What's wrong with me?

[LivioRazlo]

After much reading on this website, I feel comfortable talking about this with all of you in the hopes I may nail down and chisel out the issues I'm facing in my life at this current time.

I want to say that everything began in my senior year of high school. At that time, I was an overachiever: 3.7 GPA, National Honor Society member, top 20 of my class, involved in multiple extracurricular clubs and more importantly, passionate about my artistic and creative nature.

It was about this time in life that I was chronically smoking marijuana with my friends every chance I got and would spend every dollar I earned on it and became consumed by it. By all means, I do not believe that drugs were the cause of my issues, just a way to escape the dysfunctional family I came from.

For many years after graduating high school and being kicked out of college for low grades and a few citations for possession of marijuana, I continued to use the drug as well as experiment with others. I learned how to cultivate psilocybin (magic mushrooms) and was opened up to a whole new "reality". I honestly couldn't believ some of the things I experienced and began have deep discussions about God, life, and everything in between. Close friends couldn't stand when I would go off on one of my tangents, I assumed it was either because they didn't feel as I did, or, just didn't care.

In about 2010, I was arrested for possession of a narcotic and spent three sobering months in jail. It was at this time I learned who my true friends were and that family was all I really had. Since this incident I have continued being sober and sought to create a future where I would be successful (in my own mind)and be the man I was meant to be. The only issue is, I feel like I have lost the passion for everything in life that made me once love it so much. At this moment, I could say that I'm very lethargic and will only accomplish what needs to be done as late as possible. I don't draw anymore, read or write or have the drive to educate myself further to have a decent career. I see all my friends having children and settling down and here I am still single and living on my own, not really envious or jealous of what they have, but finding myself wishing it was my time.

A close friend of mine had suggested that I could have ADD/ADHD. At hearing this, I became worried and studied up what I could from articles found on the Internet. I took 4 self-tests which told me that I exhibited symptoms and characteristics of someone who has adult ADD. I became a little worried because honestly, I don't want to be evaluated by some psychologist and prescribed pills which will dumb me down and take what little life I have left in me.

My question to the community, have any of you found yourself in a somewhat similar situation and how did you pull through it to regain the essence of who you are back?

[Carmen]

I have no personal experience of what you have experienced but I'd say that the drugs have done what the controllers of this realm intend them to do, dumb down the people, especially the young ones. Make them lethargic, hopeless and controllable! You are going to have to create a new reality for yourself, day by day, moment by moment. Go back in your mind to when you were alive, passionate and succeeding. Live to in your mind until you become it. Fake it till you make it.

I'll probably be jumped on here for saying that marijuauna is ****, but it is. Give it up, for good. Good luck. Your life is what you make it. You just have to re-make yours. And you are young enough to do it.

[LivioRazlo]

I'll probably be jumped on here for saying that marijuana is ****, but it is. Give it up, for good. Good luck. Your life is what you make it. You just have to re-make yours. And you are young enough to do it.

Oh I have Carmen, three years ago and sober since. I'm just confused on what my life is supposed to mean and how to regain what I used to have back. You've brought up some interesting points and I will ponder on this. Thank you for the insight.

[GaelVictor]

You don't realize in what an excellent position you are as to really getting to the point of getting to know yourself on multiple levels.
Your path is clear to me, it's not random or ADD driven at all, you are on the path to self cognizance..

Read Gurdjieff's "Meetings with remarkable men" followed by "Life is real only then, when 'I AM'" that will get you on track:yo:

[LivioRazlo]

Thank you Hatemachines, I will be ordering these from Amazon hopefully by the end of the week and will get right on reading them! :cool:

[Anchor]

My question to the community, have any of you found yourself in a somewhat similar situation and how did you pull through it to regain the essence of who you are back?

Personally no, not drug related, but other crisis of motivation related.

> What's wrong with me?

Perhaps not as much as you might think!

The fact that you can post a thread like this, strongly indicates to me that you are about to make a constructive choice about how you take your life forward.

All power and blessings to you in that.

Most of my friends who went down this path got to a point where they had a clear choice. Some didn't make it and their remaining incarnation was a harsh, rapid spiral to the end. Most of them did make it and they now bring a deep wisdom to the world (as I feel you will do in due course).

In order to do that effectively they had to thoroughly clean themselves up.

Good food, good exercise, no drugs, no alcohol, lots of nature and a tendency towards those activities which are of service to other people in some way. A common theme was forms of spiritual work - practices, learning and seeking.

I can't advise you on ADD/ADHD. These conditions, like all of them are what I call distortions, and that which is distorted can be made undistorted.

Healing is possible for all things. Creating the best conditions in your body for that healing to take place is - as you have concluded, is something best to be tried by yourself first; but do not completely disregard the assistance of a properly motivated, holistic medical professional - even if they do use chemical tools.

You sound like a typical wandering soul who has had a rude awakening into a wider reality. Take it easy, everything will work out. If you need help, ask for it.

You are not a loser.

I dont know where you stand spritually, but have an energetic hug and a friendly hand on the shoulder from me. If I were there now, I would be giving you a bit of a lecture on this, so its just as well I have a keyboard in the way :)

[meeradas]

As trivial as it may sound: Do you work out?
If nothing helps, turn to the physical (you're in a body, put it to use).
As little as 10 minutes daily (yes, make it a habit) can change a lot.

