problem

[gnostic9]

Hi this is gnostic9,i would like to ask in absolute humbleness suggestions on a situation that is very important to my life! My wife/lover/friend/life is going through a very bad period as to her relationship with her mother! Her mother seems to love her only in words, no emotion, my love feels abandoned. bereft of motherly compassion/love. I have tried. and failed to convey the forgiveness route. I would very much appreciate any advice on this situation!

A very humble avalonian,,,gnostic9

[DeDukshyn]

Well, off the top of my head, some people deliver their love in ways we would consider cold.

I took this course in advanced communication once and some good advice that came out of that was this:

"while listening to the words people say, move you reactions of the words you hear towards the possible base intentions of the speaker - and examine, and respond to that intention, then seek clarity". In other words if someone says something, think "I think the intention behind those words is X", then follow with something like, "what I am hearing in that is X, would you say that is a fair assessment?" -- this way you can get to know their intentions - despite their words. Some people are really bad with aligning their words with their intentions - it is jus the way it is.

One caveat -- do not do this in heated negative moments, unless you can find positives in their possible intentions. Ignore all words that seem negative, and get back to intention.

If further detail or explaining is needed on this approach, just ask me. I can go into further details with examples if you request it. ;) My 2 cents. Communication (both good and bad) is both the #1 problem in human endeavours and also the #1 solution for fixing those problems -- if done correctly. ;)

[gnostic9]

Thank you for the addvice DeDpkshyn! My partner/Love/Life becomes aggressive if i question/or offer advice on these issues, i know I must be responsible for this too, how can we reconcile this dissonance?

[Orph]

You, and your wife, should learn to put yourself in a state of love. This is not about having love for somebody or something. Nor is it about sending love to someone. This is simply a practice of being in a state of love. Again, this is a state of love that simply "is". Leave her mom out of this.

It's hard to explain this. It's something that has to be personally experienced. This isn't about trying to change what's "out there", nor trying to change another person. When you can be in this state of love, then an understanding will come to you. You will see that love is always there and isn't dependent on another person. Love will just be. And then, you will see there will be no pain, or hurt, or feelings of abandonment. Your love for her mom will be overflowing, whether her mom responds or not. Again, just reading what I'm saying is pointless. You have to do this. It has to be experienced by you and your wife.

Anyway, best wishes to you and your wife whatever route you choose to take.

[gnostic9]

Thank you so much Orph! I will consider your approach very carefully and let you know how we fare! Again, thank you so much!

[Knowrainknowrainbows!]

Hi this is gnostic9,i would like to ask in absolute humbleness suggestions on a situation that is very important to my life! My wife/lover/friend/life is going through a very bad period as to her relationship with her mother! Her mother seems to love her only in words, no emotion, my love feels abandoned. bereft of motherly compassion/love. I have tried. and failed to convey the forgiveness route. I would very much appreciate any advice on this situation!

A very humble avalonian,,,gnostic9

gnostic9,
What a wonderful heart you seem to have! What a blessing (and hardship) it can be ... Your wife is fortunate to have a mate as yourself.

Mother - daughter relationships are often complicated and complex. You didn't explain what their relationship was like prior to this "very bad period" nor how long it's been this bad... Did something suddenly happen or has this been "brewing" for a while? Each may have a perspective of events leading up to this discord that is neither rational nor shared by the other.

I am not a counselor ... just a reformed "sharp tongue" -- words spoken in anger or sarcastic (indicates anger/hurt/resentment) can pierce the soul and destroy relationships in short time. There are so many questions regarding the nature of this relationship problem ... But ultimately I think your role is one of support and allowing your beloved a safe place to ventilate.... You cannot "fix" the relationship ... I would suggest taking deep breaths and reminding yourself to detach from their drama ... otherwise you may get sucked into a toxic emotional whirlpool. Take care of self first, listen, be objective yet supportive and focus on the BIG picture.

One way to place things into perspective is to think about the future ... When either of them has left this earth and those remaining (including yourself) are looking back at this time, what might you feel/think/wish you'd done? How can you rise to the occasion now?
Just an idea ...
Also, counseling for either or both may be a good idea. Perhaps there are issues that have been dormant for a long time and something has triggered them to "manifest".

Best wishes for the best outcomes for everyone,
KRKR :hug:

[MargueriteBee]

My dad never said he loved me, never said more than a thousand words to me my whole life. But, I think deep down he did.

[Operator]

Thank you for the addvice DeDpkshyn! My partner/Love/Life becomes aggressive if i question/or offer advice on these issues

In NLP you learn not to give advice ... you will get the reaction that you are getting. Most of the times people come
to you just to tell their story/problem. They want you to listen. In fact they often know the solution already but it
may be not acceptable to them (yet). Other people giving them well intended advices is not what they're seeking.

NLP teaches you to get results in conversations you want by playing on important points of the other party. So you
need to listen, analyze and steer. Do NOT insert suggestions! Let them do the talking and come to conclusions.
They will even be grateful in the end ...

I know, I know ... this technique can be used for beneficial AND malicious purposes. But it's the same like weapons
it depends on who is holding them.

