What to say to a friend who is dying?

[Antagenet]

She has a few weeks left. Just began hospice. Had brain tumors so she is a bit dulled and I am not sure how much she either understands or feels.

Usually I can empath myself right into any situation, but this time Im really at a loss. Im too much in shock that she is leaving the planet. She's been my best friend for decades.

I can only talk to her over the phone, she lives in another country. Am trying to get her husband to get Skype.

Of course I tell her that I love her.

I don't think its great to tell her about my survivors guilt, which Ive never felt before, but this time it caught me by surprise. Or my anger and despair at her leaving.

She says she feels strong and peaceful, meanwhile her husband and I are bawling our eyes out and petrified.

what to say, what to say...

[Dennis Leahy]

"I love you"

"I'm so honored to have spent time with you."

Dennis

================

And, Antagenet, I am sorry you're losing a great friend. Nothing more difficult than having a loved one die.

[sandy]

How sad, my heart goes out to you.

I agree with Dennis in just telling her how much you love her, are grateful for her friendship now and always.

If it were me I might ask her how she is feeling about hospice, etc., and let her do most of the talking and be conscious to remember that it is the here and now and we still very much, have each other. :hug:

[Catsquotl]

Hi Antagenet,

I feel like has been mentioned before. Let her know how much she means to you and just share moments of time together. It is a shame you aren't closer as just sitting together is really all you can do. At times like these words i.m.o will always feel inadequate to cross the gap between shared experience.. so even with skype. there's probably not much to say,but the knowledge of you being there sharing her final stages..

With Love
Eelco

[karamba]

I am deeply sorry for your friend..., sending you both Love and Light and Strength!

[Shannow]

Sorry, there's not much I can offer.

Had a good mate pass the other week, and had a chance to sit and talk to him, clap on the back, etc. not possible here, sorry

[lightwalker]

Lovingly give her permission to go.

[Lifebringer]

I forgave the children's father, we were separated, and he had pancreatic cancer. I wish I knew then, what I know now as far as healing herbs and balances. He and I talked and I and my husband promised his little girls would be taken care of like his own. He fazed out in a daze talking to old friend only he could see, that had passed, but he was chuckling at a joke or two when greeting them.

Has she tried garlic oil and coconut oil? The garlic to prevent any more tumors and build her immune system if she's had chemo, and the coconut oil to aid the "brain in recovery of cells and repair? Who knows with a little ph balancing with baking soda and honey, she just may kick this "dis" ease. Hey they gave her a few weeks, it surely can't hurt to go natural now, right? The honey and baking soda 3 times a week, and it's 1 part baking soda with 2 teaspoons of honey. Clove of garlic, every 8 hours or the oil gel caps 2 times a day 3 times a week. The coconut oil must be organic, and put it in a coconut dark chocolate shake with kale, and you got a great smoothie three times a week.

God speed on her healing and a easing of you and her husband's and family's hearts during this time. A lot of them are being called home now and perhaps, her mission is almost complete.

[kirolak]

And perhaps wish her good & joyful continuance in her soon-to-be- state of freedom from bodily discomfort, if she is open to this.

I am so sorry, there is little any of us can do in the final days except to love & release the other person. I once added in a light-hearted way to someone I was losing, "And remember, no hard feelings about anything! I won't hold you back by snivelling, & don't you dare hang about & haunt me!" But it was that sort of relationship. . . I understand it would not be suitable in all cases.

Wishing you strength !

[budicca]

I am so sorry you're going to lose your best friend and she knows deep inside how you're feeling just make her laugh as always and talk about the good times you've had.
I myself is going bk home to see my best friend whose prognosis is swaying toward my best friend losing her battle to the big C :( all i know is that i will cry when i see her she's been in my life all of my life and know that my angel that walks this earth will watch over me when her time comes x there are no words that can ease you at this time x huge love and a trillion hugs and hope you find your way with your loss to come x love and light x Namaste x

[Finefeather]

Years ago just before my dad died...he was in hospital on his last days...my wife and I, on driving down to see him, for what we new inside was going to be the last time...we were in another city...decided to tell him that his brother was going to meet him on the other side. We had communicated with Arthur...his passed brother...through my wife who had some extreme psychic abilities.

