20 Basic Tactics Used By Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths To manipulate And Silence A Prey

The numerous tactics that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths use to manipulate and silence you

Shahida Arabi Thought Catalogue
Thu, 30 Jun 2016 00:00 UTC

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Toxic people such as malignant narcissists, psychopaths and those with antisocial traits engage in maladaptive behaviors in relationships that ultimately exploit, demean and hurt their intimate partners, family members and friends. They use a plethora of diversionary tactics that distort the reality of their victims and deflect responsibility. Although those who are not narcissistic can employ these tactics as well, abusive narcissists use these to an excessive extent in an effort to escape accountability for their actions.

Here are the 20 diversionary tactics toxic people use to silence and degrade you.


1. Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that can be described in different variations of three words: "That didn't happen," "You imagined it," and "Are you crazy?" Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulative tactics out there because it works to distort and erode your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself and inevitably disables you from feeling justified in calling out abuse and mistreatment.

When a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath gaslights you, you may be prone to gaslighting yourself as a way to reconcile the cognitive dissonance that might arise. Two conflicting beliefs battle it out: is this person right or can I trust what I experienced? A manipulative person will convince you that the former is an inevitable truth while the latter is a sign of dysfunction on your end.

In order to resist gaslighting, it's important to ground yourself in your own reality - sometimes writing things down as they happened, telling a friend or reiterating your experience to a support network can help to counteract the gaslighting effect. The power of having a validating community is that it can redirect you from the distorted reality of a malignant person and back to your own inner guidance.


2. Projection.

One sure sign of toxicity is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his or her own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid being held accountable for them. This is known as projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of one's negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability.

While we all engage in projection to some extent, according to Narcissistic Personality clinical expert Dr. Martinez-Lewi, the projections of a narcissist are often psychologically abusive. Rather than acknowledge their own flaws, imperfections and wrongdoings, malignant narcissists and sociopaths opt to dump their own traits on their unsuspecting suspects in a way that is painful and excessively cruel. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, they would prefer that their victims take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed of themselves. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another.

For example, a person who engages in pathological lying may accuse their partner of fibbing; a needy spouse may call their husband "clingy" in an attempt to depict them as the one who is dependent; a rude employee may call their boss ineffective in an effort to escape the truth about their own productivity.

Narcissistic abusers love to play the "blameshifting game." Objectives of the game: they win, you lose, and you or the world at large is blamed for everything that's wrong with them. This way, you get to babysit their fragile ego while you're thrust into a sea of self-doubt. Fun, right?

Solution? Don't "project" your own sense of compassion or empathy onto a toxic person and don't own any of the toxic person's projections either. As manipulation expert and author Dr. George Simon (2010) notes in his book In Sheep's Clothing, projecting our own conscience and value system onto others has the potential consequence of being met with further exploitation.

Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum usually have no interest in self-insight or change. It's important to cut ties and end interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so you can get centered in your own reality and validate your own identity. You don't have to live in someone else's cesspool of dysfunction.


3. Nonsensical conversations from hell.

If you think you're going to have a thoughtful discussion with someone who is toxic, be prepared for epic mind****ery rather than conversational mindfulness.

Malignant narcissists and sociopaths use word salad, circular conversations, ad hominem arguments, projection and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track should you ever disagree with them or challenge them in any way. They do this in order to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for being a human being with actual thoughts and feelings that might differ from their own. In their eyes, you are the problem if you happen to exist.

Spend even ten minutes arguing with a toxic narcissist and you'll find yourself wondering how the argument even began at all. You simply disagreed with them about their absurd claim that the sky is red and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle choices have come under attack. That is because your disagreement picked at their false belief that they are omnipotent and omniscient, resulting in a narcissistic injury.

Remember: toxic people don't argue with you, they essentially argue with themselves and you become privy to their long, draining monologues. They thrive off the drama and they live for it. Each and every time you attempt to provide a point that counters their ridiculous assertions, you feed them supply. Don't feed the narcissists supply - rather, supply yourself with the confirmation that their abusive behavior is the problem, not you. Cut the interaction short as soon as you anticipate it escalating and use your energy on some self-care instead.


4. Blanket statements and generalizations.

Malignant narcissists aren't always intellectual masterminds - many of them are intellectually lazy. Rather than taking the time to carefully consider a different perspective, they generalize anything and everything you say, making blanket statements that don't acknowledge the nuances in your argument or take into account the multiple perspectives you've paid homage to. Better yet, why not put a label on you that dismisses your perspective altogether?

On a larger scale, generalizations and blanket statements invalidate experiences that don't fit in the unsupported assumptions, schemas and stereotypes of society; they are also used to maintain the status quo. This form of digression exaggerates one perspective to the point where a social justice issue can become completely obscured. For example, rape accusations against well-liked figures are often met with the reminder that there are false reports of rape that occur. While those do occur, they are rare, and in this case, the actions of one become labeled the behavior of the majority while the specific report itself remains unaddressed.

These everyday microaggressions also happen in toxic relationships. If you bring up to a narcissistic abuser that their behavior is unacceptable for example, they will often make blanket generalizations about your hypersensitivity or make a generalization such as, "You are never satisfied," or "You're always too sensitive" rather than addressing the real issues at hand. It's possible that you are oversensitive at times, but it is also possible that the abuser is also insensitive and cruel the majority of the time.

Hold onto your truth and resist generalizing statements by realizing that they are in fact forms of black and white illogical thinking. Toxic people wielding blanket statements do not represent the full richness of experience - they represent the limited one of their singular experience and overinflated sense of self.


5. Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity.

In the hands of a malignant narcissist or sociopath, your differing opinions, legitimate emotions and lived experiences get translated into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.

Narcissists weave tall tales to reframe what you're actually saying as a way to make your opinions look absurd or heinous. Let's say you bring up the fact that you're unhappy with the way a toxic friend is speaking to you. In response, he or she may put words in your mouth, saying, "Oh, so now you're perfect?" or "So I am a bad person, huh?" when you've done nothing but express your feelings. This enables them to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you attempt to establish boundaries.

This is also a popular form of diversion and cognitive distortion that is known as "mind reading." Toxic people often presume they know what you're thinking and feeling. They chronically jump to conclusions based on their own triggers rather than stepping back to evaluate the situation mindfully. They act accordingly based on their own delusions and fallacies and make no apologies for the harm they cause as a result. Notorious for putting words in your mouth, they depict you as having an intention or outlandish viewpoint you didn't possess. They accuse you of thinking of them as toxic - even before you've gotten the chance to call them out on their behavior - and this also serves as a form of preemptive defense.

