One year ago today....

[dpwishy]

One year ago today I was laying in my bed crying like a small child. One year ago today I was crying to God telling "It" I could not take it anymore. One year ago today I stretched the self so far that It almost snapped. One year ago today I felt a sense of defeat that I never wish to ever feel again. One year ago today was the last day I consumed alcohol. One year ago today was the first day of the rest of my life.....

I wont lie, it was the hardest struggle and battle I ever undertook. Sadly, my drinking in the beginning started as a way to run from my self, to run from my path. Over a decade God explained to me my purpose here, who I was and the responsibilities this entitled. I felt so scared. At times I felt like I had no free will, that I had to become this person. That my life was for others and not for my self. It felt like I was a 4 year old that's parents told them that they had to get straight A's in grade school, get a free ride on scholarship to an Ivy league school and graduate top of the class. That if I did not do these things, I would be a failure and not be anything. Of course God did not put it this way to me but this metaphor is what it felt like deep inside. In the beginning I drank to run from this. The voice, God, was not something I was able to hear when I consumed alcohol. I learned that I did have an off switch, a way to get off my path and that was through drinking. In the beginning I drank to run from my path, from my self but by the end I was your typical addict. Drinking because I had to, drinking because I was addicted. Drinking because I was a slave.

Not only did drinking stop the voice and my communication with God, it slowly made me into a monster. Someone I could no longer recognize. Someone who didn't resemble anything of what God told me I was. Near the end of my drinking I would get so drunk that I would push my consciousness aside and when I did something else would step in. I have learned to be more responsible with any drug or alcohol because of who I am. My light attacks the very opposite of what I am. If I am vibrating at a +5 (this is just to explain) I would attract -5 beings. If I pushed my consciousness to the side so much that I was no longer in control, these entities would step in and take control. It lead to some pretty awful experiences, sadly which I don't remember but my loved ones do. I now see why alcohol is called "spirits".

It got so bad that I did need help. It wasn't something I could do on my own. I hated that I had to go to AA. I hated that I did 90 meetings in my first 90 days as a 28 year old. I hated that one of the steps in AA was that you are powerless over your addiction, that only a higher power can free you from that. It went against everything I learned spiritually. I knew deep down that this could not be the case. As I am, that we are, that high power. I have always taught others that beliefs are like computer programs we run on the human computer. The key to beliefs is believing in nothing. If we can believe nothing, we can believe anything, using belief as a tool. You will start to see beliefs almost like clothing. Something we can take on and off to suit the needs and the environment. Once that belief does not serve you anymore, throw it to the side and put another one on. But to be able to do this you must TRULY believe in nothing therefor you can believe in anything. I had to run the AA belief program on my human computer to beat alcohol addiction. I needed that belief system in the beginning to get my traction but I know see it no longer serves me. I choose to believe that I can and will over come anything by my own will now. But in the beginning, I don't think I could have succeeded without that belief system.

The only prayer I say every day is to give thanks for that in which I have. Although I am grateful for all the things I have in my life, I am more grateful for the things that are no longer in my life at this time. I am not here typing this for any recognition or for anyone to congratulate me. I am typing this for those who are afraid of their self, path and problems. I am typing this for those who are at the bottom to let them know that there is another way. A way that is filled with pride, with dignity and honor. It is my hopes that no one will ever feel what I felt a year ago today. It is my hopes that you will feel comfortable to be who you are and that it does not feel like a burden but a blessing. I am here to say stand up and take responsibility, you are beautiful the way God made you. That it would never give us a challenge we could not face, no matter how great the odds seem. For it is a just God. For it truly is the most amazing unconditional love we could ever imagine. It is my hopes that we never lose sight of this.....

In divine friendship,
your brother,
-michael

[AxisMundi]

Inspirational post there, thanks for sharing. I too was an addict for 15 years plus and can relate to the pain and desperation one finds ones self in the midst of such slavery and also the chaos and hurt it creates for the ones close to us. I wish you all the best on the rest of your journey, from the bottom of my heart :)

[eaglespirit]

Michael...this message of Yours is ringing far and wide and loud and clear and You are right on time with it!

Kudos!!!

As We each decide to live Our Own Truths and face Ourselves in the mirror and smile...We "each" can change thousands of lives for the better and it is time, High Time : )

[rgray222]

Thank you for sharing your story, I think it is important for people to hear it/read it. It is confirmation for those that are struggling that there is a way, there is hope, there is a road that you can find that will start your journey.