Now what is significant is that my dad never ever spoke of, or ever mentioned any subject related to life after death to us 'kids'...or anyone we knew...so we were reluctant to bring this up but eventually decided we would do it.

We were all just under the impression that he was just a regular guy with no interest in what death brings...he was a very kind man and used to give away his last penny to anyone in need.

We were at his bedside and he was on oxygen and we decided to leave and then I said to him..."Dad...uncle Arthur will be here to meet you"...well...the look on our faces must have been hilarious because he just said quietly..."I know, I can see him already".

Since then I have come to know that shortly before death there are many who gather around us before we cross over and there is often a quiet peace around the dying person.

So IMO I think it is good to just let a person be...so they can experience the passing in their own way.

Interference by do gooders in their enthusiasm to ease the so called trauma is unnecessary...

It is a time to express love and forgiveness...that's all...nothing else matters...this is my experience...after all the person is not really dead.
Love to you
Ray

[Chuck]

Don't go to the light. take a right turn and follow your own path.

[Sunny-side-up]

Hello Antagenet sorry to hear about your friend.

Yes as already mentioned so far, tell her you love her and be light of heart if you can, let here know it's ok for her to go but you will miss her!
If she is not of the this view, tell her she will be on the next wondrous journey of her path.

Let her know if she has fears that she can talk to you about any of them and that you would really wan't her to!
Make sure you actually say You Love her and say good by to her, because You need do that while you can!

Love, Peace and Hugs to you and your friend and your friends husband!
Alan

[Operator]

Lovingly give her permission to go.

This is what I had in mind also. When my dad died I knew he didn't want to leave, he was struggling to stay
because he didn't feel ready and still wanted to do more for those who would be left behind.

I think it is important that people die in peace ... they're forgiven (if needed at all) and have permission to go.
Also, maybe specially in this case, their mind is wandering of ... meaning they feel/sense more than you would
assume (not physically through the normal senses but in an esoteric way ;)).

[heretogrow]

My heart goes out to you Antagenet, and to all who are losing this loved one. Tell her that your life has been blessed by this friendship and that she has deeply touched you with a connection that cannot be severed. That it itself is one of the most precious gifts that you have ever given each other.

Much Love,
Julia

[AngelArmy]

You could say I'll see you on the other side and teach her the lords prayer

[Kryztian]

I was a hospice volunteer, visiting patients who had a timeline of 6 months or less. All of there were over 80, and were pretty much resigned to their fate. When we talked about it, Death did not seem like a dreaded thing - they had long lives and had all seen themselves drift out of society and the work force and saw their steady physical decline. There elders had all died and so had many of their contemporaries.

I assume your friend is much younger and the matter is a bit different - although, perhaps your friend might be more at peace with the idea than you realize. Before you decide what to say, you might want to get her thoughts on the matter, ask how she feels about the situation. You might want to think more about what to say AFTER you have listened to her. Your friend might also be just as concerned to your reaction about her death as you are hers, and might feel better knowing that you will be okay with her death.

Everyone has there own beliefs about death and the afterlife and I have usually shared my with people who are dying. I tell them that I see their death as just a temporary separation - that we will see each be together again, in another realm, in another form. Whether or not they believe that themselves, it seems to bring comfort to them.

[Carmody]

It goes a little like this:

R8uzkQjhcDE

[robertr2m]

So sad to hear of your friend, Antagenet. And thanks for sharing with us since I think you already know what to do.

I've always felt that souls that are moving on still need to feel as if they have place here. They have their own guilt of leaving someone behind and the fear they will be forgotten.

You love her. Of course, you do.
You want her to stay but has your forgiveness and permission to go. Forgiveness for having to leave and permission is acceptance of her leaving.
Until you meet again, you will always remember her. Her smile, her laugh, her tears, her good as well as her bad. Who she truly is.

Your a good friend Antagenet.

Be safe, R2

[The Lawnman]

Its been my experience that its alright to just be with the family while they cope with a loved one that is dying. Take every opportunity to affirm them and let them know how much they are loved.

