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    Spain Avalon Member Javblanc's Avatar
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    Default Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

    Some years ago I was diagnosed with a disease I had suffered since I was a child but which I did not know it was a disease. I simply suffered from it believing that it was part of my way of being. (This leads me to remark to those of you who are parents: if you notice that your child is gloomy, get him/her to a psychologist: probably he/she is suffering because of a mental illness.) This disease is called "Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder" (OCD for friends). When my mind is not occupied in something, it chooses to imagine terrible scenarios, that cause me panic because I judge them possible. I know it only depends on my will. But unfortunately my will has its own opinion about it and it seems not to depend completely on me. As a child, I imagined with terror that I was unable to walk ... and was paralyzed. If I heard about the dangers of rising blood pressure, I panicked and I myself caused a rise in tension. At school, I imagined being rejected by my classmates, and unconsciously, unable to avoid it, I managed to make myself unbearable in their eyes. When I think of any risk, I put all my effort to provoke the damage I fear. I thought that I should hate myself for some mysterious reason and that I wanted to kill myself. By the end of my studies, this state of affairs had simply become unbearable. I could not live like this for the rest of my life, I told myself, and I thought it would be convenient to shorten it as much as possible. I was (and still am within my limitations) a devout Christian, and suicide was a great sin, I believed. However, after a fierce internal struggle, despair won the battle. At that time I was studying Law, but I found it insipid, and since I had been very fond of reading and writing since I was a child (it was the subterfuge I found to avoid my uncontrollable self-destructive thoughts), I decided to give myself one last chance on behalf of that hobby of mine. I talked to God, as I used to, and I said "Look, I can not stand it anymore; if you don't give me an incentive to live, I'll give up." And then I remembered the literary contest I had participated in recently, and I did something terrible: I "blackmailed" God, I gave Him an ultimatum: "If I win that contest", I said, "I will have an incentive to keep fighting". In the meantime, I began to make preparations for my discreet leaving through the back door, because I had no hope of winning. Then a book caught my attention in a shop window: "Life after life" by Dr. Raymond Moody.
    By the time I finished reading the book, I felt still as bad as when I started it, but I did not want to take my own life anymore. I wanted to learn more about that strange experience called NDE, and I read other books that dealt with the same subject (Dr. Moody had published his book in 1975 and caused such a commotion among the medical class that many of his colleagues followed in his wake, so when I read his book there was already a lot of literature about NDE). All corroborated the study conducted by Dr. Moody. "So there really is an Afterlife!", I thought. And, well, for a desperate person, an Afterlife is the closest thing to a hope; so I abandoned my intention to take my life. I knew it would be a hard life; it would not be the happy life enjoyed by the people around me. Oh, but after this life, I expected another! And after all, I could use this life -even if it was a sad one- to do something positive, something that would be useful to others. At that time I didn't even remember the contest. So imagine my surprise when I received a call telling me I had win.
    The contest was intended to find young people with talent for scriptwriting, so I started to make a living as a screenwriter on different television channels. That allowed me to fulfill my promise to dedicate myself to helping the disadvantaged: I kept what I needed to live and dedicated the rest to collaborating in charities. I also volunteered to help people with disabilities. At that time, things hardly attributable to chance began to happen to me. Among them, the one that struck me the most was encountering the girl I had met ten years ago, when I was about thirteen years old and my sister came home in the company of a classmate… But this is another story.

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    United States Moderator Sue (Ayt)'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

    Javblanc - Your description of OCD is really good for giving insight as to what it is like, for those of us trying to understand it in our loved ones.
    Would love to hear more insights from you as to why it happens, and how it can be handled.
    Thanks!
    "We're all bozos on this bus"

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    Australia Avalon Member RatRodRob...RRR's Avatar
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    Default Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

    Hi Jav how ya goin...

    OCD comes in two different kinds, you have "Obsessive", which is what you suffer from, this is a absolute terror to live with, especially if you dont know WTF is wrong with you.

    The other kind is "Compulsive" ,this is the more commonly known one, this makes the sufferer unable to stop checking that the stove is turned off, or you keep goin back and forth from your car and your front door, unable to stop checking that you locked the door, there are a million things people do compulsively with OCD, but the main compulsion is "Hand Washing", a hundred times a day for some, terrified of germs, often using a new bar of soap everytime, and using a different towel everytime.

    I like you have OCD, i also suffer from the same kind, Obsessive.

    Witnessing the absolute mess of a birth of my first child, the hospital made serious blunders, my wife went without any pain killers for 18 hrs straight trying to deliver a baby that should have been cesarean, i was helpless, my wife was begging me to kill her, two Drs trying to pull my child out with forceps, finally giving my wife pain relief, epidural. it took 3 more hrs for my child to be born, my wife had been sliced open and was barely alive, i looked on helplessly while i believed i was watching my wife and child both die, it was that bad.

    This made something click in my brain, i was no longer me.