I am sharing this short story because I think it is important for people to hear. Not everyone is as fortunate as yourself (or myself), A friend of ours was talented, smart, at times very funny and he was an alcoholic. He dropped off the radar about 6-7 years ago, we did not hear from him. Five years ago I got a call out of the clear blue from a woman who identified herself as a manager at a gas station/convenience store. She had come to work at 6 am and went to check on the guy who slept in the woods behind her store. Most mornings she would give him coffee, cigarettes and a bit of food. That particular morning he was not moving, she called an ambulance and they pronounced him dead. He had died, at 43 years old in freezing temperatures that Feb night.

Somehow she ended up with his wallet and it had a few telephone numbers in it. She had tried several before she dialed my number. She obviously felt a great deal of empathy for his situation, she was doing her best to hold back the tears. I managed to tell her a small bit about David's life, in hindsight my words seemed so inadequate to describe a life that could have been so much more.

To be honest, I don't think about him too much, it is just too painful. When I read your story, I am both grateful that another person found their way and saddened by so many that don't. We don't hear too much about the ones that don't make it, but I assure you that there are many, too many.

The end result of alcoholism (like so many other addictions) is death. Be grateful that you found your way. If you are like myself, you are feeling remorse and guilt for the stupid things that you said and did, but I promise you it could have been much worse. You are young, hopefully healthy and (you may not realize it yet) a lot wiser. Stay on the road, the journey is probably more fun that the destination.

[Snowflower]

Congratulations and heart felt joy for you on your first year anniversary. You made it! The first sweat lodge I ever attended was for a man celebrating his 27th anniversary, and he felt as much joy that year as he had his first. "kam, kam, ruz beh ruz" Little by little, day by day.

[sandy]

Dear dpwishy,

I probably been sober longer than you have been alive, however I sure didn`t gather the kind of wisdom and insight you share in one short year. I say >>GOOD ON YOU........

I do have to say the opposite though regarding your remark that you ``hope no one ever feels the way you did``. I hope they do, as it is this dispare that often brings one to their knees and to reach outside of the box they are in, to connect with their higher self. That is when for most, the work to become sentient becomes life`s journey and at this point in our world we need a sentient movement amongst the masses, ASAP, IMHO. :)

[Bubu]

Congrats bro, but may I ask what it is that brings you to that situation a year ago? So that others may be able to avoid. Was it Boredom?

[Crazy Louie]

and pray there will be a two years from today addendum

[dpwishy]

Congrats bro, but may I ask what it is that brings you to that situation a year ago? So that others may be able to avoid. Was it Boredom?

A decade long of abuse. I dont want to get into detail but the paragraph I wrote above sums it up pretty good...


Not only did drinking stop the voice and my communication with God, it slowly made me into a monster. Someone I could no longer recognize. Someone who didn't resemble anything of what God told me I was. Near the end of my drinking I would get so drunk that I would push my consciousness aside and when I did something else would step in. I have learned to be more responsible with any drug or alcohol because of who I am. My light attacks the very opposite of what I am. If I am vibrating at a +5 (this is just to explain) I would attract -5 beings. If I pushed my consciousness to the side so much that I was no longer in control, these entities would step in and take control. It lead to some pretty awful experiences, sadly which I don't remember but my loved ones do. I now see why alcohol is called "spirits".


I am an extremist you could say. When everyone takes one, I take two. I would take shamanic doses no one would dare. But when it came to alcohol, not being able to stop brought me to some pretty awful places. I did the whole, its hard alcohol so ill only drink wine. Then I'd be drinking a gallon of wine a day getting to the same awful places. So I said it must be the wine, ill only drink beers. But id drink 9% dog fish heads and consume 8-10 a day of a 9% beer. So I said it was the high % beers, so I switched to light beer but I would be drinking 18+ a day. I tried every way possible to justify it to my self but I had to come to the conclusion that I was an addict and an extremist. It was not the alcohol, it was me as a person.

Hurting my self is one thing but hurting the people around me is another all together. I was never caught in a DUI, I was never put away in any institution. But I was at the point where I was going to lose things in my life. One year ago yesterday I came out of a black out to see my fiance crying for the last time. She has tried for so long to get me to see what I would do but the things she said I would say or do completely baffled me. That is not me at all and I just couldn't believe it. They all must be delusional, not I. A year ago yesterday she wrote down everything I did and said in my black out and presented it to me the morning when I came out of the black out. I was stunned at the hate that came from my being. Things I did not even feel or desire would come out of me. Very hurtful things that seemed to be purposed at hurting those around me and destroying anything good in my life. My fiance would explain it like this " you literally get possessed, I see it in your eyes. You become something completely different that is not you. What ever takes control of you body wants to destroy anything good around you. It wants to rip your path from you and those that care about you until you are alone and pathless". I had a previous partner that tried to show me these things but she was mentally unstable herself and was not able to take it and show me in a way where it did not spiral out of control. We were fire and fire. Sadly, we don't even communicate with each other anymore and I have not seen or talked to her in 3-4 years. But my Fiance now was able to take what ever this force was on and stand up to it. To take the abuse in a way where she could show me the things I was doing and saying. She knew that I was a good person at the core and if I just knew what I was doing and saying, I would make the stand and change my life. I don't desire to hurt anyone and she knew this. Faced with who I was when i consumed was the last breaking point for me. I was informed that if I consumed alcohol again, she would not be around. She would take the dogs and leave for the nights I decided to. I wouldnt let anything outside my self rip anything from my life, especially those I love the most so I made a stand.