I had a friend drop by my home just yesterday to share with me that his brother passed away very suddenly of cancer, leaving behind a loving wife and four children. All I could do was listen to him share his feelings about being there as he passed on. It's a tough thing...life is so precious. As I closed the door when he left, I felt compelled to hug my wife a little closer and tell my son how much I loved him.

[Antagenet]

It goes a little like this:

R8uzkQjhcDE

I watched and listened to your video Carmody
and wrote this to my friend. Should I send it?
editors step up to the plate!!! loll


SUNSET is SUNRISE

The sunset of your time is as you are, blazing fiery strong and utterly gentle.
Silver linings is what you always carry and give to others.
I hold you hand up to the edge of the pier and let you go, brave as you are.. alone but not alone.

Promise draws you towards all the million rewards of a life well lived, deeply loved
all the kindnesses of expression and reserve you emanated
are the breezes of seagulls and chickadees and all the birds you love, rafts to lift you

I try to imagine how high you will go
with lakes of essential oils and mountains of amethysts and diamonds
and all the people you have ever known, waiting to say Thank You

The blessing of your conscious last moments here
are a symphony of strivings, and finally with your marathon ribbon in sight
a golden thread that will lead you straight to God

Leave all the pain and worry and doubts here forever. We will take care of them for you
in our tears and missing you. What you care about will be with us in the time we have
left. Leave us in peace and joy. We are so honored to have walked with you here.

I will dance to the tune of your laughter, be sustained by your having understood
so much, so well, so lovingly. the parrots will remind me you are flying now
with your own wings stretched so far, so wide, you can go anywhere now.

[Antagenet]

Thank you all so much for your suggestions and overwhelming response to me.
I have never felt so much love from a group online and am amazed and appreciate every one of you.

I try to listen as much as I can to both what she says and doesn't say. She has always been a spiritual person
and it seems to really be seeing her through. "I feel strong and peace" she says. "Don't worry."

[Dennis Leahy]

I ... wrote this to my friend. Should I send it?
editors step up to the plate!!! loll


SUNSET is SUNRISE

The sunset of your time is as you are, blazing fiery strong and utterly gentle.
Silver linings is what you always carry and give to others.
I hold you hand up to the edge of the pier and let you go, brave as you are.. alone but not alone.

Promise draws you towards all the million rewards of a life well lived, deeply loved
all the kindnesses of expression and reserve you emanated
are the breezes of seagulls and chickadees and all the birds you love, rafts to lift you

I try to imagine how high you will go
with lakes of essential oils and mountains of amethysts and diamonds
and all the people you have ever known, waiting to say Thank You

The blessing of your conscious last moments here
are a symphony of strivings, and finally with your marathon ribbon in sight
a golden thread that will lead you straight to God

Leave all the pain and worry and doubts here forever. We will take care of them for you
in our tears and missing you. What you care about will be with us in the time we have
left. Leave us in peace and joy. We are so honored to have walked with you here.

I will dance to the tune of your laughter, be sustained by your having understood
so much, so well, so lovingly. the parrots will remind me you are flying now
with your own wings stretched so far, so wide, you can go anywhere now.

If you don't send it, you'll always wish you had.

Very moving. She will be deeply touched - she'll know you "got her" or like the movie Avatar line, "I see you", she will know you connected with her beyond words - and listened.

(tiny typo, line 3: "you hand" should be "your hand")

I would be so honored if someone sent it to me as I was preparing to exit.

Dennis

[Antagenet]

If you don't send it, you'll always wish you had.

Very moving. She will be deeply touched - she'll know you "got her" or like the movie Avatar line, "I see you", she will know you connected with her beyond words - and listened.

(tiny typo, line 3: "you hand" should be "your hand")

I would be so honored if someone sent it to me as I was preparing to exit.

Dennis

Thankyou Dennis!

Sent!!!!!

[pyrangello]

Antagenet , whenever someone I know is living their final days here in this lifetime physically , listening or tuning in is so much important for you and that person, I also gravitate to finding humorous pictures or jokes to share in that one moment of laughter when all else goes away . Even for a few seconds there is a total removal of a situation/condition and it is replaced with joy and a bond of a laugh and love. That in itself is a priceless moment .

