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Thread: The One-Legged Man sketch | Peter Cook and Dudley Moore

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    Default The One-Legged Man sketch | Peter Cook and Dudley Moore

    Feeling in need of a little light entertainment today, and earlier wondered upon this gem which I haven't listened to for years. And some of the script would qualify for multiple mentions on the Great Quotes thread too I shouldn't wonder.

    Anyway, do please enjoy

    [Moore walks off, a red curtain slides into view as a backdrop, Cook retreats to the curtain.]

    Peter Cook: He's gonna get into some extremely sophisticated English costumes and we'll move right along with this, uh, curtain or drape as you call it. The scene is set in a producer's office. [moves a chair to center stage] By the magic of placing a chair in the middle of this place, we have conjured up a producer's office. [in character, calls out to stage right] Uh, Miss Rigby? Stella, my love? Would you send in the next auditioner, please? Thank you, my dear.

    [Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, the other leg -- the left one -- tucked under the coat - he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.]

    Peter Cook: Nice to see you.

    Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you.

    Peter Cook: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore's shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not?

    Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott's the name, acting's my game.

    Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.

    Dudley Moore: Right.

    Peter Cook: If you'd like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott.

    Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

    Peter Cook: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his "stump" on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan?

    Dudley Moore: Yes.

    Peter Cook: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn't help noticing -- almost immediately -- that you are a one-legged man.

    Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that?

    Peter Cook: When you've been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.

    Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP.

    Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes.

    Dudley Moore: Mm, yes.

    Peter Cook: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.

    Dudley Moore: Yes, right.

    Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste.

    Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes.

    Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter... are applying for the role.

    Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes.

    Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

    Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to.

    Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.

    Dudley Moore: The leg division?

    Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It's a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, "Hello! What a lovely leg for the role!"

    Dudley Moore: Ah!

    Peter Cook: I've got nothing against your right leg.

    Dudley Moore: Ah!

    Peter Cook: The trouble is -- neither have you. [delayed applause] You, uh, you fall down on the left.

    Dudley Moore: You mean it's inadequate?

    Peter Cook: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott.

    Dudley Moore: Mm.

    Peter Cook: In my view, the public is not yet ready ...

    Dudley Moore: No?

    Peter Cook: ... for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting "Hello, Jane."

    Dudley Moore: No. No, right.

    Peter Cook: But don't despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent.

    Dudley Moore: Well, I've got twice as many.

    Peter Cook: You're streets ahead!

    Dudley Moore: So there's still hope?

    Peter Cook: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott.

    Dudley Moore: Ah!

    Peter Cook: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type of artiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom.

    Dudley Moore: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom.

    [Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.]

    Peter Cook: I'm just sorry I can't be more definite at this stage.

    Dudley Moore: Oh, good Lord!

    Peter Cook: But you must understand ... these days. We've so much tied up in the remake of Gone With The Wind, Part Four, we can't afford...

    [Applause drowns out some of Cook's parting comments to Moore who exits right, hopping and waving goodbye. The SNL band begins to play and Cook, alone on stage, does a little hopping himself to the music as we fade out.]

    ---------------------

    “If a man does not keep pace with [fall into line with] his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” - Thoreau

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    Default Re: The One-Legged Man sketch | Peter Cook and Dudley Moore

    Loved those two❤️
    Where is this comedy today that makes you laugh till you cry?
    Thank you so much for this wonderful memory 🤣

  4. The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Heart to heart For This Post:

    Bill Ryan (4th July 2023), ExomatrixTV (4th July 2023), Mari (4th July 2023), sijohn (4th July 2023), Sue (Ayt) (4th July 2023), Tintin (5th July 2023), Vangelo (4th July 2023), wondering (4th July 2023), Yoda (5th July 2023)

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