PS: Comparing yourself to sth you don't wanna have/be doesn't make sense, does it. Look ahead.

[Mu2143]

..........................

[Isserley]

There are 2 ways for pharmaceutical companies to make money - 1. they have to came up with new drugs and 2. they have to came up with new diseases

ADD/ADHD is deception, way to make children addicted on chemical supstances..
This is not my oppinion only - before his death, father of ADHD Leon Eisenberg admitted it was a fictitious disease.
http://www.naturalnews.com/040938_adhd_fictitious_disease_psychiatry.html

If you want to regain the essence of who you are back - stop thinking that something is wrong with you, that youre ill. Find your sppirituality in nature.
As a child, I was always very enthralled with stories of magic, fairies and mysticism. As I got older, I retained that sense of wonder when connecting with nature. Nature has its own way of keeping the balance :)

[Mu2143]

.......................

[Lettherebelight]

Hi LivioRazio! I went through a very difficult time in my early twenties, a real 'dark night of the soul' type journey. I believe those who actively seek spiritual advancement must sometimes be forged through this type of fire at some point...it may necessary to move to the next level.

Yes, I didn't feel like doing anything that I knew was beneficial for me, a very strange time, I felt I had very little control over my life and was just responding to events. I think it is important to not be down on yourself, to try to nurture yourself (I think Meerdas' suggestion of excersise program is good, or cleaning), and to be patient as you transit this period.

From your post, I wouldn't say you have any issues to worry about (ADHD pigeon hole). Remember that your journey in this life is totally unique to you...it's no good comparing yourself to anyone else, that will always lead to dissatisfaction!

So I guess the short answer is...There's nothing wrong with you!

Good luck and Hare Krsna :)

[LivioRazlo]

Man, I cannot express how insightful all of you have been. It almost seems the wait time for a moderator to approve my membership was nothing compared to the plethora of information each of you hold. To answer some of your questions, Meeradas, I haven't worked out for quite some time. In fact the last time I worked out was while I was spending time in jail, since that's the only real thing to do. And at that time, I feel that it did 'clean out' my body in the proverbial sense. After I was released, I came into employment with IBM doing technical support services for Apple and I gained at least 85 to 95 pounds because it's a sedentary job. This is my own fault and I blame no one else for my conditions. I recently quit this job after three years because I felt my dedication was never appreciated and the stress was ruining my life. Here lately in the past couple of months, I guess I could say that my subconscious has been telling me that I need to quit smoking cigarettes, eat healthier and start working out. I'll ponder upon what I have thought and want to make the change, yet do not take action.

Anchor, I do appreciate the insightful information you have laid out to me. I have been attending a non-denominational Christian church and I enjoy volunteering when I can. I feel that I need to break out of this shell I've built around myself in the sense that I feel I'm above or better than others because I 'think outside the box', or see a different perspective. I guess that comes with being an Aquarian. I look forward to any and all information you may be willing to share, as I feel that this website is what I've needed to find for quite some time. Honestly, I cannot even remember how I found this website, probably searching for information about E.T.'s or the like and after reading many of the forums and posts, decided that I needed a membership. Will definitely be donating to the sites upkeep shortly.

Mu2143, I do recall being vaccinated as a child and have not had any since then. I know that there are a lot of external distractions in my life, which I do enjoy, such as television, this computer, and video games. I might try to find a balance with these on allotting myself only limited amounts of time, i.e. computer to be used for homework, video games only when homework has been completed.

Isserley, I did read an interesting article about Leon Eisenberg and how he stated that ADD/ADHD was just something he made up. Funny how some people still believe the lie, or in my case, try to make the lie fit the issues in my life.

[LivioRazlo]

Remember that your journey in this life is totally unique to you...it's no good comparing yourself to anyone else, that will always lead to dissatisfaction!

So I guess the short answer is...There's nothing wrong with you!

Good luck and Hare Krsna :)

Man, you guys are great! I'm trying to listen/watch this video just posted about Philip Corso Jr. and respond to everyone in a timely fashion. Another member that I spoke with on here recommended that I start listening to what I call 'mood music' and meditate for 15-30 minutes a day. I have thought long about this and from all the great responses you all have stated, I guess my subconscious is right and I need to start listening to it more often.

[Mu2143]

................

[LivioRazlo]

Mu2143, I have not seen this particular video that you have posted, but I will be putting it on my 'to watch list' as I have seen a few other videos of his as well as favorited his website and I think he is awesome. As to whether I believe anything he says, well, I take it with a grain of salt. Alex Collier is very intriguing to listen to and I've scoured his website for information on what he has to say. I am uber interested in E.T.'s, expanding my consciousness and spirituality, astral projection and lucid dreaming, conspiracy theories and everything in between. Trouble is, between school and researching everything I find in these forums, I find that there is not enough time in the day for it all and I must pick and choose what interests me most.

[Sérénité]

There's nothing wrong with you Livio, don't let the events of your life and the current phase you find yourself in let you be pigeon-holed into a psychologists category. Dont agree to any medication that you deep down know you don't need.

