I Am The TRUE Satan - Any Questions?

[Free Thinker]

Posted by Innocent Warrior (here)
Oh you are sooo baaad, Satan.

You can’t return souls btw, we had a deal and I want my castle.

It's like what Anya (formerly Anyanka) the character on the Buffy, the Vampire Slayer TV show said in Season 7 of the series when it was still "on the air". Referencing the First Evil and whatnot...

"Oh puhleese...
How many times have I heard THAT one before?
I am so bad I am badder than all the others combined,
I am so bad I don't even have a name for my extreme utter baddiness...
I am so bad I even copyrighted the word 'bad', all the others are just imitators...

I am so bad, bad, baddy bad bad, does it make you horny?"

Not the exact words, but close enough, hehe.

[Free Thinker]

Posted by Mike (here)

Posted by Rachel (here)
Oh you are sooo baaad, Satan.

You can’t return souls btw, we had a deal and I want my castle.

A deal is a deal darling. The castle is yours. I shall build one of my own across the moat, and I will look longingly upon yours from my turret, waiting patiently for you to come to your senses and become my queen regnant.

Then we will arrive at diabolical plans to take over the planet over wine and enormous chicken thighs, and when one of us offers up a particularly brilliant idea, we shall toast the moon and the stars and laugh like this:

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=pVY1-v97Mic

Is there ice cream involved too? Count me in...

"After all, man (or any being for that matter) cannot survive on wine and chicken thighs alone, he must have ice cream..."

Would definitely help with the temperature extremes too, methinks. *makes thinking face*

[Free Thinker]

Posted by seehas (here)
Dear Satan Claus,

do you receive presents yourself or you just give them to others?

No, he pisses on the presents first, then gifts them to others.

[Josh88]

What's up buttercup?

[Free Thinker]

Oh, got another question.

What do you use if/when your primary weapon of attack (pitchfork or trident) is unavailable? Do you just grab the nearest fork in the infernal drawer and use that instead?

"I've got me a pitchfork,
Oh wait, I canna' find me pitchfork of doom,
Never mind that, I got me a substitute,
So I continue to do the pitchfork pointy dance and batwing it...."

And don't tell me to fork off... I've heard that one before. Might wanna retune that tuning fork to higher vibrations of love and light...

All in good humor. :D

[Patient]

Mike, I had no idea you were a soccer guy! Awesome!

I was recruited for the under 16 Canadian team for the Fifa worlds tourney, ...uhm only a few years ago. lol

But then, as fate has directed me so often, I tore the muscles on the outside of my ankle a week before camp so I didn't get to go. Still played a lot through the years in many levels. My only professional game is one where I was paid $15 to play for some team in Toronto. Lol! I have no idea why they paid people the $15.00. It was probably a bribe - I was 17 at the time. Lol!

Have you been watching the Champions League games? Manchester vs PSG was a mess of a game - but entertaining.

[Mike]

Posted by Patient (here)
Mike, I had no idea you were a soccer guy! Awesome!

I was recruited for the under 16 Canadian team for the Fifa worlds tourney, ...uhm only a few years ago. lol

But then, as fate has directed me so often, I tore the muscles on the outside of my ankle a week before camp so I didn't get to go. Still played a lot through the years in many levels. My only professional game is one where I was paid $15 to play for some team in Toronto. Lol! I have no idea why they paid people the $15.00. It was probably a bribe - I was 17 at the time. Lol!

Have you been watching the Champions League games? Manchester vs PSG was a mess of a game - but entertaining.

I think you and I discussed it a little on a different thread once. I do recall you telling me that. Very cool stuff. You must have been a hell of a player!

Here in the US, at least back when I was playing, we had something called ODP (Olympic development program). You started locally, and thru an endless series of tryouts (which were set up as tournaments) one could climb the ladder..the goal being the national side.

To just make the state team was a months long process. During these tournaments, after each game you'd be put in an upper or lower "pool". From the upper pool you might make the team. You had to get in the upper pool games if you wanted a chance to be selected. If you had a poor game and were put in a lower pool, you had to play your way back into the upper pool..which was an especially exhausting process. Happened to me a couple times.

I tried out 3 times. Every year i made the state team. I started too, which was pretty satisfying, because i could then reasonably say to myself, hey dude you're one of the top 11 players in NY state. Felt good.