Please realize that we can also grieve while someone is physically still here, the process is the same , Difficulty concentrating, Apathy, Anger, Guilt, Sleep Disturbances, Loss of Appetite, Withdrawal from others, Intense sadness or tears, Loneliness, Numbness . There is no common sequence we go thru when this happens, sometimes you think you are loosing it when you can be crying one minute and laughing the next. But your not, and this is you experiencing this with real raw emotions as a human spirit on this earth.

Make those laughter times as long as you can, read to your friend as long as you can. Share those moments but also know that departing this earth isn't the end, it is another beginning! Find comfort in believing .

[Billy]

She has always been a spiritual person
and it seems to really be seeing her through. "I feel strong and peace" she says. "Don't worry."

The trauma as always is with those who loved her and are left behind. She tells her loved ones that she is strong at peace and not to worry. Take her advice.

When the time of parting approaches, Say thank you, I love you, until we shall meet again.

For you.

On Death

Than Almitra spoke, saying, "We would ask now of Death."
And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the sheered not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink form the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

Kahil Gibran

peace

[Constance]

ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

[rgray222]

This ancient love letter found in a mummified body in South Korea touches life, death, love, dreams and more. We can only hope that she found the words to tell him how much she loved him when he was still alive.

While this may not be exactly on topic I believe it belongs here.

(Courtesy Andong National University)

Archaeologists in Andong City, South Korea, unwrap cloth covering the 16th-century mummy of Eung-tae, a member of Korea's ancient Goseong Yi clan.
The excavation began at eleven in the morning, and took several hours of painstaking work. First archaeologists dug into the tomb, then, after breaking through its hardened-earth shell, they exposed a wooden coffin. They dismantled it, and removed pieces of clothing, until they reached the body.

Everyone at the site was stunned. Inside was a male mummy, a very rare find in Korea ten years ago. Although his skull was badly decayed, his skin and beard were still visible. He was tall, even by today's standards, measuring 5 feet 9 inches, and sturdily built. "The dark mustache made me feel that he must have had a charming appearance," says Se-kwon Yim, former director of the Andong National University Museum and one of the first people to see the mummy. On looking closer, archaeologists saw a letter from his wife covering his body; it turned out to be the key to his identity.

The discovery of the eulogy caused a media frenzy and has captivated the public for more than a decade, leading to several novels and, most recently, an opera and feature film. Meanwhile, archaeologists have continued to study the tomb's contents to learn more about the mummy's life.

https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/scaled/2013/11/27/article-2514419-19ADDE0A00000578-795_636x382.jpg

You always said, "Dear, let's live together until our hair turns gray and die on the same day. How could you pass away without me? Who should I and our little boy listen to and how should we live? How could you go ahead of me?

How did you bring your heart to me and how did I bring my heart to you? Whenever we lay down together you always told me, "Dear, do other people cherish and love each other like we do? Are they really like us?" How could you leave all that behind and go ahead of me?

I just cannot live without you. I just want to go to you. Please take me to where you are. My feelings toward you I cannot forget in this world and my sorrow knows no limit. Where would I put my heart in now and how can I live with the child missing you?

Please look at this letter and tell me in detail in my dreams. Because I want to listen to your saying in detail in my dreams I write this letter and put it in. Look closely and talk to me.

When I give birth to the child in me, who should it call father? Can anyone fathom how I feel? There is no tragedy like this under the sky.

You are just in another place, and not in such a deep grief as I am. There is no limit and end [to my sorrows] that I write roughly. Please look closely at this letter and come to me in my dreams and show yourself in detail and tell me. I believe I can see you in my dreams. Come to me secretly and show yourself. There is no limit to what I want to say and I stop here.

(Courtesy Andong National University)

[thepainterdoug]

one thing I wish in my own life is that I had a better education or indoctrination into what dying was as a child. In truth I believe its a celebration. Like a person being let out of a life sentence in prison.

this is not to say that everything here has been horrible. But just knowing that all things , all matter , must end, must pass .

so let them know they will be free, and they are going home. and if i could get a joke in to make them laugh, id chance it