my current struggle

[whenyournex2me]

Hey guys and gals, You all have seen me pop in and out from time to time for the past several years as I have been undergoing a transformation inside. I want to say, I know its progress and progress takes effort, healing, energy work, and prolly a bunch of stuff I know nothing about. Im here to give an update I guess. Well, Im seeking advice. :wizard:

I did my math homework, so Im a spill it all out here, ok. I really need some love, comfort, a hug, and my fiance and myself, to be more aware of the fact that I am trying so hard to make improvements. I am so hard on myself, I expect so much progress all at once. This is not fair. Nor is it helping, me being so critical.

My issue that has recently come to light is the fact that Im so insecure, jealous maybe, but definitely Im scared. I used to be fearless... what the **** happened to me? :twitch: These past two weeks have been unsettling for me. I just started my college semester. Its not that bad, but sometimes I really hate being in public or around other "kids,"its reminds me of when I was so young and stupid, or arrogant, ignorant... As I am now, just on a different level, I understand that.

I was talking with Roz (my lil fire starter) and it came out that she wanted to see my mom, dad... I think we were talking about the long term goals, considering marriage etc. IT just happened to come out, my parents suck... and I was talking with her the other night, and IDK why I had to, but I opened a photo-bucket to share the only photos I have left of my children, mom, dad, ... and after doing do, I just lost it. I fell to the ground, and my guts spilled, I ran em over wit h a lawn mower. spewed them all over... I cried hysterically and I really scared myself. I had feelings of long lost memories I hadnt felt in so long... I just broke down.

I said some things I didnt mean, not to Roz but, to myself... and Im hurting so bad right now still from it. I suffered abuses, neglect, abandonment, divorce, self sabotage, I cant seem to forgive myself for giving up on my kids... I cant look at my father, or my mother, and even more when I see my step father, it makes me want to rage... or even worse, hurt myself. I'll be honest here, If I had a gun at the time, I think I would have used it on myself. I just cant seem to get past it. Its keeping me down, back... I am, the one. Im ashamed.

Roz did what any good love would do, and talk to me about it, hear me out, agree... support me as Im letting it all out. We are far from each other, different countries. So its difficult on FaceBook or Skype... to communicate. I lost self control and I hate being there. IDK what to do. She helped me cope with the stress but it sorta let on to her. I can't keep doing this... Im afraid of pushing her away or making her feel, "like she has to commit and stay now," She may feel attached IDK... and I want her to be free...

Secondly we have been conversing mostly everyday, and life is hectic on both sides. she brought it to my attention on day that I may be an Empath? I have heard this term but never considered it. It made sense today, as I felt a presence in the connection between her and I. it upset her when I said, I sense there is love there, and now Im not sure where we are. I do feel a lot... ever since 2011 2012. I am becoming more aware of my emotions thus its intensifying. my Dantian has been going crazy... this morning, I felt such guilt, or hate, or fear... yea... thats it. fear. Im tearing up as I write this, cause I believe in her, on her side, there is no connection between this person and her. IDK what to do... Im feeling more and more as time goes on. She says Im gifted or been chosen. IDK why that would be the case. What did I do to ever deserve the gift, of feeling others energy? Is this really the case? I feel I'm blabbering on and on... I need a break.

Then I read this today....
September 08 - September 14

This week has some shifts that may catch you off guard, Leo. You may not know how to deal with them immediately, but once you adjust you should be good. No one likes change. There are many that come throughout the week that you didn't even know was possible. Embrace these things. An open mind is underrated, Leo.

http://www.drjudithorloff.com/Free-Articles/emotional-empath-EF.htm

[bruno dante]

Hello there, I won't pretend to have any sage advice to offer, but I would like you to know that I truly appreciate your honesty here. Takes guts.

You've already demonstrated a certain type of courage that I think will see you thru whatever ails you.

Stay even my friend. Best of luck to you.

[Orph]

The energies are simply that. Energies. Don't beat yourself up because you are feeling these emotions. It's just energy that you are feeling. Do not condemn yourself.

