now, unbeknownst to you. It is hard for you to "see" that because you are a decent guy who has empathy and morals.

Any book on codependency or setting healthy boundaries would be very helpful for you right now.

Here are some helpful links:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/0007498
http://terricole.com/setting-and-enforcing-healthy-boundaries/
http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm

[Spiral]

You need to tell her that you can't live in limbo, & that you don't want to be single & live alone, that you need a partner and she is filling that space without being one.

[Fred Steeves]

Whew, that's a tough one man. All I can share with you is my personal experience in this sort of thing, and also that of my wife. When someone needs our energy as a crutch, it seldom ends well no matter what we do. If it's ended now it will be difficult and heart breaking, and you will likely be made to feel guilty for "abandoning" this person. But then the longer it goes on the more ingrained it will become, and you'll have to end it at some point anyway just for your own health and peace of mind.

It may sound cold, but there is a big big difference between helping someone who's down, and carrying them the rest of the way. At some point they have to learn to stand on their own two feet again, and under their own power. This is what they desperately do not want to face, but face it at some point they must.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish the very best outcome possible for the both of you...

[SKAWF]

erm... have you thought about faking your own death?

on a more serious note, if someone has fallen over, you help them up.
on the understanding that once they are back on their feet,
they can carry on along their own path, and you can carry along yours

its not wise to help someone get back up, for the rest of their life.

if there's no chance of a relationship etc, then its time to move on.
otherwise she will become dependent, and you will end up shooting the bitch (sorry lol its one of those days!)

its a choice... one way, or the other.
get further into it,
or make your way towards the exit.

i would give your own feelings 51% priority, and hers 49%
no one else will look after you, you have to do that for yourself.

same goes for her.

[CD7]

Sometimes the truth hurts. If you respect her, you'll be honest with her. If you don't take care of your own self, how can you help others? And if you ignore yourself for her sake, don't you think you might end up resenting her for it?

That's why finding a balance between being there for her but at the same time not letting go of too much of yourself is key. Your the one who draws those lines.. You do wht you can, BE HONEST, and when you feel you are being asked to go too far you (within your heart) speak up and let her know

[Another1]

but I deserve a good life also
... if it's truly a game of emotional blackmail then following the heart is how we get into situations like that imo - adding our large head at top of body to the decision making leads to what you wrote. "... you deserve a good life also ..." Personally, I'ld rather be pummeled by a dozen angry drunk Marines than take 5 minutes of a true pro bursting into tears of anger over deserting them. Communicating as much as you have in this post is near impossible in person as the drama and tears build. Can you print your OP and show her?

[jiminii]

tell her that an old love you lost long ago has somehow found you and you're completely lost. You can't decided which one to choose because then you will be breaking 2 hearts at the same time so for now you only want to be friends and ask her to please understand.

jim

[Lifebringer]

Tell her if she needs help with getting some form of job or education, you could help her 6 months. Sign a contract to show her this is what you do. In that six months time really help her find a job with applications online(since she may already have some skills texting) Sounds like SocServices did a number on her self esteem. Try night classes or chef or even the "Molly Maid" house, office, or some form if intake service. This is the right time, for her to correct and really give her chances in life. She'll have 8 hrs of work, if she can get it, come home when her child comes from school. She has to utilize, that time for improvement, and establish a foundation for her and the child as a role model.

Also, it tells her you are just a helping soul that wants to see her do better and am willing to help, provided she takes advantage of your help to do some good to be independent. She may have to lean on a boyfriend or two in search for that other income, or perhaps find someone similar to yourself, while she is around you and the new girl friend when you get one.. but in real world, what we want to happen at a time frame, doesn't always coincide with our wishes. So it may take a year for her to achieve the schooling, and once she starts, check with agencies temp services, or general work, until she can pull herself up. It's a long climb, especially now to try and find the American Dream again. I have 4 degrees, but while obtaining them, had to do just what I told her. I was in between husbands twice, and had to continue with 6 children. The question is: "Does she want it enough to try and do better. It's all at a soul's pace, and if you aren't that close to her, then by all means, ignore this. However, a new woman in your life, will recognize, that you have a good heart. Not saying do it for that practice and growth, but you sound like you are concerned, and if you have a garage, make a small space for her and the child, away from you and your new girl, to bring security, in all relationships concerned. You never know, your new girl, may need a woman to talk to sometimes.