The farthest I ever got was the regional pool. The US is divided up into 4 regions. I made the northeast regional pool. Had I made the regional team I would have had a chance to try out for the national side, but I came up a little short. But I came pretty damn close. I'm especially proud of that year because I was coming off a brutal leg break and there was a question over whether I'd ever play again. I was very very fast but after the injury I never regained my burst. And the Canadian doctors set my leg at a slight slope (i broke my leg in a Canadian tournament, in Gloucester) so it was slightly shorter than my left leg now, and it gave me all sorts of back issues later on. I just never regained my form. So our stories are sort of similar.

Had you ever heard of Paul James?

¤=[Post Update]=¤

FreeThinker, I can feel Satan meddling with my aura. I Have a hunch he'll be by soon to reply to your posts....we shall see

[Josh88]

I'll be your huckleberry.

[Patient]

Posted by Mike (here)

Posted by Patient (here)
Mike, I had no idea you were a soccer guy! Awesome!

I was recruited for the under 16 Canadian team for the Fifa worlds tourney, ...uhm only a few years ago. lol

But then, as fate has directed me so often, I tore the muscles on the outside of my ankle a week before camp so I didn't get to go. Still played a lot through the years in many levels. My only professional game is one where I was paid $15 to play for some team in Toronto. Lol! I have no idea why they paid people the $15.00. It was probably a bribe - I was 17 at the time. Lol!

Have you been watching the Champions League games? Manchester vs PSG was a mess of a game - but entertaining.

I think you and I discussed it a little on a different thread once. I do recall you telling me that. Very cool stuff. You must have been a hell of a player!

Here in the US, at least back when I was playing, we had something called ODP (Olympic development program). You started locally, and thru an endless series of tryouts (which were set up as tournaments) one could climb the ladder..the goal being the national side.

To just make the state team was a months long process. During these tournaments, after each game you'd be put in an upper or lower "pool". From the upper pool you might make the team. You had to get in the upper pool games if you wanted a chance to be selected. If you had a poor game and were put in a lower pool, you had to play your way back into the upper pool..which was an especially exhausting process. Happened to me a couple times.

I tried out 3 times. Every year i made the state team. I started too, which was pretty satisfying, because i could then reasonably say to myself, hey dude you're one of the top 11 players in NY state. Felt good.

The farthest I ever got was the regional pool. The US is divided up into 4 regions. I made the northeast regional pool. Had I made the regional team I would have had a chance to try out for the national side, but I came up a little short. But I came pretty damn close. I'm especially proud of that year because I was coming off a brutal leg break and there was a question over whether I'd ever play again. I was very very fast but after the injury I never regained my burst. And the Canadian doctors set my leg at a slight slope (i broke my leg in a Canadian tournament, in Gloucester) so it was slightly shorter than my left leg now, and it gave me all sorts of back issues later on. I just never regained my form. So our stories are sort of similar.

Had you ever heard of Paul James?

¤=[Post Update]=¤

FreeThinker, I can feel Satan meddling with my aura. I Have a hunch he'll be by soon to reply to your posts....we shall see

Yes - Paul James. Only recently caught up with what he went through.

You must have been good yourself to have achieved that level. Quite a difference in population from where I played vs you playing. We probably experienced similar coaching - I had English, Scottish, Italian and South American coaches at different times - a lot of different input and how they analyzed my ability. I still have some of the things that some of those coaches said to me echo in my mind to this day.

The strongest one word was from an Italian coach - he was so passionate he would stay at the field with me and a couple of the other kids (probably when I was 13/14) until the sun started to go down. He was always trying to teach me to be lighter on my feet and float. He would always say "You must have Tenacity!"

[Mike]

Onawah, I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the brain by your emojis. This is how you greet your immortal master? With foolishly grinning cartoon characters? We've come a long way from sacrificing virgins, sadly. You've all grown soft. I really miss the good old days, when summoning me at least required the gorging out of a few cattle sphincters under a full moon. Speaking of sphincters, who is this Josh88 guy tugging on my shirt? Someone change his diaper already. Daddy is busy. And Free Thinker, hello there. You're feisty, female, and you've used the word "horny" in a sentence: that automatically makes you the most interesting person on this thread besides me. I'm intrigued. I shall arrive in your dreams tonight and ask you 2 highly inappropriate questions. The answers will determine whether I let you live or not. And Not So Innocent Warrior, say my name 3 times again and see what happens. You can't hide from me. I see you! I can even smell you. What's that you're cooking anyway? Grilled cheese?

