Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

[Woody]

Thank you Bill for this thread, and everyone else effected by this subject,
I also come from a problematic family, i have not seen my parents in twenty years, a very difficult choice i made due to emmotional abuse from both my mother and father, also on occasion violence from my father who would beat me until i'd bleed.
Twelve months ago i was contacted by one of my sisters to inform me that my father had been admitted to hospital and was very poorly, i decided to try and put the past to rest and make peace with my parents before it was too late.
I telephoned the hospital ward where my father was being nursed to enquire how he was and also to ask if he would like me to visit him. The telephone was given to another one of my sister, who informed me that i would not be welcome ever, that she was instructing the hospital not to give me any information should i telephone again, and not to allow me onto the ward.
I hope you can imagine how upset and hurt i felt, it made me remember why i had severed contact with them twenty years previously.
I have to admit that i have been and still am lonely, it is difficult not being part of a family, not belonging to anyone.
My father recovered, i have not had any contact since.

Kind regards,
Woody

[Bill Ryan]

Posted by Woody (here)
I have to admit that i have been and still am lonely, it is difficult not being part of a family, not belonging to anyone.
My father recovered, i have not had any contact since.

This thread has moved me very greatly. I started it through a combination of intuition -- and the synchronicity of a good friend sharing with me their own story (a very happy one).

I was immensely struck by several accounts that were shared. I don't even want to minimize anyone by singling out some above others. It's extraordinarily hard to know what to say.

For Woody: I was an only child, and we were the stereotypical nuclear family. No aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins -- just the three of us. It was a relatively normal upbringing. No great traumas, no separations, no abuse.

I didn't get on well with my father, who was a little damaged and tended to be very controlling: but he was in many ways a brilliant maverick (and my mother was a brilliant writer, blessed with tremendous sensitivity and perception) -- and so I like to think that I may have ended up with much the best of them both.

My father died in 1987, and my mother, to whom I was very close, in 2007. I was then alone in the world: no family at all.

There may have been some distant relatives somewhere... but I had no idea who they were, and even if I had made some connection they would have been meaningless strangers.

It felt very weird indeed. I felt absolutely on my own. I immediately realized how unusual it was. Very few people share that experience of having no family whatsoever.

Soon after, however, I began to feel great freedom. Now, 5 years later, I feel totally integrated with a network of close friends and deep relationships that are way more than a family substitute.

The moral of that story? Woody, you have no need to feel lonely. Your father has his own karma and compulsive patterns to play out. Whatever happened was not your fault.

You are surrounded and embraced and loved by as many good people as you want to manifest in your life. They're all there. They do not have to be blood relatives. Spiritual relatives -- a completely different phenomenon -- are actually far more enduring and important.

[Thinking Allowed]

It's been 4 months since my Father's death. He was one of nine children and hehad it tough. His mother died when he was eleven and he was subjected to a violentupbringing with an alcoholic father. Part of his dysfunctional life was transferredto my upbringing and I was very scared of him and actually hated him for mostof my youth due to his violent outbursts. I couldn't forgive him until he wasdiagnosed with cancer for the second time in his life. He died at 66 years oldand I was privileged to be there at his death in hospital. I told him that Iloved him and held his hand while he passed away. It was extremely emotionaland at that point I could forgive him for his past indiscretions. We are alldealt a different hand and it is only now that I wonder how I would have livedmy life under his circumstances where survival was key. We should all walk inanothers footsteps before we judge.

[bogeyman]

This thread is a conduit, and a release.

[bogeyman]

I wish I could tell you more..... It is unbelievable. My family my god!" I wish I was ignorant!

[Agape]

Strange synchronicity , thanks Bill .

I've actually triggered this in myself , just about 2 days ago after writing a fresh new post on recently relocated Camelot forum .
To explain a little bit ..the old Camelot forum was allegedly under one of those DOS attacks for many days but then we've got to know it was relocated ,
we all knew there's new forum under construction . It simply went off ..

I was not sure with signing myself back but friend moved some of my materials about Kalachakra and the Bodhgaya Event to new thread ,
at the same time , Barry came to terms with the 'upper echelon' of the Camelot as he offered to moderate the forum . It ended up in disagreement and the topic ( and thread ) is closed now .