Your story sounds familiar. A high achiever in my early teens and never putting a foot wrong somehow changed overnight, after family issues and huge personal changes got too much to handle. I went from having a promising future into a spiral of dark despair. I was probably seen as a rebel without a cause, from the outside everything was shiney but on the inside I was totally lost.
I dabbled in just about everything, but formed a close friendship with MDMA which lasted about 8 years. I spent most of that time flitting from job to job, place to place and heart to heart. I got to the point where I didn't really care if I lived or died and just lived for the weekend.
Then a series of fateful events over the course of a couple of years, kick started by a near death experience completely turned me around. I, accidentally, found a new outlet for my creative abilities which became my new drug, I slowly found a new sense of drive and passion and something to focus my mind on. Then the ultimate changer for me, I had a child.

Looking back now, I wouldn't change a thing. You only appreciate how sunny and beautiful it really is out here once you step out of that dark cave.

I think the fact that you have come to the realisation you haven't been in a good place for a while, is the first step to getting away from it.
If you are a creative person by nature, you will thrive on releasing your passion this way. Maybe start back at the beginning. Remember what it was about your creative abilities you enjoyed so much and start with a child's eyes. Stumble around for a while and try find your passion again. Find a new hobby, a new bunch of friends, anything that will click you out of your rut and into a new direction.

The fact that you're on here says clearly you have an open mind and know there is more to life than meets the sleepy eye. Its the fact that you know all this, deep down, that you probably got lost in the first place.

You will look back in 5 years time and see this as a moment of huge change and smile contently to yourself! :cheers:

http://static5.quoteswave.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/The-first-step-towards-getting-somewhere.jpg

[Bubu]

a while back there is a similar thread
http://projectavalon.net/forum4/showthread.php?63085-Lost-my-Passion

I have similar experience, lost passion when I am supposed to having the time of my life, on top of a batch of government scholars started making and accumulated 32 AWOL the whole year not counting the AWL. started marijuana, also diagnose with ADD though I simply laugh it off,

sober for many years kill my ego (well simply make it smaller) started doing house chores and other small things which I enjoy.

Then turned back to sports, swimming biking basketball, peak 8 exercise, fountain of youth exercise etc. the idea is to keep busy while you lighten up your physical by making it healthy, I knew it is difficult to carry yourself to do something when it is weak, but the moment you feel light enough there will be no stopping. My day starts at 4 or 5 am I do the breakfast for 8 people the laundry the marketing, well not all I also have to teach the children to be responsible, at 8 or 9 am head to work in the farm, 5 to 6 pm back home, do the laundry and cooking again, afterwards play basketball or go biking, visit Avalon. I'm tireless and happy and I was once like you.

There is nothing wrong with anyone we are simply unique and not better as well.

And oh yes I love a karaoke session, but no alcohol and cigar and an occasional marijuana.

I disagree with getting rid of marijuana. it is a tool that you should use responsible like a ....kitchen knife.

[wolf_rt]

I can certainly relate to your experience, but unfortunately have not found a way out yet myself, i will keep my eye on this thread.

[delfine]

Hi LivioR. Here´s a video with Scott Kiloby, who has been a long time addict of drugs and alcohol, and who got a
spiritual awakening. There are many good vids whith him besides this:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsPuNJEfDJw&list=UUe3T3YeDTz-nJjjrzNeZw0Q

[Sunny-side-up]

Hi LivioRazlo I went through the same Phases as you have, but luckily for me no the Jail event!

I lived for Art and meditation at same time, but to burn so bright can leave you feeling dark and grey afterwards!

I started my own kind of exercises and worked in circular movements which gelled with meditation, and then I realized my key was BREATHING and exercise and meditation, that refreshed me. I keep a meditative state of mind in daily life and remember to breath well, sounds simple but :).

But there comes a point where because of being the very lucky kind of awake person that you are, well you need to become infused in a great place like Avelon.

You are very well path'd my friend.

If you wan't to star reading again do it here :)

You will find much Light and Love here, stay tuned..

Love Light and Hugs, can you feel it, I really mean it


PS just watched this great ctreative post
http://projectavalon.net/forum4/showthread.php?63174-The-People--s-Voice-Secures-London-Studio-And-Los-Angeles-Studio-In-Our-Sights---...

This could be a great insert into your path, they iE D, Icke is needing help, even artistic creative pep's.

[Dennis Leahy]

Hello LivioRazlo,

What you have written makes me think of input and output. "Garbage in; garbage out" is an old programming adage. If you want different output, then...

Change the input.
We need air, water, food, sleep, and love, to live. To thrive, we need to add exercise, mental stimulation, and (I believe) service-oriented human interaction.

Air: I'd say the cigarettes are robbing you of clean air (and adding toxins to your body.) It is a very tough addiction to break, but if you can, that will help in several ways, including making exercise easier. Yoga is based on ancient scientific principles, and breathing the breath of life (prana) is foundational. I would guess that any form of Yoga would be good for you (stretching and breathing), but I was lucky enough to have had a dear friend steer me directly to Kundalini Yoga, which includes the stretching and breathing but focuses on the spiritual aspect and physical energy centers (chakras) and movement of energy through your body (bodies, really.)

Water: We are mostly water. It is the medium of every cell. Polluted water in a river means struggling, sickness and death to aquatic creatures - and polluted water in our bodies forces our bodies to deal with the pollutants (detoxification) rather than just using the water to thrive. There are some good threads here about water and water quality. Some will recommend distilled, others spring, but you'll find the theme is clean water with no fluoride. Fluoride is insidious, easily breaks the blood/brain barrier, and the spot of highest accumulation in the body is the pineal gland in the middle of our brains. The pineal gland is responsible for melatonin and seratonin, which, among other things, regulate sleep and mood. Many believe the pineal gland is responsible for dreaming and the ability to connect to "higher realms" including the ability to have out-of-body experiences.

