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    Serbia Avalon Member XelNaga's Avatar
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    Default Heartbreak

    Hello dear Friends,

    So, a silly topic, I know. There are so many serious and dangerous things happening in the world right know. Many people have serious personal problems. But I would still like to hear your comments.

    How do you deal with heartbreak?

    I haven't fallen in love for some 12-14 years. It's weird for someone my age, I know, but I have started young to meditate, do energy work, research conspiracies and reality (or illusion) of our existence etc., and have decided that in this day and age I would rather not have children. And it was like that all this time. My heart was open for everyone and everything, except for romance.

    Yeah, well, it all changed a while ago. I have met this girl, this amazing girl. The very first moment that I looked into her eyes, I was donne. It's ridiculous. My friend who was with me, we know each other for 27 years, said that he has never seen something like that before, he said that at that very second, my face and my eyes changed. We are a perfect match, so to speak. When we went on a date, it was like we have known each other our whole lives. We spent some 9-10 hours together that day, and there was not a second of silence. That was one of the best days of my life.

    Anyway, to cut the long story short, she threw all of that away, changed her behaviour towards me completely, and got back with her ex (guy cheated on her like crazy, but she still loves him). I like to say that she threw me away like a trash

    All my balance that I have worked for all these years is gonne, destroyed in a matter of days. I'm embarassed to admit it

    So, how does someone deal with **** like this? If you have some advice, I would love to hear it. I have gonne crazy

    Thanks friends..

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    Australia Moderator Harmony's Avatar
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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Sorry to hear of your pain XelNaga . Perhaps if you just let it be for now, and if it is really meant to be that you should be together, she will realise it in time her current boyfriend is not the right person to be with. Maybe just let her know you wish her every happiness and you will be there for her if she needs to talk.

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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Quote Posted by XelNaga (here)
    Hello dear Friends,

    So, a silly topic, I know. There are so many serious and dangerous things happening in the world right know. Many people have serious personal problems. But I would still like to hear your comments.

    How do you deal with heartbreak?

    I haven't fallen in love for some 12-14 years. It's weird for someone my age, I know, but I have started young to meditate, do energy work, research conspiracies and reality (or illusion) of our existence etc., and have decided that in this day and age I would rather not have children. And it was like that all this time. My heart was open for everyone and everything, except for romance.

    Yeah, well, it all changed a while ago. I have met this girl, this amazing girl. The very first moment that I looked into her eyes, I was donne. It's ridiculous. My friend who was with me, we know each other for 27 years, said that he has never seen something like that before, he said that at that very second, my face and my eyes changed. We are a perfect match, so to speak. When we went on a date, it was like we have known each other our whole lives. We spent some 9-10 hours together that day, and there was not a second of silence. That was one of the best days of my life.

    Anyway, to cut the long story short, she threw all of that away, changed her behaviour towards me completely, and got back with her ex (guy cheated on her like crazy, but she still loves him). I like to say that she threw me away like a trash

    All my balance that I have worked for all these years is gonne, destroyed in a matter of days. I'm embarassed to admit it

    So, how does someone deal with **** like this? If you have some advice, I would love to hear it. I have gonne crazy

    Thanks friends..
    Dear XelNaga,
    You are experiencing grief. Understandable grief. Deep grief that may take time to heal.
    For now, allow yourself to feel what you feel, when you are in circumstances where that's possible.
    Learn about the process of grief to help you understand it.
    There will be energetic cords that disconnect, triggering emotions that may at times flood you, which can make you feel unbalanced.
    But all that balance you once had, all the work you've done regarding yourself, is still there.
    Be kind and patient with yourself. Become understanding of yourself like you would with a best friend.
    Oftentimes, the experiences of great suffering afford us the opportunity for our greatest soul growth.
    Listen within, and trust your inner self.

    My heart goes out to you. And I understand.
    Surrounding you with love, peace, and comfort.
    Last edited by edina; 19th September 2022 at 14:00.

