Do People Change after Getting Married...?

[apokalypse]

is it me or what? i notice people change after they married isn't like before. I went back to my home country for personal reason on December, 2 of my close relative changed...it's all about my family(kids-wife/husband..ect). i know they have commitment but come on...can't these people have some time with you for a day or few hours?

not only that their personality changed aswell, their family came first and screw the rest which cause conflict or distance themselves from others...i have seen this so many times.

[thepainterdoug]

so often true. people change when they get what they want. most often everything is an act prior to getting what they want. once satisfied, they settle in to their real selves. i have a family member that is nothing like he was while we were growing up together. he married someone and is now completely different. the act is over, a new role adopted.

[ZooLife]

so often true. people change when they get what they want. most often everything is an act prior to getting what they want. once satisfied, they settle in to their real selves. i have a family member that is nothing like he was while we were growing up together. he married someone and is now completely different. the act is over, a new role adopted.

"real selves"? The new role adopted is an act as well.

And the beat goes on.......


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bS3O5zg290k

[ghostrider]

it's called priorities ... family will come first ...

[Matt P]

Life is change. Change and adapt or become static and stale. People change with age. Everyone is different, though. I am not the same person I was when I was young and thank goodness. I cringe when I think of things I said and did back then. People change when they get married because priorities and interests change. Have kids and then your priorities and interests change even more! People change with study, awareness and experience. I have left behind family and friends that didn't grow and change and become aware. It was not easy. It is difficult for me to be around people stuck in old habits and old thinking. My own father can't understand why I don't drop everything to go have drinks, watch a game or hang with his buddies with him like I did when I was younger. He can't understand why I love to spend my time with my family. He criticizes and guilt trips me frequently for the time I spend with them. He doesn't understand because his thing was never family time and he never understood the joy of that change, he cheated on every woman he was ever with, wasn't a good father and everything was always about him, and he has not grown and developed for decades because he's stuck in his own old, static ways and refuses to change. Maybe too much information and obviously not your situation but perhaps there is something of value in this story?

I worry about my little brother, too, because he believes every bit of mainstream propaganda and is about to have his first child and is completely clueless. He was always one to criticize his friends as they were marrying, having kids and not seeing him as much so it will be interesting to see if he finally realizes what great change takes place as you become a father and have a family.

Perhaps your family really are being unreasonable (some people are overly consumed with their own inner circle) but my humble suggestion would be to find a way to find common ground with your changing family members if you want to continue enjoying their company and do not want to be left behind. I'm sure you still have common interests if you're willing to try. Or perhaps try their interests and see what their fuss is all about.

One last thing. When you said they seem to only care about themselves that struck a thought with me. Again, I don't know you or these folks but I would bet some people might say the same about my family because we are so close and sooooo different from most other people. We kind of circle the wagons around ourselves for protection. I would explain more but I'm already rambling but maybe they are doing something similar?

Matt

[Flash]

it's called priorities ... family will come first ...

Yes, having children mostly will change you enormously. More than having a spouse. I had my first child late in life, (a last call mom, truly last call) and I thought I had a good idea of what it means and what it entails. I had seen so many of my friends and family with their children. Sometimes i would even pass comments on ways to raise them you see, I had a degree in psychology lol.

When I had my daughter, I thought "Oh my, this is sooooooo different, it is sooooooo time consuming, and sooooooo much responsibities, and sooooooooooooooo much opening of the heart".

In fact, I was completely transformed by the event. And really not much time for anything else, still less time if you are a working mother, over and above.

Then I thought of all those times I thought I knew and even gave advice and my last thinking about it was "Oh my, was I out of it and Oh my, was I arrogant"!!!

Have a good day everyone, I have to go prepare lunch for my now 18 years old one and her boyfriend - but this time out of love and fun.

----------

By they way, getting married or having children is not, in my view, getting what you want. In my views it is getting to learn HOW TO love, and it is hard work, sometimes pleasant sometimes not, but most of the time fulfilling overall.

[thepainterdoug]

i didn't necessarily say getting married is getting what you want. it was meant in general. we all put on one face when after something, a job a mate etc, we wear our sunday best. then the t shirt and jeans come out.