Food: You have mentioned a weight gain, and my guess is that this has more to do with specific food intake than a lack of exercise. (It is possible to be rather sedentary without weight gain.) Food nutures your body. For me personally, the movie 'Avatar' is more than an analogy. Along with the information gleaned from hypnosis subjects from Dr. Michael Newton, I believe we literally are spirits driving an avatar. We are the spirits inhabiting our bodies - the spirit is independent and eternal; the body is dependent and temporary. Take poor care of the body - the avatar you drive - and your life will revolve around body suffering or overall dulled sensations and a sense of lethargy and malaise. The average diet in the US may be among the worst in the history of humankind. The specifics of diet is a huge subject, but every bite you put in your mouth should be a conscious choice towards health of the body. The least toxins possible (organic food) means your body is not spending so much energy detoxifying and fighting disease. Many people have drastically improved every aspect of their lives by finding and sticking to a healthy diet. Here, the alternative health information is far better than the mainstream nutritional 'experts' - for example, in eliminating wheat from the diet.

Again, food is a big subject, and I could easily see food being the major causation for what you are describing. It is very difficult to change food habits - work towards it incrementally if you do not have a "cut and run" personality that would allow you to make abrupt changes. A kickstart might be to get a juicer and have fresh blended fruit and vegetable juices for lunch (or maybe a blender and green smoothies for lunch.) It's hard to beat a tall glass of "ABC " juice (apple, beet, carrot), and any healthy fruit smoothie with a handful of baby spinach blended in is pretty awesome too (you won't even taste the spinach.)

Sleep: Adequate (for you) number of hours (probably 6 to 8) of sleep is a requirement for general health. It is not wasted time or laziness - it is critical to health. Your body repairs itself a great deal at night, your mind has a chance to dream, and your spirit has a chance to experience astral adventures. Make sure the room is extremely dark. If you have a TV in your bedroom, you may want to consider unplugging it, lifting it up, walking out of the room with it (and throwing it out a window. hahahahahaha) Drink a tall glass of pure water before you sleep, even if that means you have to get up to pee - it is worth it to be properly hydrated during your sleep cycle.

Love: I would have put this in the list under "thrive" rather than just "survive", except we know that infants not given love are much more likely to die (in infancy.) There may be physiological pathways from nurturing behavior (like being hugged triggers our endocrine system to release chemicals.) I don't know, but suspect that is true. Perhaps that is what puts "love" in the requirements list. Moving to the "thrive" side of the list, love is the most powerful and transformative force. Unlike the decision to go to the grocery store today and get some organic fruit, we cannot say we are going to go out and get another human being to send love to us (though hanging out with puppies and toddlers might be close to a guarantee.) Love is a force that flows and I believe that being immersed in the flow is equally powerful whether the love is coming from others or from yourself. In other words, by loving, the force of love is created and you experience the flow. It is great to be loved by others too, but I don't think there is any requirement that the love you experience come from others. The act of loving can be sort of differentiated from service to others by virtue of the fact that you could be alone and be a fountain of loving energy - just creating the loving energy and sending it out to someone specific, to everyone, or just out into the Universe.

Into the thrive list:
Exercise: Good observation from meerades! Your avatar's overall health and well-being can be greatly enhanced with exercise. Not only are your muscles getting/staying functionally strong and your body's joints limber, but your endocrine system is greatly stimulated as well. Outdoor exercise is even better, as it adds mental/emotional stimulation to interact with other humans, hear the birds, see the distant vistas, smell the seasonal smells (also endocrine triggers), and breath fresh air (assuming you can find high quality - clean - outdoor air where you live.) Even in areas with dirty air, right after a rain shower the air is about as clean as it will get. For those who have put on weight they want to get rid of, diet alone is slow - diet plus exercise is much, much faster to see (and feel) results. Depending on your personality, taking classes/group exercise may be beneficial - you may be a more regular exerciser or push yourself a bit harder in a class than you would do on your own.

Mental stimulation: OK, you already threw your bedroom TV out the window, time to gather up any other TVs in the house and allow gravity and a concrete sidewalk to "fix" them. Finding a group of (sort of) like minded people or people with a common interest/hobby is a great way to get mentally stimulated. If people are true to themselves, you and they will not be "of one mind" but compatible enough to have interesting discussions. It can actually be more stimulating to talk with people with whom you have some disagreement rather than finding people who seem to have exactly your same mindset. (There are several people here at Avalon that I'd describe this way, for me. These people challenge me and force me to examine and reexamine my viewpoints.) Avalon is actually an incredible community with plenty of interesting people to converse with, learn with, share with, and maybe even spar with. Eyeball to eyeball communication, live and in-person, is excellent - when you can find it. It is quite likely that you could find several people local to you that would discuss photography with you (for example), and a lot less likely to find several people that will converse with you about reptoid aliens in underground bases. So, reach out where appropriate and consider yourself very lucky to find people local to you that share an interest in esoterica.

