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Thread: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

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    United States Avalon Member Mike's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Just came across this video. Perfect for this thread. 12 mins long:


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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Quote Posted by Mike (here)
    Just came across this video. Perfect for this thread. 12 mins long:
    excellent choice!
    No need to follow anyone, only consider broadening (y)our horizon of possibilities ...

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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Quote Posted by Mike (here)

    (...)

    When someone says "He's a good man", I imagine a man with integrity, sound judgement, a clear sense of right and wrong, and someone whose words matches his actions. But that's what an integrated person is!

    Before you can be good, kind, or nice in any kind of genuine way, you first must be integrated (at least to some degree!). Jesus is the perfect example of a fully integrated individual.

    (...)
    Yes Mike; I mostly agree. But you see, I prefer "good" to "integrated"; first because "integrated" harks back to the Jungian set of concepts – and not everybody is at home in Jung (when I talk with the pretty rural crowd here of organic farmers, they “know”/“feel” etc. what “goodness” is, but they have never heard of “integration”). You yourself cite Jesus as a “fully integrated” individual but saying that does not explain Jesus with the concept of integration, it helps understanding integration by giving Jesus as an example...

    And so I do not see why it would be necessary to be "integrated" first, before one can be "good"...

    I must admit that I am a bit wary of Jung (although I am in awe at his Red Book) – and obviously his thoughts can be, and are, very helpful to a lot of people. It is maybe a matter of taste; I immersed myself in Freud and Lacan, and admire most of all the "unruly" psychoanalyst Georg Groddeck who is nearer to immediate, intuitive “apperception” of meaning, un-mediated by words or images (as, typically, in Freudian dream analysis) — hence my belief in the simplest, and/or oldest of words, like “good” as I wrote (being related to “god”)...

    And so a “simple” person, who “knows” how to grow delicious shii-take, or to make sure that the little brook offers enough breeding cover for the ducks, also “knows” very well, I guess, as you do, what the difference is between "good" and "nice"..

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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Quote Posted by Spiral (here)
    There is another side to this too, the mirror image so to speak.

    When nasty, sociopathic & manipulative people use "niceness" to disarm & manipulate others, esp people brought up with too large an emphasis on politeness & not upsetting others.

    In particular the British middle classes have weaponised niceness to the point of an art form. The culture of the BBC being a case in point.

    When someone uses manners & smiles to disarm you & make you either submit, or even go along with something, even if it's just their boring stories, they are being manipulative, not nice, regardless of what your programming says.


    That said, in relation to the need to be "nice", is it because you are afraid of your own reactions & emotions ? If so is that because they really are that bad, or did a parent make you believe that because they weren't developed enough to cope with that ?


    That is pretty close to how I see it.

    I am not a nice person whatsoever. Much more like a predator.

    I can be polite when I decide to, and I'm very helpful, but what I mean is if I see a person as described above, my instincts are basically on "kill" and I overlook it because there would be consequences.


    And there are plenty of times that the words coming out of your mouth should not match the thoughts in your head, but, let's say, there is another "adjustment process" that has nothing to do with whether something is uber nice.


    Most people like to upset you just to upset you. They told me so.

    I will do it for a reason, that is, I am going to consciously choose what sort of expressions I give off, compared to my inner assessment of situations. And if you get really mad about trivial situations, then you just look juvenile, so I am not talking about b!tching about everything either.

    It really is a flux.

    Disney World has been credited with coming up with the first serious "plastic face" for its employees, i. e., part of your job is just to be so nice and cute, and you have to act this way even if you are selling hot dogs.


    Most of the girls I work with keep saying "sorry", as if they were afraid or ashamed to actually be somewhere. Not too far back, I made one cry and quit over a joke.

    "Pardon me" is polite speech for gtfo of the way.

    They probably don't feel they can move me, and I cannot find anyone who could stop me.

    This is a new level of discovery about this "sorry" all the time, it is like I have uncovered a breed or something. Don't sneak up on someone and say "sorry", call them "Truffles". If there is no pause, you have probably encountered someone with no soul.

    Otherwise, "too nice" is a little bit revolting, about like too much saccharin.

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    Aaland Avalon Member Agape's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Today’s corporeal world is run by agnostics. It’s a world where you are bound to get lost among human collective chaos because the ideology of doubt and skepticism dictates you are acting mostly on random and see self as animal among animals. Monkey see monkey do 🙊
    People repeat each other’s patterns including thought patterns , words and actions trying to find the most successful pattern that would work it out.
    No matter what the fad is . In turn, human society of today allows few independent thinkers but supports co-think via internet that extends to common society and the consumer market.