    I kept getting thoughts so horrible and so often i couldnt cope, after about a month my wife and baby boy and i went to see my Dr, i was sobbing as i told the Dr the kind of thoughts i was having, he jumped on the ph right in front of me and rang a private hospital, he said loud enough for us to hear...."do you have any beds, i have a patient who is borderline psychotic.

    I heard him say i was borderline psychotic and it near ruined me, i thought i was effing loony, i was scared.

    I spent a week in hospital then came home, at home in bed i kept having horrid thoughts, always saying to myself WHAT IF i did something bad, on two occasions i got out of bed and ran down the street in my jocks (underpants) because i was so scared i would do something bad, i was terrified of me.

    I ended up back in hospital on drugs and sht, but then it happened, i had a new psychiatrist, he was some big nob in psychiatry, he spent two days with me and told me something that made me cry, he said you are not crazy and you are not borderline psychotic , he said "you have OCD", i had no clue what he was talking about so i listened to him as he explained my miss diagnosis, and my correct diagnosis, this was 28 yrs ago, a take a pill everyday to take the edge off and im fine, if i get obsessive thoughts i was told to tell the thoughts to "f#%k off and to take back control.

    All this time i was guilt ridden as i failed to look after my wife and son in the first couple of months, i dont know how my wife coped after what she went through, she cried when she told me she had felt no love for our child, she musta been PTSS something aweful, my son still has a big scar on his forehead from the forceps used to get him out, my wife and i still find it hard to talk about this horrendous delivery and the pain it caused all three of us.

    I went to a OCD support group for awhile, but they were all "compulsive" OCD except for one middle aged man, he was Obsessive like me, he opened up to me about his obsessive thoughts, they were truly horrific, basically when his grand daughter was present in his house he had thoughts of molesting her, he knew he wouldnt, but its sometimes referred to as the "What If" disease, because thats what he kept thinking, "What if i molested her", he was almost ruined by this terrible disease, i stopped goin cause that group brought me down, so i worked on it myself, it took yrs to not panic if i had horrible thoughts, but like i said, i was told to tell my thoughts to F%$k off.

    I hope you are able to deal with your OCD Jav, its cruel.
    BTW was yours triggered by "trauma" like mine or were you kinda born with it.???

    RRR
    The more people i met, the more i liked my dog.

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    Australia Avalon Member s7e6e's Avatar
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    Default Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

    Dear RRR, the middle aged man you described, saying "he was Obsessive like me" is a pedophile. Neither obsessive nor compulsive have anything to do with the sick desire of molesting kids.

    Your struggle however, of not giving in to the monster you have inside you, is real. Keep strong.
    Last edited by s7e6e; 12th December 2022 at 10:23.

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    Default Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

    Quote I wanted to learn more about that strange experience called NDE, and I read other books that dealt with the same subject (Dr. Moody had published his book in 1975 and caused such a commotion among the medical class that many of his colleagues followed in his wake, so when I read his book there was already a lot of literature about NDE).
    I read it in 2010 ( can't remember very clearly)

    You can have a read “The Boy Who Saw True”

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bo...Saw_True_(book)

    Or Conversations with God:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conversations_with_God


    The two books are not bad. They are good for me to understand more about Lifechanyuan values.

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    Australia Avalon Member RatRodRob...RRR's Avatar
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    Default Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

    Quote Posted by s7e6e (here)
    Dear RRR, the middle aged man you described, saying "he was Obsessive like me" is a pedophile. Neither obsessive nor compulsive have anything to do with the sick desire of molesting kids.

    Your struggle however, of not giving in to the monster you have inside you, is real. Keep strong.
    The bloke appeared absolutely legit to me, a nightmare is having horrible/frightening uncontrolled thoughts when asleep, OCD (Obsessive) is like having a nightmare when you are awake, simple as that....................................RRR
    The more people i met, the more i liked my dog.

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    Default Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

    J. thank you for your story. I think getting on to NDS, has helped both of us. Im attaching something sent to me by Sandi who had several NDE,s I posted this on my post earlier.i find this a great explanation of our existence here.//

    Sandi said after crossing over/
    I understood that everything that we do here on Earth, all that we are, all that we experience, allows creation to exist. Every beautiful thing, every wonderful being and creature, whether on earth or in any universe, relies upon people who are on the extremely rare places like Earth.

    The Great Intelligence (god) is a paradox. It is completely loving and fully unlimited. Which by the definition of paradox, means it is impossible? It cannot be limited only to love; it cannot be limited to only being unlimited; or it is not unlimited.

    Earth is a place where the unlimited becomes limited; where the singular becomes many. Here, it can know community and loneliness. It can know heartache and hope. It can know all which an unlimited being of pure love cannot. It can conceive and perceive evil; which in truth it cannot do this either.
    To solve the paradox, it must experience helplessness and limitation and all as it is Real. In this place, it is all so REAL.

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