On the Nature of Betrayal and How to Deal With It

[Free Thinker]

On the Nature of Betrayal and How to Deal With It

Gonna keep this as short as I can. Perhaps later I can expand upon this, but right now, just want to get the initial thoughts out.

As someone who has continuously undergone betrayal after betrayal in her life, and seen way too many hurts directed my way by all kinds of malicious behaviors, it is no wonder that people like me who have been emotionally, socially and spiritually crapped on find it hard to trust and be around others, in the fear that we will continue to be rejected for who we are and further ostracized. It is not an easy road, but through it we find immense strength and wisdom to learn from it and carry on with our lives because of it, and even despite it.

So, let's share tiny snippets of our life journeys with each other, whatever we feel comfortable with or just to read the thread and its comments for what's it worth without responding much. Let's support those who have been betrayed in their lives, be it once, twice, a hundred times, a billion times or whatever the case may be. By in turn supporting others, we can in turn support ourselves. It all goes full circle in the end. Let's make it memorable.

Many blessings to all.

[Jaye B.]

What has helped me is the fact that the people who cause us the greatest suffering are ‘teaches in disguise’. I went out of my way to help someone who developed ulcerative colitis and nearly died on me. He betrayed me after he got out of the hospital. I eventually forgave him and realized that he taught me a valuable lesson: I saw firsthand the horrible treatment he received from doctors and it scared me into making my first attempts at quitting drinking and taking better care of myself.

[Free Thinker]

You make a good point. However, I do have to wonder if the "teacher" or teaching aspect of it is in fact the person or the situation itself, or maybe both to some extent.

There is usually meaning to the suffering one experiences through constant betrayal, if we are aware and cognizant enough to realize it. However, that doesn't mean that we should always be forced to endure it. Far from it.

One has to learn to take the bad with the good, whether that be through betrayal, grief, trauma, loss, or some other type of suffering had.

Interested to know what others on the site have to say about this dark topic.

[Free Thinker]

There is a book I have called 'Dear Universe' by Sarah Prout (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company) that has a mini-meditation on betrayal and how to integrate with the feeling itself and to move past it. A very empowering message which greatly helped, though again, it is just one small step of the journey to do so.

From there the meditation asks me to 'choose my path', and gives me the following choices, those of 'Forgiving', 'Gracious' or 'Honest', and allows me to pick which one of these accompanying meditations to replace the negative (betrayal) with an appropriate positive (forgiving, gracious, honest). I went with 'Forgiveness' this time, though who's to say I would always pick the same path all the time? I likely will be revisiting these meditations as needed in the future/near future (as is the point) as something like this is of course a lengthy process and is not a quick fix/solution. The book also states that forgiveness is a choice. Very true, that.

I can explain more about some of the spiritual/self-help books I have (including the one mentioned above), but in another thread later on.

I still have my doubts as to whether the evil that infests our world should be fully forgiven or not for all the hurt and betrayal they've caused us, but then I have to try and steer the brain elsewhere as I have no real answers for that. Only to trust the Universe that it will do what it needs to when the time comes and leave my personal energy out of it as best I can.

Cited Source:
Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 2019. "Dear Universe". Sarah Prout.

[Mike]

Here's one:

This is the abridged version, sans all the details...

The great love of my life cheated on me, with a friend of mine (alleged friend) during a short period of physical separation. And when we reunited shortly after our physical separation we went to this party...hosted by the kid who she cheated on me with. Mind you, I didn't know about the cheating at this point. But there I was, holding her hand all night (which is unusual for me), as proud as could be, deeply in love, deeply contented, so pleased to be with her...and everyone at this party knew what had happened except me. So she was trotting me around all night, introducing me to some people I didn't know and so forth, and meanwhile I was the biggest sucker in the room. Just didn't know it.

Here's the weird thing: I didn't find out about it all till years later. A friend casually mentioned it in conversation. And when I asked why he didn't tell me before, he said "I thought you knew!"

I didn't know.