Simply stating, "I never said that," and walking away should the person continue to accuse you of doing or saying something you didn't can help to set a firm boundary in this type of interaction. So long as the toxic person can blameshift and digress from their own behavior, they have succeeded in convincing you that you should be "shamed" for giving them any sort of realistic feedback.


6. Nitpicking and moving the goal posts.

The difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism is the presence of a personal attack and impossible standards. These so-called "critics" often don't want to help you improve, they just want to nitpick, pull you down and scapegoat you in any way they can. Abusive narcissists and sociopaths employ a logical fallacy known as "moving the goalposts" in order to ensure that they have every reason to be perpetually dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you've provided all the evidence in the world to validate your argument or taken an action to meet their request, they set up another expectation of you or demand more proof.

Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will then start to pick on why you aren't a multi-millionaire yet. Did you already fulfill their need to be excessively catered to? Now it's time to prove that you can also remain "independent." The goal posts will perpetually change and may not even be related to each other; they don't have any other point besides making you vie for the narcissist's approval and validation.

By raising the expectations higher and higher each time or switching them completely, highly manipulative and toxic people are able to instill in you a pervasive sense of unworthiness and of never feeling quite "enough." By pointing out one irrelevant fact or one thing you did wrong and developing a hyperfocus on it, narcissists get to divert from your strengths and pull you into obsessing over any flaws or weaknesses instead. They get you thinking about the next expectation of theirs you're going to have to meet - until eventually you've bent over backwards trying to fulfill their every need - only to realize it didn't change the horrific way they treated you.

Don't get sucked into nitpicking and changing goal posts - if someone chooses to rehash an irrelevant point over and over again to the point where they aren't acknowledging the work you've done to validate your point or satisfy them, their motive isn't to better understand. It's to further provoke you into feeling as if you have to constantly prove yourself. Validate and approve of yourself. Know that you are enough and you don't have to be made to feel constantly deficient or unworthy in some way.


7. Changing the subject to evade accountability.

This type of tactic is what I like to call the "What about me?" syndrome. It is a literal digression from the actual topic that works to redirect attention to a different issue altogether. Narcissists don't want you to be on the topic of holding them accountable for anything, so they will reroute discussions to benefit them. Complaining about their neglectful parenting? They'll point out a mistake you committed seven years ago. This type of diversion has no limits in terms of time or subject content, and often begins with a sentence like "What about the time when..."

On a macrolevel, these diversions work to derail discussions that challenge the status quo. A discussion about gay rights, for example, may be derailed quickly by someone who brings in another social justice issue just to distract people from the main argument.

As Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, notes, specificity is needed in order to resolve and address issues appropriately - that doesn't mean that the issues that are being brought up don't matter, it just means that the specific time and place may not be the best context to discuss them.

Don't be derailed - if someone pulls a switcheroo on you, you can exercise what I call the "broken record" method and continue stating the facts without giving in to their distractions. Redirect their redirection by saying, "That's not what I am talking about. Let's stay focused on the real issue." If they're not interested, disengage and spend your energy on something more constructive - like not having a debate with someone who has the mental age of a toddler.


8. Covert and overt threats.

Narcissistic abusers and otherwise toxic people feel very threatened when their excessive sense of entitlement, false sense of superiority and grandiose sense of self are challenged in any way. They are prone to making unreasonable demands on others - while punishing you for not living up to their impossible to reach expectations.

Rather than tackle disagreements or compromises maturely, they set out to divert you from your right to have your own identity and perspective by attempting to instill fear in you about the consequences of disagreeing or complying with their demands. To them, any challenge results in an ultimatum and "do this or I'll do that" becomes their daily mantra.

If someone's reaction to you setting boundaries or having a differing opinion from your own is to threaten you into submission, whether it's a thinly veiled threat or an overt admission of what they plan to do, this is a red flag of someone who has a high degree of entitlement and has no plans of compromising. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist you mean business; document threats and report them whenever possible and legally feasible.


9. Name-calling.

Narcissists preemptively blow anything they perceive as a threat to their superiority out of proportion. In their world, only they can ever be right and anyone who dares to say otherwise creates a narcissistic injury that results in narcissistic rage. As Mark Goulston, M.D. asserts, narcissistic rage does not result from low self-esteem but rather a high sense of entitlement and false sense of superiority.

The lowest of the low resort to narcissistic rage in the form of name-calling when they can't think of a better way to manipulate your opinion or micromanage your emotions. Name-calling is a quick and easy way to put you down, degrade you and insult your intelligence, appearance or behavior while invalidating your right to be a separate person with a right to his or her perspective.

Name-calling can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions and insights. A well-researched perspective or informed opinion suddenly becomes "silly" or "idiotic" in the hands of a malignant narcissist or sociopath who feels threatened by it and cannot make a respectful, convincing rebuttal. Rather than target your argument, they target you as a person and seek to undermine your credibility and intelligence in any way they possibly can. It's important to end any interaction that consists of name-calling and communicate that you won't tolerate it. Don't internalize it: realize that they are resorting to name-calling because they are deficient in higher level methods.


10. Destructive conditioning.

Toxic people condition you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, frustration and disrespect. They do this by sneaking in covert and overt put-downs about the qualities and traits they once idealized as well as sabotaging your goals, ruining celebrations, vacations and holidays. They may even isolate you from your friends and family and make you financially dependent upon them. Like Pavlov's dogs, you're essentially "trained" over time to become afraid of doing the very things that once made your life fulfilling.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and otherwise toxic people do this because they wish to divert attention back to themselves and how you're going to please them. If there is anything outside of them that may threaten their control over your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be the center of attention at all times. In the idealization phase, you were once the center of a narcissist's world - now the narcissist becomes the center of yours.

Narcissists are also naturally pathologically envious and don't want anything to come in between them and their influence over you. Your happiness represents everything they feel they cannot have in their emotionally shallow lives. After all, if you learn that you can get validation, respect and love from other sources besides the toxic person, what's to keep you from leaving them? To toxic people, a little conditioning can go a long way to keep you walking on eggshells and falling just short of your big dreams.


11. Smear campaigns and stalking.

When toxic types can't control the way you see yourself, they start to control how others see you; they play the martyr while you're labeled the toxic one. A smear campaign is a preemptive strike to sabotage your reputation and slander your name so that you won't have a support network to fall back on lest you decide to detach and cut ties with this toxic person. They may even stalk and harass you or the people you know as a way to supposedly "expose" the truth about you; this exposure acts as a way to hide their own abusive behavior while projecting it onto you.

Some smear campaigns can even work to pit two people or two groups against each other. A victim in an abusive relationship with a narcissist often doesn't know what's being said about them during the relationship, but they eventually find out the falsehoods shortly after they've been discarded.