[onawah]

Don't be silly, Satan. As if I would bother stabbing you in your tiny brain.
Those emojis are meant to wake up Mike and make him realize when you have yet again invaded and taken over his rightful driver's seat.
In short, I was UNsummoning you!
And there Mike was, having such a cozy conversation with his mates about soccer ( or whatever...I confess I don't pay much attention to competitive sports) and you had to go and start meddling with his aura again.
So rude!
It's no wonder you get so little respect these days, much less sacrificial virgins.
And you've got yet another thing wrong--those cattle eviscerations weren't done for you, those were done by ETs who have been here studying life forms.
Or maybe they are just trying to figure out if they can bioengineer cows they can take to other planets.
Since after all...



But why don't you go and pester those little guys instead...maybe they will be willing to stroke your ailing ego for awhile (since humans have grown weary of that never-ending task).
Anyway, I hear you took my recent suggestion and acquired some real estate in outer space--are you considering setting up shop there?
That would add up, since it's getting close to the time when you and your minions will be cast into the outer darkness, isn't it?
It's pretty dark on Saturn, I hear...



I think that's a great idea, if I say so myself!
You might even get some of those little ETs to help you out and build you a temple or two.
And don't go pretending that they have actually been your servants all along.
We already know they have time traveled here from the future to figure out how to correct the course of human evolution--in other words--without your interference!



You know, you have become too predictable, it's getting really easy to second guess your next moves.

PS How did that remote viewing of you by Ed Dames go from your perspective, BTW?

[Free Thinker]

I never got the dream memo, so I take that to mean your less than paltry attempts at trying to invade my dream world (and of course your complete and utter failure to do so, let's not forget THAT) just really has your goat hooves in quite the sticky and aggravated conundrum, doesn't it?

But I am appreciative of the compliments, regardless of your actual intent, which I use promptly to rise ever higher and higher into my True Nature Of Being, while you are still mucking about in your pit o' poop and egotistical drool. Drool so shiny it absolutely glitters in its sickening false light of "I wanna be more than I am, but can't." Because you know, "pit o' poop" thing and all. Must be a real downer, that, eh? XD

Oh, but wait! There's more! Call the divinely supportive hotline of '1800-I-Need-An-Angel', and watch them make a game out of hanging up on you. It's like that one Madonna song, "The Power of Goodbye". As in, goodbye. *click* (all credit goes where due for that last humorous quip, I am simply taking it out for a stroll here b/c it's all too appropriate... and stuff).

And speaking of annoying emojis... how's this for a wonderful start?



Nah nah nah nah nah!

I'd say more, but this is really the kind of thing that needs to be done "in stages".

*angelic singing on high ensues forevermore, as well as the beauty of the universe in all its wonderful and divinely gorgeous extravagance to remind us all (those of us who actually matter, that is) of where the real purpose of life and existence lies*

[Mike]

Posted by Free Thinker (here)
I never got the dream memo, so I take that to mean your less than paltry attempts at trying to invade my dream world (and of course your complete and utter failure to do so, let's not forget THAT) just really has your goat hooves in quite the sticky and aggravated conundrum, doesn't it?

But I am appreciative of the compliments, regardless of your actual intent, which I use promptly to rise ever higher and higher into my True Nature Of Being, while you are still mucking about in your pit o' poop and egotistical drool. Drool so shiny it absolutely glitters in its sickening false light of "I wanna be more than I am, but can't." Because you know, "pit o' poop" thing and all. Must be a real downer, that, eh? XD

Oh, but wait! There's more! Call the divinely supportive hotline of '1800-I-Need-An-Angel', and watch them make a game out of hanging up on you. It's like that one Madonna song, "The Power of Goodbye". As in, goodbye. *click* (all credit goes where due for that last humorous quip, I am simply taking it out for a stroll here b/c it's all too appropriate... and stuff).

And speaking of annoying emojis... how's this for a wonderful start?



Nah nah nah nah nah!

I'd say more, but this is really the kind of thing that needs to be done "in stages".

*angelic singing on high ensues forevermore, as well as the beauty of the universe in all its wonderful and divinely gorgeous extravagance to remind us all (those of us who actually matter, that is) of where the real purpose of life and existence lies*

Nah I was there, fully prepared to invade your dream world and screw up your life..but then I saw your slam poetry trophies and collection of Doreen Virtue books and realized you were doing that quite well on your own. I do have a set of ethics, you see. And I do feel something like sympathy too, particularly for fully grown women who hang Enya posters on their bedroom walls (Don't deny it. I saw it). And what's this weird obsession with drool and sh!t? I'm a divine beast for f#ck sake, not some potty training toddler. I haven't shat myself in literally thousands of years, so I don't wanna hear it (never trust a fart after you've eaten a cow fetus).

