The Freedom Train
27th January 2017, 18:29
I would like to share with ya'll a recent direct experience I had pertaining to this statement - one that I am sure many may feel is a bit cliched or oversimplified. I would like to offer my story, with evidence, to explain that in actuality, its simplicity and power is what makes it so powerfully true.
I am a TI, and have been so for most, if not all of my life. My mother is as well. About four years ago, I began to realize that she was being used as a conduit to attack me. I was struggling at the time with a very difficult life situation and was burdened by heavy trauma. I felt like I was on the daily trying to keep my head above water while drowning in a sea of despair.
Of course at the same time, my mother was incessantly calling me with her own problems. Every time I got off the phone with her, I was so overwhelmed by the negativity that she would download into me/dump on me that I would become hysterical, and oftentimes bedridden with depression. It was a horribly vicious cycle.
When I began to realize what she was doing to me (unwittingly I later realized) I began to distance myself for my own self preservation. The backlash was ENORMOUS. She went from merely unloading staggering bundles of negativity for me to process for her (as I am an intuitive empath), she went one step farther and began vehemently attacking me any time we talked. She would turn on a dime and say the most insulting, upsetting things, seemingly out of nowhere, without any basis in reality.
When this began happening, despite my feeling and knowing that the whole phenomenon was happening despite my mother's conscious input (her true being is actually extremely loving and generous), my ego would of course react in a knee-jerk fashion, and try as I might to reason with her and defend myself, anything i said to those ends only fed the problem and made things worse, to the point that I would explode and say something I later regretted.
It has taken several years of training - and more often than not stretches of strong boundaries and barred communications - for me to come to where I am now. I began to see how I did not want to forever remain estranged from my mother. On top of that, my entire life all I have ever wanted to do is help my mother, and free her from the grips of whatever has been torturing her for as long as I have known her. I did not see how I could do that without doing my best to maintain contact with her.
So, at times when I have felt strong, I have reached out and allowed communication to pick up where it left off. Each time, it has inevitably ended in her attacking me out of the blue, and each time I am reminded of how very far I still have to go, being thrown off each time, feeling hurt and upset, despite knowing that what is attacking my is not my real mother at all, but most likely some sort of draco overlay.
So I would like to share with you all the most recent back and forth, which fortunately happened via text, which gave me the time and space I needed to respond as carefully and thoughtfully as possible. Also helpful is that I was able to transcribe it, to remind myself of how truly bizarre it is when this happens - out of the blue. She actually came to visit me for a day last month - something that has not happened for several years now - and she had nothing but the kindest things to say to me about my mothering, my strength, my goodness as a person....
Despite having the text as a buffer for my reactions in this most recent "showdown," I still struggled with wanting to explain, to defend myself. To refute her bizarre claims and accusations.
It was only at the end of this back and forth when I realized, the only thing I can really say is "i love you." It was this statement alone that ended the diatribe she had unleashed.
In the past when this kind of thing happens, she has gone on and on, leaving nasty voicemails, sending nasty emails and texts. However this time, as soon as I sent her these simple words, sans caveats or addendums of ANY kind (which in my supposition would be small egoic attempts to slip another last word in edgewise), all communication ceased. She has not texted, voicemailed, or emailed since. Miraculous.
LOVE is, truly and simply, the answer.
And so for anyone who cares to see it, here is the evidence.
Mom.
Jan 21, 7:15pm EST: Remember that picture of me at your birthday with you and Walker and Edward that I absolutely DETESTED how did you happen to get it (along with all of the others) and WHY did you choose to frame it? How did you come to own my cutting boards from The Elements? It might have been courteous to ask first, you know I have given you many of my favorite possessions…?
Jan 21, 11:22pm EST: Do you actually believe in love, peace and unity with all people, do you really want to help people? You sound really put upon if I ask you for help – and I did not understand what you meant by “we all eat each other” or “they are going to start a civil war and let us all kill each other off.” Your apartment seems so full of very carefully styled areas of contentment but your mind seems very troubled. Like Edward you seem suspicious and paranoid of even loving family members who rather than using each other feel happy and stronger when we help each other reunite.
Me.
Jan 21, 9:42 pm MST: I am sorry I did not know you did not like that photograph of all of us – I can't remember but assume you gave it to me.
Jan 21, 9:44pm MST: As for the cutting boards – I asked if I could have them when I came up with you that time to help you get things from the house in Thomaston.
Jan 21, 9:45 pm MST: I would like to believe in love and try my best despite what I see happening in the world.
Jan 21, 9:48pm MST: I find it unfortunate that you feel like I don't want to help you – I called both Billie and Edward as soon as I got your message.
Jan 21, 9:49pm MST: I do the best I can.
Jan 21, 9:50pm MST: Of course if you prefer Moebius and I can hold off on our visit in February.
Jan21, 9:51pm MST: I don't want to overwhelm you and it sounds like you have a lot going on what with juggling Walker's school, your new job, and figuring out your living situation.
Jan 21,9:52pm MST: Perhaps it would be better to wait.