The word "hobby" sounds kind of condescending, let's use "avocation." What do you passionately love to do (or want to start doing?) Do it.

It is not for me to recommend a philosophy (and I won't recommend any religion), but would recommend to allow yourself to be drawn to the philosophy (or blend of philosophies) that you resonate with. This is likely going to be a solo journey (some/most of it is.) This is an area of (potentially) a great deal of mental/spiritual stimulation without needing to find others to interact with. Mentors can help point to the path, but you walk it. Mentors can be living and local or remote (yay, Internet!), or discorporate but their ideas transcribed into books.

Service-oriented human interaction:
Quite possibly the quickest way out of a funk or depression is to volunteer. Once you no longer are looking for this as an activity to help pull you up, it keeps pulling you up anyway. You have to know your own personality, but I'd recommend volunteering where you will not become resentful or overwhelmed. (Don't volunteer to do something you will hate doing.) It is very easy to get sucked in to doing more than you are physically and mentally capable of handling. Think of your volunteering as a marathon, not a sprint. Give some of your time and energy, not all of your time or all of your energy (where you would just burn-out quickly.) This differs from love in that this is love in action - the physical manifestation of love through activity or work.

Hopefully, something here is helpful, LivioRazlo. It is very encouraging that you are reaching out. The very act of reaching out to make your life better is the beginning of the process. You are already on the road. May your journey be "interesting" (hahahahah the old Chinese curse), and may you thrive.

Dennis

[Fred Steeves]

I didn't finally start getting my s**t together til I was in my 40's, some forms of life just need a longer gestation period. :)

You know something else? During that long walk in the desert I used to look around as well, and wonder what was wrong with me. The line from Pink Floyd's "Time" went through my head a lot:


And then the one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun


I saw people with successful careers, people with a purpose, and people who knew what they were destined for in this life at an early age, like being a fireman or something. All these people seemed to just pass me by over time, because they had something in mind to "do". Then there was old Fred, still kind of drifting along, a jack of all trades but master of none. At times I would wonder: "What about me, what am *I* here to do??!!"

Listen man, let me tell you straight up (from experience) that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and you will be just fine. Being stuck is just a passing phase, and this too shall pass. What your life has been thus far is exactly what it was supposed to be all along, the Universe doesn't make mistakes. When your time comes, and it will, you'll look back and realize these lost times were exactly what you needed to make you YOU.

Cheers,

Fred

[Akasha]

I disagree with getting rid of marijuana. it is a tool that you should use responsible like a ....kitchen knife.

I have to agree with Nature on this one.

Occasional use can lead to truly inspired creativity. Habitual use will lead to the absolute opposite and potentially worse, not to mention costing a fortune. When used occasionally and consciously, the experience is a religious one and this should always kept in mind. It's sacrament, not a "drug".

I was a pot-head, no doubt about it, but if I hadn't been, would I be here now? I kinda doubt it....but that's just me.

(edit: by "here" I mean the level of existence/awareness/consciousness I find myself at)

[donk]

I only read the op, so forgive me if I am redundant or going against the grain.

I can totally relate to what you're going through. My armchair psych eval would add in chronic depression to ADD...or I could just be projecting my younger self on to you since you sound a lot like I did.

I was popping any pill anyone would put in my face without thinking (if it was for fun), but when my shrink suggested SSRI's for depression I was terrified.

I took the lowest dose possible of Wellbutrin, and I could feel a positive physical change once they kicked in. Then the I started taking half the lowest dose of adderall possible to help with ADD to get me through me work. The whole time being hypersensitive to how they effected me, and super aware of how addictive they are...so never increased my dosage, and always kept getting off of them in mind.

They are powerful, dangerous tools that I found that with massive self awareness and lots of counseling helped me get through the lowest time in my life. I had huge issues and family that needed me, so if you are generally responsibility free(ish) I would try other routes. It is not easy getting off them and god only knows what price my mind and body are paying, but at the time it was worth it to me, a calculated risk that paid off

I hate to endorse big pharma ever, but their products can work when used properly and are respected...for extreme cases, remembering always that they are a bandaid to stem the bleeding while you work super hard on the real issues (yourself)

Good luck and much love

[Lifebringer]

You may be ADD, and the meds do make you lathargic,(targeted to slow the thoughts for processing) Sometimes the thoughts or attention span is but a few seconds before switching either mood or having a string of incompletes. Maybe you are feeling the incomplete part.
I find whenever there's a lull in life, it is the time to do just as you are doing, "assessment." However, assessment without action leaves you stuck. Are you feeling stuck? If so it may mean that the "physical material life timeline," can no longer function progressively, unless another path is charted, pertaining to something "YOU" like doing, that will allow you to feel you can complete. Maybe it's art, or photography of nature, which really gives the soul a lift, while marveling at the beauty on earth, of even the minutest of species in amazement and understanding it's purpose here?

The assessment is a checklist, and its time to do that often, but a path, goal or plan that you may not know, may show up, if you connect back to what made you happy, and balance what you need to keep check on, "completion" of whatever it is. Sometimes its something that you dreamed, long before you started a family or got heavily involved in the grit and grind of corporate "wood" NOT brass ring. LOL

Balance is what you seek, start with balancing you chemical body, your mind in meditation again, and those drift periods of trance, are connection to the ether. If you ask during that time for help in your path/mission/ your connected higher self, may have been just waiting for you to remember to connect. "incomplete thought/communication, due to attentions malfunction."

