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Thread: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

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    United States Avalon Member Foxie Loxie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Good share, DebJoy! I like something I heard on Dr. Bill Deagle's video; "If you live a lie, you become a victim of that lie!" That about sums up how trying to live up to someone else's expectations can ruin your own life. So often, what was programmed into us as children does, in fact, ruin our lives. We get bound up in behavioral patterns that just keep repeating the same sad results. Your courage to break all that is admirable!!

    None of us have ever "arrived" during this lifetime, we just keep learning as we go! I like your use of the word "toxic"...that really does give a word picture of what has been happening & what we can choose to avoid! As I said before, You Go Girl!

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    UK Avalon Founder Bill Ryan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family



    This is an amazing thread.

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    United States Avalon Member Mike's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    I came across this funny gif today and found myself giggling uncontrollably over it. One of my first thoughts was to send it to "Chris", a close friend who I had fallen out with months ago.

    Being somewhat prideful and stubborn I deliberated for a bit. But then I decided to send it anyway. Well he responded and we had a nice chat. I feel great about that. I love the guy.

    I apologized for my role in the argument that led up to the falling out, and after a short pause, he said "I'm not apologizing for anything". Well, that's him; I wouldn't have expected anything else! I think I would have actually been disappointed had he apologized for anything.

    Life is pretty short. The last time Chris and I fell out, many years had passed before we reconciled. I'm getting older now. There's no time for that anymore. Anything could happen at any moment and if someone close to you dies before you've had a chance to square it up with 'em, you'll never forgive yourself.

    I've always been stubborn about reconciling. Wasted a ton of time by doing that. Don't be like me.
    Last edited by Mike; 11th July 2020 at 02:50.

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    Avalon Member Gemma13's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Where's the gif Mike?

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  9. Link to Post #145
    United States Avalon Member Mike's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Quote Posted by Gemma13 (here)
    Where's the gif Mike?

    not forum friendly

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  11. Link to Post #146
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Quote Posted by Mike (here)
    I came across this funny gif today and found myself giggling uncontrollably over it. One of my first thoughts was to send it to "Chris", a close friend who I had fallen out with months ago.

    Being somewhat prideful and stubborn I deliberated for a bit. But then I decided to send it anyway. Well he responded and we had a nice chat. I feel great about that. I love the guy.

    I apologized for my role in the argument that led up to the falling out, and after a short pause, he said "I'm not apologizing for anything". Well, that's him; I wouldn't have expected anything else! I think I would have actually been disappointed had he apologized for anything.

    Life is pretty short. The last time Chris and I fell out, many years had passed before we reconciled. I'm getting older now. There's no time for that anymore. Anything could happen at any moment and if someone close to you dies before you've had a chance to square it up with 'em, you'll never forgive yourself.

    I've always been stubborn about reconciling. Wasted a ton of time by doing that. Don't be like me.
    I'm really glad to hear this Mikey.



    "your life is your life
    don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
    be on the watch.
    there are ways out.
    there is a light somewhere.
    it may not be much light but
    it beats the darkness.
    be on the watch.
    the gods will offer you chances.
    know them.
    take them.
    you can’t beat death but
    you can beat death in life, sometimes.
    and the more often you learn to do it,
    the more light there will be.
    your life is your life.
    know it while you have it.
    you are marvelous
    the gods wait to delight
    in you."


    Last edited by Constance; 13th November 2021 at 21:34.

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    United States Avalon Member wondering's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    I have a thought about someone dying while in the midst of an alienating episode of some kind - harsh words, for example, between two friends. It reminds me of the Catholic church saying, decades ago, that if we “die in mortal sin, we are judged on that no matter what kind of good life we had been living.” Baloney! I don’t buy it. If we love someone then that is the truth of it - the warp and woof of it, and an outburst or failing from our human self does not change that love one iota. It would not undue all the kind, selfless, caring things they had done in the course of being their partner or friend. I don’t think we could let that be a determiner of how good a partner or friend we were. Just sayin’ Diane

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    UK Avalon Founder Bill Ryan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Last edited by Bill Ryan; 17th September 2022 at 13:44.

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    Finland Avalon Member rgray222's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    I DON'T think most people believe that families have been put together for a reason. They wrongly think they had nothing to do with the makeup of their family. The bigger the problems and the more toxic your family member(s) are the bigger the opportunity to solve problems that span several lifetimes. Most people have a tendency to believe that the problems inside a family are so massive that they won't even make an attempt to fix them. Without realizing it you are setting yourself up for bigger problems down the road. Solving family problems is like moving chess pieces four or five times while your opponent stands still. In truth family problems are not impossible to solve they are just riddled with intense and acute emotions. The things that take the most effort are generally the things that we are most proud of and families should be at the top of the list.

    This comment deals with families, I believe the toxic friend(s) issue is an entirely different thing.

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    United States Avalon Member Vangelo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Quote Posted by Bill Ryan (here)
    -------

    Dear All:

    Here's a topic which I have no personal experience of, but have in the past been associated with friends who have had deeply moving and life-changing experiences.

    It's about when something goes badly wrong in a family, there's a [sometimes very long] period of disconnection, and then everything is healed again.

    This experience recently happened to a friend of mine, and the love and healing that was released by a sincere, humble explanation of what had gone awry, accompanied by a heartfelt apology that was gratefully received, has transformed several generations of an entire family -- including elderly parents in the twilight of their long lives who had never, ever thought they would see the day.

