The Balanced Personality

[AutumnW]

I like this forum because I see not only a balance of personalities but many, nearly all are what seem to be balanced personalities.

I am currently dealing with a person who, by any measure, is way out of whack, completely self-centered and controlling. It is profoundly difficult to deal with her and always has been.

My question is, have you ever had to cater, humor, suffer the presence of somebody who is very selfish, at core? Did they employ manipulation and or other cloaking mechanisms to disguise the fact?

What did you do? I am really at a loss here.

[seleka]

I have withdrawn from human interaction. That was my offense (instead of defense) I hope to one day have others around that I can tolerate and vice versa. If you have to stay in the situation, constantly steer the conversation to their interests. Compliment often. and the kindness thing, kill em with kindness is a good sentiment, though the way it is expressed sounds violent, it does seem to work. But, like I said I am a hermit that just avoids all that....

[Lifebringer]

When your vibration rises and awareness of what is real around you, you notice all that is "out of whack" and if you communicate it to people who don't have the understanding or heart and mind to feel the situation in reality as it is, then yes, it's frustrating. You can close yourself within only so long before you have to come up fro air and breathe whatever surrounding you are in/get back in touch. It feels rather icky at times, when those you have a familial or friendship with are as you described, but just "know this." There are two sides. "Service to others" that makes one feel good to actively help others, and "Service to Self" which is mostly selfish motivation and ego that are allowed to run rampant in material action on this world. The "choice" of man/humans at this time will be one or the other. The outcomes of one or the other going to the choice as the karma of such must come about. Now I can't imagine all the karma and chaos of the Selfish in the outcome. I've always been the care giver person, taking on all the challenges, so I know what my choice is.

[Milneman]

What you do is get a very, very heavy black cast iron frying pan and when they're not looking....ok no, I'm kidding. :)

I have to do this in my business all the time. People deliberately think they can choose the janitor to take out their frustrations on because of some deluded caste system they think they're a part of.

Here's a secret Autumn, and I'll share it with you because I like to think of the giggling fits we ARE going to get into together. :) Sometimes cleaning is more than taking out physical trash. It's about shifting energy in a place, and hopefully being forgotten about except when they sign the cheque.

Case in point: there was a seniors condo I cleaned that had a lot, and I mean a lot, of very old, rich, BITTER people....when I think of the word crone, this is the idea that best suits what I'm thinking about, about 4-5 older women who had nothing to do and had to find something to do, so they became incredibly nit picky. They're paying me, so I have to be nice to them even though I want to take a heavy, heavy, black cast iron.....you get the idea. I eventually did loose the contract because the same women were re-elected to the board of governors of the condo association, and just like the last time they were, they fired the cleaners and replaced them. I was just another chink in the chain.

Learn to say no. With a sincere smile on your face. Without needing an explanation. When someone does ask for one, and they're in that place you're talking about, I just say something like "It's really unfortunate I can't help you, sorry." If they persist...this is where it gets fun....just say in the same way, with as sincere love and compassion as you can muster "You're a very smart person, I'm sure given it some thought you will be able to figure out why." And walk away.

If this is the person I think it is, it's tough because we get involved emotionally, we share emotional wreckage, learn to interact in a certain way to survive. When I stopped acting the way my brother needed me to act, whoa....sparks flew. And things are changing for the better, but it takes time.

It also helps to have a safe place and a SnM teddy bear. Buy a really snotty looking one, and beat the snot out of it when you need to. :)

In fact, use your heavy, black cast iron frying pan!

[Bubu]

A self centered person cannot tolerate being ignored because she thinks she is the center of the universe. turn your attention to something else and she came running after you. But the moment you give back your attention everything start all over again. So take her or leave her.

[AutumnW]

Thanks so much for all your caring advice. You are all so kind!

I'll answer more at length tomorrow when I have more energy.

Thanks again!!--Autumn

[ghostrider]

One way to deal with a selfish person is always set up the conversation so THEY come to the logical conclusion as if they were teaching you something , sort of like chess , your moves are subtile to let them think they did it all , when all along they ended up right where you wanted them to be ... hopefully one day when they evolve they can look in the mirror and be honest ... or just run like hell and don't ever look back , and watchout for that kind of personality as to never again be trapped by a selfish spirited person ...