[Tesla_WTC_Solution]

It sounds like you love her a lot.

But the sad thing is.

When a child feels rejected by a parent, no one else's love can quite fix that.

She has to accept it (just like when I lost my dad or don't hear from my mom!) and choose to love you in spite of the low emotional bankroll that life has handed her at the moment.

Life is so hard and so not fair.

Hope you feel better soon!!!
Maybe go for some nature walks together and try not to think so much about family...

get a pet? :)

[Nasu]

I would make it my goal to accept what is without judgement. In my humble opinion, if we all cared a little less we may get along alot more. No one is perfect, no parent, no child, we are all one or the other or both, as we grow we can only find compassion for those who passed the ball to us. How does that poem go- our parents, they fu@k us up they do., etc.. In my experience people give love in many ways, to each they seem as though they are giving everything they have, examples include giving money, paying for things, calling, or not giving money, not paying for things, or leaving them to get on. Maybe, it just is what is is? Maybe, your love's mum is loving her, just in her way, it is evolution that her child will not be the same, will be more open, more caring, more "modern" in her show of love? Maybe, that does not feel like love to her mum? My very laboured point, we all show love in different ways, but it's still love... Hope this helps.. X.. N

[Jean-Marie]

I know what it is like to have a mother who cannot love. I do not have one memory of her ever hugging me. I remember wanting to be everything she wasn't when I grew up. In the end, I was the child who came by daily to help. I was going to be everything to her that she wasn't to me. I was the daughter that stayed by her side as she took her last breath in this world. I was never going to change her. I made peace with her.

[gnostic9]

Thank you so much for you're reply Knowrain, a lot of what you say is true. I love my wife so much. all i want/ feel/ heart is for her to be her! I have tried to be the best that i can be, and i don't ever try to be something else, hey maybe it's me, though i don't presume to know.

[Orph]

My dad never said he loved me, never said more than a thousand words to me my whole life. My parents were the same way. The word 'love' simply didn't exist in their vocabulary. No hugs. No parent/children time spent together. ..... Oh well. We do what we can and move on.

[DeDukshyn]

Thank you for the addvice DeDpkshyn! My partner/Love/Life becomes aggressive if i question/or offer advice on these issues, i know I must be responsible for this too, how can we reconcile this dissonance?

The advice can't come from you. I have a similar issue. I can say something, then get yelled at about for an hour. But the same advice can come from Wayne dyer on PBS and he's a freaking hero all of sudden!! (not without cause, mind you - the guy is good)

How to utilize this? Who knows, but creativity is certainly called for! I don't have anything specific, but know exactly the situation. I do know that peace consistently will be need throughout all discussion. Hopefully you can take some of this and get closer to your solution ;)

[Becky]

Hi this is gnostic9,i would like to ask in absolute humbleness suggestions on a situation that is very important to my life! My wife/lover/friend/life is going through a very bad period as to her relationship with her mother! Her mother seems to love her only in words, no emotion, my love feels abandoned. bereft of motherly compassion/love. I have tried. and failed to convey the forgiveness route. I would very much appreciate any advice on this situation!

A very humble avalonian,,,gnostic9

gnostic9,
What a wonderful heart you seem to have! What a blessing (and hardship) it can be ... Your wife is fortunate to have a mate as yourself.

Mother - daughter relationships are often complicated and complex. You didn't explain what their relationship was like prior to this "very bad period" nor how long it's been this bad... Did something suddenly happen or has this been "brewing" for a while? Each may have a perspective of events leading up to this discord that is neither rational nor shared by the other.

I am not a counselor ... just a reformed "sharp tongue" -- words spoken in anger or sarcastic (indicates anger/hurt/resentment) can pierce the soul and destroy relationships in short time. There are so many questions regarding the nature of this relationship problem ... But ultimately I think your role is one of support and allowing your beloved a safe place to ventilate.... You cannot "fix" the relationship ... I would suggest taking deep breaths and reminding yourself to detach from their drama ... otherwise you may get sucked into a toxic emotional whirlpool. Take care of self first, listen, be objective yet supportive and focus on the BIG picture.

One way to place things into perspective is to think about the future ... When either of them has left this earth and those remaining (including yourself) are looking back at this time, what might you feel/think/wish you'd done? How can you rise to the occasion now?
Just an idea ...
Also, counseling for either or both may be a good idea. Perhaps there are issues that have been dormant for a long time and something has triggered them to "manifest".

Best wishes for the best outcomes for everyone,
KRKR :hug:

I agree totally - mother/daughter relationships are very complex, and it's hard trying to fathom them out. The best you can do is be there for your wife and not criticise your mother-in-law.
All the best, and you sound like a very loving/caring husband.

[markpierre]

This is 'news' to your partner? Is this a lifelong issue, or did it only dawn on her when it dawned on her?
That it's an issue for her now makes sense. Now is the time.
Motherly love is another mistaken separation of love into distinct notions. The ways we avoid loving universally.
If your wife loved herself enough, she wouldn't notice if her mother seemed to love her or not. She would be too preoccupied
loving her mother.