    An experience of my own (indirectly) was quite a while back, when I was leading and running personal development courses. I was talking with the group -- about a dozen young men and women -- about how many decisions are simple ones. Some things are easy to do.. and easy not to.

    For example (I said): "When you're hungry, it's easy to go to the kitchen to find a cookie or a candy bar. It's also easy to find a piece of cheese or an apple."

    You see, decisions that can ending up molding our lives are often a choice between two things that are easy.

    I then gave the example of picking up the phone. "It's easy to think of a friend, look at the phone, and do nothing. It's also easy to pick it up, and dial 10 numbers on the keypad. Like this."

    Then I mimed doing just that with my cellphone. It took maybe 15 seconds, and almost no effort.

    A couple of minutes after that, with the conversation continuing, one of the group members, a young man in his mid-20s, quietly excused himself and got up to leave the room. I assumed that he'd gone to the bathroom.

    But 10 minutes later, he had not returned. The group's conversation was still interesting and valuable, so I overlooked his absence.

    20 minutes passed. Then 30.

    After 35 minutes, he returned, looking a little spaced out. Several of the others enquired how he was, wondering if he'd been feeling ill.

    He looked around, and took a deep breath.

    "I've just phoned my father," he said. "I've not spoken to him for 13 years." And then he began to weep.

    That set us all off. It was life-changing for him. And all because he made the choice between two things that were easy.

    Beautiful thread, thank you for bumping it. As I read it, I wanted to somehow contact all the folks who are not active any more and invite them to join us here on Avalon and participate again.

    I bolded the 2nd to last paragraph because my comment is related specifically to that. In the end, both parties have to be ready, willing, and able. In my case, both my mother and sister we ready and willing, but unable to take that last step because it required deep self-reflection, ownership, and forgiveness.

    For me, my resolution and forgiveness became a journey I needed to pursue on my own. My journey of self-discovery was about ownership, forgiveness, and unconditional self-love. It brought me to the place where I was ready to reconnect with my mother and sister, but they were still stuck projecting their pain onto others.

    My mother has passed and my sister is truly too toxic to approach. My heart bleeds for her because I now realize she carries many of the same multi-generational shadows I own. But I also know, it is her journey to travel; I can't do it for her.

    These books helped me on my journey...
    Happiness comes from within, nowhere else.

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    UK Avalon Founder Bill Ryan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Last edited by Bill Ryan; 18th December 2023 at 18:45.

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    Avalon Member Antagenet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Ok What would YOU do?

    14 years ago my two siblings (in cahoots) stole my fathers inheritance for themselves and left me in poverty.
    (after 15 years of me caring for our parents, with them never contributing)

    In the past year I have almost died 3 times because of genetic mutations (that they most possibly share).
    I was able to figure out and remedy my health crisis. Each time. At least knock on wood, so far I am here.

    By the way one of the methods was an immediate emergency treatment of Plasmapheresis
    which I chose myself and paid out of pocket since I have no health insurance.
    (Good thing I had a few pieces of metal which they didn't find)

    OK so... after how they have treated me...
    Would you let them know what the genetic mutations are?

    Be honest.

    (oh yes I forgot to mention. I have a recording of the last phone call with my sister,
    in which she promises to hunt me down for the rest of my life and destroy me.)
    (this is not a joke post... she is a psychopath.)

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    Belgium Avalon Member Johan (Keyholder)'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Hello Antagenet, glad you are back on the forum!

    In my opinion, a situation like the one you are in now, is one of the very hardest in life to deal with. It often can either "make or break" us. Sometimes it's siblings; it can be a parent or parents, a son or a daugther. It also can be "friends".

    What I would do? I would let them know in a very short note. Just the mere fact and let them find out for themselves.
    It's not because they treated you in an inhuman way that you should do the same.

    But that does not mean that you ever should be willing "to make up with them", at least I would not, because these people CAN'T ever learn to change.

    They are what they are. Like you, I have had (plenty of) psychopaths/pathological narcissists in my life; the best (and only thing!) to do in such a case is to turn your back to them and continue your life in different ways. But without "them".

    Wishing you lots of strength!

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    Default Re: Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

    Antaganet, as for your siblings , simply walk away and let karma deal with it. I have always said greed breeds stupidity. Individuals family or not that take advantage of another person don't live in our world of compassion and caring. And for all of us that don't understand why people or family members can be so consumed of dark entities, stop looking for the answers because they don't exist in a caring persons world. This may sound harsh and abrupt but when you realize there are more productive directions you can focus on than dealing with negative energy , you will just be wasting your own good energy chasing bad energy. And at the end of the day there are no answers why except the obvious and thus you are back where you started at to begin with.

    My brother sued me some 35 years ago, after 4 years in the courts the court awarded him half of what I offered him to begin with minus his attorney fees. He's never apologized to me to this day and honestly until I read this thread I have never even questioned that he ever would. My mom asked me one time why is he the way he is? I just told her stop looking for answers because it doesn't exist in your world or mine. So I just moved on and CONSIDERED it another one of life's experiences. Fyi , he is a millionaire today and holds money very near and dear to his heart. I wish him no negative feelings and I just am concerned with the present and future and not the past.

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