Toxic people will gossip behind your back (and in front of your face), slander you to your loved ones or their loved ones, create stories that depict you as the aggressor while they play the victim, and claim that you engaged in the same behaviors that they are afraid you will accuse them of engaging in. They will also methodically, covertly and deliberately abuse you so they can use your reactions as a way to prove that they are the so-called "victims" of your abuse.

The best way to handle a smear campaign is to stay mindful of your reactions and stick to the facts. This is especially pertinent for high-conflict divorces with narcissists who may use your reactions to their provocations against you. Document any form of harassment, cyberbullying or stalking incidents and always speak to your narcissist through a lawyer whenever possible. You may wish to take legal action if you feel the stalking and harassment is getting out of control; finding a lawyer who is well-versed in Narcissistic Personality Disorder is crucial if that's the case. Your character and integrity will speak for itself when the narcissist's false mask begins to slip.


12. Love-bombing and devaluation.

Toxic people put you through an idealization phase until you're sufficiently hooked and invested in beginning a friendship or relationship with you. Then, they begin to devalue you while insulting the very things they admired in the first place. Another variation of this is when a toxic individual puts you on a pedestal while aggressively devaluing and attacking someone else who threatens their sense of superiority.

Narcissistic abusers do this all the time - they devalue their exes to their new partners, and eventually the new partner starts to receive the same sort of mistreatment as the narcissist's ex-partner. Ultimately what will happen is that you will also be on the receiving end of the same abuse. You will one day be the ex-partner they degrade to their new source of supply. You just don't know it yet. That's why it's important to stay mindful of the love-bombing technique whenever you witness behavior that doesn't align with the saccharine sweetness a narcissist subjects you to.

As life coach Wendy Powell suggests, slowing things down with people you suspect may be toxic is an important way of combating the love-bombing technique. Be wary of the fact that how a person treats or speaks about someone else could potentially translate into the way they will treat you in the future.


13. Preemptive defense.

When someone stresses the fact that they are a "nice guy" or girl, that you should "trust them" right away or emphasizes their credibility without any provocation from you whatsoever, be wary.

Toxic and abusive people overstate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should "trust" them without first building a solid foundation of trust. They may "perform" a high level of sympathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship to dupe you, only to unveil their false mask later on. When you see their false mask begins to slip periodically during the devaluation phase of the abuse cycle, the true self is revealed to be terrifyingly cold, callous and contemptuous.

Genuinely nice people rarely have to persistently show off their positive qualities - they exude their warmth more than they talk about it and they know that actions speak volumes more than mere words. They know that trust and respect is a two-way street that requires reciprocity, not repetition.

To counter a preemptive defense, reevaluate why a person may be emphasizing their good qualities. Is it because they think you don't trust them, or because they know you shouldn't? Trust actions more than empty words and see how someone's actions communicate who they are, not who they say they are.


14. Triangulation.

Bringing in the opinion, perspective or suggested threat of another person into the dynamic of an interaction is known as "triangulation." Often used to validate the toxic person's abuse while invalidating the victim's reactions to abuse, triangulation can also work to manufacture love triangles that leave you feeling unhinged and insecure.

Malignant narcissists love to triangulate their significant other with strangers, co-workers, ex-partners, friends and even family members in order to evoke jealousy and uncertainty in you. They also use the opinions of others to validate their point of view.

This is a diversionary tactic meant to pull your attention away from their abusive behavior and into a false image of them as a desirable, sought after person. It also leaves you questioning yourself - if Mary did agree with Tom, doesn't that mean that you must be wrong? The truth is, narcissists love to "report back" falsehoods about others say about you, when in fact, they are the ones smearing you.

To resist triangulation tactics, realize that whoever the narcissist is triangulating with is also being triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist as well. Everyone is essentially being played by this one person. Reverse "triangulate" the narcissist by gaining support from a third party that is not under the narcissist's influence - and also by seeking your own validation.


15. Bait and feign innocence.

Toxic individuals lure you into a false sense of security simply to have a platform to showcase their cruelty. Baiting you into a mindless, chaotic argument can escalate into a showdown rather quickly with someone who doesn't know the meaning of respect. A simple disagreement may bait you into responding politely initially, until it becomes clear that the person has a malicious motive of tearing you down.

By "baiting" you with a seemingly innocuous comment disguised as a rational one, they can then begin to play with you. Remember: narcissistic abusers have learned about your insecurities, the unsettling catchphrases that interrupt your confidence, and the disturbing topics that reenact your wounds - and they use this knowledge maliciously to provoke you. After you've fallen for it, hook line and sinker, they'll stand back and innocently ask whether you're "okay" and talk about how they didn't "mean" to agitate you. This faux innocence works to catch you off guard and make you believe that they truly didn't intend to hurt you, until it happens so often you can't deny the reality of their malice any longer.

It helps to realize when you're being baited so you can avoid engaging altogether. Provocative statements, name-calling, hurtful accusations or unsupported generalizations, for example, are common baiting tactics. Your gut instinct can also tell you when you're being baited - if you feel "off" about a certain comment and continue to feel this way even after it has been expanded on, that's a sign you may need to take some space to reevaluate the situation before choosing to respond.


16. Boundary testing and hoovering.

Narcissists, sociopaths and otherwise toxic people continually try and test your boundaries to see which ones they can trespass. The more violations they're able to commit without consequences, the more they'll push the envelope. That's why survivors of emotional as well as physical abuse often experience even more severe incidents of abuse each and every time they go back to their abusers.

Abusers tend to "hoover" their victims back in with sweet promises, fake remorse and empty words of how they are going to change, only to abuse their victims even more horrifically. In the abuser's sick mind, this boundary testing serves as a punishment for standing up to the abuse and also for going back to it. When narcissists try to press the emotional reset button, reinforce your boundaries even more strongly rather than backtracking on them.

Remember - highly manipulative people don't respond to empathy or compassion. They respond to consequences.


17. Aggressive jabs disguised as jokes.

Covert narcissists enjoy making malicious remarks at your expense. These are usually dressed up as "just jokes" so that they can get away with saying appalling things while still maintaining an innocent, cool demeanor. Yet any time you are outraged at an insensitive, harsh remark, you are accused of having no sense of humor. This is a tactic frequently used in verbal abuse.

The contemptuous smirk and sadistic gleam in their eyes gives it away, however - like a predator that plays with its food, a toxic person gains pleasure from hurting you and being able to get away with it. After all, it's just a joke, right? Wrong. It's a way to gaslight you into thinking their abuse is a joke - a way to divert from their cruelty and onto your perceived sensitivity. It is important that when this happens, you stand up for yourself and make it clear that you won't tolerate this type of behavior.

Calling out manipulative people on their covert put-downs may result in further gaslighting from the abuser but maintain your stance that their behavior is not okay and end the interaction immediately if you have to.


18. Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone.

Belittling and degrading a person is a toxic person's forte and their tone of voice is only one tool in their toolbox. Sarcasm can be a fun mode of communication when both parties are engaged, but narcissists use it chronically as a way to manipulate you and degrade you. If you in any way react to it, you must be "too sensitive."

Forget that the toxic person constantly has temper tantrums every time their big bad ego is faced with realistic feedback - the victim is the hypersensitive one, apparently. So long as you're treated like a child and constantly challenged for expressing yourself, you'll start to develop a sense of hypervigilance about voicing your thoughts and opinions without reprimand. This self-censorship enables the abuser to put in less work in silencing you, because you begin to silence yourself.

Whenever you are met with a condescending demeanor or tone, call it out firmly and assertively. You don't deserve to be spoken down to like a child - nor should you ever silence yourself to meet the expectation of someone else's superiority complex.


19. Shaming.

"You should be ashamed of yourself" is a favorite saying of toxic people. Though it can be used by someone who is non-toxic, in the realm of the narcissist or sociopath, shaming is an effective method that targets any behavior or belief that might challenge a toxic person's power. It can also be used to destroy and whittle away at a victim's self-esteem: if a victim dares to be proud of something, shaming the victim for that specific trait, quality or accomplishment can serve to diminish their sense of self and stifle any pride they may have.

Malignant narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths enjoy using your own wounds against you - so they will even shame you about any abuse or injustice you've suffered in your lifetime as a way to retraumatize you. Were you a childhood abuse survivor? A malignant narcissist or sociopath will claim that you must've done something to deserve it, or brag about their own happy childhood as a way to make you feel deficient and unworthy. What better way to injure you, after all, than to pick at the original wound? As surgeons of madness, they seek to exacerbate wounds, not help heal them.

If you suspect you're dealing with a toxic person, avoid revealing any of your vulnerabilities or past traumas. Until they've proven their character to you, there is no point disclosing information that could be potentially used against you.


20. Control.

Most importantly, toxic abusers love to maintain control in whatever way they can. They isolate you, maintain control over your finances and social networks, and micromanage every facet of your life. Yet the most powerful mechanism they have for control is toying with your emotions.

That's why abusive narcissists and sociopaths manufacture situations of conflict out of thin air to keep you feeling off center and off balanced. That's why they chronically engage in disagreements about irrelevant things and rage over perceived slights. That's why they emotionally withdraw, only to re-idealize you once they start to lose control. That's why they vacillate between their false self and their true self, so you never get a sense of psychological safety or certainty about who your partner truly is.

The more power they have over your emotions, the less likely you'll trust your own reality and the truth about the abuse you're enduring. Knowing the manipulative tactics and how they work to erode your sense of self can arm you with the knowledge of what you're facing and at the very least, develop a plan to regain control over your own life and away from toxic people.

Shahida Arabi is the author of the book POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse, available here.

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Now, compare the above with the "News" the world is being fed with via MSM...never mind the local trolls.

Where did you get such an exact description of my "Wife" ??!! :shocked:

This article can be reverse engineered to say virtually everyone has used one or more of these tactics at some point in their lives. Consequently (from reverse engineering), most people have been or are currently are a Narcissist, Sociopath or Psychopath for at least a moment, hour, day, week etc. at some point in their lives.

Good to know, good to know. :bigsmile:

What does they say about me personally? Who me? I have this burden of carrying a halo over my head, somebody has to play the role of the 'exception to the rule', right? ;)

While it may be true that every one of us may use one or more of these dysfunctional traits at one time or another, there is a big difference between doing that occasionally and a person who makes a living out of it which is what about 1 out of every 5 of our corporate and government leaders do.

In addition to people who are inherently sociopathic in nature, we have a pharmaceutical industry that produces over 600 medications with an active ingredient that reduces empathy, thus inadvertently swelling the ranks of sociopaths/psychopaths.

The accepted ratio of sociopaths/psychopaths (almost identical) to the rest of the population at large is 1 in 20, but given that we also know sociopaths/psychopaths gravitate to centers of control and power, it means that at the higher levels the ratio may shrink to 1 in 5. At the very top of the "food chain", say among the ranks of transnational CEOs, Ministers/Secretaries, military Generals and the elite, the ratio be may as high as 1 in 2. These people fall into the largely unrecognized category of successful psychopaths.

Given that one of the major overt traits of sociopaths/psychopaths is an on-going discrepancy between their words and action, you don't have to be a psychologist to speculate that the vast majority of today's leaders may actually be clinical sociopaths/psychopaths. This suspicion may very well be what is behind the feelings of distrust that have developed around the world towards our political leaders today although we have to also recognize that among the lower ranks this discrepancy is a forced behavior and not intrinsic to their personality.

Here are several obvious reasons why so many people fail to properly understand the real nature of our corporate, government and military leaders:

• The sociopathic profiling of society's leadership is a relatively unexplored area in psychology because much of the psychological literature available today focuses on the impact and dynamics of narcissistic and psychopathic behavior within relationships and not on the implications of allowing sociopaths to control society.
• It is clinically quite difficult to identify "successful sociopaths" since it requires extended observation.
• Intelligent sociopaths can easily disguise their real motivations and values by simulating charm and concern.

When examining this phenomenon in relation to the global elite and the "controllers" of the world, it's also unfortunate that many areas of activism that oppose the status quo rely on strategies and campaigns that pin their hopes on the perpetrators doing the right thing when the best course of action is to make the consequences of their position or actions clear. Of course, this is shifting as we all learn to improve our strategies but there are still many activists out there who fail to recognize this underlying psychology and are doomed to fail because of it. The anti-whaling movement is one example that comes to mind.

See also this thread: The Rise Of Psychopathy, Ponerization, Terrorism And Where This World "Order" is Headed

Thanks Herve, very interesting. The linked thread had some useful information too, particularly about the effect of using digital devices on the developing child's brain. It's alarming!

There is in fact more than 40 manipulative behaviors psychopaths and sociopaths may have. (All human being do manipulate at times but never as much and with such agility).

Most people have below 15 usual manipulative behaviors. Sociopaths/psychopaths will often have more than 20 and around 30.

They also willingly use generalisations, omissions, selection and other verbal/gramnatical tricks to put you off balance or manipulate you. Once you have learned these, you can notice psychopathy in people.

Add to this discrepancies between non verbal language and words and ther is no mistakes.

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Posted by Hervé

The numerous tactics that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths use to manipulate and silence you

Shahida Arabi Thought Catalogue
Thu, 30 Jun 2016 00:00 UTC

[Mod-edit: snipped to avoid a long scroll down, Hervé :)]

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Now, compare the above with the "News" the world is being fed with via MSM...never mind the local trolls.