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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Hi, thank you for sharing your experience. I don't know that there is any way to deal with it other than to experience it and be very present to what exactly it is that is responding within you to her actions. Your work over a lifetime has brought you to a space of beingness where you are a conscious and active participant in life and you know (theoretically it sounds like, until now) the value of heartache and experience as a way to open yourself to life and now love.

    The promise that you felt with her, the exhilaration and the joy, came from someplace within you that is inviolate and boundless. Her absence and addiction to her past gives you an understanding of where she is and what she has to deal with in her life. It would be easy to shut back down now and to reject love if you associate it with her particularly from now on. Your choices at this juncture of the experience are critical. Can you feel compassion for her reality? For the fact that her pain-body has left her addicted to a type of rejection and trauma that resonates in her life experience to the extent that she gave up what sounds like an amazing, nascent relationship to return to what has been painful and difficult for her?

    Know that you are never alone in this, that we all know how you feel and what you are going through right now. Our hearts open to you as yours opened to her and we, the love that is life, hold you close in shared experience and tender, universal love.

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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    XEL NAGA

    This is a wonderful post, not trite, and who gives a crap about all the serious stuff going on. This is love, passion and heartbreak.

    Thank you for bringing this to the forum as I feel we need to see and remember we are human beings, emotional and loving and we have personal problems to weather and real and true upsets.

    Nothing I will or can say will make you feel better. Its dreadful , and a part of you dies within. All I can say is that you probably came with her to this earth realm to do this dance.We live in a reality of opposites , and nothing remains equal. Someone always seems to hold the cards over the other.

    If he cheats on her, and she knows it and still wants him, thats hard to overcome for you because no matter how good you are, she doesnt feel she is worth more than what he does to her. I have been through it.

    I know this wont help but feel the loss and the pain, hold your head up and know its not you, you are perfect as you are. In time it may change and you both may be ready to come together.
    By then, you may not even care

    This life really tests us.
    love and blessings from all of us

    pd

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    Serbia Avalon Member XelNaga's Avatar
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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Damn guys, thank you so much for your kind, and as always, very wise words.

    I know we have never met, and probably will never meet in person, but I really consider you as my friends.

    I was ashamed of posting this thread, felt a little bit stupid, but I'm glad I did.

    I know you are right, and there is a reason for everything that happens. I even know the reason why this happened to me, I have already learned some lessons from this and have changed myself for the better.

    But damn, it still hurts like hell. There was even some physical pain in my heart for a couple of days, hahaha, I didn't know it was possible, haha.. I'm simply amazed how something like this could happen to me, especially after so much work put into balancing oneself, it's ridiculous. But hey, we are all human after all.

    Thank you friends, you gave me a lot to think about...

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    United States Avalon Member Denise/Dizi's Avatar
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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    I hate to write this but I will.. Please remember... This is just my opinion...

    I have a different take on love than most. For me, loving someone unconditionally, means it is unconditional.

    The love for them, means I love them even if they are with another... I want the best for them in regards to their own wishes in life, whether it included me or not. What you, in my opinion, are actually experiencing is the loss of something in your own life that you lacked, that they fulfilled for you. Once that is gone, you feel it was the love that you lost. I disagree... it was that element that you found lacking...

    Its my experience that you must fully love yourself, and be happy with yourself, before you can begin to try to give another unconditional love... Otherwise you will be looking to them to fill those voids for you... And get hurt when they do not... Either love is conditional or it is not. For most, love is absolutely conditional, even if they do not believe it is..

    Perhaps it was that feeling of being "in sync" with another, feeling appreciated, understood, respected... or that they expressed genuine concern for you... Once you get past the point of believing that someone else can alter who you are, or what you need, to feel validated within yourself, THEN you can love freely... You must meet all of those expectations yourself, so you are not reliant on another to fulfill those things, or surely you will be eventually disappointed...

    You are not truly expressing what unconditional love is, as if you were, it would not bring you sadness, they moved on to make themselves happy, which if you truly loved them, you would celebrate.

    Essentially you must love yourself unconditionally first... Take care of your own needs first.. Not desires, but needs... And then you can truly enter a relationship with zero expectations from the other and allow that to grow... and go where it may.