[WhiteFeather]

Find what makes you, you.
What has helped me tremendously was to unplug from every day distractions. TV Radio Newspapers. Reading a good book on any topic was a huge success. Going outside and connecting with nature..... a big plus. Listening to music with respect to nature sounds and solfeggios.....was a Rush. Burning a candle or incense whilst collecting my thoughts in a quiet place is bliss. Picking up an instrument and strumming some music (just started to play the native flute) ....stimulates me. Changed my eating habits. I since became a vegetarian...havent been sick in a while since, feeling pretty good.

The best things in life are free...utilize them. And dont forget INTENT.

I wish you well on you journey to bliss and may it find you swiftly, my Kola. ;)

Peace

W.f.

[Sidney]

Hello LivioRazlo, Wow, what a rich post. You are exactly where you are suppose to be at this very moment. Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfect. You might gain some insight from this movie. You really don't even have to watch it, you can listen to the audio only if you like. For now, live for today. Tomorrow, you can deal with tomorrow. Things tend to work themselves out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNYsTPHX-14

[Dorjezigzag]

I learned how to cultivate psilocybin (magic mushrooms) and was opened up to a whole new "reality". I honestly couldn't believ some of the things I experienced and began have deep discussions about God, life, and everything in between.

I get you, after these highs its often difficult to come back to earth and you have seen things that others have no concept of.

But life goes on, sometimes the tough times are merely telling us something is not right and we need to make it right.

I can only go on my own experience it may or may not be for you, but i have found Yoga and meditation of massive use, fortunately as yet they have not made this illegal and you can achieve something of the same connectedness that perhaps you have experienced through other means;).

Yoga of course means union and it can bring you in union with god, essence whatever you want to call it.

Many see Yoga as just gentle stretching done by old ladies and it can be but it can be for everyone else as well and can be a real work out which as meredas has said is great for depression.

I have found a sense of community with people at my yoga studio as well who like to talk about more cosmic subjects not normaly spoken in everyday circles.

[LivioRazlo]

I simply cannot thank all of you enough for the love and wealth of knowledge you have poured out to me. It is truly a blessing. I realize that we are all in this together - the journey of life, and when one falls, others are there to pick them back up. Being a part of this community is certainly something words cannot describe. What I've read and pondered upon has struck many chords within my soul. As of this moment, I'm listening to Alex Jones' live radio show and I can't help but feel either saddened or angered by what's going on. When I try and have an open-minded and intelligent discussion with others about what I've heard, most people are exactly what Jones describes: close-minded and unwilling to deviate from the lie. Part of me wants to stop listening to him as I feel that it may alleviate some stress in my life, but that's not going to solve it. I know that I must keep on keeping on with spreading the news and trying to have open dialog with others - bringing them out of the darkness.

Dennis Leary: You've touched on so many things and I feel that I have only absorbed just a scrape of the knowledge you have. Thank you for giving me something to start with as I continue to seek the answers to my issues.

Fred Steeves: "a jack of all trades but master of none", that phrase reverberates very deeply within me. I enjoy many things in this life: art, music, reading/writing, politics, computer sciences, physical and theoretical sciences, space, religion, the list goes on and on, but I'm sure you get the point. I had a somewhat similar discussion like the thread I have started here with my Public Speaking teacher and what she told me is that I must choose the one I am going to make money at and everything else can just be hobbies. I thought about it for quite some time and concluded that computer sciences is where the money is at, and where my future lies. As for what in computer sciences I want to focus on, that I have yet to determine. You are also spot on with how I feel about life right now, just drifting day to day, going through the motions of what everyone else is doing and not focusing on myself. Yet, is it selfish of me to only focus on myself and my well-being?

Akasha: I have thought about consuming marijuana once again, but to be honest, I know that I have an addictive personality and this is something I will need to overcome and conquer before I can use it once more. I still remember the first time I smoked marijuana and I found it to be eye opening and enlightening.

Lifebringer: I really like some of the concepts put forth in your post. I will try and do a self-evaluation of myself and mull it over a few times. I feel that right now in my life, I am very unstructured and chaotic, yet in the physical reality, I am very OCD organized. Lol.

[doodah]

LivioRazlo, all that time you were using one drug or another, you were not in your right mind. They are, after all, MIND ALTERING drugs. All the ups and downs of getting high and coming down are not a natural state. You can't function in 3-D reality without your whole mind all together and present here.

It is important for you to know that all that drug use has actually affected the stucture of your physical brain, as well as your physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental bodies. This can all be healed, but I would suggest very strongly that you avoid all pharmaceuticals and seek help of a kind that will heal all your bodies. This could start with some very good counseling, with a counselor who is open to all the aspects of the self.

Spiritual work of any kind that attracts you will also help, perhaps most of all. To be so drained of your lifeforce, your life energy, indicates there could be rips or tears in your auric field, where psychic energy leaks out. These can be healed. You can do your own meditations requesting that they be healed, but if you are so drained you can't do this on your own, find help, find out where drumming circles are held or where meditation groups are meeting. You've lost touch with your larger self, your Higher Self, your spiritual self. Work to reconnect and you will be strengthened through your whole being.