[Lifebringer]

It's that 50/50 adjustment in a partnership that you keep your 50% to be yourself, and 50% to your spouse giving both of you 200% focus on the whole health of the relationship. You examine the shortcomings of the applying date, give a designated time to get to know, honor and trust each other, engagement, and then the serious business of "life."
That 50% you give to yourself, must then be unselfishly given at times as your spouse will also. It's never a my way or the highway unless you're marrying a "master/slave" relationship. Sometimes people are able to do this math and succeed through long years of rough and smooth maturing waters. Sometimes people just think they are ready, and proceed with protocol or tradition, to make other's happiness priority or to just shut them up.

[Apulu]

I think I've seen those negative aspects that I think you're talking about apokalypse, and I think I may have experienced them for myself, as in felt myself change in a way that I didn't like as a result of marriage. I'm now divorced, and while there is no real animosity at all between me and my ex, I feel there are certain aspects of what you are talking about that were going on in our relationship, and I felt I could not be a part of that. That wasn't the only thing that forced us apart, and it's only been in hindsight that I've thought about what you seem to be talking about.

To my mind it has to do with our sense of security. I don't feel there is anything inherently wrong with marriage, but if there are commitments and expectations and modes of behaviour going on that are the result of feelings of personal insecurity, then I think this has nothing to do with Love, and could really be bordering on the opposite. None the less people accept these types of things as being born of Love: "yes I'll be with you forever!", "of course you are the most important thing in my life, without exception!" "I love you more than anything else in the world." This type of story, to my mind, and as harsh as this sounds, is almost always based on fear, not Love. If someone is really changing for the negative as a result of marriage, in the ways that you describe, I think there's a good chance that there are different modes of behaviour going on in the relationship which are based on fear, probably with the addition that these modes are being perceived as being born of Love.

[ulli]

Everyone is a mixture of virtues and vices, or good habits and bad habits.
And marriages survive as long as both keep their focus on the partner's positive traits...
Which is usually the stuff they fell in love with in the beginning.

Overlook the defects of the other, and focus on transforming one's own self into a better human being.
After twenty+ years of maintaining this attitude people will have softened and become more compassionate and thus modified their ego.
Ego is part of the body, and dies when the body dies, but acquired virtues live on forever.

[Carmody]

it's called priorities ... family will come first ...

Yeah, that's the way it works.

Clarity is so much harder to find when the monkey is in charge and it is re-enforced in every heartbeat.

¤=[Post Update]=¤


Everyone is a mixture of virtues and vices, or good habits and bad habits.
And marriages survive as long as both keep their focus on the partner's positive traits...
Which is usually the stuff they fell in love with in the beginning.

Overlook the defects of the other, and focus on transforming one's own self into a better human being.
After twenty+ years of maintaining this attitude people will have softened and become more compassionate and thus modified their ego.
Ego is part of the body, and dies when the body dies, but acquired virtues live on forever.

It is the rare bird who understands that, going in. Especially on the first try, if there be multiple tries.

[Flash]

Everyone is a mixture of virtues and vices, or good habits and bad habits.
And marriages survive as long as both keep their focus on the partner's positive traits...
Which is usually the stuff they fell in love with in the beginning.

Overlook the defects of the other, and focus on transforming one's own self into a better human being.
After twenty+ years of maintaining this attitude people will have softened and become more compassionate and thus modified their ego.
Ego is part of the body, and dies when the body dies, but acquired virtues live on forever.

Isn't this called love?? Learning to love??? true loving??

Thanks Ulli

[ulli]

If I might add, being into my senior years now...
Change is basically a good sign. Change is a law of nature, in fact, the only constant that exists is change.

People change, whether they are married or not, and one needs to understand why one would expect the other person to remain a fixed item...
as all fixation is usually is a sign of possessiveness, and not healthy at all.

If a man is predominantly adventurous he may be subconsciously attracted to a partner who may give him some stability,
and expect the woman to play mum. But if this role is taken too far, there will be rebellion, and resentments, and neither partner wants to consider the needs of the other. And once the frustration level keeps rising, the original feelings of love disappear and it's time to start doing some repair work.
Working through these differences is important, more so for the males than the females.
Because when old age hits them, and they look back on a trail of broken hearts, with no family ties to hold them together emotionally, their lives become miserable.