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Discrepancy between word and action is probably the most important red flag. And we are all guilty of it on occasion but P's do it all of the time.

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Posted by AutumnW

Discrepancy between word and action is probably the most important red flag. And we are all guilty of it on occasion but P's do it all of the time.

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Very true!! My ex-gf was guilty of this. It drove us apart pretty quickly.

OMG, I was dating a Psychopath?? I used to tell her that she needed help, badly.

I felt bad for her, but I would not tolerate her actions and called her out each time she did it.

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Posted by joeecho

This article can be reverse engineered to say virtually everyone has used one or more of these tactics at some point in their lives. Consequently (from reverse engineering), most people have been or are currently are a Narcissist, Sociopath or Psychopath for at least a moment, hour, day, week etc. at some point in their lives.

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According to your definition, this absolutely could not be used to describe most people. A person would need to exhibit most of the listed behaviors over an extended period of time to be labeled a psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist.

I once made the mistake of falling in love with a psychopath. His mental abuse happened daily, the physical abuse wasn't as frequent. He is in prison now for child and spousal abuse, and my life has been peaceful since he was arrested. He stalked me for over twenty years.

It's so hard to judge a psychopath. I couldn't do it.

In the spirit of disclosure, I'd like to share something I came across I found to be enlightening. It's by Harry Bethel titled Psychopaths Are Not Human http://thechildrenofthecovenant.com/...are-not-human/

It is important to understand..... Harry was/is under a lot of stress. Try not to judge him too much. I ended up there because I was in a legal battle and he said psychopathy can be proven (or disproven?) with a properly done MRI. Is it getting snakey yet? Consider the possibilities (or atrocities) if we can detect this with a brain scan.

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Posted by MythKitty

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Posted by joeecho

This article can be reverse engineered to say virtually everyone has used one or more of these tactics at some point in their lives. Consequently (from reverse engineering), most people have been or are currently are a Narcissist, Sociopath or Psychopath for at least a moment, hour, day, week etc. at some point in their lives.

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According to your definition, this absolutely could not be used to describe most people. A person would need to exhibit most of the listed behaviors over an extended period of time to be labeled a psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist.

I once made the mistake of falling in love with a psychopath. His mental abuse happened daily, the physical abuse wasn't as frequent. He is in prison now for child and spousal abuse, and my life has been peaceful since he was arrested. He stalked me for over twenty years.

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Chiming in with an old post .... I agree with Joeecho in the sense that yest most people will do actions that those traits can be assigned to at certain points in their life. My experience is that Narcissists / psychopaths, are consistently fulfilling those traits 90% of the time, while a normal person might fulfill those 10% of the time. It is this consistency that those labels refer to -- not merely the fact that one has proceeded on something in one way or another.

My kid's mother for example will go out of her way to make my life difficult 95% of the time any opportunity presents itself to do so, even if it costs her something else. She will sacrifice self integrity, decency, humanity, logic and reason, and even her children's best interest just for the chance to hurt me -- consistently. Everyone can have lapses, and everyone has "bad days", and everyone can "lose it" -- anyone can make mistakes they regret and can learn from. A psychopath / narcissist "doesn't make mistakes" and thuse these actions are well rooted behaviours. A consistent action over time is a behavior. A mistake is an event that is learned from. A narcissist will never learn anything because they are already "perfect" in their demented minds.

I can shut off my emotions if that gains me any certain advantage in any situation or event - this does not make me psychopath. A psychopath can't turn appropriate emotions on (without a whole lot of therapy), even if they wanted to.


I would rather be physically abused (and I have somewhat), than take the never-ending, horrific, emotional, spiritual, and mental abuse I have endured over the years, any day. The worst that a psychopath / narcissist has to offer, is usually not physical.

I'm starting to believe that laws exist to protect the psychopath ... else we could handle it the old fashioned way and put them back in their places ...

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Posted by petra

[...]
... Consider the possibilities (or atrocities) if we can detect this with a brain scan.

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See this thread: Brainscans and prisoners: Outing the sociopaths and the domino effect

20 Signs You Are With A "Covert" Narcissist

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-WVLZXLyO-M

His channel has good information on narcissism, and mental health recovery.

Thanks, Merlinus, for posting Richard Grannon. I just discovered him recently and have found his videos to be really insightful and useful.

I am not sure at all that I like him, I think he is doing pop psychology - what he describes as covert narcissist who is/looks shy for example is rather passive-agressive personnality in the beginning, not necessarily narcissist.

I will be a bit more blunt, later on he does not describes covert narcissist at all, but plain full fledge narcissists. Why subdivising what they are? There is no difference between covert and classic narcissist (who brainwash themselves following Grannon), while covert know they are making stories. I do not believe this, not my experience, a narcissist will brainwash himself at the same time that he will feel off a bit consciously.

Got the feeling that Grannon may be a bit narcissist himself......, too much talk as if he truly knew, for what he actually knows.

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Posted by Merlinus

20 Signs You Are With A "Covert" Narcissist

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-WVLZXLyO-M

His channel has good information on narcissism, and mental health recovery.

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How is narcissim and psychopathy created and used by social media facebooking and tweeting (instagramming) addictions:

To start with, we have to define what narcissim is. But I will put in red, within the description, where facebooking and other social media are involved in creating and using narcissism/psychopathy

The 9 traits of narcissism as described by contemporary psychologie/psychiatry:

2 centuries ago, name egomania:

1. Grandiosity More likes means proving how great I am
2. Arrogant and domineering
3. Preoccupation with success and power Based on number of likes, tweets, who answered, etc
4. Lack of empathy Very common when on social media, since there is no real contact with the interlocutors - i have an example of a little 10 years old having disappeard and people writing on the facebook page for finding him all kinds of comments on the fact that the kid is black
5. Belief of being unique
6. Requiring excessive admiration Once again defined by the numbers of likes, posts, videos one makes, etc
7. Sense of entitlement Having the right to polute the social media stage with stupidities or with misinformation, fake videos, etc.
8. Exploitative Bullying and trolling to make sure one thread or some ideas do not see the light of day
9. Envious of others I see this often on facebook in many subtle ways

Arrogance, grandiosity and preoccupation with success for example are 3 caracteristics encountered in one personnality very prominent in one person would be enough to define him as narcissistic traits personnality. But not enough for full narcissim (this is light)

However, to be clinically diagnosed, you need to have 5 of these domineering your personality at the same time. Add the lack of empathy and you have another row on the ladder. This lack of empathy makes one selfish - they do not care if you are hurt, lack of true feeling such as guilt or remorse, facilitating getting what you want. Because you don't care..... if you have this traits.