    We are born into this life alone, and we leave it alone.. It is up to ourselves to make sure we are complete, no one else.

    I would seek to find what it was that your relationship with her, actually brought into your life that you were lacking.. and focus on fixing that in your own life... Making sure you provided that for yourself first.

    At that point love is easy... Most believe they need another to "Complete them"... This is not true.. If you are complete, as are they, you can then enjoy life together without expectations from one another, and anything extra becomes a gift... Does this make sense?
    Last edited by Denise/Dizi; 20th September 2022 at 00:54.

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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Denise

    very insightful and i pretty much agree. In relating to the o p i felt a bit advanced thinking for my response at the time. there are steps and stages in this journey.
    you are so 100% correct in that it has to be true self love first. and that is not easily attained. but it is the only true answer there can be.
    romantic love entails desires and desires change in an uneven manner.
    perhaps that is why i have avoided romantic love for quite some time. im not very good at it

    we come here alone and leave alone truly answers it.

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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Quote Posted by thepainterdoug (here)
    Denise

    very insightful and i pretty much agree. In relating to the o p i felt a bit advanced thinking for my response at the time. there are steps and stages in this journey.
    you are so 100% correct in that it has to be true self love first. and that is not easily attained. but it is the only true answer there can be.
    romantic love entails desires and desires change in an uneven manner.
    perhaps that is why i have avoided romantic love for quite some time. im not very good at it

    we come here alone and leave alone truly answers it.
    Romantic issues are something else entirely... I cannot imagine that you would have issues with such things... you strike me as a very kind, compassionate, attentive individual who doesn't have "hang ups".

    I am guessing the issue is on the other end in your case hahaha.
    Last edited by Denise/Dizi; 20th September 2022 at 13:53.

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    Serbia Avalon Member XelNaga's Avatar
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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Quote Posted by Denise/Dizi (here)
    I hate to write this but I will.. Please remember... This is just my opinion...

    I have a different take on love than most. For me, loving someone unconditionally, means it is unconditional.

    The love for them, means I love them even if they are with another... I want the best for them in regards to their own wishes in life, whether it included me or not. What you, in my opinion, are actually experiencing is the loss of something in your own life that you lacked, that they fulfilled for you. Once that is gone, you feel it was the love that you lost. I disagree... it was that element that you found lacking...

    Its my experience that you must fully love yourself, and be happy with yourself, before you can begin to try to give another unconditional love... Otherwise you will be looking to them to fill those voids for you... And get hurt when they do not... Either love is conditional or it is not. For most, love is absolutely conditional, even if they do not believe it is..

    Perhaps it was that feeling of being "in sync" with another, feeling appreciated, understood, respected... or that they expressed genuine concern for you... Once you get past the point of believing that someone else can alter who you are, or what you need, to feel validated within yourself, THEN you can love freely... You must meet all of those expectations yourself, so you are not reliant on another to fulfill those things, or surely you will be eventually disappointed...

    You are not truly expressing what unconditional love is, as if you were, it would not bring you sadness, they moved on to make themselves happy, which if you truly loved them, you would celebrate.

    Essentially you must love yourself unconditionally first... Take care of your own needs first.. Not desires, but needs... And then you can truly enter a relationship with zero expectations from the other and allow that to grow... and go where it may.

    We are born into this life alone, and we leave it alone.. It is up to ourselves to make sure we are complete, no one else.

    I would seek to find what it was that your relationship with her, actually brought into your life that you were lacking.. and focus on fixing that in your own life... Making sure you provided that for yourself first.

    At that point love is easy... Most believe they need another to "Complete them"... This is not true.. If you are complete, as are they, you can then enjoy life together without expectations from one another, and anything extra becomes a gift... Does this make sense?
    Hi Denise/Dizi,

    Amazing post, thank you so much. It makes so much sense, I feel that all you said is true, every single word.

    Well, I guess it shows that all that work that I have done wasn't enough, far from it. I know what should be done.

    This life is so hard and demanding, yet so interesting and so rewarding.

