The Family Unit: make or break

[Violet]

This is more of a sociology thread (mods, feel free to move to better place if necessary & thanks):

In some families, the unit - despite typical or unusual family problems - is held sacred. This is the larger family I'm speaking of: with grandparents, aunt, nieces, cousins, etc. All members have a loyalty towards one another and will need to overcome their own needs and pains to preserve the unit. No one just takes off like that. Everybody's always meeting and gathering.

It goes without saying that this is somewhat easier in 'healthy' families.

Now, over the years I've come across advices, some of which therapeutic, to break (certain) family bonds for one's own well-being. I'm under the impression that this is a growing trend.

And in some extreme cases, I can relate, but sometimes, I wonder about that. About whether in the long run breaking is better than making.

And vice versa, if you're not happy living that way, can endless 'making' bring that happiness, eventually?

[Ewan]

There seems to have been a design in the West to destabilise the family unit which has worked quite successfully. More than that, communities have been largely dissolved. People in unison can act together. Individuals are disempowered from that dynamic to a large extent. Large parts of Asia still have extended family units, mini-tribes.

From a spiritual or psychological aspect it may be that it's part of the journey. From leaving a group where a lot of bahaviour is 'expected' to branching out and standing on your own two feet. Once you have been self-sufficient and not reliant on the networked support of a large family any ties you form after this is because you want to and not because you have to. I'm theorising with absolutely no academic qualifications. :)

[Marikins]

There is an opportunity here. Often family has been a hierarchical manipulation where the elders hold control over the younger to feed their own needs. They would do this under the flag of family, much as soldiers are manipulated by patriotism.

The opportunity as some are becoming more aware, is to model loving self care and healthy boundaries within the manipulative group. Thanksgiving is a great example of a situation where enlightened people can pleasantly say no, but show respect and courtesy when asked to compromise their time, treasure or energy. Here is a silly little example: Grandma asks Sally to make pumpkin pie from scratch. Sally stays up late the night before to do it. When she brings her pie, Grandma says put on the table with the other pies. Already ridiculous since who needs multiple pies. Sally does and finds Grandma has made the identical pie and begins the inquisition about was the pulp from a real pumpkin, did she use cream not tinned milk, etc. Then she insists on comparative taste tests. Sally had made her pie in the spirit of love which was somehow converted into a massive put down involving the entire family. Our Sally tastes both pies and declared them both delicious. She told Grandma that in future, do not ask her to bring an unneeded pie, she packed up her dessert, said a loving goodbye to all and left without anger.

I am not Sally, I witnessed this tour de force. This tiny act shocked the rest of the family who had been manipulated into much larger sacrifices that day. The elders were absolutely stunned at this rebel and tried to squash further rebellion by calling the family to action on another mission, again under the flag of family.

So with this example, by saving herself and not letting the old family run her program, Sallie has freed the family members to reconsider how they would like to participate. Even in unhealthy families, there is a great opportunity for growth.

[ulli]

Most of the world's conflicts stem from traditions, religious and cultural, which have been upheld by the matriarchs. (Grandmothers mostly)
Meanwhile the patriarchs in the family unit can then freely exploit the younger generation, under the pretense that it will one day bestow the family inheritance on them.

By breaking these family structures up there is a better chance to start integrating the poverty classes.
The lowest class (caste) in India have zero chance of breaking out, due to the rigid traditions imposed by Hinduism.
What kind of a future would such a world offer?
Anyway, a purely family-structured society can never be the end all, due to the stresses experienced when in-laws start pulling from the other direction.
There is always overlap, and a ripple effect going outwards, and the more, the better. In my view.

[Bubu]

Its not about making or breaking but rather to extend the family boundary until it encompass the whole of the human race. It is my wish that the whole of human race will be my family and I will be their family as well. My observation is that a close knit family is less likely to open to non family. Isn't it much better to treat every person as family.

[etheric underground]

Without true family unity, we relinquish our love bond and in doing so allow the fear component to manifest.
We are all connected and require these connections as a whole to move forward.
The push to break family and all it stands for has been quite apparent for a long time.
I choose to love and keep my family ties strong, even through hardships and testing times.

[Violet]

I'm theorising with absolutely no academic qualifications. :)

Thanks, Ewan, never let that be a barrier. :)

[Violet]

I found Sally's story very illustrative. Could see it playing in front of me.


There is an opportunity here. Often family has been a hierarchical manipulation where the elders hold control over the younger to feed their own needs. They would do this under the flag of family, much as soldiers are manipulated by patriotism.

The opportunity as some are becoming more aware, is to model loving self care and healthy boundaries within the manipulative group. Thanksgiving is a great example of a situation where enlightened people can pleasantly say no, but show respect and courtesy when asked to compromise their time, treasure or energy. Here is a silly little example: Grandma asks Sally to make pumpkin pie from scratch. Sally stays up late the night before to do it. When she brings her pie, Grandma says put on the table with the other pies. Already ridiculous since who needs multiple pies. Sally does and finds Grandma has made the identical pie and begins the inquisition about was the pulp from a real pumpkin, did she use cream not tinned milk, etc. Then she insists on comparative taste tests. Sally had made her pie in the spirit of love which was somehow converted into a massive put down involving the entire family. Our Sally tastes both pies and declared them both delicious. She told Grandma that in future, do not ask her to bring an unneeded pie, she packed up her dessert, said a loving goodbye to all and left without anger.

I am not Sally, I witnessed this tour de force. This tiny act shocked the rest of the family who had been manipulated into much larger sacrifices that day. The elders were absolutely stunned at this rebel and tried to squash further rebellion by calling the family to action on another mission, again under the flag of family.

So with this example, by saving herself and not letting the old family run her program, Sallie has freed the family members to reconsider how they would like to participate. Even in unhealthy families, there is a great opportunity for growth.

[ZooLife]

It is my wish that the whole of human race will be my family and I will be their family as well.

Isn't it much better to treat every person as family.

That would be one heck of a paradigm shift, Bubu!

We really are one family seemingly pulled apart by an endless array of interests/ agendas. From one perspective, it does make for some interesting story developments though!

[Inaiá]

Good topic, Violet.

From the point of view of the religion that I identify myself with (Spiritism): Definite separation is not the answer when we observe that everything is interconnected. One thing we should remember is that when we stop relating with someone it doesn't mean that we are distant from them. On the contrary: emotionally we are very close to the other person, and in a negative way.

That being said, some relationships can get really hard and the individuals envolved may start to do more harm than good to each other. That, for sure, is not good. Additionaly, the timing for (self-)healing can be different from one person to another. In this case, one can decide to act in many ways, including choosing to walk away (to stay phisically distant). But that decision will depend on a lot of things and is the kind of decision that only the person itself will be able to do. There's no way to determine what someone should do in a specific situation. But, whatever one decides to do, one should never loose the inner disposition, or stop working, to heal that relationship from inside out, starting from the psychological/emotional/spiritual realm. I heard once: "You can leave a relashionship, but you should never abandon a person; not in your heart". In the end, it'll be ourselves that we will be healing.

Resumo of what to do (or be) in difficult relationships:

External acts: whatever one sees that fits.
Vibrations: always toward healing.

:flower:

[Citizen No2]

Divide and conquer........... it's one of the oldest trick's in the book.



Regards.