Nevertheless , when I signed up , I found myself with whitely white piece of paper ( or better to say screen ) to write on and did not notice others would be noticing my presence , late at night .
It felt interesting ..

Usually , I don't like myself carrying posts from one board to another ..see if I can do that ..

I want to clarify one thing here and that statement of mine will probably stand the test of time , because after all, I know myself some 39 years as human being and on deeper note, know myself personally, intimately and have to be honest with myself in everyday life , knowing my very ET nature as well.
There are people who can actually tune into someone being different, others can not and can not be blamed for that.

There are exceptional dogs who can understand cats but most can't . There are tiger moms who can breast feed a puppy while most would have him for lunch .
In the rough circumstances of earthly character , nature seems to dictate more rules than we think of . It applies to dealings between family members , friends and foes alike .
Compassion beyond what nature dictates is almost very rare .

Nature ..though many like to deny it .. is like your basic programming, biological programming and later also, societal programming that takes over character and situations , especially important situations where your life or life of dear ones is concerned .

In more than one way, this society is programmed not to know, not to ask questions, not to be concerned about each other ..

It's really strange this is the 'advanced human society' we talk about here . With few exceptions , most I see around me is 'hive mind'.

And individualities, even those of the best people , faithfully hiding in corners .


Whichever fits into this and that particular hive goes .


Back to myself, I'm not a 'groupie' and never were. I had real problem, in early years in my life fitting to any collective at all . It's exactly the hive mentality that made me feel stupid about it. Clapping hands all at the same time,
respecting Charles because teacher told Charles is great . Feeling like 'all others do' .


I'm quite a bit miffed when I hear and read again, in the alternative community about 'alien hive mind' and 'ETs being bugs' , to put it short .

I made no luck with stating things openly about myself and even among researchers, and friends who accept there's 'something in me' ,

the attacks always came back from one side or another, pointing fingers on 'the evil aliens ..'


I have to skip over tons of materials that seem to support their point, I'm familiar with them and they're all over the web.


About so called 'alien hive mind' , which is gross misinterpretation of what way consciousness works within all groups of entities and species ,

humans are perfect example of how 'hive mind' works .

The difference is not in it existing or not, the difference is merely in level of awareness and cooperation between members of any particular group.


Suppose you all are true friends , can tune it, feel for each other, when you are set to accomplish a task, you act in unison, you create natural resonance where everyone does what is the best for the group .
Help each other to accomplish the task .


On the other hand, if you don't care about each other and prefer not to know , when the time calls to action, most will simply stay behind .


With that and listen carefully, I am not saying that group consciousness is the answer , or at least it's not always the answer .


The fact is that 99% of people are afraid to be alone. Collective and belonging to particular 'mind hive' is not only protective and supportive and fulfils the meaning of life because we are not alive for our own sake
or 'just to be' ,

it also rises awareness . Now the more important question comes whether the collective is right one for you and vice versa ..


and so on. The moment something ( erroneously ) starts getting on my mind here , I am quitting . I'm like that . I prefer to be me.


As I've said at start, I'm not a groupie . I see very little sense in my friends, the community arguing about which forum is better .



Like when my parents divorced when I was 7 , I felt openly sad when Bill & Kerry and the whole Camelot Project was split . I have heard all the reasons and I'm supposed to be tall enough to know that 'things happen' in life .

And it does not really matter you may say, as they are two people continuing their respective paths ...


till they don't throw tomatoes at each other it's all good. Likewise, I see no if any meaning of distancing myself from this or that 'group' , I think it's funny .

We're not here to be elitarian group with special consciousness . We're not here to be 'white-supremacist' or 'black -underground-radicals' , or anything of that sort .
We are all colourful group and certainly contain each of these elements , looking at the numbers of people who ever join the forums I'm afraid we contain about everyone really .

And we have to deal with that . Anyway.


The reason for this statement in fact is probably much more simple than what I ran to above . The reasons why I don't spend much time on forums are either lack of time, health issues , mind you I've been alone here with computer for almost 6 or 7 years.

Things needing real solutions that I took on some recommended boards were simply washed over and over , and never acted upon with sense .