    Thank you my friend..

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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Wow! There is extraordinary truth, wisdom, empathy, and compassion in every one of these replies. I am sure the posts that follow will be just as insightful. Thank you XelNaga for giving us this opportunity.

    We are a remarkable tribe.
    Happiness comes from within, nowhere else.

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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    XelNaga

    you started off you post saying, " So, a silly topic I know." And I am so happy to see how much this post mattered to people on this forum. This forum has range in such far reaching directions and dimensions.
    It is good to see your recognition of things said here, although no cure for your heartache, you know there are friends who have been there and have love and care for you.
    On a personal level, the best help for my aching soul has been the NDE,s I have studied. The Jeff Mara podcast is excellent in all things human and beyond that I listen to most every night.
    There are two kinds of people i now identify: those who view this life as the entire thing, where we need to be the winners, amass the signs of success etc and fear our impending and inevitable death, and those who see this life as a journey chosen by them to experience this duality before we return home. I was the first, I am now the latter.
    I hope I didn't take this topic off course . Good luck to you.

    Denise, maybe I should start a Dougs love life page! lol

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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Quote Posted by XelNaga (here)
    How do you deal with heartbreak?
    It sounds trite to say 'I know you how you feel' losing this girl, but truly, I do know you how you feel because an almost identical thing happened to me.

    I felt compelled to answer in depth, maybe because I need to get this off my own chest. I recently experienced a different type of heartbreak, but it brought some other stuff to the surface, like what it means to lose, to be bereft of something you hold, or held, most specially dear, and what it means to survive the aftermath. I've never told this story before, but here it is.

    It was 18 years ago now. This girl - and I'll call her Amy - was a new employee at the place I was working at the time, and the moment I saw her, the moment I looked into her eyes, I went to some other place. It was an incredibly powerful experience. I mean life altering. I've never felt it or known it before with anyone. It really wasn't about the face or the body or any of that (although those were all very nice too!), it was the eyes that did for me. The only word I have for it is "wow".

    However, she was in a relationship (of course she was), but I was singularly determined like I had never been before (or since) to win her.

    I played it carefully from day to day. I didn't go after her, I didn't cling to her or bother her, I barely even spoke to her. That was hard to do, it was a busy work environment and people were around all the time. Amy was what I would call a social butterfly, extremely popular with everyone, especially with the guys - competition was fierce. She was a decade younger than me, so I knew I stood little chance, probably no chance. She was just out of my league. But something told me this was different. I was different. I don't know how, or why, I just was. Whenever I was in her presence I was different. I felt...light. Buoyantly light. I'd never experienced that sensation before. It really was something else.

    I proceeded carefully, keeping my eyes and ears open. I soon came to discover that her boyfriend was a total douchebag, borderline criminal too. Why oh why do nice girls like this always chose ***holes? And he hit her, frequently! Once, he even came into the workplace during a nightshift to 'check on her' (translation: send a message to her co-workers that she was taken). He was a big, nasty bastard, and I certainly couldn't take him on. I continued to stay watchful and keep my head down.

    At this time, however, she was just some girl I fancied, and a lot. That was all though. Her smile, her laugh, those unbelievable green eyes, like two bright emeralds - I was spellbound, but not in love. That never actually occurred to me because I didn't know what that was, even though at the time I was in my thirties. I'd always been a loner - maybe a bit like you, and had little romantic experience.

    Everything changed one afternoon on the golf course with a work buddy. While lining up a shot on the fairway he mentioned that that evening he was going into town for a few beers with two or three people from work - one of them was Amy. What? I learned he had gotten hold of her number and invited her. I didn't have her number, so why did he have her number? Did I mention competition was fierce? If I wanted to acquaint myself more closely with her I had to up my game, get in on the action, so to speak - and this was my chance. So I threw caution to the wind and 'invited' myself to this little get together. I offered to be designated driver. That was my 'in'. No more sitting idly in the background 'waiting for an opportunity'. I had to make that opportunity. For the first time in my life I was going on the front foot with a girl.