That particular woman and I had been broken up for 2 years when I found that out, but it was still very painful. Not just the cheating, but it was also hugely humiliating looking back, thinking about attending that party under those circumstances. It was the gut punch of all gut punches. Total betrayal. And she was the last person on earth I would have expected it from. It took me months to get over the pain of it all, even though we'd been broken up for years. She really was the love of my life, and those events left a deep scar. Many years passed before I was in a serious relationship again

This all happened 20 years ago, and it still stings a little

[Denise/Dizi]

Posted by Jaye B. (here)
What has helped me is the fact that the people who cause us the greatest suffering are ‘teaches in disguise’. I went out of my way to help someone who developed ulcerative colitis and nearly died on me. He betrayed me after he got out of the hospital. I eventually forgave him and realized that he taught me a valuable lesson: I saw firsthand the horrible treatment he received from doctors and it scared me into making my first attempts at quitting drinking and taking better care of myself.

It's my opinion, that while I think you learned a valuable lesson, I do not believe these people are "Teachers" at all. In fact, I believe it is the other way around... As a result of their selfishness, you have learned lessons, that you can then lovingly teach others..

Congrats on taking better care of yourself, you deserve it... We all do... Just not at the expense of others...

[Agape]

I won’t be long
Thus we practice “betrayal”.

But I’m free and that’s a practice of containment.

What I’ve learned in life from those few serious instances of human betrayal that sometimes change the course of your fate in single momentum of “another truth”

is that it’s of course important -and never too difficult for me- to understand so called “forgive” even though for one who understands fully there is nothing to forgive

but individuals who betrayed us once are important to part with and avoid meticulously in life.

I’ve very often given some of “them” hand in process of what I hoped to be understanding each other and coming off shameful situations on their own
but such understanding may truly arrive only years later ..
Most of those who betrayed us morally once are ready to do so any time again mistaking our understanding and absence of fight for weakness.

Even being in their vicinity makes them feel stressed and annoyed.

Labelling their victims a “menace” to their future undertaking often extravagant beyond their own judgement.

It’s important to part with people who seriously misunderstand or hurt us, even unintentionally instead keep forgiving them doing that.


Old mothers sometimes tolerate old sons bad quirks

But no one else does neither should those mothers.


In super rare cases of such friends returning us with apologies
and genuine emotion, anytime in our life,
they know they would be instantly pardoned.


For illustration I’ve never got any “genuine emotion”
from my dad who left my mother and I in trouble
and married another..
He had professional and political reasons going on
and mum was complicated, hypersensitive and somewhat hysterical woman
in my eyes back then,
one part of me was not surprised he was leaving but

he left the woman in my hands when I was 7.

No need to go to details but it was a meanness
we never forgave each other for the better part of it
because we couldn’t do otherwise.

Neither of us, as a matter of fact could take
“all that emotion in”.

Only mothers can. They will also deceive the world for their children’s sake if it’s important.

Humans are million times more deceptive than any other creature and feature on this planet. It’s surprising HOW MANY do experience serious tweaks in their character.

But...but..but...


Life is the Greatest Teacher. I only believe Life and the Cosmic Intelligence to be infalliable teacher.

We all learn one way or another so do the other people but our true passage and ours may be directionally different.

Moving to future instead walking to past or rounds around memorials is extremely important.

Leave those people to their convictions if they can’t part with them and leave those people before it’s too late.

Pitying them does not help neither does some kind of absolute empathy or consent to their state of being.
Some don’t will to evolve further.


They’re important to avoid, almost meticulously , don’t even greet them in a gesture of forgiveness because true forgiveness is mutual and comes from equal respect and understanding who we are.


Avoid people looking from corner in their eyes as if they knew.


It’s a mental pose easy to learn from movie actors.


Lastly, vow to yourself not to get betrayed again another time and don’t give them chance. Be ever straighter and test them “on spot”.
If they fail shoot them 😅 away .

Don’t keep them close despite conspiracy theorists best advice.


Keep safe, that keeps them safe too. The rest is all love



🐳

[Free Thinker]

The nature of forgiveness when it comes to betrayal is a tough one, not just because of the intense pain and extreme healing from such trauma it no doubt involves, but the very meaning thereof is often heavily misconstrued. A lot of people seem to think 'forgiveness' means something it actually doesn't mean at all. Therefore, why a lot of people (even myself back then) greatly shun(ned) the idea and practice of forgiveness because of how poorly it's interpreted.

Simply put, there are two ways to view forgiveness. Which one is correct? You decide.