It got me seriously annoyed with time , as I learned about these 'web manners' and that it is simply a hobby for many people and how they spend their evenings , sitting in their safe cells and typing things . Copying and pasting . I learned that too, it's fun.
It solves nothing.

You learn what you read and learn the lethargy as well, and let people pulverise your testimony and truth and what else .


I don't want to go to that again, there are many news here worth reading .. and new people who need to learn on their own. I think our inner maturity , in life terms also very much differs from person to person.


I can't even pretend to fit in somewhere yet I'm quite happy to be here . It's merely because you are all lovable and smart . And because I can see , feel your respective individualities , at least sometimes and can appreciate your free spirit which is very much like my own .



Alright, hope I've explained that when I'm not around in sense of being active , I'm still on watch but probably having some serious issues to solve and work-i -should-do even if i don't want to do it. Commanding myself is not the easiest .


I'll have to cross over this being too long post .


I'm sad to see Barry has left the forum . The thing is ...whereas it does not seem to concern many people here, you've lost a researcher , someone with 40 years of experience, elder to Kerry Cassidy and Bill Ryan and many of the new 'blowers' on their sites ,

and let me spill the beans even more ..


Barry offered to take the Moderator post for the Forum , which means lots of extra work and it's a sacrifice of your time and life as some of you know .

There's been recruitment notice for new moderators and helpers on the forum since long ago and now Barry who is senior here , said I can take it .


I tell you one thing dears ... if you make shoe-cleaner with soft humble nature to chief-of-command post, you may lose the battle and if you make someone with general -like mind clean the shoes for job, you may lose it as well and will have badly cleaned shoes and lost battle .


Besides that it simply shows you don't care, don't care to know each other well enough and it is sad .


It's sad that since we ever came over here there was an aura of mistrust in the air and it took year or more to clear it up for Barry and now he's going ...hurt again.


No matter how much I love all of you I can't respect this. And it's about the 10th time it has happened .. seeing misunderstandings taking place and the good and polite stepping back , to leave the place ..



I won't write Kerry or Tommy to ask them 'why did you do that' , they are not small kids and they are busy . And if they are so blind and can not open the history files and keep knocking a person down , in front all our eyes ,

they would knock me down too..


It's discouraging because that's how we truly learn about human society and how badly it works .


It's really discouraging because of those 'sources' posted on Kerrys blog, maybe one percent could stand the test for 'hard core facts' and sites all over the net are flooded with disinformation

and decent people leave . What would you expect .


If there are many lies in the society and great discomfort , we seek free lands .. truth in the life , don't we .


That's how I see my 'web adventure' and many others too will end one day . To save your mind from 'the hive' .

Sorry, it's a long post but I did not notice time passing by , submerged in my mind , it was 4 am out of sudden . I need to say I cleared lots of 'stuff' from my mind by that alone ,
year or two pile of everyones else's problems that took place of my awareness of my own mission . Not that I cleaned that all completely but I think, I'm having an idea ..

Next morning , when I woke up very late and very tired , there was this clear memory on my 'human father' on my mind , it's feeling so strange.
Could be a piece of dream, as if I'm 5 years old and he is here and then there is presence and I know I've not seen him for 20 years now, he is a stranger to me , even if I met him today he would be a stranger .
I've actually seen him very little since they divorced with mum when I was about 7 , maybe once or twice a year at the best because he was so busy . And I turned very closed to my own self and did not make a good communication with him.
He has helped me to leave home to India, accidentally , when I was 19 because I desperately needed that flight ticket money and spoke to him never since because he was completely against my 'religious studies' , he was too 'down to earth' , extremely rational man .
I don't know even if he is still alive to be honest and I once searched him in telephone directory but I'm not really upto meeting with him,

I'm outspaced enough for mum who is much softer and empathetic . He was calmer of course, had sort of unshakable stability in him and ways I suddenly recalled and really could not explain myself how possibly ..he's been away for so long, without me noticing it .

Am strange I have to admit ..or not .


I like to be on my own very much, to feel free .. not being influenced, distracted by attachment to all their family histories, I find it silly stuff and not being about me .


Thank you for bringing this up though

[meeradas]

This touches only shortly and not exactly on topic, but it should also go here, as a reminder that it is not too late, even if someone died before 'reconciliation'.