    The arrangements were made. I would pick up my friend (the golf buddy) at 7.30pm and drive to the nightclub. I didn't yet know Amy had no idea that I was going to be there. I'd never seen her out of work before. What would she look like? What would she be wearing? How would she be, you know, away from work? I'd never seen her in a casual environment, or in anything but her dull work uniform (we worked at an airport). I remember that drive. I rehearsed and rehearsed what I was going to say and how I was going to act. The weirdest feeling was the butterflies. No girl, before or since, has given me butterflies just thinking about her. One thing I did not consider, at the time, was whether her boyfriend would be there. It never even entered my mind. No idea why. I guess I was existing on pure adrenaline - no time for rational thoughts. I had tunnel vision and my only focus was her.

    [I was going to make this 'a long story short' conclusion, but I felt like I wanted to, or needed to, tell it all. I've never put this to words before. It's sort of therapeutic. Anyway, I digress...]

    I remember that night like it was yesterday. It's engraved in my memory like ultra powerful memories are. When I close my eyes I'm right back there. The lead up, and immediately afterwards are a bit vague, like that special Christmas Day as a kid that you recall so fondly - but you don't remember Christmas Eve at all, or the day after, only Christmas Day. What was about to take place was like all my Christmas Days condensed into one moment.

    We arrived a few minutes late at the club. I assumed everyone else was already inside. The club was located on the second floor. I have a crystal clear recollection climbing those stairs, their deep red carpet, my buddy following, and the music gradually getting louder and louder. I still remember the song that was playing - some dance number that I'd never cared for or paid any attention to until that moment. Whenever I hear it on the radio today I'm instantly back on those stairs. By now the butterflies had flapped up a storm in my stomach; I was probably red-faced and sweating, too - purely because she was inside, somewhere, and I was moments away from seeing her.

    Where would she be? It suddenly occurred to me she wouldn't be alone. How did I expect to chat her up? Even if that opportunity did present itself, what the hell was I going to say?! I'm a total wuss when it comes to this stuff. Even if I managed to get anything out it was bound to sound stupid or cliched... A sort of panic seized me. I had blundered into this strange situation with little thought or planning. What was I doing? She'd have her boyfriend with her anyway, so I was kidding myself! All I was going to find here was disappointment. More than likely I was going to make myself look, or at least feel, like a complete twat. I'd probably get off one "hello, nice to see you," have a beer and that will be that. For about 15 seconds, as these thoughts flitted through my mind, I was filled with a sense of melancholy. But then something happened.

    I reached the top of the stairs, and was confronted with a large, lively crowd of 'boozy revellers'. I was never much of a reveller or a boozer. I had long retired from the saturday night party scene. That was years behind me, so I felt a little out of place. I was the wrong side of 30, and all these other people were not (including Amy). But it was too late to turn back now!

    The coloured lights were flashing, the music blaring, and people milling around everywhere...then everything slowed down. Time itself literally slowed down, at least my perception of it. Like the Red Sea a passage opened up between the revellers. Dead ahead about twenty feet away I saw our group. And there was Amy.

    She turned around and saw me. She didn't see my golf buddy at all, she saw me. And she flew right up to me, an unbelievable smile on her face. It was one of delight and huge surprise. "Look at you in your leather jacket," she said grabbing at the leather and touching it - she'd never seen me away from work either. "I didn't know you were coming tonight!" She looked like a million dollars. And damn, that smile... and those eyes. As they looked up at me, and I looked down into them, that was it. That was the moment I knew I was in love.

    The night was a blur after that. All I remember was that she seemed to be as pleased to be in my company as I was in hers. Her boyfriend never appeared.

    My natural shyness dissolved over night, and the next day I called her. That single phone conversation lasted four hours. I'd never had a four hour phone conversation before, and haven't had one since. I've no idea what we talked about.