Charming, friendly, agreable is often describing what people feel in first encountering a narcissist. However..., they will end up destroyed given time

85 questions to test, to which you can answer yes - be careful, you have to go through all 85 before diagnostic but here a few examples but if you answer yes, five times or more, it could mean that you have traits and a narcissistic personnality, it would be interesting to dig further. For example, to screen for narcissistic personnalities, answering yes to questions such as the following could help defining it:

Do people often fail to appreciate your personal talents? Have people told you you have to high opinion of yourself? Do you think that power, fame or recognition will be yours someday? When you have a problem, do you almost insist on seeing the top person? Is it very important to you that people pay attention to you or admire you in some ways? Do you feel that you deserve special treatment? Do you expect people to do what you want without questioning because of who you are? Do you often step on a few toes to get what you want? Would you say that you are not really interested in other people problems or feelings? Are you often envious of others? Do you find there are very few people that are worth your time or attention?

We can also use these 85 questions and apply them to someone to see if we are dealing with a narcissist.

Narcissist are addicted to a drug namely narcissistic supply. Narcissist are very utilitarian, pragmatic and flexible with X ray vision to diagnose weaknesses, vulnerabilities, predispositions, fears, hopes, emotional leads and to put it to use instantaneously, relentlessly and ruthlessly. Social media are an excellent place of narcissistic supply, to create narcissim and to use narcissistic supply since they are centered around the individual in his bubble

Narcissist often becomes bullies in the workplace, inflicting pain, mainly on those below them, while being nice to the higher ups, (people go into depression, want to comit suicide even if they never thought of it prior, etc). They are predators looking for weaker preys. They are trolls and bullies in the social media space as well

Not holding themselves responsible for the consequences of their actions, they will never regret what they do. They just change threads without regret or troll their way through.

The wet dream of narcissim is to be at the centrer where critical faculties are suspended, where instruments of gratification are ever present, where discipline is maintained, where criticism is reduced or unheard of, a group of unthing, unreflecting, totally obedient people. Cult leaders are amongst those, as well as on the social media space (think Kardashians, Rihanna, or even Oprah's followers).
Social media has created crowds of uncritical, unthinking, followers (obedient) with instant gratification to those successful on social media. Paired with the KING CHILDREN raising in todays society, which creates more narcissism, you have a mix for a very dysfunctional society

A narcissist cannot stand criticism, never criticise, disagree with a narcissist, never hint to the narcissist that he has made an error, that he is ignorant, incapable. We have here the prime example of a group of narcissists/psychopaths who have achieve higher positions of power and who cannot stand critical thinking, criticism, contrary opinions in the actual social media censorhip: only the narcissists CNN like and their unthinking followers are allowed.

Narcissists never admit their fault, never accept responsibilities, they are superior, the authority - we are not (side comment: doesn't it look like Clinton?)

Competent fully emotionally intelligent folks are challenging the narcissists (who think of himself superior, therefore better and more able) by their mere existence, their mere competence, they have nothing else to do. ([COLOR="red"]Hence the lashing on critics or competency shown by some social media experts

We know very well that most psychopaths are narcissistics. The higher on the scale of narcissim (more of the nine caracteristics), the more psychopath one becomes.

My diagnostic: social media creates or encourages narcissim on one hand (through constant narcissistic supply and possibilities of gaining power over others) and creates crowds of uncritical, unthinking followers, the perfect media for psychopaths and narcissists to succeed. It was surely created by narcissists and psychopats and is managed by the same.


source of the descriptions: the 5 last minutes are the most interesting imo - the world expert in narcissism has all the 9 traits. He describes very well how a narcissist or psychopath (when anger gets in) think.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=sG7rvOsE2ws

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Posted by Flash

The 5 last minutes are the most interesting imo - the world expert in narcissism has all the 9 traits. He describes very well how a narcissist or psychopath (when anger gets in) think.

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Cathartic, eye opening and timely reinforcement, Flash. It tied up a number of loose ends. http://avalonlibrary.net/paula/smilies/thumbs-2.gif

The 9 traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder begins @ 38:58.

“We are superior subspecies. We transcend humanity. We are Nietzsche (?) superman. We deserve the subservience and the availability of everyone around us. Luckily, every year 100 million people are born throughout the world. We have 100 million new choices every year.”

“I'm the authority. I’m the supreme authority, and far superior to you. I’m omnipotent.”

http://avalonlibrary.net/paula/image...e-bar-grey.jpg

Transcript:

There are nine traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder:

1. grandiosity
2. arrogance
3. preoccupation with success
4. lack of empathy
5. belief of being unique
6. sense of entitlement
7. requiring excessive admiration
8. exploiting others
9. being envious of others

Until now it seemed as though interviewing someone with all nine traits wasn't realistic. By definition it would make them an extremely dangerous individual. But after two days of interviewing the world’s leading expert on NPD, it soon became clear why Dr. Sam Vaknin (sp?) was such an authority on the subject.

The Self Aware Narcissist

“I've been diagnosed with the narcissists personality disorder and therefore I'm a narcissist. And all the traits that I’ve enumerated before, they exists abundantly within me, I'm afraid.”

We had finally found a level nine narcissist. Sam is unique. He not only has all nine traits but he's been aware of his condition for over 20 years.

Sam: “I'm a self-aware narcissist, which is a rarity. Most narcissism most self-aware. They have no introspection. They don’t have the ability just to step aside and look at themselves and realize that they are the source of their own misfortunes, defeats and troubles. But self-awareness is not like healing. It’s not the same as healing. If one is aware that one is a cocaine addict, that doesn't wean him off the drug.”

In a drastic attempt to cure himself, Sam has lived in a self-imposed exile in Eastern Europe.

Sam: “I was first diagnosed with the narcissistic personality disorder in 1984-5. My narcissism effected each and every field of my life. Cut. Let's start from beginning.”

Sam's authority on the subject is second to none. But filming a level nine narcissist was never going to be easy.

Sam: “I'm not able to sustain long-term relationship. I don't feel I have no emotions that I'm aware of. Just a second, these kids are… Shoot them? I don't know why people aren’t born adults. Absolutely, absolutely an unnecessary state (stage?). I'm unable to work with other people in teams. I am unable to hold on to a job. Actually I am unable to sustain any kind of social interaction. No, no, no. Forget this. It’s very bad.”

Mark (director): “Really?”

Sam: “Cut. Beginning. And the result of course is that I am a social recluse. No. Cut. Cut. Cut. I mean we start again. Let's go make switches.”

“The thing I really miss and that I would have liked to experience is the ability to feel, the ability to emote, and the ability to relate to other people as full fledge three-dimensional individuals, that are so so but I hope it captured the spirit.”