I will tell you a humiliating story about Mike though, seeing he's not here to protest (Off masturbating to Jordan Peterson most likely. What a little fan boy b!tch he is. How any of you tolerate that pompous twat is beyond me). He got very drunk about a year ago, passed out on a friend's couch, and pissed himself...leaving the cushions damp and stinky. When confronted he blamed it on the family dog. "Did the dog flip over the cushions too?" his friend asked.

[Mike]

Onawah, you appear to have asked an earnest question about Ed Dames. Thank you. I'm going to choose to ignore all the other sh!t you've written and attempt to answer it.

Actually I'm gonna ignore that question too.

[Free Thinker]

No, the real reason why you couldn't get into my dreams (as in it's a couldn't, not a wouldn't) was because the goodly vibrations are too high for you to penetrate. I'd start singing the 'Good Vibrations' song, but there's really no need for that. And oh, let's not forget, me and my collection of 'Love Conquers All' T-shirts were giving you a mighty hard time there as well. Even if I don't actually own any 'Love Conquers All' t-shirts, it's the thought and intention that counts here. *BOOM* In yo face!

In response to your slam poetry trophies and Doreen Virtue book collection insults my way, here's what I have to say about that.

Regarding the poetry, I do like poetry. I personally would leave the slamming part up to you though. After all, you do it so well, perhaps if we're all lucky, you'll slam those dang horns right off your head (and everywhere else where such applies). And....trophies? What a nice surprise.... I actually don't have any trophies, but it's so "nice" of you to think so. Hahahahahahahaha!

I am pretty sure I only own one Doreen Virtue book, might have owned a few other books of hers in the past, but certainly not a whole collection thereof like you're claiming. Which is yet another blockade to throw in your 'Not-So-All-Seeing-Eye' path.

Unless Enya can take the form of a unicorn, a herd of unicorns, a field of butterflies, an angel or something else along those lines, I am pretty sure I do not and have never had any Enya posters on my wall either...

And by the way, why settle for just the 'All-Seeing-Eye' path? What about the 'All-Smelling Nose' path? The All-Tasting Tongue? The All-Hearing Ear? The All-Touching Hand? Or is there a reason why the 'All-Seeing Eye' path is the only one that made the cut?

Almighty (Or Not) Powers

All-Smelling Nose: The ability to smell anything/everything.... no matter the distance. Be it roses, sex, dirty diapers, centuries old rotting garbage, an energetic army of farts, etc. You name it, you smell it!!!!!

All-Tasting Tongue: The ability to taste anything/everything... no matter the distance. The good, the bad, the ugly, the 'OMG, what did I just put into my mouth!!!' :D Any/all of it.

The All-Hearing Ear: The ability to hear anything/everything... no matter the distance. Everything from the sound of tires squealing on the road in order to avoid a collision, to puppy dogs yip yip yipping away as they play 'fetch that stick' with their owners, to happy, inspirational songs that must really give you the 'Mother of All Migraines' just listening to those beautiful, harmonic melodies of infinite peace and eternal happiness, to... Well, I am sure you get the "point". All three points in fact as it pertains to your infernal fork mentality, yah?

The All-Touching Hand: The ability to touch anything/everything... no matter the distance. I shall refrain from elaborating on this one, as no doubt your lower mind can fill in the blanks there.

In other words, why stick to only the 'All-Seeing-Eye' Path? Sounds like the coward's way out to me....

Can't smell this... can't taste this... can't hear this... can't touch this...

Also... DIVINE beast? Nah, I think you got that backwards. Just like you got everything else backwards. Do I see a pattern here? Yes, yes I do. Though the 'beast' part is definitely accurate.

Come on... what else do you *think* you know, that I will promptly prove you wrong about? Cuz, like, this is fun!!!!!!

And as for Mike and the embarrassing story you told about him, I'm sure Mike will have a few things to say about that, which I will leave up to him, of course.

'Nuff said.

[Free Thinker]

Posted by Mike (here)
Onawah, you appear to have asked an earnest question about Ed Dames. Thank you. I'm going to choose to ignore all the other sh!t you've written and attempt to answer it.

Actually I'm gonna ignore that question too.

I think Satan's losing his steam. Whaddya'll think?

[onawah]

Certainly he's losing steam, but he's such a hot head it's bound to take a while before he burns out completely.
It's like watching a super slo-mo of the Wicked Witch of the West melting.