    A short while after, she split from her abusive boyfriend. I don't feel guilty for playing a part in that. It tore me up how he treated her. It was hard for her to break from that situation. I totally understood that. He was insanely possessive and very jealous. I don't mind saying he scared me to death actually. Fortunately nothing bad happened, and I didn't have to wait long until we went on our first date, and to the very same club as before - this time just me and her. No exaggeration, that was a magical night - one, I might add, that she offered to end with 'a little bit more magic' back at her place, if you get my meaning. I'm a bit old fashioned, so declined. I wasn't in any rush. Besides, lust was not a factor - even though she was plenty gorgeous it just wasn't. For the first time in my life I'd thought I'd found my soul mate.

    And boy, because I was dating Amy I'd like to say I got some jealous looks (and comments) from my colleagues. So I will: I got some seriously jealous looks and comments from my workmates. That made me feel wonderful. Just for change I was the guy that other guys envied!

    The rest of that summer was amazing. No other period in my life comes close. If I died today and God asked me, "so what did you like best?" I'd answer immediately, "Amy and the summer of 2004."

    Of course it didn't last. I will have to wrap this up, this post is already way too long.

    She cheated with that abusive knuckle-dragging asshat that was her ex, and ended up going back to him. I've no idea why. His persuasion, her susceptibility to it - I don't know. I reached the conclusion she'd rather be treated like dirt, than a diamond. I've seen it many times actually, and I do not understand it. I don't mind saying, I have absolutely no clue whatsoever what makes women tick. Their minds are Gordion Knots to me. I cannot figure them out. I would have given Amy every thing I had, but she turned it all down for an ***hole. I was thrown on the trash - just like you, my friend. I have since made that place my home. I've been there ever since.

    I had to work alongside her after that for nearly a year until she moved on to a different job. Suffice to say that was a year of hell. Not tumultuous, as in we fought all the time. We didn't fight at all. It was extremely amicable, because I insisted on it. She was all, "I'm sorry, but I did have a lot of fun," and I was like, "sure, never mind..." I bit down on my devastation and pretended everything was fine - pretended that it was, as she put it, 'just a fling'.

    For me it wasn't a fling. It was the love of my life. Emotionally, I was ruined.

    Heartbreak and how to deal with it? I don't know. I didn't deal with it for a long time. I sulked, badly, for six months at least. Even now, rarely a day goes by when I don't think about her. And I stay in touch, actually. Every single year I text her on her birthday and at Christmas, and sometimes she texts back. After me she had it hard. Lots of relationship heartaches of her own. In fact once or twice she reached out to me and made advances to the tune of maybe trying again. Part of me yearned for it, another, and the wiser part, said no, don't do it, you'd only be setting yourself for yet more pain. So I did not rise to it. I was second prize after all. I didn't want to be second prize, because they're not that valuable and they usually end up in the trash - again. I didn't want to experience the same heartache twice. Once was more than enough.
    "When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace."
    ~ Jimi Hendrix

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    Avalon Member Hym's Avatar
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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Quote Posted by XelNaga (here)
    Hello dear Friends,

    When we went on a date, it was like we have known each other our whole lives. We spent some 9-10 hours together that day, and there was not a second of silence. That was one of the best days of my life.

    Anyway, to cut the long story short, she threw all of that away, changed her behaviour towards me completely, and got back with her ex (guy cheated on her like crazy, but she still loves him). I like to say that she threw me away like a trash
    ", and there was not a second of silence." That says it all for me.

    Walking in the great colors we soak up together, of being able to hear a heartbeat, ours and then the real sounds of those close to us....these experiences cannot be found in speech.

    How many of us are so good at talking that we either don't know the value of listening and silence, or we are caught in this quick back and forth exchange that truly shares very little about the worth we could have by being together. Talking is often the great interference, the noise that is the biggest deception, almost a guarantee of loss.

    Listening, now therein live the answers, as even listening to the words we share with others, along with our own voices.. is a good start. Yes, we can listen while talking, until we don't need to talk anymore.


    How many can recall the rhythm of all the different heartbeats, the breaths, the smells, the tastes....Mmmmm, the tastes.....the up close and very personal in our lives? I know it's called silence, but in these bodies it carries the lasting loves ....