When my granddad (my grandparents raised me) fell into a coma, i didn't make it to the hospital even once, in the 3 weeks before he died.
Guilt.

Guilt and all was completely released, when i had the following dream:
We met in his sleeping room, i had just woken up from a nap in his bed.
He gave me a big long embrace (sth he had never done during 'lifetime'), with a huge relaxed smile on his face.

Pre-story:
My grandad's been thru three times major brainwash in his life [have to cut the details];
thus, he was programmed to always appear in control - smiling was considered weakening one's emotional control, so it was a 'no go', most of the time.
My task, growing up, was easy to spot: I had to make the man smile, whenever i could. Not easy, with a master professional nazi curmudgeon... rarely did i succeed [tough childhood...].
Cut short:
My mom told me,
when the doctors and she decided to "turn off the machines, and let him go" when he was in a coma,
the man obviously was aware of the words spoken at his hospital bed - before he drew his last breath,
he put on a sweet smile, and went.

Mission accomplished.

[Woody]

Thank you again Bill,

i think my parents were maybe scarred by world war 2, they would have been children during this time.
My father was beaten by his father, and joined the air force to escape the abuse he suffered, he was stationed in malaya for a number of years.
My thoughts are that my parents did not know any better, they did not know how to bring up a boy without harshness, my father would often say to me that i would thank him one day for my upbringing.
I used to be very angry towards my parents, even now i don't understand what i did to deserve some of their treatment.
It has took quite a number of years for me to let go of my anger, the trouble is that now all i feel for them is numbness, i don't hate or truly love them, its as though they were not really my parents.
I believe that there are some positives from my childhood, i would not be who i am now if things had been different, i would probably not be here now on avalon seeking truth and spiritual growth, or become a nurse either.
Maybe there are reasons why we experience the things we do.

Thank you again Bill and everyone effected by this subject,
Kind regards,
Woody

[Meesh]

Great thread. If you can't re-connect in a corporeal sense, for whatever reason, connect with your spirit. Whatever happens on the "inside" is always more important than what happens on the "outside". Hold that person in your mind in a loving way everyday--whatever that means to you. Then stay open to whatever happens.

[bluestflame]

it's never too late , yesterday i had a dream i was awake in it in a room full of older people my nan came up to me and gave me a card that had full living colour and moved withing me happy fathers day

i felt the tears well from i knew not where

then i noticed my grandmother and realized my nan had passed(a couple of years ago) and went to draw it to my grandmothers attention , to see if she saw her, but then realized she had passed only recently (couple of months ago)

there was a calm feeling when i awoke

[jackovesk]

Easier said than done Bill..?

I am currently experiencing a long-term rift with my older brother...

What happens if you don't want to heal the rift..?

What happens if you know, in the long-run it will all pan out Ok..?

Blood has been spilt, physical scars may have healed but are a constant reminder of a (Full-On Brawl) I had with my own brother in a Hotel parking lot after he dis-respected my girlfriend at the time...

My brother gets (Water on the Brain) we he drinks and knows not what he says or does...Over the years I have constantly had to stop him from getting into fights &/or getting him out of fights...

My 'Dickhead' brother once thought it would be a good idea to start a fight by himself with a Bikie Gang..! A friend and myself who tried to get him out of there after my brother threw the 1st punch, all ended up in the same Ambulance and taken to hospital.

Right throughout childhood, late-teens, early & late twenties the fluctuating rift has always been present between Big Brother & Little Brother...

Sounds probably worse than it is, but I have never really got along with my (Big Brother - The Bully) anyway...

[astrid]

I have the same issue with my bro, Jackness.. its tough.
He drinks and beats on his partner and child, i tried so hard for years to intervene, but in the end i had
to look after my own health, it was real crazy making stuff..

I do what i can energetically from a distance, but you can only do your half, and meet them in the middle,
if they are seriously stuck in their victim paradigm, sometimes the "tough love" approach is the only way.
Sometimes its just not safe to be there in the physical, but that doesn't mean there isn't other things that you can do,
we are all connected after all.

As for my parents, another story all together, and this thread is also timely for me,
i get that this is so important to do, especially for them in their twilight years,
but yes.. where there was safety issues involved in the past, it does create a major
block in making that move.