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=nKfvJiS35I8

(The emoji jabs seem to be effective in keeping him in line
We just have to take care not to start feeling sorry for him , as he can smell pity from a mile away and will try to take advantage. )
He has a habit of going off to some dark corner of his noxious domain and sulking for interminable intervals when he's feeling slighted :frown: (which is most of the time these days).
So his appearances here are sporadic as you will notice if you read back over the thread.
His responses to posts directed at him will wax and wane accordingly as to whether he thinks he's being taken seriously or not.
For example, he apparently thought at first that my question about Ed Dames remote viewing him was asked in earnest, and that got his attention.
Then I imagine on second thought he realized I wasn't earnestly wanting to know his impressions at all, but was just wondering if he was even aware that someone was remote viewing him (he's really not on the ball these days at all...)
I doubt that he did, and he was probably just feeling too dispirited to come up with a convenient lie, so he simply reneged on any further response.
Which is typical when he feels he's in an unflattering spotlight.
He hates being analyzed, and that's probably why he responds so rarely to my posts, and so briefly when he does.
But I will continue to post because it catches the attention of others on the forum, and when they send him a message, he generally replies eventually with his usual asinine remarks and insults and that at least keeps him preoccupied for awhile.
It's possible that if no one posts on the thread at all anymore, he will simply find another victim to inhabit and leave Mike alone, but even Mike might agree that that would deprive us all of a chance to keep tabs on Satan.
I think we can all pardon Mike for any embarrassing things he may have done while under the influence (of Satan and/or alcohol, which are obviously associated), and about which he is generally unapologetic in any case (and probably with good reason).
So in that sense, we may owe Mike a debt of gratitude for allowing Satan to continue taking up residence in his being--for the time being.
Time being of the essence, and Satan surely knows his time is about up.

It's a pity though, that the former Avalon member who started the thread back in 2018 stating that he is the true Jesus didn't last on the forum long enough to take up a dialogue with Satan on this thread, which was started as a response to that one.
That probably would have been pretty interesting, and would certainly have pressed a lot of Satan's buttons

Posted by Free Thinker (here)

Posted by Mike (here)
Onawah, you appear to have asked an earnest question about Ed Dames. Thank you. I'm going to choose to ignore all the other sh!t you've written and attempt to answer it.

Actually I'm gonna ignore that question too.

I think Satan's losing his steam. Whaddya'll think?

[Mike]

Posted by Free Thinker (here)

Posted by Mike (here)
Onawah, you appear to have asked an earnest question about Ed Dames. Thank you. I'm going to choose to ignore all the other sh!t you've written and attempt to answer it.

Actually I'm gonna ignore that question too.

I think Satan's losing his steam. Whaddya'll think?

Satan was losing his steam about 10 pages ago darling! I hope you're not just noticing now. If you're expecting some performing flea I'm not your guy. Mike might offer some jokes or a story, but I ain't him. And let's thank the halls of Hades for that! I got over the novelty of my cleverness long ago, and feel very little need to demonstrate it anymore. Mike on the other hand, the soulless, emotionally needy git he is...

Admitting you own a Doreen Virtue book has earned you some points with Satan. As a symbolic gesture of reciprocity, I'll admit to - when in the proper mood - enjoying a little Air Supply. But don't think this gesture makes us friends. I still hate you and everything your incense addled brain cells stand for.

Onawah, about Ed Dames...

Let me ask you this: have you heard much from Ed Dames in recent years? Yeah, neither have I. Oh, you want to know if I had anything to do with that, do you? Well just wait a moment while I act annoyingly coy about it..

....
....
....
....

Of course I f'ing did!

When my name is uttered, I'm obliged to arrive. So when Dames was announcing his strategy to the world on that silly radio show, I heard every last word of it. A fool that man is! It would have been no different had a general phoned his enemy and declared, "We're approaching from the south and we'll arrive on your shores at noon. You and your troops be ready!" He "remote viewed" me alright, and then I trapped him..much like you might a fly in a glass..watching it slowly die of oxygen deprivation before plucking off it's wings so it could drunkenly wobble it's way to an ignominious and humiliating death.

What does that all mean? Well I basically gave the man a spiritual lobotomy. I'll put you in charge of telling the owner of this place that we need a spiritual lobotomy emoji.

[Free Thinker]

I think it is high time for a time-out for you Satan. A permanent one.

In the meantime, I shall be content with throwing more emojis your way. I'd throw about 100 out there, but since there's a 20-emoji limit here, I'll take what I can get.

[Free Thinker]

And here's another set of "annoying emojis". Y'know, for old time's sake.



Edit: Perhaps this thread should be titled "I am the TRUE Poop-On-A-Stick - Any Questions?". Might make that much more of a stinky headline.