“Oh I feel sad most of the time. I feel depressed most of the time. I wish I were different. I don't think however this is possible. No cut that. Let's stop again.”

Although Sam admits his inability to have any type of emotion, he has a wife, Lydia, who chooses to stay with him despite his condition.

Sam: “Regardless what people might think of us, Lydia and I are compatible. And to some extent I think we're happy.”

Lydia (English is a second language): “Yeah, we give. We exchange. She takes what she needs from me. I take what I need from him. My father was extremely active, so I developed some senses how to cope with him to be you know peaceful, to avoid shouting stuff with a verbal. And up with a physical abuse by his side.”

Sam: “Can you hear?

Mark (director): “The noise is gone”

Sam: “But the noises…”

Lydia: “Why you are so aware of the environment? What does it disturb you? Why does my favorite like that.”

Sam: “I realize it. (?) If the kids scream or music stops.”

Lydia: “Okay look your business. Someone else takes care about. You enough.”

Sam: “But I’m not in control.”

Lydia: “Yes so you know you all.”

Sam: “I must be controlled.

Lydia: “You must control over everything, so if I'm gonna do it.”

Sam: “I must direct, Mark, directing me. I need to be in absolute control. I need to be an absolute control of people. I need to be an absolute control of situations. I am a control freak. You are directing this film. I don't like that. I want to direct this film. You know. I'm the authority. I’m the supreme authority, and far superior to you. I’m omnipotent. You are challenging me not by doing anything. You know you're very nice guy. But you're challenging me by your mere existence, and by your mere position. You know. You're telling me what to do because I need to be in control. And because I'm grandiose in my self perception, I challenge authority all the time. And because I challenge authority unsuccessfully all the time, I rage.”

Sam is able to offer a unique insight into why an extreme narcissist can suddenly rage uncontrollably. As Brian Blackwell's defense claimed that he’d done.

Sam: “When I feel insulted or injured I feel that I I have been negated. That I've been annihilated. I feel that I’m dissolving into molecules. I feel that my very being, the core of my being, my essence is being threatened directly. And I feel that I have to restore, immediately restore balance by nothing less or nothing short of eliminating the source of frustration.

It’s not really vengefulness or vindictiveness. It's a desperate attempt to kill even the slightest hint of criticism or disagreement, threatens the precarious balance that I've created over many years. The balance that constitutes my personality. You are out to destroy and kill me. So I am out to destroy and kill you.”

Dr. Sam Vaknin, Brian Blackwell, and cult leader David Burke are all extreme examples of narcissistic personality disorder. Can they be cured?

Therapists: “It’s very difficult to cure personality disorder. Personality disorder by its very definition is an enduring and stable part of somebody's psychological makeup. But what you can do is that you can help people to control their their traits.”

Sam: “Many therapists and you know mental health professionals will tell you that narcissism is treatable. That it can be either reversed or utterly cured or at least some of the behaviors can be modified and that is largely untrue. Narcissism is the narcissists personality. You can't cure the narcissist because you can't take away his personality.”

It’s estimated that there are as many as six million people worldwide who may be suffering from varying degrees of NPD. But with such an under diagnose condition that number could be far greater.

Therapists: “It’s very difficult to know who exactly has it because by its very definition, if you are narcissistic you think that you are better than other people. You’re great. So you're not going to go to the doctor and complain.”

What is certain is that those diagnosed with narcissistic personalities, in other words, true egomaniacs satisfy their need by preying on others. And for that reason, they will never go hungry.

Sam: “We are superior subspecies. We transcend humanity. We are Nietzsche (?) superman. We deserve the subservience and the availability of everyone around us. Luckily, every year 100 million people are born throughout the world. We have 100 million new choices every year.

Thank you very very much Paula for this transcript.

I have told many people who are the narcissists and how they think throughout time. Nobody, unless they have been a victim, understands. In fact, even the victims victimized themselves further thinking that they have something to do with the narcissist behavior. In fact, they don't. They just existed.

When it is a specialists in the field who is narcissist and tells them, people suddenly believe it. (the irony: even if it comes from a declared narcissist).

The damage caused by narcissists and psychopaths / sociopaths is just unbelievable. It takes years and years to repair a narcissist impact on oneself. It is extremely difficult to get back up and worst when children are involved. Plus the years lost with them.

What is not said here, is that narcissists and psychopaths are empty shell, in fact the narcissistic traits are there to replace a real personnality. They are inner marshmallows that may melt at any time. They will do anything for this not to happen. And this means destroying and stealing the energies and work of others.

And this includes stealing, manipulating relentlessly, lying, imitating, despising, putting down, brainwashing, up to physical violence if needed (the intelligent one manage it in ways not to be caught) and killling if necessary. We can see that most politicians have many traits and behaviors. The heads of SES and bureaucrats of governments as well.

These suggestion are applicable in many settings. http://avalonlibrary.net/paula/smilies/construction.gif

10 Ways to Discourage Narcissists from Dating You

It is easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of a new relationship and suddenly realize that your whole world has changed. With a narcissist it is important to be very aware at the beginning and not let this happen.


This is kinda a good news, bad news:

• The good news is that this information will help you side step a relationship with a narcissist, someone that can wreak havoc on your life for decades.
  
• The bad news is that your next new relationship might not work out. Keep in mind you donʼt always want relationships to “work out”; some of them can be bad for you.

http://avalonlibrary.net/paula/Empow...narcissits.jpg

by Wendy Powell
[article]

If youʼve ever ended up with a narcissist before, or if you are out there in the dating world, these are some of the things that you should be aware of when you begin to date someone new. These tips may keep you from realizing that you have been “captured” by a narcissist.

1. In initial conversations make sure you ask them as many questions as they ask you. Wait for an answer. If they say that they like something, ask a more specific question.

Why this is important?

Narcissists actually probe you for information so that they can learn as much about you as possible. By asking them questions, you force them to tell you about themselves. This slows down the process of them collecting data and allows you an opportunity to determine if they are lying.

For example, you say, “I love dancing the Macarena” They reply, “I do too!” You can ask, “Where do you usually go dancing?” This next direct question forces them to be more specific. The first set of lies is very simple, but the more detailed the questions the more likely you will catch them in a lie. Also, it can put them off balance and make them less attracted to you.

It is important in any relationship that there be reciprocity, so asking someone about themselves as much as they ask you, is a good thing.

2. Never reveal personal or private information early. The rule of thumb is that if you wouldnʼt tell everyone at work, it is not something to share in the first couple of weeks of a relationship.

Why this is important?