Excellent thread, thanks so much Bill

[David Trd1]

This thread is profound and moving and envokes reflection.

[CivilDawn]

Wow, this thread has given me quite a rush. I deeply relate with the subject of family since I am the oldest of six brothers and sisters and am witnessing a seriously dense wave of negativity passing through.

With that being said, I am troubled by the state of my family currently. My mom and dad have grown out of each other like an old pair of shoes, whose disconnect started IMO with my mom's affair with another man about 16 years ago. My father, in his altruistic stance, chose to stay with my mom for fear that a divorce would ruin us kids.. They ended up popping out 4 more kids after, one of which may have been a product of the affair..

Due to my dad's isolation/anger and my mom's martyrdom to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, the kids have been left starving for affection and attention. Sons rebelling, sisters cutting their wrists is commonplace. This leads to my parents tightening their grips to try and CONTROL the situation. The whole thing is going ape sh*t.

I have been moved out of that house for a couple years now and in my absence I am developing a strong desire to reconnect. I have learned so much about love and so compulsive behavior that I can see an opening for my intervention. It's easy for me to identify problematic areas in this whole mosiac of destructive behavior, but the main thing that would bring uplift to this all is love-based leadership. I want to be that leader, inspiring them to lead each other through the trenches of their own tribulations.

I am scared though...

Something about the responsibility of this undertaking is looming over me, and my negative self-talk is louder than my words of encourgement. I want to be better than that, and I'm beginning to think that this doesn't have to be a colossal undertaking at all.. Maybe all I need to do is just show up in their lives and give love. Maybe this is all so much more simple than the scenario my mind is creating out of fear, which leads back to the valuable morsel of wisdom in Bill's OP.

I want my sister to stop cutting her wrists, but I can't change what she does without receiving resentment from her. I don't want to control because I don't wish to impede upon anyones free will. I'm not about that at all.

What I can change is the environment, which includes my energies and creations. I can set up signposts to lead the way.. though this will require a leap of faith with the absence of doubt. I want to work up that courage to walk into the burning building and lead the way to fresh air and soft grass.. I want to stop being so weak.

[pilotsimone]

Posted by CivilDawn (here)
I am scared though...

Something about the responsibility of this undertaking is looming over me, and my negative self-talk is louder than my words of encourgement. I want to be better than that, and I'm beginning to think that this doesn't have to be a colossal undertaking at all.. Maybe all I need to do is just show up in their lives and give love. Maybe this is all so much more simple than the scenario my mind is creating out of fear, which leads back to the valuable morsel of wisdom in Bill's OP.

CivilDawn,

I think you are really onto something with the bolded part.

Maybe it would be helpful to focus on each family member’s strengths and stay silent on their weaknesses. Let them know you’re there because you love them, not because you wish to change them.

Acceptance is what everyone craves. Only when they feel accepted by you, will they trust you. At least that has been my experience with many friends/family members.

It is very hard to be vulnerable. Shame runs very deep in us humans. We’ve been conditioned to punish ourselves relentlessly for our mistakes.

In my opinion, a delicate and positive approach would give you the greatest chance of pulling them out of their suffering.

And if you can't...well, at least you know that you showed compassion and love (rather than judgment). Your heart and mind should find peace in that.

Best wishes.

[Rocky_Shorz]

Posted by truth4me (here)
My father ,who I respect and still love, have had a falling out over my grandson and his great grandson. My grandson is bi-racial and to me it makes no difference in anyone's color. My grandson is a wonderful child full of fun and energy galore yet my father still clings to his 1960's past that has put a wedge between us. I will not put up with racism in any form yet, I stll respect and love my father . I have tried to "reach" my father but it won't work. So the best way for me is to stay away from my him. My grandson just like us all are members of the HUMAN race. Yet,I still need to make peace somehow with my father for he is getting up in years. I really don't know what to do.

when was the last time you sent him a card that said I love you?

a phone call for someone at that age has little meaning, but a card he will put in view so he sees it every day...

drop by with a bucket of Chicken, and look around to see if you can spot the card...

(I was reading through this thread from the beginning and just spotted this...)

Posted by bluestflame (here)
it's never too late , yesterday i had a dream i was in a room full of older people my nan came up to me and gave me a card that had full living colour and moved wishing me happy fathers day

i felt the tears well from i knew not where

then i noticed my grandmother and realized my nan had passed(a couple of years ago) and went to draw it to my grandmothers attention , to see if she saw her, but then realized she had passed only recently (couple of months ago)

there was a calm feeling when i awoke

Nirvana is where dreams and Heaven meet...

[nomadguy]

I am in a similar debacle,
My father had turned against me sometime back, and then to sum it up I stood next to my mother through a break-up after a long relationship of more than 30 years. Everything is now being split, the family is holding tight trying not to break up -emotionally speaking, the siblings in my family are stalwarts and always stick together. But this has damaged us in a very subtle way. We are all dumbfounded at the way things have gone down.
There is a lot of misunderstanding, and whole lot more mistrust, certainly within my siblings and my father.
I for one have completely lost my trust in the man.

How do I forgive one that continues to do harm?
I do not know if he intends to, but somehow the way his personality is behaving the way he is now is destructive and coarse.
More news of distance menacing comes overtime. My thinking is that he must have a vendetta.
I had already come to terms with the idea that he could be a royal sh*t. But the part that gets me is why?....
I am finding it very difficult to heal this wound as it is still sustaining more damage.
Any advice?


Excellent post by the way!

[Rocky_Shorz]

wow, I want to give all of you a huggg...

I came from a boringly wonderful family, and have helped so many others not understanding why they wouldn't keep in touch, it is so foreign to me to think of not talking to those you love...

facebook has put us in touch with friends and classmates, and let us keep an eye on family...

but to those who don't want to talk, I can understand where that could make it worse, keeping updated without the worry or pain of speaking...

I picked up a friends phone that hadn't spoke with her mom in 15 years, the number was there, I clicked Dial...

when she answered, I was telling a joke, listening to her laughing in the background, then I did the innocent, hello, is someone there?

I looked at the dial, said oops I butt dialed and tossed her the phone...

she said hello without looking...

best of buds again...

saying hi is easier than most people think, so don't think, just do it...

[Rocky_Shorz]

Posted by nomadguy (here)
I am in a similar debacle,
My father had turned against me sometime back, and then to sum it up I stood next to my mother through a break-up after a long relationship of more than 30 years. Everything is now being split, the family is holding tight trying not to break up -emotionally speaking, the siblings in my family are stalwarts and always stick together. But this has damaged us in a very subtle way. We are all dumbfounded at the way things have gone down.
There is a lot of misunderstanding, and whole lot more mistrust, certainly within my siblings and my father.
I for one have completely lost my trust in the man.

How do I forgive one that continues to do harm? I do not know if he intends to,

My thinking is that he must have a vendetta.

But the part that gets me is why?....

I am finding it very difficult to heal this wound as it is still sustaining more damage.

Any advice?


Excellent post by the way!

each time you remember a painful moment, you are reliving it...

they don't heal, just by remembering...

when did you last call Dad, just to say hi, and ask about fishing, football, things you used to like to do together... Bring up fun memories, stay as far away from pain as possible...

if he starts getting course, gotta run someone is at the door...

you gave him warm fuzzies, then when he was bad, yanked it away, leaving him in the cold...

he will bang his head on the wall knowing what he did...

keep doing it until the course is gone... have your siblings do the same...

his family was his whole life, and now it is gone... or is it...

that's for all of you to decide, Mom made up her mind already...

[Fred Steeves]

Posted by CivilDawn (here)

I have been moved out of that house for a couple years now and in my absence I am developing a strong desire to reconnect. I have learned so much about love and so compulsive behavior that I can see an opening for my intervention. It's easy for me to identify problematic areas in this whole mosiac of destructive behavior, but the main thing that would bring uplift to this all is love-based leadership. I want to be that leader, inspiring them to lead each other through the trenches of their own tribulations.

I am scared though...

Hi CivilDawn, you wouldn't be human if you were't a bit intimidated at the prospect of doing what it is you know you have to do. This kind of "knowing" will never let you down, so if being that leader for your broken family is what you are being prompted to do, take that leap of faith and do it. I can promise you that no matter what the results might wind up being, you'll be glad you did.

Cheers,
Fred

P.S. Just one thing though, never try to force anything. Allowance is the magic word. Allow things to happen.