[Sunny-side-up]

Hi truth4me just lay it all out on a plate and take it from there!

As for you being 53 well loads of time to have fun and be with someone kk

Off topic hi CD7
nice new avatar ;)

[Selene]

Whew.

When I see the word “streetwalker” in this context: couch surfing in the home of a kindly, older single man - the next word I think of is: “drug addict” followed by “her dealer” and “her pimp.” Not you, of course, but her “friends”.

The usual scenario is this: (and take it from me, I’ve had extensive experience with this sort of thing as a community activist working with social workers, police and politicians on drug, prostitution and homelessness-related issues in my city. This one is textbook, I’m sorry to say.)

• She is desperate and vulnerable; you are kind and well-meaning.

• She asks to sleep on your couch – in a manner of speaking – and then begins to need money and other aid, in exchange for… and promises, promises of good intentions. Her story is dire and may very well be true.

• One day, she will be visited by her “boyfriend”/dealer/pimp. He will begin hanging out at your place. You become hopeful that things are looking up.

• Other “friends”/addicts will begin visiting this dealer/pimp who will start dealing from your residence.

• If you confront him, he will suddenly become very nasty and potentially violent. He will threaten you with eviction or cutoff of your pension if you go to the authorities to report them, implying that you will be implicated. As an honest person, you have no idea, and become trapped and fearful..

• And voila!, your home has become a crack den.

Yes. True. We see this all the time. sometimes entire senior-only residential buildings which the city owns and operates can be taken over in this way.

Please, please, Truth4me, get some prompt advice or assistance from your local agencies in removing this young lady from your residence and your life before this deteriorates further, and it will. Her situation is undoubtedly a difficult one – but please recognize that you personally do not have the ability to deal with her issues. Please get her out of your home and life ASAP.

As Jimi has suggested, invent a long-lost son/daughter/grandchild who is unexpectedly coming back to your home to live with you – and you need the space by Monday as you very kindly drive her to the social agency or homeless shelter.

All best wishes,

Selene

P.S. And in case you are wondering, there's about a 99% correlation between prostitution and drug addiction. If she's hooking it's a virtual certainty that DRUGS ARE INVOLVED here. Sorry, but it's simply true. This has nothing to do with the person, but The Drug doesn't care. It will eventually destroy everything and everyone in its path - including you.

[kenaz]

First tell yourself the truth and really live with it. Don't turn away.
You are not being a bad person to let her fail on her own. She is in your brain
and thoughts (a lot of this is habit). You are her drug, fix and she is yours.
As you pull away it will be painful as withdrawal from any drug. It will get better.
Don't make up stories or excuses. You've already been doing that. Did it work?
Lastly she will pull out ALL the stops to keep you from taking away her high.
Observe this. See how this effects you and if it comes from love or fear.
Been there. Best to you.

[ulli]

Whew.

When I see the word “streetwalker” in this context: couch surfing in the home of a kindly, older single man - the next word I think of is: “drug addict” followed by “her dealer” and “her pimp.” Not you, of course, but her “friends”.

The usual scenario is this: (and take it from me, I’ve had extensive experience with this sort of thing as a community activist working with social workers, police and politicians on drug, prostitution and homelessness-related issues in my city. This one is textbook, I’m sorry to say.)

• She is desperate and vulnerable; you are kind and well-meaning.

• She asks to sleep on your couch – in a manner of speaking – and then begins to need money and other aid, in exchange for… and promises, promises of good intentions. Her story is dire and may very well be true.

• One day, she will be visited by her “boyfriend”/dealer/pimp. He will begin hanging out at your place. You become hopeful that things are looking up.

• Other “friends”/addicts will begin visiting this dealer/pimp who will start dealing from your residence.