[ulli]

Everyone is a mixture of virtues and vices, or good habits and bad habits.
And marriages survive as long as both keep their focus on the partner's positive traits...
Which is usually the stuff they fell in love with in the beginning.

Overlook the defects of the other, and focus on transforming one's own self into a better human being.
After twenty+ years of maintaining this attitude people will have softened and become more compassionate and thus modified their ego.
Ego is part of the body, and dies when the body dies, but acquired virtues live on forever.

Isn't this called love?? Learning to love??? true loving??

Thanks Ulli

Exactly!

Ahhh, true love of self and others!

All-encompassing love.

[DeDukshyn]

Familiarity becomes reality, and priorities become based on that perceived reality (your visit is now outside the "comfort zone" familiarity). It's just a part of the human condition - some are afflicted more than others.

[gripreaper]

la familia is todo


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5igxfJ8lWo

[Flash]

la familia is todo


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5igxfJ8lWo

my god, this is spooky!!

[ZooLife]

Family is everything.

Family is nothing,

Pick and choose is the deception.


http://quotesjunk.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/choose-your-corner-pick-away-at-it-carefully-intensely-and-to-the-best-of-your-ability-and-that-way-you-might-change-the-world-charles-eames.jpg

[ulli]

Part of the process of personal growth is an opening up to larger and larger groups...
Like ripples on a pond, forming larger circles.
Family is the next level or stage after marriage. Then there are the in-laws, and with that an inclusion of community, and bloodlines not one's own...and after that cultural and national identification and in the end the ability to see all humans, regardless of race or culture, as part of one's family.

[craig mitchell]

apokalypse, thanks for your post. You've exhumed something valuable for the members. "You can never go back" is a one-liner that we've all heard. Well, you can go back to the physical place, but on arriving we notice that things have changed. Did you ever really know the people in question? Did they know themselves? I mean know their True Selves, and do we know that about our own Self? It's a rare being who knows truly. I'm not being trite here in response to your post. Reminds me of this song, if I can get the da*n thing to work.

I dug up a diamond, rare and fine I dug up a diamond in a deep dark mine If only I could cling to my beautiful find I dug up a diamond in a deep dark mine
Strong as any metal or stone in the earth
My gem is special beyond all worth Sharp as any razor or blade you can buy
Bright as any laser or star in the sky

Maybe once in a lifetime you’ll hold one in your hand
Once in a lifetime in this land
Where the journey ends in a worthless claim
Time and again in the mining game
I dug up a diamond, rare and fine
I dug up a diamond in a deep dark mine
Down in the darkness in the dirt and the grime
I dug up a diamond in a deep dark mine


Song “I dug up a Diamond"
by Mark Knopfler, sung in duet with Emmylou Harris

[Ellisa]

Perhaps you could learn to like the family of your friend. You will never recapture the joy of the former friendship as that relates to the joy of youth, and being young and carefree. Try to understand that the friend has now another level to his/her relationships, one which is mature as well as caring. He/she has a family, and all that means-- a spouse whom they love dearly, and children, whom they love deeply and forever. And yes, your relationship has changed, but it hasn't stopped. You can enhance your own relationship by getting to know the people this friend loves so deeply, possibly more than they loved you. Extend your friendship to the whole family, and be happy for your friend. He/she seems to have grown up and found a happy, loving fulfilment. Maybe you can be included in it.

[ZooLife]

Part of the process of personal growth is an opening up to larger and larger groups...
Like ripples on a pond, forming larger circles.
Family is the next level or stage after marriage. Then there are the in-laws, and with that an inclusion of community, and bloodlines not one's own...and after that cultural and national identification and in the end the ability to see all humans, regardless of race or culture, as part of one's family.

Why stop there? What about animals, plants, and.....