[Bright Garlick]

Autumn - yes often. Try mirroring the body language or behaviour back to them or using the art of distraction. Distraction is a powerful antidote to the ignorant ! ;-)

[Chris Gilbert]

Even if you shield and do other methods to protect yourself, ties will sometimes have to be cut with certain people, as they simply drain your energy (I personally find that SJ (myers briggs classification) family members tend to be the biggest offenders when it comes to this for me).

[Flash]

We chose what we want to live and see in this world. It took me many years, and still some, to understand that nobody forces me to be miserable. Your partner is a Mirror of yourself. Most probably, somewhere deep down, you think you do not worth a s h i t because otherwise you would not stand this and walk away for a happy life.

Sorry to be so direct. If children are involved, bring them with you, they will be happier too. My thinking, I am obviously not you.

No antidote works with self centered manipulative narcissists (most expert would tell you), none, except walking away so that they find another prey. Don't leave your chidren there, they will become more of a prey than they actually are too.

[MargueriteBee]

I packed my **** and got the **** out.



I like this forum because I see not only a balance of personalities but many, nearly all are what seem to be balanced personalities.

I am currently dealing with a person who, by any measure, is way out of whack, completely self-centered and controlling. It is profoundly difficult to deal with her and always has been.

My question is, have you ever had to cater, humor, suffer the presence of somebody who is very selfish, at core? Did they employ manipulation and or other cloaking mechanisms to disguise the fact?

What did you do? I am really at a loss here.

[AutumnW]

Hi again!

All the advice I received is pretty perfect. I have minimal contact with my sister, at her choosing, because I scare the living bejesus out of her. I have never insulted, teased, pressured her. I have shown an interest in her life and she has leaned on me during crisis times in her life. I accepted her, in the past, but she has always had a HUGE problem with me.

She once told me in all seriousness, "I understand it's difficult to be physically ill all of the time, but you have to have compassion for me. I never had a sister I could go shopping with."

This is just one example of a laugh out loud funny moment, forever delegated to the WTF zone of my mind. These special family memories deserve their own mental laugh track. You couldn't make this stuff up.

Anyway, I don't like to write anybody off, particularly family, but it seems like I am dealing with a super-narcissist here. And I don't do personality disorders anymore. I have learned the hard way that 'no contact' is the only way to go.

I am severing all ties. She will never again haul me out of cold storage to satisfy her image of a healthy, happy family. She will never again be able to resurrect me, if she needs me for something.

I think she fears me, because she has always been a bit transparent to me. Let me rephrase--She was translucent. Now she is completely transparent.

So, no contact ever again. Sad, but necessary.

[AutumnW]

Autumn - yes often. Try mirroring the body language or behaviour back to them or using the art of distraction. Distraction is a powerful antidote to the ignorant ! ;-)

I went out with a fellow years ago who was a 'winder upper.' He enjoyed throwing people off balance, evasive posturing, all the standard games. He would then calmly sit back, hands behind his head, with a curious, analytical expression on his face, while they lost it.

One day, I DID mirror his behaviour. I leaned back in my chair, hands behind my head, legs crossed in the masculine style and watched him with detached but intense curiosity. I adopted the same facial expression as an entomologist peering at a brand new caterpillar. He went right out of his mind---morphed from harmless larva to mean ugly insect without even stopping to pupate. It was a sight to behold. Wow.

Yep, that works really well. What worked even better was leaving. I realized after that relationship that if I am around anybody who makes me want to scream and pound my head against the wall, they have a personality disorder. I may be nuts in my own special way, but I am not disordered. Big difference. :nod:

[AutumnW]

Even if you shield and do other methods to protect yourself, ties will sometimes have to be cut with certain people, as they simply drain your energy (I personally find that SJ (myers briggs classification) family members tend to be the biggest offenders when it comes to this for me).

Agreed. It is really difficult. I hate like Hell to to have to do it, but I can't do it anymore.