    That kind of programmed consciousness is stamped on everything, from money to labels.

    If you happen not to touch “their stamps” even for a day, you may find yourself back with your spirit.

    Never forget that all of the program that includes internet communications and programs is tied to social mass control and is strictly based in duality.

    Whoever or whatever does not “comply” with the code level programmed is automatically rejected or misinterpreted by Siri ( metaphorically any AI from simple to complicated ) .


    If people are genuinely interested in finding a new conscious platforms of spirit and intelligence they would have to see clearly through the rest of social programming otherwise “freedom” and “wisdom” likewise become lower case denominations valid within parameters of programs someone else operate .


    In truth, any truth about human life is neither “nice”, sweet or easy to take in.

    I meet with this ignorance of life everyday , think teenagers who can’t understand that their hard working aged parents are tired and do not laugh all day ,
    people who want to “enjoy” and make the most of it as a lifestyle ,
    people who spend lives in constant fight against one or another society,

    and so on. People who look down on the underprivileged and disabled never getting the point, everyone is bound to get ill one day if we don’t care and die because this is Planet Earth, it’s hard here and there is no other way for the physical.


    Their wisdom has ceased in endless search for “better justice” to their cause and more rhetorics being added to the chaos everyday ,
    and very few people have respect to each other any more.

    In continuous argument, a buzz of humanity increasing its volume and magnitude
    wisdom becomes a “distraction” ,
    silence becomes a “threat”

    and truth , well ..after so many attempts to crucify the truth, cut it to pieces, nuke it and so forth,

    the truth shines silently in the Space beyond capture.

    One who beholds the truth may not “die” on instant but they’re certainly bound to lose face in their mirrors , I say.


    For your face in the mirror like empty gig
    of people’s theatres of yesterday
    never washes

    So vane are the arguments .

    So beautiful the truths in absence of twists and paraphrase


    So deep are the truth under nights full of Stars

    Between you and the Universe of course


    Away from hue-mans chatters


    🐚

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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    I’m afraid I don’t have much time just now and this overhasty post may come across as disagreeable to some. That is not my intention. My comments will betray a rather sheltered existence, apart, that is, from my participation on this forum.

    ‘Nice’ is at the top of the list of those vague words which set you reaching for a dictionary of synonyms for something more specific or apposite, something to get your teeth into. The message of Jesus, ‘Love your neighbour as thyself’, in the modern idiom might simply mean ‘be nice to people’. But the original connotation of nicety, involving delicate discrimination, has never gone away. You might want to consider some of the near-synonyms : (sometimes heroic) forbearance, tolerance, forgiveness, patience, non-confrontation, positive attitude, openness, admitting that maybe one doesn’t know best… And of course gentleness, gentillesse in French.

    We have a saying in our family, ‘being nice is not a trade’. Meaning that it it is no substitute for competence in whatever domain. And yet it is somehow priced into that. The tennis champion Roger Federer likes to say (notably to his four kids), ‘it’s nice to be important, but most of all it’s important to be nice’. Given that he is famous both for his competence and his niceness, the relationship between the two calls for further thought. On the one hand, the contrast is with professionalism, on the other it is with importance. Too often, your profession is your way of being important, and vice versa. Interestingly for Federer, tennis is just a game, which he says is trumped by niceness. His is an individual sport, but only the other day, the English cricketers won a famous victory against New Zealand based on team spirit, i.e. extraordinary mutual confidence, boosting individuals to produce record-breaking performances.

    What this means is that in most human interactions, we are not professionally competent and therefore struggling to know how best to respond. A case in point is when you have dealings with a narcissist, as many people do since this type tends to gravitate up the social ladder towards positions of power : such people need professional help which we cannot give and which they reject anyway. I have a family member possibly matching this profile – I don’t know, I’m not a psychiatrist – who decided, without any input from me – apart, that is, from ordinary ‘niceness’ – that I was a nasty person to be avoided. Years later, I worked out that, as I was on good terms with his sister, I would see through his lies. This is interesting, because it suggests that niceness can be a sharp defensive weapon in such interactions. It can have an effect that we don’t even notice, one that repels unacceptable behaviour patterns.