    Listening in silence together is the proof of worth, of longevity, of future explorations....together. Silence is a deeper acceptance of others and ourselves. It is a strength we should understand, because it is much harder to hide intention and lack of character, even honesty, when listening.

    She has likely done this to men before.
    It's not that you both had so much in common, or that you had such an intense exchange, initially. She was soaking you up with none to little care or honest exchange for you. In this case your intentions were very different, and it should by now at least be clear for you to see that women too, just as with the stereotype and impersonality of some men, and often more intensely, can be the most calculating and inhumane towards those they hunt to use, not to grow with, and from.

    I've found so many men turn to a callous disregard for their own growth, in a "migtow/mgtow/men going their own way" way, that removes the possibility of mutual loving and living with women, when they find out how so many women have a 2nd, a 3rd, even a 4th option for engagement with men. That runs deeper, even in a survival mode, than many men acknowledge....all judgements aside. Many reasons, but no excuses worthy enough to note.

    It's the nature of the beasts that don't have the power of spirit to be honest with others, and who accept thru mimicking examples or in acceptance of the emotional fatality of their own worth from the unacknowledged abuse they survived, that the only self empowerment they can find is in controlling others. Love is not control, not ever.

    I talk of this as understanding the motivations for such hurtful callousness and then recognizing it as it shows itself, before you are hurt, is important. No need to get bummed by it. Just move on and believe you deserve better, in strengthening yourself and in finding that compatibility with another.

    Some call the need for that intimacy a weakness. That makes me laugh, because it is just such a thing that lives at the core of many of these human experiences and gives value to living.

    Your experience tells me that there is a depth of emotion, of spirit in you that has not been lived up to. Consider it's possible positive effects on your life and your life's meaning, it's real worth, as you clearly engage in all of the other activities and even passions that put connection and this thing called Love closer to your Heart, the record of really living.

    Your expression of vulnerability here and seeking answers is a very powerful strength of character.
    Last edited by Hym; 20th September 2022 at 16:59.

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    United States Avalon Member thepainterdoug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Mark/ this was a great telling of this upsetting event. I read it all, and thank you for sharing it. I can relate so well.
    I will refrain from comment until others have read and responded
    pd

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    United States Avalon Member Mike's Avatar
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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Mark, that easily qualifies as post of the year. What a brilliant telling of such a heart-breaking event. What a great post!

    Women are attracted to competence and a capacity for danger. It's biologically hardwired. When women are younger they can easily confuse a psychopaths' outward bravado with true competence. And they will also tolerate his brutishness and bullying because, despite it's unpleasantness, it demonstrates a capacity for danger. It's why women tend to make the same mistakes with the same type of guy over and over again in their youth before finally sorting it all out around their 30's and 40's. That's my observation anyway. It seems like Amy was following that same cycle.

    Loving with one's heart fully open is a mixed blessing. You leave yourself open to the most wondrous and most hellish consequences all at once. But, it's the only way to do it as far as I'm concerned. And I say this as someone who has paid the price terribly for loving fully. It can potentially destroy you, but you have to do it anyway - it's the whole point of being human!

    How to handle heartbreak? Well you don't ever really handle heartbreak. It handles you. This won't be very encouraging, but the reality is this: there's very little you can do about it.

    The grief that accompanies heartbreak is simply overwhelming. You have to allow yourself to feel it, but you can't feel it fully all of the time. That'll cripple you completely. So, you have to pick and choose your spots. Meanwhile, distract yourself as best as you can with various activities...preferably stuff that will wear you out, like running or working out etc.

    Emotions, both bad and good, require energy to fully express themselves. When you wear yourself out with an activity you not only distract yourself from what's troubling you but you also exhaust your energy supply productively, leaving less available to express as grief.

    So you do that...and then you wait. How long? Weeks, months, maybe years even. But what you'll find is this: even though the pain is all-consuming now, it will eventually wane. It seems impossible now, but it will happen. It'll affect you less and less as time passes. And then, one day, you'll wake up and not give a single f#ck about any of it. And if you're anything like me you'll regret all the time you wasted grieving it all! But it is a necessary process, sadly.