• If you confront him, he will suddenly become very nasty and potentially violent. He will threaten you with eviction or cutoff of your pension if you go to the authorities to report them, implying that you will be implicated. As an honest person, you have no idea, and become trapped and fearful..

• And voila!, your home has become a crack den.

Yes. True. We see this all the time. sometimes entire senior-only residential buildings which the city owns and operates can be taken over in this way.

Please, please, Truth4me, get some prompt advice or assistance from your local agencies in removing this young lady from your residence and your life before this deteriorates further, and it will. Her situation is undoubtedly a difficult one – but please recognize that you personally do not have the ability to deal with her issues. Please get her out of your home and life ASAP.

As Jimi has suggested, invent a long-lost son/daughter/grandchild who is unexpectedly coming back to your home to live with you – and you need the space by Monday as you very kindly drive her to the social agency or homeless shelter.

All best wishes,

Selene

P.S. And in case you are wondering, there's about a 99% correlation between prostitution and drug addiction. If she's hooking it's a virtual certainty that DRUGS ARE INVOLVED here. Sorry, but it's simply true. This has nothing to do with the person, but The Drug doesn't care. It will eventually destroy everything and everyone in its path - including you.

I had a similar situation years ago, where I was singled out by a crack addict with a child.
It started just like the OP's story, and me with my savior complex fell right into it.

At one point her little girl was living with us for two weeks with no sign of the mother.
Then she appeared and instead of taking her kid home she moved twenty cartons of her belongings onto my terrace, all the time promising to remove them.

My then husband made me call the authorities and report her for child abuse.
It turned out she was in the island illegally and so she ended up being deported. Tough situation.
I can now see clearly how my own need to help her caused my own marriage to go south.
Can't have been easy to have been married to me.
I still try to help people, and also stray animals,
but am much firmer now.
My self image no longer needs anyone's gratitude.

[Mu2143]

.....................

[donk]

And unconditional love is truth. Your truth is the situation is not positive to you.

Change the situation, staying in your truth, expecting none in return. Be true to yourself. Sounds like you're starting to. Stay on that path, no matter how hard it feels. If you do, in the end, you will have learned, grown, spread REAL love, taken responsibility, and come out better for it.

I think most of us have been through it. It ain't easy getting resolving without total devastation. Gotta try though. Sending you love

[Conaire]

There's been some good advice already shared. I'd just add to follow your instinct, or as watchzeitgistnow wrote, go with your heart.

You are not doing yourself any favors but staying in a relationship that your heart isn't in. If you want a relationship you need to make space in your life for that person to enter. If you are emotionally involved with another person then that space isn't there. But at the end of the day; Only you know the answer to what's best for you.

[Veiled Rain]

Compassion. You understand her plight--as well as your own--- what does your heart tell you?---follow your intuitive nature--love her and love yourself as one who shares a bond.

Life affords us challenges---call on the help of your guiding force---h/she will lead you in the right direction.

We are here to experience the gamut of human emotions and desires--each tribulation is a lesson.

Show her your heart and understanding without compromising yourself.
Reciprocate her affections but no ultimatums(this seldom works for eithers benefits)--The hurters soul more often hurts more than the hurtee.
Karma is a balancing force in nature
Everything changes--life never stays in stasis.

Afford yourself room to grow and you will be rewarded from within.
Do not pass on a being who could be your destiny/soulmate---there is no rush for this---and neither of you are having a crisis---sometimes the thoughts can become repetitive and obsessive when dealing with the heart chakra--breathe deeply and let it flow---the waves always caress the shore.

revel in the moment--not what may happen tomorrow. Love is the ultimate truth to share or give another soul.
Namaste :hug:

[Anchor]

I'm sorry to bump this thread. I'm reading it because of t4m's other thread today which involved the contemplation of suicide.

HELP YOURSELF FIRST.

You are no good to anyone in the state you are in.

Please consider getting away from this situation hard and fast. You are being exploited.

If necessary MOVE.

Leave it all behind you. Find somewhere else and take some time to heal.