Sharing personal information has two effects. The first is that it gives you a sense of intimacy with this person. Exchanging private information is one of the ways that we get close to someone. Narcissists use this method to get close fast. Getting really close to someone before you know them is never a good thing. The second problem is that sensitive material can be used against you and if the person turns out to be a narcissist you will regret sharing things that you did not want everyone to know.

Realize we all crave intimacy. There is a strong urge to reveal things to the same level as someone else. It is good to base any relationship on trust and intimacy and these things take time. There will be time in the future to share these details if this is the right person.

3. Donʼt fight for the relationship right at the beginning. If someone that you are just starting to date tells you that their friends or family would not approve of your relationship or if they let you know that they are leaving town or that they are worried about you breaking up with them right away it is a warning sign. They are looking for assurances, way before it is reasonable, for you to say that you would not leave. If for any reason, the relationship seems to have opposition or an expiry date, see it as a red flag. Statements like, “This is just a summer fling” are a warning sign.

Why this is important?

Think of dating a narcissist as a job interview. They want someone that will be there for the long haul. They want to know that you will go the extra mile to make the relationship work. All of these things are desirable in a good, long-term relationship, but they show you are desperate in the short term. Narcissists are attracted to someone that is too desperate to easily leave any relationship, even a bad one.

If their friends or family wouldnʼt approve, why would you want to be with someone when you would be an outcast or disliked? If the person you just started dating may have to leave town for a job or to go back to school, recognize that it is too early to make that kind of commitment and donʼt. These situations can also be a ploy. If you move to another town with them early in the relationship they have you trapped because you are relying on them for everything and none of your friends or family are around.

If early on you get the impression that there might be opposition to your relationship or an expiry date you are being pressured to make a commitment prematurely.

4. Maintain your private time. If you are being flooded with attention it may initially feel like you are loved. This is not the case. A narcissist will flood you with attention as a way of controlling you. You get used to this level of attention and then you expect it, long after it is taken away. Try to not respond to the multiple texts, messages and calls. Donʼt respond until it is convenient. Constantly interrupting your time with other people is one of the ways that narcissists distance you from your friends.

Why this is important?

Narcissists need constant nourishment from others. They are trying to figure out if you are the one that is going to give it to them. By not giving it to them, you are less likely to be pursued.

A person that actually loves you, respects your right to privacy, time with your friends and your need to have time to yourself.

5. Keep seeing your friends, doing your hobbies and pursuing your interests. If your new dating partner insists on seeing you every minute, it as a sign of pathology not adoration. The beginning of a relationship is too early to be spending most of your time with someone.

It is one thing to say, “Iʼm going to the movies with friends.” But if someone you have just started dating digs for more detail: which friends, which theatre, which movie, are you going out afterwards?

It is best to not give it. “Hiding” information from a narcissist will drive them crazy and they will not want to date you.

Why this is important?

The ultimate goal of a narcissist is to have you all to themselves. This is part of the control that they have over their partners because the narcissist manages to eliminate everyone else from your life as much as possible. Having only one person in your life makes you very dependent on this person.

Realize you may want to be “good” and not realize that you are wired to “obey” when someone asks you to do something.

In a healthy relationship your partner will want you to be happy and having friends, hobbies and interests is a large part of that.

6. Maintain your private space. Agreeing to have someone move in right away, or suddenly noticing that one “sleep over” has resulted in the person never leaving is a major red flag. You should make other plans and tell them that you want to go out with your friends and that they canʼt stay at your place.

Why this is important?

This is just one element of how a narcissist moves in and takes control of your life. Suddenly, you will realize that they are living at your place full time. The longer they are there before you stand your ground the more difficult it becomes to maintain your space. Having someone move in right away does not allow time for you to balance this new relationship with the other priorities in your life.
Realize you are fighting biology here.

We instinctively want others around. It feels good to have company.
Quality relationships are not based on spending as much time together as quickly as possible. They are based on mutual respect for each otherʼs lives and priorities.

7. Resist the urge to “take care of someone” you just met. If someone tells you early in a relationship that they have come upon bad times at work, in health, a tragedy, ask yourself why you want to take care of them and why there is no one else in their lives to fulfill this role.

Why this is important?

This is one of the tactics that narcissists use to get close to you. Examples are, “Iʼve just lost my job and have no money”. “I was living with my last lover and I ended it, so I have no place to live”. “I just moved into town and have been living on a friendʼs sofa but Iʼve outstayed my welcome”. If they say that they just got out of a bad relationship with an awful person, insist that you donʼt want to be their rebound person and move away quickly.

Realize that you are fighting instincts here. We all want to pick up the fallen bird and nurse it back to health. Healthy relationships are between two self-sufficient individuals. If this person cannot support themselves now, they are unlikely to take care of their half of the responsibility in a relationship.

8. We all like to dream and plan, but the beginning of a relationship is a bad time to be planning to be together forever. Try the phrase, “I think we are getting ahead of ourselves”. This allows you to be honest and can be used like this: “Yes, I would love to move to New York City with you and pursue my comedy career, but I think we are getting ahead of ourselves.”

Why this is important?

One of the tactics narcissists use to keep you from leaving is to point out that you “agreed” to this relationship and wanted this relationship from the beginning. Now you are a “quitter” or “selfish” or “mean” if you are just abandoning this dream. Often, the dream was premature.

It is good to have dreams and long term plans together but these should be based on a solid relationship, not an elusive goal that is agreed upon before all of the facts are in.

9. Pay attention to how your date treats others. Ask yourself if you want to be treated that way.

Why this is important?

Narcissists often think that they are justified belittling those around them. They think that they are superior and therefore they can treat others badly. In any relationship, how your partner treats others can be how they will treat you — eventually. A nice person has respect for others and respect for you and treats people accordingly.

10. Focus on reciprocity. If they compliment you, compliment them back. If they ask about you, ask about them. If they do something for you, do it for them.

Why this is important?

Ideally, we all want good relationships. Keeping things in balance is a good starting point for a relationship based on mutual support. By treating them exactly how they treat you, you will become aware of whether or not it “feels normal”. For instance, if they buy you several gifts and it feels abnormal to buy someone you just met that many gifts, you realize that this is a red flag.

This method helps you see past the joy you felt in receiving the gifts and puts them in context. If you feel like you are being disingenuous complimenting them repeatedly, realize that their level of compliments may be abnormal and this is certainly a red flag.

http://avalonlibrary.net/paula/image...e-bar-grey.jpg

It is easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of a new relationship and suddenly realize that your whole world has changed. With a narcissist it is important to be very aware at the beginning and not let this happen.

This is kinda a good news, bad news type of post.

The good news is that this information will help you side step a relationship with a narcissist, someone that can wreak havoc on your life for decades.

The bad news is that your next new relationship might not work out. Keep in mind you donʼt always want relationships to “work out”; some of them can be bad for you.