Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

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Dear All:

Here's a topic which I have no personal experience of, but have in the past been associated with friends who have had deeply moving and life-changing experiences.

It's about when something goes badly wrong in a family, there's a [sometimes very long] period of disconnection, and then everything is healed again.

This experience recently happened to a friend of mine, and the love and healing that was released by a sincere, humble explanation of what had gone awry, accompanied by a heartfelt apology that was gratefully received, has transformed several generations of an entire family -- including elderly parents in the twilight of their long lives who had never, ever thought they would see the day.

An experience of my own (indirectly) was quite a while back, when I was leading and running personal development courses. I was talking with the group -- about a dozen young men and women -- about how many decisions are simple ones. Some things are easy to do.. and easy not to.

For example (I said): "When you're hungry, it's easy to go to the kitchen to find a cookie or a candy bar. It's also easy to find a piece of cheese or an apple."

You see, decisions that can ending up molding our lives are often a choice between two things that are easy.

I then gave the example of picking up the phone. "It's easy to think of a friend, look at the phone, and do nothing. It's also easy to pick it up, and dial 10 numbers on the keypad. Like this."

Then I mimed doing just that with my cellphone. It took maybe 15 seconds, and almost no effort.

A couple of minutes after that, with the conversation continuing, one of the group members, a young man in his mid-20s, quietly excused himself and got up to leave the room. I assumed that he'd gone to the bathroom.

But 10 minutes later, he had not returned. The group's conversation was still interesting and valuable, so I overlooked his absence.

20 minutes passed. Then 30.

After 35 minutes, he returned, looking a little spaced out. Several of the others enquired how he was, wondering if he'd been feeling ill.

He looked around, and took a deep breath.

"I've just phoned my father," he said. "I've not spoken to him for 13 years." And then he began to weep.

That set us all off. It was life-changing for him. And all because he made the choice between two things that were easy.

:)

My daughters partner had not spoken to his father or brothers since his parents divorced 15yrs ago. my daughter phoned all his family and invited them to join in on their sons 30th birthday last may. Mother with husband, father with wife and brothers with family all arrived in the west highlands.
Thanks to my daughter the family are reunited.

As Joe Cocker sings. It's time for the healing to begin

peace

delete post

But the problem is family members can die before before healing occurs. For example, my father died in the 1980s and my mother in the 2000s & no healing occurred. But now they've ascended, I hope past "grudges" no longer are a big part of their existance.

My father ,who I respect and still love, have had a falling out over my grandson and his great grandson. My grandson is bi-racial and to me it makes no difference in anyone's color. My grandson is a wonderful child full of fun and energy galore yet my father still clings to his 1960's past that has put a wedge between us. I will not put up with racism in any form yet, I stll respect and love my father . I have tried to "reach" my father but it won't work. So the best way for me is to stay away from my him. My grandson just like us all are members of the HUMAN race. Yet,I still need to make peace somehow with my father for he is getting up in years. I really don't know what to do.:confused:

i know that what you said is true bill.

but sometimes... and as a metaphor

rather than trying to fix something that is broken, or never worked in the first place....
it .... sometimes.... is easier to throw a 6 and start again.

Quote:

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Posted by Mulder

But the problem is family members can die before before healing occurs. For example, my father died in the 1980s and my mother in the 2000s & no healing occurred. But now they've ascended, I hope past "grudges" no longer are a big part of their existance.

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Two points -- not intending to be contradictory!

1) Do try to heal the relationship before the other person dies. Even if you don't do it for yourself, do it for them.

The only exception, I'd suggest, if this would genuinely injure yourself (E.g. if the other person is seriously toxic. Sometimes, of course, this is the case.)

2) If you miss that boat (and there are many circumstances that can cause that to happen) -- it's not too late.

There's a wide range of techniques for healing relationships with people who are no longer here -- even extending into distant, past lives from which the incidents still echo and resonate here and now. (This is part of what is sometimes known as karma, although I dislike and rarely use the term.)

Quote:

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Posted by pilotsimone

Healing the pain stemming from my family of origin caused a profound shift in me.

This thread is super timely because the bulk of this just happened to me in July.

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Pilotsimone... Wow.

We hold on to silly things that mean nothing in the end, like they picked on me or I wasnt as loved as my brother and sister
or why should I call they can call me (ego)...
Bill you are so right, dont wait until it is too late. This life is short and those little things really dont mean that much.
LOVE YOUR FAMILY for the good things ...LOVE YOUR FAMILY MORE for the bad.
GOD BLESS YA SOCKS.

