I sometimes forget the soulful value of some here on Avalon, until I am reminded by the beauty of those like Helene and Others. I am grateful for the constant value given and received.
Yes, to me the entirety of this subject is the lack of honesty from one mate to another. Helene, as is her gift, puts it all into perspective. Since we have gone there, and it is all very good to do, I'll add what I can to support TargeT's insight and highly responsible outlook, especially given all he has shared with us.
To the point, there is no replacement or adjustment that can be made for wide differences in integrity and nothing much can be done to bridge a gap of soul awareness that the two have. I beg to differ, my friend, that this woman is any more advanced and together than you in this one area where we all should have a clear sight of it's presence. Quite the opposite, and this is a judgement of the how the truth was revealed to you. Here are some insights we can share with you, all based on hard won experiences we have earned.
Why did TargeT put it all out in this thread called "Cheating"? His answer lives in his choice of the thread. It was not just for us friends to give him back some supportive, maybe insightful and hard truths to help him get thru this in the best way possible. He could have made or found a thread called "Support" or anything else. But you didn't.
Skipping over the lack of honesty is denying your own value. If there are other things you think you need to change in yourself, whatever they may be, it misses the subject of your own truth and your humanity to deny the hurt, a hurt you did not place on someone else, but the hurt you have endured. The quicker you see this is the quicker you get on with living beyond the pain and the anger, both things that are not worth the attention after you recognize their place in your growth and have learned, in your own way, to use them as incentives to live a happier life.
Adapting in the ways you have described, in what seems a very commendable way as you are now doing, is maybe the most dishonest thing you can do to yourself. I am not advocating anything but amicable resolution, because the kindness you put out in dissolving the dishonesty-yours-not hers (something only she can do), as it lives in your life now, will supportively present itself to you as you move on, in unexpected and gratifying ways, guaranteed.
Dishonesty is always painful and it is wrong, unnatural and hurtful to all involved. I didn't state this obvious truth because I was impressed by whatever depth of the process you were revealing, and it is honorable. Value that! However, it is very superficial and self-defeating to see others truths via the vehicle of your own martyrdom. There are much easier ways to exercise your humanity and strengthen your heart then getting your value trampled on by someone you entrusted so much heart and soul in. There is no excuse for that. Don't create excuses for them finding their way into your thoughts. Dishonesty cannot be adapted to. It, like honesty itself, is.
The deeper, more honest, self-directed questions may not be why he didn't see this divergence in ethics and morality between his wife and himself, but why he gives her an over thought out series of passes just to keep her. This is what must be faced directly by our friend.
The greatest of gifts in life sometimes have a price that challenge our self worth. Can we let go of that prize, that comfort, that beauty, that job, that woman, that friend, if it demands we overlook the truth? I hope so, because letting it go may be the only way to value something that even dishonest mates cannot disagree about. It's something I have learned living amongst people of this age, something that defines their place in the spaces in between, where the soul has value that is recorded somewhere in the song of the timeless memories we all, at one time, have access to.
The fact is she was already gone a while back..
And, we're not even talking about the kids.
May you both do well moving on