[AutumnW]

What you do is get a very, very heavy black cast iron frying pan and when they're not looking....ok no, I'm kidding. :)

I have to do this in my business all the time. People deliberately think they can choose the janitor to take out their frustrations on because of some deluded caste system they think they're a part of.

Here's a secret Autumn, and I'll share it with you because I like to think of the giggling fits we ARE going to get into together. :) Sometimes cleaning is more than taking out physical trash. It's about shifting energy in a place, and hopefully being forgotten about except when they sign the cheque.

Case in point: there was a seniors condo I cleaned that had a lot, and I mean a lot, of very old, rich, BITTER people....when I think of the word crone, this is the idea that best suits what I'm thinking about, about 4-5 older women who had nothing to do and had to find something to do, so they became incredibly nit picky. They're paying me, so I have to be nice to them even though I want to take a heavy, heavy, black cast iron.....you get the idea. I eventually did loose the contract because the same women were re-elected to the board of governors of the condo association, and just like the last time they were, they fired the cleaners and replaced them. I was just another chink in the chain.

Learn to say no. With a sincere smile on your face. Without needing an explanation. When someone does ask for one, and they're in that place you're talking about, I just say something like "It's really unfortunate I can't help you, sorry." If they persist...this is where it gets fun....just say in the same way, with as sincere love and compassion as you can muster "You're a very smart person, I'm sure given it some thought you will be able to figure out why." And walk away.

If this is the person I think it is, it's tough because we get involved emotionally, we share emotional wreckage, learn to interact in a certain way to survive. When I stopped acting the way my brother needed me to act, whoa....sparks flew. And things are changing for the better, but it takes time.

It also helps to have a safe place and a SnM teddy bear. Buy a really snotty looking one, and beat the snot out of it when you need to. :)

In fact, use your heavy, black cast iron frying pan!

That's hilarious. Years ago I lived in subsidized housing with a bunch of elderly folks. Some of them were great. They 'got' it. You can look pretty healthy and still be very ill. The facility had a hairdresser on site, so I made an appointment one day and was sitting there having my hair combed out when this old crone looked over at me, and said to nobody in particular and with complete disgust, "Looks like they're letting anybody in now." LOL

Then there were the sweater police crones who would call up the manager if you hung a sweater that you couldn't machine dry, on your balcony to dry! Major pandemonium. "What's this world coming to? What kind of establishment do you think you're living in? It starts with balcony sweaters and always ends with a meth labs in kitchens!"

These people were old, but a lot of them were basically healthy. They loved to engage me in long monologues about their health, which was a little tedious at times, but they didn't have much to talk about, so fair enough. I would listen patiently and sympathetically. When they asked me how I was doing, (not feeling--big difference) I always responded with, 'well not great, but not too bad,' or something brief, like that. Which was fine by them!

One day, after I left my apartment, I had to wade through a tight knot of them, shooting the geriatric breeze in the hallway. They asked me the standard, "how're you doing?" I proceeded to actually tell them. OMG. For the next month, when they saw me coming, they all scrambled quickly back into their apartments!

It's a myth that people improve with age. I think we just become more ourselves. If you were a nasty thirty five year old, you will be much more self centered by the time you are seventy! The time to work--and it is hard work--at improving your personality is before your personality goes all concrete--I guess sclerotic is the actual medical term.

Love the frying pan thing. Yes...that would come in handy.

[AutumnW]

I have withdrawn from human interaction. That was my offense (instead of defense) I hope to one day have others around that I can tolerate and vice versa. If you have to stay in the situation, constantly steer the conversation to their interests. Compliment often. and the kindness thing, kill em with kindness is a good sentiment, though the way it is expressed sounds violent, it does seem to work. But, like I said I am a hermit that just avoids all that....