    I cannot recall offhand anything that I have regretted doing out of niceness. On the other hand, when things I have done that were in some respect regrettable were met with niceness, or forbearance, I would say that this has tided me over until such time as it became possible to understand the positive as well as the negative aspect of whatever it was. In such cases, the nice reaction may be taken to mean ‘I don’t have all the answers’. This may involve something as important as religious convictions. But to suggest that one doesn’t have all the answers is something that decent people are going to agree about, with no nastiness.


    A word, then, about Bill Ryan’s anger on a divine scale over a bit of trash left in a beauty spot, the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. It has a counterpart in the original sin of Adam and Eve, who make the one mistake there is to be made, and everyone suffers for it for ever after. This is final sin is so trivial, compared with, say, launching a genocide or a nuclear holocaust, which amounts to saying that we now have a million ways of making a mistake, any one of which will do to trigger an apocalypse.
    If we transpose this, Bill, to your management of this forum, then we immediately see a huge difference. You describe how you can occasionally ban a prominent member and tell them to get lost, but the above situation amounts to closing down the entire forum in disgust and heaven knows what in your personal life. Since you don’t seem to have this planned at all, then the above instance was a one-off. I’d say everything has to be a one-off (nicety as delicate discrimination) ; which suggests that the operative phrase in the thread title is ‘all the time’. But this may just be our subjective reaction to another person rather than an objective evaluation of their behaviour.

    Maybe instead we have a million ways of being nice, or not. In this instance of litter in a beauty spot, there was apparently no possible niceness, no possible interaction at all with the anonymous perpetrators or understanding of possible mitigating circumstances. I would say that the quiet clearing up of the debris was more useful than the anger, being the nice thing to do and in complete contradiction with the feeling, not at all something an angry god would do.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that being nice may not be a trade, but it can be very hard work because it means as far as possible not giving up on seemingly hopeless cases. Sodom and Gomorrah, as the story goes, were destroyed from outside because not a single righteous person was to be found there. If, as seems to be happening today, an actual member of such a community were to cast judgement on their own, then that would be tantamount to confessing ‘my personal shortcomings are enough to justify ending this entire experiment’. I heard only the other day from an unexpected quarter someone saying that the Earth is capable of wiping out a dysfunctioning civilization and so be it, this is where we are at. This mindset strikes me as itself contributing to the dysfunction, and a far cry from the winning attitude of Stokes and Foakes on the English cricket team.

    The alternative to this self-condemnation would be to say, ‘I am far from perfect, but I am doing my level best to make this work, so if one righteous person makes a difference, I’d like to think it could be me. But by the same token, there are better candidates.’
    The idea of a final sin sanctioned by divine wrath is the logical outcome of original sin. The alternative to anger is pedagogy, to say, okay you made a mistake, but it is not a hanging offence, another time try something different.

    This may sound rather too theoretical. What I can say however, is that, without being particularly nice, I have always found this mindset to be a positive factor in creating a positive collective dynamic, and also in personal matters, notably by reducing the negative effects of unpleasantness. By minimizing the severity of the knocks we receive in life, it makes us more resilient, surely a vital quality to possess in these times when zero tolerance of just about anything is the rule.


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    Avalon Member Orph's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Yeah, well, ..... screw everybody. I'm going to be myself and if you want to hate on me because I'm nice then that's on you. I'm not spiritual. I don't go around saying "peace, bliss, all is love" or other crap like that.

    And yes, if you kick me in the shin, of course I'm going to be pissed off. But overall, I'm going to be nice, civil, courteous, and give people the benefit of the doubt. By nature, I'm more nice guy and less ***hole. Maybe I should bitchslap some of you people and tell you to lighten up. Laugh a little more.

    (Okay, how many of you got the irony and humor of my post?)
    I am enlightened, ............ Oh wait. That's just the police shining their spotlights on me.

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    Netherlands Avalon Member ExomatrixTV's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Imagine we have a (private or public) Project Avalon Forum Thread where only nice people are allowed to write only nice things to each-other .... and the moment it started most likely nobody joins the conversation ... as who decides he or she is actually "nice"? ... based upon what exactly? ... now I know what "nice" means to me personally and what is not nice for me ... but that assessment may differ to everyone else >>> so we face a paradox >>> as what you or I consider "nice" may offend someone else
    • example:
    I consider people who share their unfiltered perspectives as "nicer" than anyone "playing nice" ... sometimes being hilarious & satirical is super nice >>> meanwhile so many may not get that and totally disagree with me.
    • Big chance that any forum-thread where only (assumed) "nice people" may say only nice things is extremely predictable boring to me, maybe for some it is a "save h(e)aven" to rest their troubled Soul.
    Sometimes I really need to hear, read & study "what is not nice for me" because that is how I see myself (spiritually) grow faster <<< and that is nice for me to be able to do that! ... So in essence everything is perspectives & perceptions.

    cheers,
    John 🦜🦋🌳
    Last edited by ExomatrixTV; 16th June 2022 at 18:59.
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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Two most currently commented threads on ‘Spirituality’ PA section:

    Do you believe in God?
    and
    Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    One is a question and other, an answer/ statement.