Whoops, probably shouldn't kill and eat our family. ;)

https://availablelightonly.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/hattie-wilcox-lottie-mike-in-their-party-hats.jpg

http://cute-n-tiny.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/cute_kitten_bird-400x266.jpg

[lucidity]

Life is change. Change and adapt or become static and stale. People change with age. Everyone is different, though. I am not the same person I was when I was young and thank goodness. I cringe when I think of things I said and did back then. People change when they get married because priorities and interests change. Have kids and then your priorities and interests change even more! People change with study, awareness and experience. I have left behind family and friends that didn't grow and change and become aware. It was not easy. It is difficult for me to be around people stuck in old habits and old thinking. My own father can't understand why I don't drop everything to go have drinks, watch a game or hang with his buddies with him like I did when I was younger. He can't understand why I love to spend my time with my family. He criticizes and guilt trips me frequently for the time I spend with them. He doesn't understand because his thing was never family time and he never understood the joy of that change, he cheated on every woman he was ever with, wasn't a good father and everything was always about him, and he has not grown and developed for decades because he's stuck in his own old, static ways and refuses to change. Maybe too much information and obviously not your situation but perhaps there is something of value in this story?

I worry about my little brother, too, because he believes every bit of mainstream propaganda and is about to have his first child and is completely clueless. He was always one to criticize his friends as they were marrying, having kids and not seeing him as much so it will be interesting to see if he finally realizes what great change takes place as you become a father and have a family.

Perhaps your family really are being unreasonable (some people are overly consumed with their own inner circle) but my humble suggestion would be to find a way to find common ground with your changing family members if you want to continue enjoying their company and do not want to be left behind. I'm sure you still have common interests if you're willing to try. Or perhaps try their interests and see what their fuss is all about.

One last thing. When you said they seem to only care about themselves that struck a thought with me. Again, I don't know you or these folks but I would bet some people might say the same about my family because we are so close and sooooo different from most other people. We kind of circle the wagons around ourselves for protection. I would explain more but I'm already rambling but maybe they are doing something similar?

Matt

That was excellent Matt :-)

[gnostic9]

[QUOTE=ghostrider;940730]it's called priorities ... family will come first ...

Yes, having children mostly will change you enormously. More than having a spouse. I had my first child late in life, (a last call mom, truly last call) and I thought I had a good idea of what it means and what it entails. I had seen so many of my friends and family with their children. Sometimes i would even pass comments on ways to raise them you see, I had a degree in psychology lol.

When I had my daughter, I thought "Oh my, this is sooooooo different, it is sooooooo time consuming, and sooooooo much responsibities, and sooooooooooooooo much opening of the heart".

In fact, I was completely transformed by the event. And really not much time for anything else, still less time if you are a working mother, over and above.

Then I thought of all those times I thought I knew and even gave advice and my last thinking about it was "Oh my, was I out of it and Oh my, was I arrogant"!!!

Have a good day everyone, I have to go prepare lunch for my now 18 years old one and her boyfriend - but this time out of love and fun.

Hey Nat=Lee. Thank you so much for you. an inspiration to many. long may you be many, All is Love!

----------

[gnostic9]

it's called priorities ... family will come first ...

Yes, having children mostly will change you enormously. More than having a spouse. I had my first child late in life, (a last call mom, truly last call) and I thought I had a good idea of what it means and what it entails. I had seen so many of my friends and family with their children. Sometimes i would even pass comments on ways to raise them you see, I had a degree in psychology lol.

When I had my daughter, I thought "Oh my, this is sooooooo different, it is sooooooo time consuming, and sooooooo much responsibities, and sooooooooooooooo much opening of the heart".

In fact, I was completely transformed by the event. And really not much time for anything else, still less time if you are a working mother, over and above.

Then I thought of all those times I thought I knew and even gave advice and my last thinking about it was "Oh my, was I out of it and Oh my, was I arrogant"!!!

Have a good day everyone, I have to go prepare lunch for my now 18 years old one and her boyfriend - but this time out of love and fun.

----------

By they way, getting married or having children is not, in my view, getting what you want. In my views it is getting to learn HOW TO love, and it is hard work, sometimes pleasant sometimes not, but most of the time fulfilling overall.

Hello Flash. I am really sorry for hurting anyone, I am just an averge idiot in the swarm thay exists!

[Camilo]

Big time, because expectations and projections from all over re-shape/re-define who you are, how you're supposed to behave and fit, and buy into the pre-created way society runs.