All the good suggestions on this thread will help. But if you're not strong enough to "get yourself together," get some help from a live human being whose purpose is to help. I've seen quite a few counselors in my lifetime, for various reasons. There are many different schools, many different roads, but it doesn't matter which road you start out on. Every counselor I have ever met has sincerely wanted to help. Some processes will work for you and some won't, but as long as you keep on putting one foot in front of the other, staying on this road, you will heal.

Healing may take some time, and you can always come on here and find support from these wonderful people on Avalon. That you have posted here is a very positive sign.

[Lifebringer]

Ouch Carmen. Wow, so harsh for someone new, and totally unwelcoming/separatist, and non-understanding of those who come to seek answers. Surely you know that if you have nothing positive to add to someone's question, that the best is not to discourage another question from someone, what? Barely 2 weeks?. Surely you know by now, that someone asking is truly seeking deserves an answer and or respect for the courage to express that publicly. Everyone here has had a tough 1st entrance, and since you your self, haven't experienced, what he or she is talking about, shouldn't you just pay attention and not be so bias with a "good day to you sir?" I'm just saying or really just asking, "are you always that short with people?"

If you will just have some patience, and read some of the stuff on medical marijuana, that is backed by the American Medical Association, and there are several non-profit law enforcement officers that have NORML. YOUR bias of the 'herb" cannibis, will be a very rude awakening on your beliefs and or programming, if you don't explore and do the work. This person's self medication of marijuana, whether he was led to it or not, his life was "happy." Until the pharma psychology diagnosis by those who make money on experimental "lab drugs without testing on humans" will give you whatever you will pay for, and if there is a Seretonin imbalance, it can be done naturally. Fake doctoring of quacks for profit have been around since the beginning of time. Just because the bought the schools, doesn't meant the doctors can't think for themselves on the progress of the "CANANBINOIDS" that the body produces naturally when balanced that fights depression and or other mental dis-orders.

Please I'm not casting judgement, it's just so disrespectful to the new people, to share your inexperienced opinion and NOT facts.

Just my moment of zen and perhaps, an observation.
Maybe I'm just sensitive, but be respectful, every soul has it's own questions, answers, and right to respect, "here."

[Lifebringer]

Man, I cannot express how insightful all of you have been. It almost seems the wait time for a moderator to approve my membership was nothing compared to the plethora of information each of you hold.
This is my own fault and I blame no one else for my conditions. I recently quit this job after three years because I felt my dedication was never appreciated and the stress was ruining my life. Here lately in the past couple of months, I guess I could say that my subconscious has been telling me that I need to quit smoking cigarettes, eat healthier and start working out. I'll ponder upon what I have thought and want to make the change, yet do not take action.

I look forward to any and all information you may be willing to share, as I feel that this website is what I've needed to find for quite some time. Honestly, I cannot even remember how I found this website, probably searching for information about E.T.'s or the like and after reading many of the forums and posts, decided that I needed a membership.

I might try to find a balance with these on allotting myself only limited amounts of time, i.e. computer to be used for homework, video games only when homework has been completed.

Yep, the smoking while still battling stress still keeps me from replacing it with something else. I've smoked since 12years, and it's always been a cane to hold me up, when the stresses of several rotten childhood or NO childhood by the age of 9. Too much responsibility foisted/pushed upon me. There were 4 younger siblings and 2 older that took off or were jailed because of lack of a dream. I call it that, because "a child hears things in others homes." You can hear when people are struggling looking for a job, a way out. Some choose alcohol, pot, or if they are really facing jail time if they don't come up with child support, crime.

Anyway, you're were you should be, with unconditional loving people who will be there when times are tough or confused. Keep asking/knocking and the answers will come. WE are on the soul's journey to graduation from the Earth emotional school or choice.

Welcome.

[Anchor]

Please I'm not casting judgement

With respect, and also with my own brand of judgement, yes you are - very much so.

If I know Carmen it probably wont matter that much though :)

---

Is this thread simply going to argue the pro's and con's of drugs or the constructive or destructive uses to which they can be put?

Surely, we all recognize both scenarios are possible? That drugs of any kind can be a slippery slope or a boon.

[donk]

That drugs of any kind can be a slippery slope.


Amen...and I want to reiterate I do NOT endorse the pharmies...I just found them a useful (necessary) tool in combination with vigilance toward self awareness, really good counseling, huge respect for their power--bordering out right fear....and doses lower than they give kids....in MY situation that was a sh!tstorm on top of drama sandwich with tons of literal insanity (bipolar people) thrown in to boot.

In your case, I'd try the other (holistic ideas first (unless you find yourself in a ****storm drama snadwich :p)

[Dorjezigzag]

Some info about SSRIs

Did you know that sodium Fluoride is also one of the basic ingredients in both PROZAC (FLUoxetene Hydrochloride) and Sarin Nerve Gas (Isopropyl-Methyl-Phosphoryl FLUORIDE) ).

Sodium Fluoride is nothing more (or less) than a hazardous waste by-product of the nuclear and aluminum industries.

Apparently Wellbutrin is not fluoride based but I would not go near it with a barge poll.