    Mash them, shall we?
    Do you believe in God (s)? = “They call themselves the guardians of the Galaxy.”
    Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise = “What a bunch of A-holes.”



    A feeling I got

    Have a great day
    Knock Knock

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    Netherlands Avalon Member ExomatrixTV's Avatar
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    Lightbulb Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    I remember working for big company Leen Bakker (22 years ago) selling all kinds of carpets & living-room/kitchen & garden furniture/accessories ... not always the "best quality" and much more for people with a low income ... needless to say after years of experience I was well aware of the flaws of the company products ...

    You know why I was the best salesmen (head of anything that has to do with carpets) also helping other parts of the big store .... I was the best seller, not because I was "nice" towards my company I worked for, I was selling more than anyone else because I told the truth ... why certain products are sht ... and may not last long ... many cheap products (mostly imported from China) have no long-term value and I just explained why I know all of that ... I saw (among others) how many people returned the product with complaints.

    Then building trust with our customers who were comparing prices with other competitive companies to make a decision ... paying a bit more or paying less ... Part of Leen Bakker assortment/inventory can be more expensive but has much better quality ... By being brutally honest towards our customers colleagues assumed I had a "mid life crisis" ... which is hilarious as I was the best salesmen for a specific reason!

    I told the highest manager to replace some of the carpets with more expensive ones (reading their internal catalogue) and let me do the talking ... within months they sold more that 1 million euros extra per year because of it.

    So being "blunt and/or rude" (not being nice) towards the company I worked for was key to build trust with the customers ... some of them repeatedly told my colleagues working in the store that they only want to be helped by me.

    This experience is one of many examples that shows that "playing nice" versus allegedly being "rude" or "blunt" has its own rewards!
    • on a side-note: anything that was & is "more expensive" was & is still cheaper than the vast majority of competitive company selling similar products.
    cheers,
    John 🦜🦋🌳
    Last edited by ExomatrixTV; 16th June 2022 at 17:46.
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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Last edited by ExomatrixTV; 16th June 2022 at 18:29.
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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    In a sense being nice often functions as a bubble. Nice and mimic nice, superficially undifferentiated.

    Bubbles operate like blinders. Firing squads use blinders. Prisoners are often blindfolded, particularly in groups.

    'Politically correct' has an agenda that goes far beyond a governing body wanting its citizens to play nice.

    It can be a set up for future operations of those that created the PC bubble to begin with. Making all potential sitting ducks. Not an advantageous position to be in the world today.
    The altruistic part of me believes many on PA use their efforts to inform others in a kind of 'watch your six'.

    Have this lithograph framed in the hallway. A reminder that no matter how intelligent, we all have a six even when believing our head is on a swivel and see 360.


    1982 SITTING DUCK LITHO BY MICHAEL BEDARD
    Knock Knock

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    Germany Avalon Member Open Minded Dude's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Would be interesting what Asian culture (Chinese, Japanese, etc.) people have to say about this because the niceness and politeness is ingrained in their cultural interactions.

    There is even a whole sociological concept called 'face' (loose face, keep face). I heard about it many years ago when I studied Linguistics because it also has to do with language / communication a lot, of course.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Face_(...gical_concept))

    In Asia many people act 'nicely' and politely on principle so that they do not make others lose their 'face' and also keep their own 'face'.

    As said, if there are any Asian people here who read this I would be interested in your input here.

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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Kindness over niceties all day long.

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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Be truthful in all things, niceness will follow.

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    Germany Avalon Member Michi's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    There is another important aspect to "being nice":
    It's the field of coaching. A "nice" coach wouldn't get anywhere and instead, actually would let the client down and prevent him achieving the goal.
    So, often a tough coach is depicted as a complete **hole.