Personally, I'd rather just detach myself from the negative energies that keep me stuck and don't enable me to progress, as that's a fate worse than death. I do not and will not ever condone what they did (and still don't!), but that doesn't mean I can't view the situation(s) in a higher universal light for what they really are, and refuse to be attached to such anymore, as that is a serious drainage on my energies, spiritual progress and who I am truly meant to be. And I have spent too long in the dark about this very thing. No more.

1) The whole "forgive and forget" deal, to overlook or "pardon".

2) The ability to psychologically and spiritually detach oneself from the person(s) and situation(s) and not let any of this drag us down any more than it already had, as well as do our very best to learn from it all.

In other words, it's about letting go of the harmful energy(s) that bind us in place, so that we feel free and light-hearted as we once did (to some extent), albeit with much more knowledge and wisdom than before. Can the perps claim that? No, they cannot. They are purposefully stuck in a spiritual state of devolvement. So, in this case, forgiveness is also seen as forgiving OURSELVES just as well, as too often one can feel anger and self-loathing towards themselves for not seeing the situation for what it really was, even though it would have been nigh-impossible to do so in the first place. Lesson learned, move on, even if the culprits themselves do not or cannot. That's on them. I refuse to get dragged down into their muck of misery and join them in their eternal? state of despair. I will not. I am far better than that.

That I do have control over, not what idjit people who continually hurt us continue to do or not do. I fully agree if someone betrayed me once, no matter how minor the assault, they are best avoided for all time, because you just never know how the side of evil will interpret that very act. They could very well see it as a 'weakness' and us 'giving up the fight', which couldn't be further from the truth. But then again, evil is inherently flawed for a reason, so they cannot see that. They only see what they want to see and it's as simple and (complex!) as that.

I feel compelled to look up the story of the goddess Persephone being forcefully kidnapped and raped by Hades, having descended into the Underworld and finally becoming Queen of said Underworld, as that is pretty much what my own life has felt like to some degree, metaphorically speaking. There is a similar story of a goddess named Inanna that I want to look up in more detail as well, and compare/contrast the two mythological tales, to further help/teach me on my own spiritual journey.

It takes a long time to learn how to let go. Some people never do, often because of too many unfavorable circumstances that make them feel even more helpless and powerless on what to do. My heart goes out to each and every one of them. I dearly hope and wish they find some peace in their lives, as well as some meaning to it all. The latter is an empowering realization that might very well be the key to breaking free of such torment, so that the negative energy of betrayal and all that this involves has far less chance to keep latching onto any of us in the future.

Anyway, just my 2 cents.

[Antagenet]

As a person who has been betrayed often in small and big ways by just about everyone I have ever known, I have had to learn to cope with the selfishness and cowardice of people. Also, as Elisabeth Kubler Ross said, when one masters one test, then you get a harder one. The betrayals have escalated in my life so that I am presented with harder and harder "tests", which is the only way I can really view the whole thing. It's not a matter of forgiveness, for me, but a challenge to not become like the perpetrators. I try to remain open hearted, and giving of what little I have left to those who seem to merit it more than others. I have not succeeded as much as I have wanted but its a very long marathon and I try not to be too hard on myself. My success in living according to higher goals, and with my conscience intact is my greatest achievement. But with every greater betrayal, I have felt more physically wounded and the toll is great. So in summation I can report, betrayals have not weakened my spirit, have only temporarily damaged my good will, but have been very deleterious to my health. I guess we all have to die of something and the cause of mine will be betrayals. At least God has not betrayed me! :-) ;-)

[Free Thinker]

@Antagenet
I definitely feel you on that. I too, have suffered from countless betrayals left and right and for the most stupidest of reasons too. I also want to thank you for reminding me that it is in fact, very much a challenge to rise above the BS and not sink down to their level. In that, I can be very proud, yet humble at the same time, for not giving into the selfishness, stupidity, cowardice and moronicness of it all. It really is something to be proud of, and let no one tell you different or try to gaslight you into thinking you're arrogant and "morally superior" to them, as I can totally see evil trying to pull that stunt in order to "make themselves feel better". I would say to those turdbags, if I were to say anything at all to them, that that train for them has long since left the station, they can complain all they want on that, it ain't gonna change a d**n thing.

'Nuff said.

Thank you for contributing to this thread topic. I hope things get better for you and soon. Stay strong and keep carrying on.

[Antagenet]

Free Thinker,
Thanks for your understanding and wise response to me.
Much Love