Some trains of thought say you should "feel" the energies (emotions), and "express" the energies (emotions). What worked for me was almost the opposite. Instead of "externalizing" the emotions by punching a punching bag, or screaming at the top of my longs, or those types of things, I would instead find a place where I could be alone. Then I would sit myself down and "internalize" these feelings.

So I would sit quietly with all this rage burning inside of me. I would purposely hold all that energy inside of me. (As you know, these energies, emotions, are things you can physically feel). Then, using my imagination, I would dive down into myself, right to the very core of all that energy, feelings, emotion. (Again, use your imagination when you do this). So, in my imagination I'd see myself sitting there amidst this roiling, boiling, raging inferno that is inside of me. Then (talking to myself and to the rage), I'd say, "Okay, do you want to rage? Well then, let's get it on." Then I'd intensify the rage as high as I could go. Just keep bringing more and more and more and more rage. (or whatever the energy is that you are feeling). Turn up the heat on those energies and don't stop.

I won't go any farther, because I want you to experience what comes next, if you care to do this exercise.

[Daughter of Time]

Hello whenyournext2me,

First of all, sorry to learn of your struggles. Life can be that way sometimes!

You could be an empath and as I am an empath myself I fully understand that the journey can be painful.

Judging by your horoscope comment, you are a Leo. So let me tell you what I know of Leo's journey at this point in time. According to one of the best astrologers I know, any Leo who is on the planet right now is experiencing some kind of a karmic cross. What this means is that any unresolved business from any lifetime in the past is calling for your attention and must be resolved now or else! Or else what? Or else one will be catapulted into a "dark night of the soul" which is a very challenging trial not only because of the difficulties it brings but also because it's a spiritual journey for which there is no clock to let us know when dawn will appear. So this journey could take days, weeks, months, years... and I'm sure this doesn't apply to Leos only as there are many going through something similar to what you're going through right now

This dark night of the soul is usually not handled with grace, but with frantic frustration, resentment, anger, terror... as we want the nightmare to end.

Usually there is a trigger point. Something happens which triggers a traumatic memory in the subconscious and all this emotional vomit comes forth. Perhaps it is unfair to call it vomit, but I know it feels like vomit to me since I've been going through this myself.

When the dawn arrives it will bring healing. In order to get there try to go back to the first event that triggered what you are now feeling for that should give you great clues as to where this deep pain comes from.

Forgive yourself for any wrongs you've done whether real or imagined. Forgive yourself for not being where you want to be. Forgive yourself for your imperfections for you are only human.

Forgive your parents (I know how difficult this is but it must be done) and forgive all the perpetrators who have stood in your way. The difficult thing here is that forgiveness has to happen organically, on its own. It's not lip service. One cannot say "I forgive" and suddenly it's done. It must come from the heart, from understanding that those who hurt you probably didn't know what they were doing in the first place...

So while you're kicking and cursing and screaming and wishing everything would just disappear, don't forget to appreciate the good in your life. I'm sure it's there. It sounds like you have a lovely person in your life who truly is trying to understand. Be grateful for everything that is working: your body, your mind, your mobility, your bodily functions, your eyes, your hands, your vital organs, etc., etc., etc., and realize that this will pass and you'll be considerably stronger when you clear away the cobwebs. Life is difficult for most people, especially seekers, but you're learning a lot and there's a future ahead of you. Make the best of it!

For now I wish you patience. May you soon let out a giant scream with a smile on your face.

Love and blessings,

Daughter of Time

[risveglio]

As someone who is going through a shift himself who has suffered from depression and has considered why not end it, I can really relate to your story. I have a new outlook on life but find myself gravitating back to my insecurities of questioning if I am worthy of the change. I am not a biologist of any sort but was told by a doctor that it takes about 400 days of clean thinking and eating in some cases to really fix your brain. I only recently found out what was the underlining cause of my feelings of worthlessness but once you accept and learn what that is, it becomes easier to "let go". Getting rid of negative emotions, negative thoughts, negative self-talk, negative friends and negative anything does help a lot. Find what works for you and just work on it daily. Start everyday with the goal to be better than you were yesterday.