I have not spoke to my father for over two years now, and the rest of the family well, that is a long story. I have taken note of this thread and I will ponder and reflect on what it is saying. I think personally too much water has gone under the bridge, but as they say its never too late.

I wished i got too know my father.
He left when i was only a baby, and never tried to contact me.
My mother wont speak of him, and i have no clues.

My grandfather, he was my father figure, a strong man who taught me the importance of love and always smiled.

I guess what im saying is i couldnot agree with bill more, we should cherise the ones we love.

Got the tears going slightly from that story Bill. Thanks for sharing that.

Its never to late to forgive, Its never to late to say your sorry, Its never to late to let it go, Its never to late to say I love You, and just when you thought it was too late, you find Its never to late.

As i was growing up in my teenage rebelious years me and my Dad were constantly butting heads. We didnt get along with each other during those adolescent stages. When i turned 18 my Dad was dying in the hospital from cancer, but before he died i had the chance to finally tell him I Love You, he responded I Love You too son. He passed on the next day.

Its never too late.

My father wasn’t a nice man, but in his later years, I saw how broken he was from arthritic pain and heart disease. In that instant, my heart opened and words just poured out. We were raised...his words, "Children are seen and not heard. Speak when spoken to." His favorite phrase to his five daughters of eight kids was, "Act like a woman think like a man." Here, let me say it for you..."Nuts, with a capital N."

I told my Dad that when I look at my life in a linear time line, much more good happened than bad. I am who I am in part because of all that he taught. That in many respects, he was ahead of his time in teaching things that only sons were privy, to. I pointed out the time spent cooking, and baking together, and how to be graceful in stature.

I told him that I loved him and forgave him. He choked a couple of times before his explanation came out. In a small voice he said, “Thank you. I was possessed back then.”

For a nano-second, I thought that was lame, but I realized that for him to admit anything counter to pride and strength was big medicine. It was just what I needed to move forward for myself. Our life contract was completed on that day.

A few years later, I was fortunate to be by his bedside when he crossed over. I saw with different eyes. Just before his passing, I understood that he was a warrior that signed up for a hard ride. My Dad honored his contract. He looked peaceful and innocent. A Beautiful Soul. The pain and wrinkles washed from his face in his last breaths. It was who he really was without the mask of this life. That was also the moment, I understood there’s no reason to fear death.

I haven't written about this yet, but I did a between lives regression this last spring, and who but showed up entirely unexpectedly (in the healing room), my violent, (electroshocked in the Naval Air force during WWII), and suicided father.

He was nothing like he was on earth. For heaven's sake, he was wearing a white shirt, and black slacks. And bare feet. He was polite. He knocked first, and ASKED if he could come into the healing room. And he let me drive the conversation.

Sierra

Good idea for a thread Bill, this is the kind of hard life lesson that won't be learned in school, save maybe for a hint or two of it on the playground at recess.http://nexus.2012info.ca/forum/image...ions/smile.gif

Here's an uncomfortable question for an uncomfortable subject matter. I don't know about anyone else, but over time I get to feeling about some forum members like they are family, to varying degrees, and the forum being a sort of weird home away from home. That being said, does this common sense recipe for patching things up with family, also apply when close members on a tight knit forum have them a good public go at it, and become estranged?

I didn't speak much to my mom the last couple of years before she died, and looking back it was over really petty and stupid s**t, on both sides. But just as fate would have it, I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, just hours before she died unexpectadly. I'm still very thankful that was our last interaction on this plane.

Cheers,
Fred

Yes that true Fred, I'm reluctant to say too much about family matters. But from my experience I just hope my family isn't the norm, but then what is normal? I could right a book about my family and experiences. But the past is the past..I hope.

I have no clear memory of how many times I´ve tried to reconnect to my parents. Long periods of no contact followed by attempts (from my part) to re-unite. The healing, soothing warmth of being accepted or communing with them never materialized. Every time we just fell back into the old, destructive roles. After a lifetime of frustrated longing and reaching out, I´ve finally
given up. And feel in a sense relieved by that.