I drank the way I described above for a decade. Pretty much daily. I would have a complete **** show and then stop for a few weeks or a few months. Just to forget the pain I have caused and fall right back into the same old routine. I try to hit a AA meeting every few months as the stories I hear remind me who I used to be and stops this cycle of forgetting the pain I have caused and keeps me looking forward. I don't want to go into detail into what I have done but lets just leave it at I have hurt those that I love and love me. To me that is all I have to say to justify my sobriety at this point in my life.

In divine friendship,
your brother,
-michael

[dpwishy]

My Fiance took me out to dinner last night, bought me a red velvet cake and also presented me with the most beautiful hand made card. I would like to keep what she wrote between us but it was the most heartfelt, beautiful thing anyone else has ever done or said to me. Having someone believe in you in that capacity is a game changer for sure. On the back of the card she had 3 quotes I want to share with you.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters of what lies within us" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be" -Albert Einstein

"The secret of life is to fall seven times and to get up eight times" -Paulo Coelho: The alchemist.

In divine friendship,
your brother,
-michael

[mgray]

Congrats. One day at a time you perform a miracle by not taking a drink. Each day is a gift that's why it's called the present. Best of luck. Good things happen to people who do the next right thing.

[greybeard]

Thanks for sharing
When you hit rock bottom the only way is up-- a day at a time.
At an AA meeting I heard some one say- "My hell was the worst because it happened to me"
I got that by the grace of a "Power Greater than my self".
Humility comes in the recognition that I had tried every way to drink normally or quit altogether--I failed miserably---so I had to ask for help--which was freely given.
That's over 35 years ago and I did not get it first attempt.
Don't count the years---Im still a recovering alcoholic, one day at a time---one drink would take me straight back to that hell beyond belief.
Happy to be here sober.

Chris

[rgray222]

Don't count the years---Im still a recovering alcoholic, one day at a time---one drink would take me straight back to that hell beyond belief.
Happy to be here sober.

It is not the last drink that get you drunk it is the first drink!

[chocolate]

michael, dpwishy, many of us here are extremists in a way. I sure am. Like fallen angels that become those giant anch-angels as a result of self realization.
I am happy that you are with the people that you love and they love you back, doing what you have committed to do. As someone who knows addiction from first hand experience I have come to believe it always chooses strong people with the potential to change the world, even if only their own world.

[dpwishy]

When you hit rock bottom the only way is up-- a day at a time

Thanks for the reply Chris, I always love the words of those that have gone before me. A day at a time is right on the money but the funny thing about the bottom is, I always have to remind my self that there is a trap door. Even when we think we have hit rock bottom, there is still a trap door that goes even lower. I always try to remind my self of this because as bad as it was, it can get worse if we allow it. Some people have a higher pain tolerance than others and can go through the self mutilation for much longer. Most normal people would see what they were doing and back away instantly but not us. We seem to have a high pain tolerance not just for the physical but also the emotional. We either reach that pain tolerance and have had enough or this will take everything you love from you and eventually kill you. Its a lesson in learning that the voice in your head is not your friend and will even kill you if it had the chance. My voice sometimes reminds me of how much progress I have made and tells me now I have beaten it, I can have a drink. But I know at this point that this voice is not me and not to give it any worth. Such a cunning liar. All I can do now is smile and say **** off when it tells me these things.

Blessing and light, brother.

In divine friendship,
your brother,
-michael

[Anchor]

It got so bad that I did need help. It wasn't something I could do on my own.

Well done dpwishy!

This thread is inspirational.

I have read an idea which I agree with, and that is that the human body is weak by design.

It is weak because we need to learn that we all need to help and be helped.

We need to work as a team.

Harmonious groups is where we are headed and trying to take all comers and all challenges by ourselves and alone is something that is going to cause us problems of all kinds.

There appear to be no limit to the challenges we can be afflicted by and inflict on ourselves to help drive this point home.

And when that point is finally driven home, and when we finally realise that "no man is an island" and we all need help, and we eventually get over ourselves to ask for that help, we ALWAYS find that help in the end - and it doesnt always necessarily come from material sources.

Thank you for sharing your story in a powerful and effective way.

John..