Jan 21, 10:09pm MST:What I do not understand is how you can go from having nothing but compliments for me to questioning whether I even believe in love among other things.
Jan 21, 10:13pm MST: It is difficult for anybody to relax and let their guard down completely around someone so changeable and unpredictable.
Jan 21, 10:14pm MST: Of course because I love you I do my best to remain open with you.
Jan 21, 10:18pm MST: I realized over the years that I cannot make you happy – all I can do is love you, even if that means there is nothing I can do to help you.
Jan 21, 10:19pm MST: I am sorry about Edward I can understand how distressing it must be for you.
Jan 21, 10:20pm MST: I hope that you and Walker can figure out a situation that is best for both of you.
Jan 21, 10:21pm MST: I love you both and wish you both the best.
Mom.
Jan 22, 8:59pm EST: Why don't you focus on making yourself happy, I think that's how the world works best.
Me.
Jan 22, 10:25pm EST: I suggest that you take your own advice there.
Mom.
Jan 23, 10:49am EST:If you have become the two-faced negative force who takes pleasure from leading lost people down the road to evil like the group of people you have been hanging with please understand you have no power over me or my children as we are believers in God and the light and don't recognize or associate with evil, witchcraft, aliens or the underworld.
Me.
Jan 23, 10:51am EST: I am one of your children.
Mom.
Jan 23, 11:00am EST: Go backstab and take down some others today with your idleness and love of the underworld. I'm sure you are way behind schedule in your disrespectful and unrelenting quest to make the world all you think it should be.
Me.
Jan 23, 11:02am EST: I am sorry you feel that way.
Jan 23, 11:04am EST: I cannot help the fact that you refuse to look at yourself
Jan 23, 11:05am EST: I love you and look forward to a day when we can communicate sans hostility.
Mom.
Jan 24, 9:06am EST: Why do you mistreat, hurt and deny people and then need to control the situation to the point of not even allowing a mistreated voice? Why do you feel the need to argue your point always having the last word and again dominating? Are you so wired for intense competition that you can never meet half way? Why do you keep Moebius from having a Christmas tree? She can believe in Christianity if she chooses. Why are you so disrespectful of your mother and talk down even arguing with daddy? Was Nancy Slate right? Should Moebius have been taken away from you?
Jan 24, 9:09am EST: I know what control, manipulation and abuse feels like and I am afraid it feels just like what you do to me and others. No one wants to be abused and mistreated and not be able to speak up for themselves, not in a country that has freedom of speech!
Jan 24, 9:19am EST: You want to bully me and throw sand in my face you just don't want me to get upset about it!
Me.
Jan 24, 11:50am EST: I love you
I am a TI, and have been so for most, if not all of my life. My mother is as well. About four years ago, I began to realize that she was being used as a conduit to attack me. I was struggling at the time with a very difficult life situation and was burdened by heavy trauma. I felt like I was on the daily trying to keep my head above water while drowning in a sea of despair.
Of course at the same time, my mother was incessantly calling me with her own problems. Every time I got off the phone with her, I was so overwhelmed by the negativity that she would download into me/dump on me that I would become hysterical, and oftentimes bedridden with depression. It was a horribly vicious cycle.
When I began to realize what she was doing to me (unwittingly I later realized) I began to distance myself for my own self preservation. The backlash was ENORMOUS. She went from merely unloading staggering bundles of negativity for me to process for her (as I am an intuitive empath), she went one step farther and began vehemently attacking me any time we talked. She would turn on a dime and say the most insulting, upsetting things, seemingly out of nowhere, without any basis in reality.
When this began happening, despite my feeling and knowing that the whole phenomenon was happening despite my mother's conscious input (her true being is actually extremely loving and generous), my ego would of course react in a knee-jerk fashion, and try as I might to reason with her and defend myself, anything i said to those ends only fed the problem and made things worse, to the point that I would explode and say something I later regretted.
It has taken several years of training - and more often than not stretches of strong boundaries and barred communications - for me to come to where I am now. I began to see how I did not want to forever remain estranged from my mother. On top of that, my entire life all I have ever wanted to do is help my mother, and free her from the grips of whatever has been torturing her for as long as I have known her. I did not see how I could do that without doing my best to maintain contact with her.
So, at times when I have felt strong, I have reached out and allowed communication to pick up where it left off. Each time, it has inevitably ended in her attacking me out of the blue, and each time I am reminded of how very far I still have to go, being thrown off each time, feeling hurt and upset, despite knowing that what is attacking my is not my real mother at all, but most likely some sort of draco overlay.
So I would like to share with you all the most recent back and forth, which fortunately happened via text, which gave me the time and space I needed to respond as carefully and thoughtfully as possible. Also helpful is that I was able to transcribe it, to remind myself of how truly bizarre it is when this happens - out of the blue. She actually came to visit me for a day last month - something that has not happened for several years now - and she had nothing but the kindest things to say to me about my mothering, my strength, my goodness as a person....