    In short, you'll get past it all. It just takes time. Meanwhile, endure. You're gonna be OK eventually
    Last edited by Mike; 20th September 2022 at 17:58.
    RETIRED.

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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Great thread XelNaga brate!

    Regarding the topic, I don't have any smart advice, except that time heals all wounds. We are here for the experience, both good and bad, and we have to accept it that way. Don't let this event discourage you, stay open to true love, it will appear when you least expect it.
    The same thing happened to me but with a happy ending (at least for now haha ) I can't understand women who "trick" a man into falling in love like that and then reject him. Is it an ego game or what, I really don't know, but it's cruel. She still has a lot to learn and is clearly no match for you.

    PS I must say that Mark delighted me with his post - you should write romance novels, you have a gift for it..
    Is every mind connected to form a peer to peer network that creates the illusion of a shared reality, making the appearance of material reality a simulation created through shared beliefs?

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    Default Re: Heartbreak


    Something like that happened to me fairly recently, except it had elements that made it a lot worse. My world was destroyed and I was crushed. At the same time I learned a very hard lesson in the difference between infatuation and love. I don't think I have dealt with it properly ever, and have just been left disillusioned with the idea of having a relationship with someone. So I don't have much to offer, except that part where through retrospection you can try to find that clear line between infatuation and love -- its most often an extremely blurry line, and the blurriness can cause a world of pain.

    Clear communication, and patience are extremely valuable tools for a relationship I think, but I'm probably not the best person to be giving advice on that topic, lol. Not even sure now why I responded except to say "me too!" ... lol.
    Last edited by DeDukshyn; 20th September 2022 at 23:19.
    When you are one step ahead of the crowd, you are a genius.
    Two steps ahead, and you are deemed a crackpot.

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    United States Avalon Member thepainterdoug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    There is a power in beauty.
    Speaking strictly from my male side, I have seen and witnessed every theme and variation of the male/ female dance.
    Its beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time. Looks beauty and symmetry are powerful. I expressed the loss of our face in my series State of Grace, portraits of burn survivors. www.dougauld.com

    Example/ The gal sitting at the bar who is stunningly beautiful says, I have a headache, and every guy, bartended etc, jumps at the opportunity to offer help,
    OMG can I help, would a cold compress help?
    The same situation with an unattractive woman and not the same reaction. Thats us! Humans doing what humans do. Its not fair, never has been. We are about the body until we catch on to the game so to speak. And even then , we are not free of it.

    I recently had a beautiful young woman show up at my door to sing a demo for me. She was 22 and mesmerizing. I cannot tell you how my eggs were scrambled over this. She was flirtatious, but then again not, I couldn't really read her and struggled with something that was not expected or planned.
    It brought up so many memories of lost loves I gues I needed to bury.

    I took it in a romantic direction while she saw an opportunity. No one was wrong. She used her advantages. Youth and beauty.

    Nothing really happened but something did. It sent me in another direction, has me contemplating where I am at and whats to come for me at 69 years old.

    How could it have worked ,whatever that means?? Sex and love making would have made it worse . Im happy rationality prevailed.

    The insect the Mayfly has the shortest life window. Its born, flies in the air and mates, and then dies within a day. And the process repeats over and over.

    A day, a week , a month, a year, whats the difference?

    love to hear from the women on this from their perspective as well?

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    Default Re: Heartbreak

    Just a tidbit from this woman. I am the female version of the op. I have been thrown away so many times. I have been used, abused, trashed and discarded. How did I get over heartbreak? I learned to see it as the otherís flaw not mine. I learned to spiritually understand who I am and why I do not fit into the mould. Time was on my side and healed me as well as stone cold honesty and a lot of hard work. My best advice for heartbreak? Get a dog! Not a puppy, but a mature, abandoned, rescue dog. They understand the depth of your pain immensely. They give in balance to what you give to the relationship and then some. You canít go wrong with a dog.
    Last edited by heretogrow; 21st September 2022 at 01:46.

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