[sheme]

I did an "Ask the universe" With Teal Scott and this is what I landed on, searched for with love and your problem held in my mind.

http://www.askteal.com/videos/oedipus-complex-relationships-and-fate

[Lifebringer]

My Mom barely ever gave "hugs" or told us she loved us, until after we were grown. My daughters often feel uncomfortable accepting a hug from someone, because I myself, was missing a few, and didn't know to give them. I give them now as they are grown, but they are still uncomfortable. I gave them hugs when they were hurt by lying boyfriends or bullies, or family/cousins, who didn't get a chance to grow up among them, because I split state and bought them around trees and fresh air, other than the city alley ghetto, that I myself climbed out of.

I wanted them to have health, educational opportunity, and a respect for nature and life.
Not to mention a better life without "my people places and things" screwing things up, when I got clean.

I went for the goal of meeting my paternal family south, and I'm okay with it now, and I'm ready to move around the country a bit in an RV, just my disabled hubby and I. He's a veteran, and I a jack of all trades/degrees/ and skill.
Worked til we got broke physical body/totaled, and now while our eyes and legs/feet still work, intend on driving, parking, talking and observing our beautiful country, before we take our dirt nap.

You be the love/support/comfort, when she hurts from this loss, and keep the peace, but keeping it simple, and saying awwww, ohhhh, now look at you two angry at each other again. You guys must love each other very much, as they say you only hurt the ones you love."

Walk off and leave them to stare and wonder at what you said.

[Lifebringer]

I feel you. I felt I was the ugly duckling, but I strived to be the swan, Mom always wanted to be. I too was there for her during her last days, and although I too made peace with the fact she grew up in a different era, and rampant racism was foisted on her, her upraising was for us to be safe, and to always be aware. When you've done all you can, had respectful manners, and got along with everyone that you came in contact with, and then still not be considered for a job, that stays open for months, then you just have to accept that certain things, you cannot change in a person. Her ways have tainted me to be non-trustful, but they also gave me courage to speak what is on my mind when there is a wrong being committed. Do not be afraid, they can only kill you once, and to stand up for yourself, because you'll look around, and see most times others have not the courage to speak up.

Yes, she was a tough ole bird, God rest her soul, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world, because I too inherited that trait, and at this time in our lives, those things taught, sometimes become necessary to lean on in tough times. This too shall pass, when others have invaded your space with negativity works. Teach your wife this, and to breathe completely exhaling the carbon out, from the "stomach." This will help her to stay calm, as her mother is in her space. I found that my trips with Mom to go shopping, were fewer and fewer before she left, but there was an understanding between us, and she told me one time, why she was harder on me, than the others, which the "ugly duckling Cinderella" feeling came from. She said she was hard on me, because she "knew" I could take it, and was smart and a survivor, a leader, and she was proud of all I did, and that I never gave her trouble or reason to be embarrassed, but always proud. I was the only one of 5 girls, that didn't get destroyed by the streets, and married 3 times to get it right. LOVE unconditionally... a lesson I've learned from my Mom. Her gift of strength and not being reliant on anyone but God and myself.

For this, I was able to accept and forgive.

You have my permission to let her read this gnostic9. It may give her the reason to let Mom simmer, respect and finally communicate w/love to her daughter. I was too tough at a time when I was mentally ill on my eldest daughter, for she wasn't built for the lessons I had to learn, and took it personally, instead of a protection, and sought freedom of the strict upbringing. We still have a strained relationship, however, I have also accepted that "karma" I brought to myself, by excluding my Mom, out of my children's life, while they were growing up, and now, I reap, what I've sown, knowing this too shall pass, and one day, my daughter will forgive me. You see, it's not enough to ask and receive the words of I forgive, but for the person you seek it from, to actually forgive from the heart and then reach out again.

I'm alright, and your wife will be also, with time.

[Flash]

Just love her while she is going through hardship, and show that you love her, enough to respect her path, all of her path, and let her know.

At least, this is what I would have wished for me. lol

[sheme]

The realization that love is the only infinite thing in the universe is a very important one.

[gnostic9]

Hi Lifebringer. Thank you so much for speaking so truthfully from the heart! your story touched/moved me deeply, your wisdom replenishes my faith in humanity. I was moved to tears, more a clearing than a sorrow. You truly are a beautiful soul! Lifebringer! again my humblest thanks.

[Redsoul]

something I've learned along the way : Energy is NEVER destroyed ONLY transferred.

give her more of what you want..if you want to be held, hold her more.. push the energy forward to her, which you wish to receive.
If you want her to be more loving, then you be more loving. perhaps try being romantic in a sense of how you got her to marry you.
plan a trip to where you first met, have lunch somewhere you did years ago. take her out of her element where she seems to be suffering.

not sure how long this has been going on. she may become stuck into a world where she doesn't change.
I would approach it as, give her what you need, and watch the energy come back to you..

try it for 30-60 days. I'd be completely shocked if you didn't see a difference. Being consistent, constantly reassuring, giving
her what she is trying to get..from her family member could very well in the end...
this could make your relationship that much stronger through this..

life is a constant process to help you grow.
- challenges are opportunities.