My mother once told me that she got pregnant with me, because that day she didn´t care to use contraception. Wonderful to know that you´re a result of your mothers sloth, and not because she dearly wanted a child.(Irony). And through my childhood she never missed an opportunity to let me know what a burden I was on her, and that I had to compensate for this crime of being born. Furthermore the maternal affection and tender loving care that she was unable to give me, she on the other hand demanded from me.Her needs were the only needs that really counted. So from appr. 2 years old she engaged me in giving her massages, and from 4-5 years of age she used me as her personal advisor and confidant letting me in on all her marital problems. From the same age she started to introduce me to alcohol.
My father had just as little to give, and hit me hard every time I as a toddler went near him.

I´m sorry to say that the words "mother" and "father" mean very little to me. Very little positive that is. It has taken me a long time to reconcile myself with the fact that I´m better off
without these people.

Terrible to say, but I feel nothing for them, or people in general. I´ve tried, but every time I´ve opened myself to others, I end up getting used and abused.

On the other hand I love nature and animals deeply.

I´ve heard this story about "the wounded healer" many times. Lastly from the psychic Carol Clarke who predicted a rather amazing future for me in this respect starting from the end of 2012.
Hmm...I very much want it to be true, but find it rather inconceivable that I´ll get from zero to 100 in a few months time. Things being like they are now...but one can always hope for a miracle...

At least it´s always something to hear how well things are going for other people socially. Even though it´s a bit like enjoying the stories of what gorgeous dinners others are having, while you yourself are starving to death.

I guess this ended up sounding way too bitter. Sorry about spoiling "the warm fuzzies" of this thread:). I´m not actually bitter, just empty. And clueless...

I been with out talk with my dad for 2 years, some times i send an email. He is dificult, not only with me, also with my mom and sister, my mom and dad live in diferent houses. I guess time will help to put things in order, my hand will be open allways no matter what he does, but is his decision right now. I think he is shame of what he did, and now he needs time to come back home. In my opinon is a question of the EGO, by the moment his ego and his shame is more powerfull than his love, he is lost and do not want to recive help from us. But any way the time will help, in this life or in the next one. I desire to him the best and my heart is full of love, what he did is not important, I not judge, i just give my hand of love to him, but I guess he needs more time to fight with his ego and shame.

I still have flashbacks about what happened. It takes time and you have to face the experiences you when through, but for some these events are too much and when nothing can do done until they are ready. I am surprised I have recovered, but it did take 15 years though.

some synchronicity w/the timing of this thread of Bill's & my own life

for reasons i do not wish to publickly share, i have been estranged from my bio family for close to 15 yrs -- the only one i have any contact with is a brother, who called me after his son died from a heroin overdose -- my own son had died some yrs earlier

just recently we have been talking via phone a lot, & really connecting -- like, i learned that he has been able to read others' minds all his life -- apparently we share the Draco bloodline DNA

i felt very sad after our first good talk, thinking, 'We could have been good friends if our family had not been so insane' [4 tested 'genius' kids by IQ standards, w/ no parental guidance, to put it mildly]

but -- better late than never

& Bill -- i don't know if you started this thread from intuition or what -- i don't like to be grim, but what i felt/am feeling w/this gift of honest & real communication w/my brother -- i see mass deaths coming [i try not to] -- & i think that those of us who have tried our best to live by & for Love are being guided to make our peace w/all we can before the timelines diverge

i'll bet there are other Avalonians who grok this

wyn

Mods/Admins -- pls consolidate my posts if you wish

Hi Fred -- a bit off topic but hope OK w/Bill -- when i was thinking about getting over my sulks & rejoining Avalon -- cruising the forum as a guest -- when i saw your photo, i felt/thought --'Well, here's another who feels like family ' --

wyn

Quote:

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Posted by Fred Steeves

Good idea for a thread Bill, this is the kind of hard life lesson that won't be learned in school, save maybe for a hint or two of it on the playground at recess.http://nexus.2012info.ca/forum/image...ions/smile.gif

Here's an uncomfortable question for an uncomfortable subject matter. I don't know about anyone else, but over time I get to feeling about some forum members like they are family, to varying degrees, and the forum being a sort of weird home away from home. That being said, does this common sense recipe for patching things up with family, also apply when close members on a tight knit forum have them a good public go at it, and become estranged?

I didn't speak much to my mom the last couple of years before she died, and looking back it was over really petty and stupid s**t, on both sides. But just as fate would have it, I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, just hours before she died unexpectadly. I'm still very thankful that was our last interaction on this plane.

Cheers,
Fred

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