You may feel 'more content', but what is the basis of this contentness, for instance aparently people after a lobotomy feel more content

There is nothing wrong with you Lithio and don't let anyone tell you there is, you have survived massive opression, what does not kill you only makes you stronger, you are strong, go live your life;)

[sandy]

Dear LivioRazlo,

Thank you for such an honest, heart felt post. I didn't sober up till I was 32 and boy did I have lots to learn and still do. (I'm now 66 where did the years go....sheesh) My last big meeting of the proverbial WALL (there have been a few throughout my journey)was at the age of 60 and let me tell you it was harrowing :( and I was stuck for some time as well.

I love all the supportive suggestions here on this thread and wanted to add just one more tool in getting through your stuck space. I found "THE MASTER KEY" very helpful in showing me how to quiet my mind along with many other great self help keys. It is free on the net and easy to follow although at first I didn't think I would ever succeed at quieting my mind :)

Much Love to you and Your space as that is all it takes................although if you missed out in the nurturing department growing up, then Self Love and Self Worth will be a process of self discovery and acceptance and in my experience it is a life long journey. Heck look at all the exciting years you have gone through already and the insights and wisdom you have gained while doped up..............hahahha.

Just think what adventures you have ahead and the excitement of not knowing what curve ball, detour or thrill is waiting and that when you turn 66, you too will wonder what the heck happened to all those years!! Life goes on and really is a transition from one stage to the next and that is how we evolve......... or at least, that is how I roll :)

[CD7]

My question to the community, have any of you found yourself in a somewhat similar situation and how did you pull through it to regain the essence of who you are back?



To me a BIG part of gaining your essence has a great deal to do with consciousness---the records you play in your head. Also meditation and going within helps to connect with you. its odd but were inside out---have to go in to find out

Its a process...wouldn't say im all there...but ive noticed the steps and the changes over time

Also having this intention to ask this question to know more.. helps to guide you in the direction u seek

[Bubu]

Hello again,

I reread thread in case I have miss something, I have a bad memory and needs to constantly remind myself. I'm still in the learning process and always will.
Anyways there is one very important thing that needs to be emphasized. and that my friend is "acceptance" know that what it is, is exactly what it is meant to be.

[The Truth Is In There]

your main problem is lack of testosterone (makes people more introverted, in severe cases depressive) so working out, especially high intensity training, will help you the most.

most likely reason for your condition:
one or more of the "traumatic" events in your life activated one or a few of certain relays in the brain. this happens from one moment to the next, instinctively/subconsciously.

two of them in the white matter merely cause testicular necrosis left or right (you won't notice that as long as it's not built up again. one or both balls would merely shrink a bit and produce less testosterone).

another relay in the right cortex when activated causes a lot of the available testosterone to be turned into dht (also creating male hair loss in the process). this is basically a biological program that turns alpha males into beta or omega males. this relay must either be deactivated within 6-9 months or remain active for life (this is the reason why male hair loss can't be undone) because if it gets deactivated after 9 months the person dies of a heart attack (caused by the swelling in the brain. i'm not going to explain the details, just wanted to mention it.)

at any rate, the testosterone level can be increased through exercise, ideally short duration but very intensive, every 2-3 days (alternately weight training and sprint).

if it's merely a testicular relay that was activated and not the one in the right cortex it may be possible to deactivate it by getting a girlfriend. the result would be swelling and pain in the respective testicle (called testicular cancer by mainstream medicine but really harmless). if you sit that out and don't treat it a cyst will be created which produces more testosterone later on.

[Anchor]

TTIIT, is this a medical diagnosis? how do you arrive at these conclusions? Some sources for the theoretical basis might be interesting, I have certainly never read anything like this.

[The Truth Is In There]

TTIIT, is this a medical diagnosis? how do you arrive at these conclusions? Some sources for the theoretical basis might be interesting, I have certainly never read anything like this.

to make it a medical diagnosis we'd have to find out which traumatic events happened in his past and which relays they hit, and see which physical symptoms he has besides the psychological ones. to make 100% sure he'd also have to get a brain ct.

physical symptoms for testicular necrosis would obviously be that one testicle is a bit smaller than the other. if it was due to the loss of a partner, friend or the father and he's right-handed it would be the right testicle. the left for a left-hander. the opposite side would be for the mother or a child. this is something that can be found out easily i think.

many men have this at one time or another, often after losing a wife or gf. if it lasts a long time and then the issue is resolved (finding a new wife or the like) they get swelling and pain in the testicle as the necrosis is built up again. the mainstream diagnosis they get is testicular cancer, and the "treatment" is deadly, if not for themselves then at least for their sperm. it's almost similar for women and their ovaries, btw.

anyway, a different indicator would be male hair loss, as described earlier. that would mean the respective relay in the right cortex is active. he'd also have reduced penile sensitivity and may have angina pectoris. this relay only gets activated first in right-handers. a left-hander could, with the first such trauma, only activate the relay in the left cortex and would get more extroverted, not introverted or depressive, so i'm asuming he's right-handed. otherwise both left and right relay would have to be active and he'd be in a manic-depressive, post-mortal constellation and think a lot about death and perhaps suicide.

on a side-note, these cortical relays are what turns straight people into gays, if the activation is very intense (severe trauma, often very early in life). they're not switches, more like dimmers, so people can have them active and still be straight but if they're hit a few more times a heterosexual male or female could be turned into a bi- or homosexual. it's all very logical and has biological sense but i'm drifting off here.

i'm not aware of any english literature on these concepts, sorry. maybe the op will respond again. then we could find out what caused his situation.