I feel sad for you and I understand how this can happen. Sometimes life takes us, through no fault of our own, into strange and ugly social and/or familial territory. My heart goes out to you. I will pm you, when I am able, if you would like me to. I don't want to impose, though, if you are an online hermit, too! :happy:

[AutumnW]

When your vibration rises and awareness of what is real around you, you notice all that is "out of whack" and if you communicate it to people who don't have the understanding or heart and mind to feel the situation in reality as it is, then yes, it's frustrating. You can close yourself within only so long before you have to come up fro air and breathe whatever surrounding you are in/get back in touch. It feels rather icky at times, when those you have a familial or friendship with are as you described, but just "know this." There are two sides. "Service to others" that makes one feel good to actively help others, and "Service to Self" which is mostly selfish motivation and ego that are allowed to run rampant in material action on this world. The "choice" of man/humans at this time will be one or the other. The outcomes of one or the other going to the choice as the karma of such must come about. Now I can't imagine all the karma and chaos of the Selfish in the outcome. I've always been the care giver person, taking on all the challenges, so I know what my choice is.

I am a care giver type, too. I do the best I can for everybody, particularly those who are worse off. I am a devoted, loyal friend and have been a very kind and protective sister.

I think I do have a pretty high vibrational frequency, most of the time. Dealing with life the past few years has tested me to the limits of my emotional endurance --- but I have come out on top. Nothing and nobody is going to make me bitter, self-loathing, or steeped in resentment and anger. It's not going to happen. Being exposed to people who are entirely self serving can act like exposure to a vampire. You can become just like them, as a way of defending yourself.

Manipulative types can still confuse and confound me, though. They are basically hollow, and their motivation is social climbing and status seeking, acquiring more 'power', as they would define it. I want to think the best of people and I think it's a good rule of thumb to approach others with an open heart but I have to pay attention to my gut now and if something feels really off, I have to remove myself.

I have tried everything to resolve issues with my sister, to the point of asking her to see my therapist, so therapist could explain a bit about my life to her, in the hopes she would make more of an effort to support our family bond--not to expect me to do it all. Therapist confided afterwards that she appears to be completely self absorbed, uncaring and self serving, highly narcissistic. She can't over step her boundaries by telling me exactly how to deal with this, but the text book approach to dealing with extreme narcissism, is to sever all contact.

So I think that is what I have been dealing with--exposing myself to people who bring me down--waaaayyyyy down. I have been so accustomed to being treated badly that I haven't questioned it, in the past. It took my husband and therapist to convince me that I wasn't at fault, that I have come from a very abusive background. Also, that I am the only person who survived with a personality that is intact.

Anyway, I started this thread because I thought it might help with a difficult emotional process. I am grieving a loss, at the same time, trying to process that it has to happen.

Your post and the others here have helped..a lot. Thanks Lifebringer, for being a care-giver through your very kind and helpful post.

[soleil]

all i can say, is i hear ya. distance is best for me. my mantra for my family member is, " i dont want/need to hear what they have to say"... then i remember exactly that, hah. and i stay away. faaaaar away.

[ulli]

Thank you for this thread, AutumnW...I relate to everything you say.
Since losing my parents and all my aunts and uncles, IOW,
people who knew me throughout childhood,
I have no more connections to family members back home.
However, if my brother were to reach out all of a sudden,
and ask me for my opinion and even guidance because he has suddenly experienced a wake-up call,
I'll be right there for him, even though in the past he has attacked me repeatedly
about my interested in spiritual and metaphysical matters,
and particularly UFOs and astrology.

[Johnnycomelately]

Good talk.


When your vibration rises and awareness of what is real around you, you notice all that is "out of whack" and if you communicate it to people who don't have the understanding or heart and mind to feel the situation in reality as it is, then yes, it's frustrating. You can close yourself within only so long before you have to come up fro air and breathe whatever surrounding you are in/get back in touch. It feels rather icky at times, when those you have a familial or friendship with are as you described, but just "know this." There are two sides. "Service to others" that makes one feel good to actively help others, and "Service to Self" which is mostly selfish motivation and ego that are allowed to run rampant in material action on this world. The "choice" of man/humans at this time will be one or the other. The outcomes of one or the other going to the choice as the karma of such must come about. Now I can't imagine all the karma and chaos of the Selfish in the outcome. I've always been the care giver person, taking on all the challenges, so I know what my choice is.

If we have guardian angels, that help keep us level, then maybe this vid might be an inspiration. Not trying to be funny here. Stay even, everybody.

Is That Ship Listing? Sound Advice for Your Battleship
11,312 views Premiered 10 hours ago

Battleship New Jersey


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6lhCYhVhio