I have incorporated a few of Dr. Judith Orloff’s practices but I say find whatever works. Thanks for sharing.

[giovonni]

Sorry to hear of your depression Whenyournex2me ...

Though i sense you will recover and thrive again ...

Note one of the benefits (and a true aspect) of being able to share here on this forum, is allowing (in general) for one's anonymity. Whereas on most general forum outlets, many will take advantage and sling inappropriate banter back at the OP poster. Here at Avalon (for the most part) there is always a generous desire and consensuses to be helpful, genuine and sincere. In these particularly sensitive thread instances, it usually brings out and demonstrates the best qualities of this forum's membership in caring for one another, no matter who they are and where they from.

Carry on ... :)

[wnlight]

Daughter of Time has really said it right and said it all. Her advice is correct and imperative.

[Snookie]

What I found very helpful, was going for group counselling at a sexual assault centre. I was able to listen to other peoples stories and found many of them had far worse experiences than I. I also found out it happens to all types of people from all types of backgrounds. That it wasn't my fault.

I went for 2 6 week sessions a few years apart. The first time I didn't really deal with it on a deep enough level, and it was still affecting my behaviour and attitude in a negative way.

The second time I went I really felt the pain of it. I felt like someone had reached down my throat and grabbed my guts and turned me inside out! I was really raw for a while. It gradually got better, but I still made some poor decisions, one being in a marriage partner. When I finally decided to end my marriage to a man with a serious gambling problem, I thought I'd better stay away from relationships until I figured myself out.

I spent a year or two writing my thoughts down in a journal. I found this really helped me come to certain realizations I probably wouldn't have otherwise. I decided I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to be in an unhappy relationship. I also decided that if I did start serious relationship with someone they had better be self sufficient and treat me with respect.

I have been with a wonderful man for the last almost 14 years who treats me like a queen. This didn't happen until I decided to love myself enough to not put up with any crap from anyone.

Not sure if you will find any of this helpful, but hopefully something will resonate with you.

Namaste

[markoid]

You say at the beginning of your post that you are looking for progress with your spiritual journey and it strikes me that you have created a perfect scenario to have a massive clearing of many of the obstacles that you feel are standing in your way.
You clearly feel a lot of resentment towards your parents and step father and are carrying this poisonous load around with you hanging onto to it tightly like it is a bag of gold! It is not!
Parents almost never raise their children with the attitude that 'I am going to **** this kid up as much as I can. They mostly do the best that they are capable of. Sure it is often misguided and dysfunctional, but nonetheless it is not deliberately motivated by evil any more than your own 'giving up on' your kids was.

A small process that may be worth trying is to sit in a chair with another chair opposite you a few feet away.
Sit the person you wish to deal with in the empty chair (imagine them sitting opposite you) and tell them exactly what you think of them as authentically as possible.
Then sit in the other chair and 'become' the other person and explain their side of the dynamic between you and why they did/acted in the way they did.
You may be surprised at what transpires.

Your angst sounds very genuine and although I certainly empathise with you I would not like to you miss the golden opportunity you have given yourself.
Best of luck to you my friend.

PS: Do you know of Ho'oponopono. It is a process well worth looking into as well

[Mu2143]

.............................

[Stephanie]

It is so good and brave,to release the fears that have held you captive.
My heart goes out to your anger,frustration and profound pain.
Covering you in the light of love and joy,and blessing all the steps of your journey.

:hug:

[Sidney]

Many folks are struggling with these things lately. And FWIW, I dont know how old you are, but my parents generation was certainly not condusive of having enjoyment as a priority in life. So many people and child/parent struggles well beyond middle age. I have heard many times, that life begins when parents die. And i dont mean that with disrespect of the elderly parents that are in their 70s 80s and even 90s.
Many baby boomers come from highly disfunctional families. Anyway I am rambling, but I understand your pain, and what you are doing is a healthy beginning of purging and healing. Sending positive thoughts and energies in you direction. Hugs, Sidney