    Look at some videos of Anthony Robbins where he adresses a sucidial person in the crowd.
    Then you get a good view how to be "nice" in the correct way.
    It has a lot to do with "caring" and making the other stronger.
    Last edited by Michi; 17th June 2022 at 12:08.
    "The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him his own."
    -- Benjamin Disraeli

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    UK Avalon Founder Bill Ryan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Quote Posted by Michi (here)
    It has a lot to do with "caring" and making the other stronger.
    Excellent, thanks. That's a very useful angle on all this.

    If we have a goal to always make the other [spiritually] stronger (and maybe wiser as well, as in responding to a bully or an aggressor), then we each have an internal menu of possible ways of presenting ourselves. That can range from being kind and empathetic to any form of "tough love".

    The latter can extend to something that may seem violent (verbally or physically), as in "teaching someone a lesson" that we hope they may learn.

    But sometimes, instead of reacting ourselves, we should maybe reach out to understand the context of the other person's terrible behavior. Here's a famous true story recounted by author Stephen Covey.

    I remember a mini-paradigm shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly – some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.

    Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

    The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

    It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt like was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

    The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what do think, and I guess they don’t know who to handle it either.”

    Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I thought differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh I’m so sorry! Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.

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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Quote Posted by Bill Ryan (here)
    Quote Posted by Michi (here)
    It has a lot to do with "caring" and making the other stronger.
    Excellent, thanks. That's a very useful angle on all this.

    If we have a goal to always make the other [spiritually] stronger (and maybe wiser as well, as in responding to a bully or an aggressor), then we each have an internal menu of possible ways of presenting ourselves. That can range from being kind and empathetic to any form of "tough love".

    The latter can extend to something that may seem violent (verbally or physically), as in "teaching someone a lesson" that we hope they may learn.

    But sometimes, instead of reacting ourselves, we should maybe reach out to understand the context of the other person's terrible behavior. Here's a famous true story recounted by author Stephen Covey.

    I remember a mini-paradigm shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly – some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.

    Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

    The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

    It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt like was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

    The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what do think, and I guess they don’t know who to handle it either.”

    Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I thought differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh I’m so sorry! Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.
    Thank you for sharing that experience, Bill. Great reminder. Reminder of what? Depends on where the reader, the observer is.

    David Foster Wallace‘s 2005 commencement speech to the graduating class at Kenyon College with his amazing observation and writing skills touches on this throughout.

    The whole speech is worth reflecting on. Adding just a snippet here for brevity:

    Quote ......and if I don’t make a conscious decision about how to think and what to pay attention to, I’m gonna be pissed and miserable every time I have to shop. Because my natural default setting is the certainty that situations like this are really all about me. About MY hungriness and MY fatigue and MY desire to just get home, and it’s going to seem for all the world like everybody else is just in my way. And who are all these people in my way? And look at how repulsive most of them are, and how stupid and cow-like and dead-eyed and nonhuman they seem in the checkout line, or at how annoying and rude it is that people are talking loudly on cell phones in the middle of the line. And look at how deeply and personally unfair this is.
    Speech and video are worth visiting from time-to-time.



    Transcript

    “This is water.”

    “This is water.”
    Knock Knock

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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    ..being nice is just one of the ways we learn to attract attention as children
    of course being naughty is also effective
    being clever/talented, or being funny are popular too
    i believe what works as children continues to be employed in adult life where it gets perfected
    personally, clever, naughty and funny was my thing..worked really well at school...
    the common link is gaining attention for our inner needy child

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    Great Britain Avalon Member Mari's Avatar
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    Default Re: Being nice all the time is not being spiritual, or wise

    Quote Posted by ian33 (here)
    ..being nice is just one of the ways we learn to attract attention as children
    of course being naughty is also effective
    being clever/talented, or being funny are popular too
    i believe what works as children continues to be employed in adult life where it gets perfected
    personally, clever, naughty and funny was my thing..worked really well at school...
    the common link is gaining attention for our inner needy child

    Oh yes, I concur with that one. I learned as a child to be 'nice' in order to keep the parental and societal wolves at bay. I was a 'yes' person. I used deprecating humour to get out of dodgy situations (bullying) and I was rather good at that.

    In my middle years I woke up to the fact that a lot of the people around me acted 'nice' but their actions betrayed them, and like my old self, they were simply hiding a lot of 'rejection' pain.
    These days, I've learned to speak my mind when called for and damn the consequences and I found that by doing so, I was giving permission for the recipient to be their own authentic self if they chose to do so. It opens an honest dialogue between people, sans veneer.
    Last edited by Mari; 17th June 2022 at 20:22.

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