Despite having the text as a buffer for my reactions in this most recent "showdown," I still struggled with wanting to explain, to defend myself. To refute her bizarre claims and accusations.
It was only at the end of this back and forth when I realized, the only thing I can really say is "i love you." It was this statement alone that ended the diatribe she had unleashed.
In the past when this kind of thing happens, she has gone on and on, leaving nasty voicemails, sending nasty emails and texts. However this time, as soon as I sent her these simple words, sans caveats or addendums of ANY kind (which in my supposition would be small egoic attempts to slip another last word in edgewise), all communication ceased. She has not texted, voicemailed, or emailed since. Miraculous.
LOVE is, truly and simply, the answer.
And so for anyone who cares to see it, here is the evidence.
Mom.
Jan 21, 7:15pm EST: Remember that picture of me at your birthday with you and Walker and Edward that I absolutely DETESTED how did you happen to get it (along with all of the others) and WHY did you choose to frame it? How did you come to own my cutting boards from The Elements? It might have been courteous to ask first, you know I have given you many of my favorite possessions…?
Jan 21, 11:22pm EST: Do you actually believe in love, peace and unity with all people, do you really want to help people? You sound really put upon if I ask you for help – and I did not understand what you meant by “we all eat each other” or “they are going to start a civil war and let us all kill each other off.” Your apartment seems so full of very carefully styled areas of contentment but your mind seems very troubled. Like Edward you seem suspicious and paranoid of even loving family members who rather than using each other feel happy and stronger when we help each other reunite.
Me.
Jan 21, 9:42 pm MST: I am sorry I did not know you did not like that photograph of all of us – I can't remember but assume you gave it to me.
Jan 21, 9:44pm MST: As for the cutting boards – I asked if I could have them when I came up with you that time to help you get things from the house in Thomaston.
Jan 21, 9:45 pm MST: I would like to believe in love and try my best despite what I see happening in the world.
Jan 21, 9:48pm MST: I find it unfortunate that you feel like I don't want to help you – I called both Billie and Edward as soon as I got your message.
Jan 21, 9:49pm MST: I do the best I can.
Jan 21, 9:50pm MST: Of course if you prefer Moebius and I can hold off on our visit in February.
Jan21, 9:51pm MST: I don't want to overwhelm you and it sounds like you have a lot going on what with juggling Walker's school, your new job, and figuring out your living situation.
Jan 21,9:52pm MST: Perhaps it would be better to wait.
Jan 21, 10:09pm MST:What I do not understand is how you can go from having nothing but compliments for me to questioning whether I even believe in love among other things.
Jan 21, 10:13pm MST: It is difficult for anybody to relax and let their guard down completely around someone so changeable and unpredictable.
Jan 21, 10:14pm MST: Of course because I love you I do my best to remain open with you.
Jan 21, 10:18pm MST: I realized over the years that I cannot make you happy – all I can do is love you, even if that means there is nothing I can do to help you.
Jan 21, 10:19pm MST: I am sorry about Edward I can understand how distressing it must be for you.
Jan 21, 10:20pm MST: I hope that you and Walker can figure out a situation that is best for both of you.
Jan 21, 10:21pm MST: I love you both and wish you both the best.
Mom.
Jan 22, 8:59pm EST: Why don't you focus on making yourself happy, I think that's how the world works best.
Me.
Jan 22, 10:25pm EST: I suggest that you take your own advice there.
Mom.
Jan 23, 10:49am EST:If you have become the two-faced negative force who takes pleasure from leading lost people down the road to evil like the group of people you have been hanging with please understand you have no power over me or my children as we are believers in God and the light and don't recognize or associate with evil, witchcraft, aliens or the underworld.
Me.
Jan 23, 10:51am EST: I am one of your children.
Mom.
Jan 23, 11:00am EST: Go backstab and take down some others today with your idleness and love of the underworld. I'm sure you are way behind schedule in your disrespectful and unrelenting quest to make the world all you think it should be.
Me.
Jan 23, 11:02am EST: I am sorry you feel that way.
Jan 23, 11:04am EST: I cannot help the fact that you refuse to look at yourself
Jan 23, 11:05am EST: I love you and look forward to a day when we can communicate sans hostility.
Mom.
Jan 24, 9:06am EST: Why do you mistreat, hurt and deny people and then need to control the situation to the point of not even allowing a mistreated voice? Why do you feel the need to argue your point always having the last word and again dominating? Are you so wired for intense competition that you can never meet half way? Why do you keep Moebius from having a Christmas tree? She can believe in Christianity if she chooses. Why are you so disrespectful of your mother and talk down even arguing with daddy? Was Nancy Slate right? Should Moebius have been taken away from you?
Jan 24, 9:09am EST: I know what control, manipulation and abuse feels like and I am afraid it feels just like what you do to me and others. No one wants to be abused and mistreated and not be able to speak up for themselves, not in a country that has freedom of speech!
Jan 24, 9:19am EST: You want to bully me and throw sand in my face you just don't want me to get upset about it!
Me.
Jan 24, 11:50am EST: I love you