A difficult mother

[jimrich]

Last night, I went to a local Advaita "meet-up" group here in Santa Monica where one man was saying how he hates it when he mom calls and how upset and bothered her endless complaining makes him feel.
The group launched into giving him advice on how to deal with either his feelings about his mom or how to handle her but I just kept thinking (thanks to Rupert Spira) "Who is bothered, who has the problem here?" So, since I was a timid newbie, I finally found the courage to say something.
I told them that I was a veteran of many self-help support groups and had a huge array of "coping skills", based on therapy & Self Esteem work, to deal with a difficult mom and other things BUT, my latest coping skill is to just stop and ask my self, "Who is bothered?", "who is unhappy about my mom?", "who has a problem here?"
Then I might say back to myself, "Me, you idiot!, I am bothered, unhappy and burdened!" Then I'd ask myself, "Who is this 'me'? Who am I that is bothered and unhappy?"
My now angry/defensive self might say, "Dammit, I just told you - I AM BOTHERED AND UNHAPPY!!!!"
Then I'd ask, "Who or what is this 'I'?"
Then, if I'm lucky or open enough, I might realize it's my EGO that is so unhappy, bothered and now angry and defensive - but wait - I am NOT this ego - I HAVE and ego but I am NOT an ego --- I am me - the Source (or whatever term works here).
At that point in time, my ego may dissolve and leave just me, the Source, after which I, as the Source, can deal with my mom in whatever sensible way I, the Source, can or will - which is way different and often better than my upset, unhappy, angry little ego ever can.
Most of them laughed at this since most of us have seen our pathetic egos in action!
I did not try to tell the troubled man how to fix his problem with his mom or what to do other than to question his own identity. He and some of the others stopped in their tracks to consider this "Who am I?" aspect (even though this is an Advaita group???) and realized that, if we can unhook from our ego, we are much more likely to deal with life in a better way by coming from the Source rather than through the troublesome ego.
So now, instead of giving this troubled man a lot of advice for how to fix things, we just switched over to focusing on his (and our) identity, as the Source, to deal with life and difficulties rather than from his very limited ego.
This made perfect sense to the troubled man and everyone at that meeting.
We all agreed that this concept or system might not work for the average person out there since most of them will not go beyond nor ever question their identity AS a troubled ego so they might do better with self esteem methods which only helps the ego, IMO.
It's amazing to me to see how many folks just plow through life without ever asking them selves, "Who/what is doing, being, having, thinking, feeling, reacting, etc. to such and such?" I never did and I was taught the "What am I?" question many years ago but never saw that the question is NOT about finding any "What" - it's about discovering that I am NOT AN EGO, self-identity or separate 'me'.
Now I wish that my 1st guru had trained me to ask, "What am I NOT?" and then I might have arrived at the realization that I am NOT THE EGO!
He taught me to detach from my body (I am not the body) but that is as far as I went with him. Somehow my ego has had free reign for most of my life!
There were times when I was ego-free and somehow became the Real me but few and far between and, I had no idea how to stay Real so the false me just came right back in again! This has happened many, many times so far!
I told that troubled man, at the Advaita meeting, about how my ego usually came right back in so I had to go back to the "Who is upset, etc.?" question over and over until I could reach and perhaps stay Liberated from the egoic state. For me, this questioning process is getting faster and easier as being Real is becoming more normal than being egocentric.
How about you? How do you cope with problems, suffering and trouble? What is your "system" or coping method? I'd love to read your story. :highfive:

[Sueanne47]

Hi Jimrich,

Over time I learned to get peace with myself...but its taken a long time!! in my teens and 20's years I was severely depressed because I was surrounded by bullies from all angles ~ school, college, family, work. At this time I always had the impression that the bullies were right and my opinion was worthless. Later on, I realised that no, I wasnt worthless and I have a right to live and have my own mind (I listen to critics, and either take it...or leave it!) I learned from a buddhist to keep the world 'outside' of your body, when I meditate I empty my head of all thought.

I'm now surrounded by better people though, and only keep those close who appreciate, care and respect me. My life is a darn sight more happier because of it. :sun: not all people are abysmal!

Always be kind and have a sense of humour...people will love you for it, but self respect is *Paramount*.

[jimrich]

Sueanne, thanks for your response.

I learned from a buddhist to keep the world 'outside' of your body, when I meditate I empty my head of all thought.
If this stops or eliminates your ego, even for a moment, that will bring in joy, peace, happiness other things that you naturally are once the interfering ego is GONE. I'd guess one could just dismiss their ego and have the same peace with or without meditation.


but self respect is *Paramount*.
As good as self respect can be, I'd now say that loss of one's ego is Paramount and will make you AUTOMATICALLY happy. The question might be: how to lose or stop one's ego? IMO, self inquiry is an easy and quick way to see and then dump the ego. "Who am I?" - I am NOT the ego! :cake:

[greybeard]

Byron Katie "loving what is" may be helpful.
She uses four questions to challenge any belief that it is true

some quotes

Byron Katie
Byron Katie > Quotes

Byron Katie quotes (showing 1-30 of 72)
“It's not your job to like me - it's mine”
― Byron Katie

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it... it's just easier if you do.”
― Byron Katie

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
tags: suffering, thinking, victim

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”
― Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

http://thework.com/en/do-work

2. Ask the Four Questions

Investigate each of your statements from the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet using the four questions. The Work is meditation. It’s about opening to your heart, not about trying to change your thoughts. Ask the questions, then go inside and wait for the deeper answers to surface.

Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
Can you absolutely know that it's true? (Yes or no.)
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?

Love
Chris

[sandy]

I relate to how you cope Jimrich, as it is very similar to my own. Sure helps to get passed ego issues, learn about intent and maintain spirit oneness.

Works for me more quickly as time passes and I stay consciously aware.

Also facilitates a sense of compassion for others and not enabling and thus; detachment does not feel like abandonment.

Thank you Jimrich :bearhug:

[jimrich]

I relate to how you cope Jimrich, as it is very similar to my own. Thank you Jimrich :bearhug:
Thank you, Sandy. :heart: