Reconnecting with alienated friends and family

[David Trd1]

Posted by pilotsimone (here)

When you feel and can identify this deep pain within you, see that blaming others in your family is not the solution. When you feel the urge to blame, keep in mind that your generational line has lived with the same pain, too. It is highly likely that they never even imagined that it was generational. They probably took it very personally, and therefore their only option was to act it out. When you start to see this in terms of a long chain of suffering handed down from generation to generation, and you realize that you’re the one, here and now, who can become conscious of how this works, then you have the opportunity to put an end to it.

I totally resonate with that.

The above is something that came to me over time,not quite in those words but similar meaning none the less.Reflection is hard when your ''in the thick of it'',but it helps and as time passes and can broaden ones perspective and personal place in the Quagmire of family drama`s.Pain brings with it hidden gifts,a point of reference or an experience owned or evolving in the case of loved ones

Maybe the best approach is to try and stay balanced(i know its hard sometimes),give love,understanding and acceptance to those whom partake in it with you.A good chat or phonecall,out of the blue or in the right situation is all it takes or sometimes even a smile where one is unexpected.Try and bring peace with you to these toxic situations and then you`ll give that point of reference.You`d be surprised how the little things build up over time to create a new relationship/paradigm with another.

[RunningDeer]

Posted by bogeyman (here)
I have to say, even though this may sound harsh, I will be relieved when some of my relative are deceased. My mother is in a nursing home now, she had a mental brake down, of cause my father blamed it on us, never himself. I did try to get her away from my father, and it work for a few years, but with his manipulative behavior she went back to him, and so she went down hill, now she is in care. He still visits her, which I find sicking. My brother in law (soon to be ex) is going through a divorce, and my sister is transferring all the violent events and emotional trauma, towards him and blames him for it, never her self. My family never look at themselves, its like a constant merry go round. As regards my mother, it will be a blessing when she passes on, this world hasn't offed the best for her, I know she was rapped by my father, and more than likely other members of my family. The psychiatric stated, that I shouldn't try to bring up the past, with my mother, she will not be able to deal with it. She never had any personal effects until recently, she was used and abused, so was I. I used to hide under the bed, and in the wardrobe to escape the dreadful environment I lived in. School was almost as bad, since I couldn't mix, I got targeted, so I was burning both ends of the candle and no where to run, except be by my self.

"The psychiatric stated, that I shouldn't try to bring up the past, with my mother, she will not be able to deal with it."

This statement about your Mom makes sense to me. I'd add that by digging out and working through your experiences, your energy field automatically triggers others that are open to change themselves. To me, that's a priceless gift anyone can give another.

Bogeyman, thank you for your honesty and courage to share what you lived through. I'm glad you are here; both for yourself, for me and for the forum. I've noticed that in just the short time you are here, you've offered numerous threads. All of which are chock full of knowledge, self-improvement, self-healing and thought provoking ideas. Thank you.

[jessamy99]

Posted by bogeyman (here)
I have to say, even though this may sound harsh, I will be relieved when some of my relative are deceased. My mother is in a nursing home now, she had a mental brake down, of cause my father blamed it on us, never himself. I did try to get her away from my father, and it work for a few years, but with his manipulative behavior she went back to him, and so she went down hill, now she is in care. He still visits her, which I find sicking. My brother in law (soon to be ex) is going through a divorce, and my sister is transferring all the violent events and emotional trauma, towards him and blames him for it, never her self. My family never look at themselves, its like a constant merry go round. As regards my mother, it will be a blessing when she passes on, this world hasn't offed the best for her, I know she was rapped by my father, and more than likely other members of my family. The psychiatric stated, that I shouldn't try to bring up the past, with my mother, she will not be able to deal with it. She never had any personal effects until recently, she was used and abused, so was I. I used to hide under the bed, and in the wardrobe to escape the dreadful environment I lived in. School was almost as bad, since I couldn't mix, I got targeted, so I was burning both ends of the candle and no where to run, except be by my self.

I will meet you under the bed!! And in the wardrobe, I had forgotten that safe place until you mentioned it!
But now, I do not need to hide any more.

With love, jessamy xxxxx

[bogeyman]

I found in the beginning of dealing with all this, writing it down for yourself did help me. It was difficult at first but it allowed it to come out, since I talked to no one about it in my family, since it was that kind of situation, no discussion at all about this things. I was very emotional when I first told my GP in order to get counseling, but time, and reflection can help, but you have to be ready and out of the environment you are in. Because the barriers which are up in order for you to protect yourself in some degree, will start to come down, and you need to be in a safe place when this happens, because it is painful, emotionally, and their is a lot of angry and negativity. Also you have to be in the frame of mind to want to help your self out of the situation, instead of the repetition of violence, manipulation and lies. Its like pealing onions layer by layer, and it is hard looking at your self. But it can be done, time is a great healer.

[Bhusunda]

Thanks for this beautiful post Bill. Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences, I had to shed some tears reading so far, reminding me of my own problems with my parents and how it is healing now.

My parents have been both refugee kids fleeing from East Prussia and Silesia from the Russians at the end of the second world war. The whole german after-war generation is kind of traumatized by this. They were fighting with hunger, rape and survival. We only found out after the death of my grandma some years ago, that one of her kids, a very beloved aunt of us, was actually the offspring of such a rape. My grandma never told anyone and treated her as if it has been the child of her husband, who died in the war, exploding with a truck-full of ammunition. My father grew up with a lot of brothers and sisters on a farm. It was a tough life as he said, and the only fondness he seemed to have was the memory of his father who died shortly after the war, his mother was never loved by my father, and it seems by by most of his brothers and sisters too.

Looking back from now, it is no surprise anymore for me, why my father treated me like he did. He was not able to understand me and my search for truth, as soon as I was able to read. He wanted me to value how important it is to have a god job. At some time he got a serious alcohol addiction and we suffered from occasional outrages and beatings from him. My brothers and m sister tried to avoid him at all costs in that period. Nevertheless It took me a long time to actually forgive him for the hatred towards me he showed me when he beat me, lying down on the floor, trying to protect me from his kickings, while my mother screaming behind him, trying to hold him back.
Bu my father got back in track, he always had a strong will.

In that time I read thru virtually everything that the municipal library had to offer, down to UFO literature, Dänikens books. I began to doubt everything that was taught to me. Then I discovered eastern philosophies. I turned vegetarian shortly after and started to do Yoga and Zen on my own, later TM. I was about 14 then, and I had long ago stopped talking to my parents at all about what was occupying my mind. My first good meditation experiences were so marvelous that I would have liked to scream it out to everyone, that all their struggle is in vain, they just need to let go and feel how they are connected to everything. I restrained from that, knowing my parents would not understand. It was already difficult to convey to my brothers and sister and my school friends. I wrote poems instead. At the age of 18 I left home and went in to an ashram for about 8 years. This became kind of the family I was actually looking for. Lots of people who spoke the same language then me.
But also this self chosen family had its dark sides and it took me quite a long time to forgive the abusive pattern there. But thats another story.

When I went to the Ashram, my father stopped talking to me for many years. My contact to my parents slowed down to a yearly visit, always hoping that somehow I would encounter some understanding, some loving embrace. Instead my father ignored me and my mother tried to play normal. But upon leaving she always embraced me, crying in my arms, and asking me why I wouldn't look for a normal job and live a normal life. But all I wanted was just acceptance, not accusations. I suffered a lot about that.

Things started to heal when I left the Ashram and tried to live a 'normal' life as it was always asked of me. Of course it went horribly wrong for me. I tried to accept normal life, but it never worked out for me. I actually traded adaptation for love, the love I so longed for. I received a lot of love, sure, but I alienated inside. I felt like living in a cocoon, and I always knew deep inside me, the day will come, I will break the cocoon and everything will explode. Of course it was much more horrible in my imagination as how it then actually turned out to be.

It just happened last year.

I separated from my wife and since then enjoy living alone, again. No more trading for love. I accept myself, and however I may desire to express myself. No more judging and comparing, instead just loving myself in its weak and strong parts.
Since this one year a lot of things have happened. Most noteworthy the relationship with my father and mother has received a great healing. I forgave both of them, forgave myself too. I told both of them that I love them. I am so happy that they are still alive and healthy, so I could say that to them.
I call them regularly now, and not only once or twice a year, with the occasional visit. They feel that I am accepting them as they are, and that I have no remorse left, and they are suddenly opening up to me. They even call me on their own now when they have some news to convey. The never did that before. My father even asked me to write my memoirs. He is deeply interested in me now, although still trying to make it not too obvious. I gave him several articles I wrote. I got no response, but what I hear sometimes from my brother or sister is, that he is deeply interested in meditation and watching documentaries about that in TV.

Life is good to me now, that I am good to me.

[Bill Ryan]

-------

Dear All -- I'm still blown away by some of the personal experiences reported on this thread.

I've just had a very valuable conversation with a close friend about this, and everything the thread triggers, and everywhere it takes us.

So here's a brief note. It was never my intention to encourage anyone to reconnect with toxic, dangerous people. You may be best off walking out of the door (as in a toxic marriage) -- and never looking back. Sometimes that's absolutely the right thing to do, and can take its own kind of courage.

The other kind of courage is what it takes to apologize to a loved one many years later, confessing that one has made a mistake.

This is what I'd first been thinking about when I posted the thread -- but then it took on a life of its own. (And rightly so, too!)

The problem with families is that you get everything in a bundle. You get old, beloved friends, returning to be with you again. You get sworn, bitter enemies, bent on revenge. And you also get strangers who mean very little, and you wonder why they're there at all. All at the same Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner.

So here's one of many problems that can arise. When one walks away from an entire family -- and someone one feels compelled to, even to save oneself from physical damage or worse -- one leaves behind not only the toxic enemies, but also old, dear friends who may be part of the same family package.

I welcome hearing from anyone who's found themselves wrestling with this dilemma. If that bond is broken, and one then reconnects, one can also find oneself reconnecting with one's own enemies. It's an extremely difficult situation to handle.

[SKAWF]

i did go back.

many years afterwards.

but as soon as i felt that the old troublesome patterns were being re established i started to get really angry.
i'd fought to get myself away from all that....

so what was i doing walking right back into it?

and it wasnt like they had changed at all.

the nearest i got to an apology was my mother putting her arm around my terminally ill step dad,
and she said 'well we all wish we'd have done things differently but......'
and then she looked at him.

it was possibly the worst example of emotional blackmail i had ever seen.

i never really related to my family.

(truth... i reckon i'm one of the second wave that delores cannon speaks of)

years later, after reforming myself, i relate to them even less than i did as a child.

and added to that....... they are all still asleep!

cest la vie

[RunningDeer]

I am 2nd oldest of 8 kids in the family. I took on a lot of responsibility, and protected my siblings. (mentioned in another post) But I chose to make a healthy life decision:

I moved out the day before my 18th birthday with a brown paper bag filled with my clothes and a couple of books. I hitch hiked to the next state over. Within a couple of weeks, I became the sole tenant of my sister’s apartment. It was enough time to find a job working third shift in a rubber mill. I registered for my last year of high school and settled into a brand new life.

No car, no license meant a lot of running home from school to catch some sleep before my 3rd shift job. Zip home for a shower and zip off to school. A couple of months into the job, I got laid off. I swallowed my pride and asked my Mom if I could borrow $100, and I’d pay her back $10 a week as soon as I found another job.

The employment agency sent me to a textile mill for an interview. As soon as the boss found out that I was still in high school, he said no. I told him that if given the chance I’d work for free for two weeks to show him how hard a worker I was. That Friday, I got my first paycheck of $54.

$54 dollars - $30 weekly rent - $10 Mom’s loan = $14 net for groceries and lunch money, and laundry mat, and the occasional “Drake's: Frosted Peanut Butter Creme Funny Bones”.

I was a millionaire.

Over time, I managed to save $100 and went to the dentist down the street. Dr. Lupien was his name. Mrs. Lupien, his wife, was the kind receptionist. I explained to her that I saved up $100 dollars, and would like to make an appointment for $100 worth of work. I was there for at least several hours. Yippie for my one and only experience with gas. As an 18 year old, I had no idea of cost. But I knew they, along with others, were some mighty Angels, I’ve met along the way. I am grateful for All.

I am a millionaire.

What I was back then, I didn’t have the words, or awareness. I was just someone that on some level knew life worked in the direction one sets for herself. No question. No doubt.

P.S. I went on later to earn several advance degrees. Education was only one of my tickets out of a life that I had outgrown.

P.S.S. I never gave up on my family. Though, I have to create lots of space for it to work for me. I keep in contact with them all. Many don't speak to one another. So some holidays, I chose to say home alone. My Mom and Dad, and sister #8 have passed, but they come say hello from time to time.

I am aware of a loosening in my connection to them all. It's a natural distancing because it is my belief in this coming Mother Earth change that we've chosen different pathways.

[Christine]

I have read every post since Bill began this thread. The story being told is the story of all of us, different variations for sure, some more brutal than others. And the rare family where love and acceptance was expressed freely.

I think the real questions is what is family and why do we hold it as sacred? I believe there are influences here that really require a good honest analysis and open mind.

My story and her (the little girl's) story.

I did not grow up in an openly hostile home, the abuse was subversive with lots of emotional manipulation and entanglements. The needy mom, the out in the world business man dad, brothers fighting. And myself… oldest child, daughter who discovered at two years old she was the wisest being in the family, so I took it all on my shoulders.

My parents fought a lot, cheated on each other, were on again off again in the amount of attention they could spare their children.

One of my earliest deeply etched memories is being afraid, terrified really, probably waking from a nightmare which were frequent in our household. I found my way to my parents room hoping that I would be comforted, I wanted to climb into their bed but was roughly rejected. I think the paradigm of the time was to not spoil your children…. The result was a little girl curled up on the floor shivering and alone. I know I decided from that moment forward I had to be strong enough to make it alone. I learned early that I couldn’t count on anyone else, though I desperately needed to.

And in the inexplicable way of the mind of a child she decided she must be guilty of something and so she took the guilt on herself.

The setting is a common middle class suburb with backyard barbecues and children playing in the streets. Softball games, outings to the beach, camping trips and school. Best friends, entry into other families. The little girl documented it all in her mind. Some things didn’t add up.

Years passed, and this little girl grew up in her suburban world. She experienced sexual abuse at the hands of a close family friend, she never dared say a word, just took it into herself in her guilt and culpability. She was propositioned by her best friends father when she was eleven. She saw the fear in her friends eyes… the little girls said nothing to each other.

At fourteen she decided she did not need her parents anymore, they were barely there anyway. Her friends became her allies as she experimented with drugs, she drifted further away from the family into a world of her own making. But she had no grounding, no safe place and her recklessness took her deeper into the subterranean world of drugs and more abuse.

At nineteen she found herself homeless living on the streets with no home to go back to. She is still not sure where he parents were at this time. She reached out to them on occasion but they never really knew what was happening. Eventually she found herself so distraught, alone and ashamed that taking her own life seemed the only way out. She couldn’t do that though, for six months she struggled back to the surface, back to a semblance of life. Her parents were no where around during this time.

Still not sure of why she was here, always a stranger in a strange land, she started to conform to the expectations around her, took a job and started living again. As they say life goes on, she followed her heart the best she could, found herself making progress and learning, always learning.

Many, many years later a mother herself, having accomplished a full life of friends, successful businesses, a place in the general community and a deeply caring spiritual family. A pinnacle was reached. A striving completed. And then it all started to fall away.

A set of driving questions formed and demanded answers. It plagued her, Who am I? Why am I here? Is this all there is? To say that her world paradigm shattered would be correct. So down into the depths of self, exploration, strange happenings, astral projection, past life recall took over and family, success, friends, business, community all were put to the side.

None of this happened overnight, though it unfolded relatively fast. Daughter was grown, business was going strong with capable staff. A home was built in the country and she was able to dedicate herself to these pursuits. She had no idea what laid before her. She just followed the blazing road she saw open before her.

One of her tenets (or beliefs) which you could argue were right or wrong, was the understanding that the majority of our energy is given to family, to business, to all out worldly pursuits of happiness, contentment, acceptance of others. She started shredding this reality. It was harder than anything she had ever done before. Each relationship she withdrew from put up a fight, inside she doubted, outside she withdrew. Convinced that her cause was noble and necessary she sacrificed again and again. She also believed she was treading a path were few dared go that the sacrifice and difficulty were worthwhile because she was striving toward liberation, freedom and she believed not only for herself. She saw great masses of humanity tied up in these bonds, bondage, the prison without bars. Convinced that she had found a way out she continued her unraveling.

Did she make it, not yet. The chosen path terminated so abruptly that she felt herself cast back into the deepest shadows. Alone, no one, no family, no spiritual family, those she trusted with her life had turned on her. No where to go.

This is the little girl again, who grew up alone. There is nothing quite as frightening, terrifying as confronting our aloneness. Our solitude. There is the solitude of moments sought, and the solitude of our relationship with our Creator. But the feeling of absolute aloneness was the most unsettling thing she had ever experienced.

She questions why she is writing this here, maybe because she needs to acknowledge her human family again. Because on these pages of posts she finds a commonality, a bond of those who have suffered and overcome. This is the blessing of all suffering. When we learn from our mistakes, when we learn from our pain, when we learn from our awakening consciousness, when we share, when we learn from each other…. I find a spiritual family here that transcends locality, race, culture and gender.

What I want to add here at the end of this reckoning of self is that I have reconnected with my family. With my father first, then my mother, my brothers and most importantly my daughter. What I found I returned to were open arms, open hearts and forgiveness.

The greatest gift I have is that no matter what I chose, what I put myself through these people have remained loving me. It is bringing tears to my eyes as I write these words for I know I have been truly blessed over and over in this life.

I know some of you should not reconnect with family members. The stories I read are horrific, you must go and blaze a new trail for them to follow later when they have made all their own mistakes and come to their own lessons. I think this is perhaps the most loving thing you can do.

In my journey I so often was aware that I was called to break patterns, to undo the knots of karma, to go it alone to be free. It is only now in my closing days here on planet earth that I have the freedom to be with my family because I choose it not because it was imposed on me.

[RunningDeer]

Oh, man...Christine....what an uplifting story! Powerful. Encouraging. Gutsy. It's easy to see why you are here at this time. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your Authenticity and Wisdom.

PS This sounds like this post is gooey and thick. (though sincere) So, if I were to rewrite and use one word - Transformational.

[Christine]

Posted by WhiteCrowBlackDeer (here)
Oh, man...Christine....what an uplifting story! Powerful. Encouraging. Gutsy. It's easy to see why you are here at this time. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your Authenticity and Wisdom.

PS This sounds like this post is gooey and thick. (though sincere) So, if I were to rewrite and use one word - Transformational.

Thank you! I just read your personal story posted above mine. Guts, wisdom, authenticity... and a wonderful warm open healed heart. And yes transformational.

[RunningDeer]

Deleted because it's been posted on a few threads now.

[judymoon]

My upbringing has some similarities to Cathy O'Brian. I was terrified of my mom, and disassociated so much around my father that i hardly have any clear memories. My dad died when i was 11. My mom two years ago.

For most of my life i have felt unlovable and unworthy. Several years of therepy really helped me see that those feelings are commen in abused chidren and do not depict the reality of the situation.

However, I find it really hard to be in realtionship with others. I spend most of my time alone and am happiest out in nature. I seem to carry so much grief, I seem to pick up on the pain and suffering in the world and sometimes its overwhelming.

I have been a meditator since i was a teenager. My connection to Spirit (when i am open to it) is the one comfort I have.

This is the conclusion I have come to. Our souls really have no age. You have to incarnate to experience childhood. The more you learn as a soul - the tougher the lessons get. Like going from grade school to high school to college to graduate school. The tougher the childhood, the tougher the curiculum.

Because the the most powerful lessons are the ones learned when you are vulnerable and powerless. The same experiences as an adult would not be as transformational. Forgiveness is not the only lesson, and maybe not even the one you came in to work on.

Enduring a life where you feel cut off from the comfort of connection, and somehow keeping your heart open gives your soul a strength and couage and compassion you would be hardpressed to learn another way. Forgiving the unforgivable blows your heart chakra wide open and shots a beam of light that can never be put out.

This is spiritual warrior stuff, and sometimes its so grueling, people break and don't recover. And thats a different course in itself.

If reincarnation is true, then we have all had a slew of lives, including experiencing the dark side. If you had a brutal childhood, you are never going to be 'normal' , you will not fit in with the people who are doing 'normal' because you are not even taking that curiculum. You are taking one of those courses where you get dropped in a dangerous situation and left to survive on your wits. The lessons and growth wisdom acquired will be unique to your situation. Give yourself credit for surviving at all.

LOVE is waiting for all of us when we leave the physical. Being seperated from that LOVE is the hardest task. If all you want to do is get off the planet, then you're not done

This is for the damaged ones out there....you're really not alone. There are many of us, and if even one of us opens the heart chakra with absolutely no reason to, it raises all of our vibration. Don't give up.

[Fred Steeves]

You know something? I'm thinking this thread demonstrates that the human Spirit is much harder to actually break, than a cursory glance may reveal.

[M6*]

Dear Delfine.
Hang in there. Believe in yourself....and try to believe the best is yet to come!!
You are ahead of me already. I have never yet managed the courage to apply to Carol Clark for a reading!
Have a wonderful day TODAY, and know that you are blessed here on Avalon!
Sincerely, M6*

[Free Will]

"So here's one of many problems that can arise. When one walks away from an entire family -- and someone one feels compelled to, even to save oneself from physical damage or worse -- one leaves behind not only the toxic enemies, but also old, dear friends who may be part of the same family package.

I welcome hearing from anyone who's found themselves wrestling with this dilemma." quote from Bill..

This thread really hurts my heart and is veritably intense..it stirred up so much in me i requested to be 'unsubscribed' just a few hours ago, thinking for no good reason at all that my heart would feel better if i left here too..and also..i was/am afraid i might share some of what i have been through in this regard, and afraid of the possible consequences of sharing such a thing..anyway..then i saw this post from Bill, and for some reason it made me want to stay..so i just asked if it is ok that i not be 'unsubscribed' ..that's all i got for now.

Have to keep fighting 'the fear'.

[judymoon]

WhiteCrowBlackDeer.....my heart is hurting for you! I wrap you in that special love for mothers-who-lose-children and let it pour through me into you. So hard to be the ones continuing on. Your post was a beautiful memorial/rememberence of your son. Sometimes we pack a lot into a few years and then its time to go home.

[sandy]

Bill, Thank you for creating this Thread as it is absolutely Wonderful

It certainly has been a trip down memory lane and lots of resonating with abusive childhoods. Sharing one's pain is not easy and takes great courage to walk through to the other side. For me the fear of getting in touch with my pain was so great I avoided it until I was 32 and when I could see that I was doing to my son what was done to me I was horrified and suicidal. It was either blow my brains out or change the generational patterning I was emulating. I first had to stare down and own my own ugly behavior and stop blaming and take responsibility for what I had become. Although I've moved on from the 12 step program I'm grateful to Bill who founded it as it gave me the steps to begin a change process that is still in effect today

I too have a family that has not changed and both my parents have passed in the last 4 years. This has broken the family dynamics of life centered around my folks and the road to coming back together as respectful, loving siblings (5) has finally begun. I have learned that they hurt too and that their perceptions of our childhood are just as painful as mine in many ways even though our experiences were different as far as family dynamics goes. I was the oldest girl, so do relate to WCBD when it comes to responsibility and left home with a paper bag of clothes at age 16 to become a live in babysitter/housekeeper for an abusive couple with family of 5 children. ( just exactly what i had left ...go figure)

I got to spend time with my only 3 grand children for the first time in 3 years as they were allowed to stay with me for 4 days. I was very much in their lives until 3 years ago and the funny thing, even though they are beautiful young teenagers now, it was just like we had never been apart. I also had a nice visit with my only child Shane who brought them at their request. He is a very successful Dad and Business man who I have also been estranged from the past 3-4 years. I'm sure he has his own demons and pain from his early childhood (he was 12 when I sobered up) but has refused to go to counseling with me to deal with me or his childhood. I have respected him and his life in the interim and spent too many years trying to make up for it all as in the end it is his journey and I can't undo what was done.Thus I finally had to walk away from him and how he treats me too and it was the saddest day of my life as he was the only reason I sobered up in the first place. My door has always been open to him and his family since and this summer was when he walked back in if only for a short visit himself.

It is a beginning and I am grateful! However, I continue to change as in walking away I had finally found the courage to begin to love me and value myself in the ways that I do others since sobering up over 30 years ago. I went back to school having only a grade 9 education and became a Social Worker and Life Skills Coach among other Trainings to help others with a mindset that I wanted to pay back my son and society for all my wrongs. It took till I was almost 62 years old to truly start LOVING me and my wounded "little girl" unconditionally and allowing me to be me and not look for my value in what others thought or believed about me, even though I have been through lots of therapy.

What I have learned is to have boundaries for my self and spirit and now have implemented those boundaries in a loving way for myself and in presenting them to others. When my siblings step over those boundaries or are trying to I disengage emotionally and detach with love and it works every time I work to be aware of their boundaries also and if I'm getting to close to what they hold dear and I don't believe in anymore I back away with respect and disengage. I pray my son coming back into my life this summer will continue as I LOVE him dearly and my wonderful daughter-in-law and grand daughters too!! Loving boundaries are important in dysfunctional families and having and being aware of and respecting others really helps to break the cycles of pain that are mistaken for LOVE.

I so want to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread for your COURAGE to own and share your pain and LOVE for others to grow from. Without your courage there would be know sharing of the wisdom you have gained as a result. There are many old souls on this thread leading the way by telling their stories.

Your stories are my story. It is not lost by me that we are ONE!!!

[RunningDeer]

Posted by judymoon (here)
WhiteCrowBlackDeer.....my heart is hurting for you! I wrap you in that special love for mothers-who-lose-children and let it pour through me into you. So hard to be the ones continuing on. Your post was a beautiful memorial/rememberence of your son. Sometimes we pack a lot into a few years and then its time to go home.

Dear JudyMoon,
Thank you for your Loving Light healing and message.

And I agree with your statement, "Sometimes we pack a lot into a few years and then its time to go home." I say that Michael did more in his short life than many twice/three times his years.

With heart,
WhiteCrowBlackDeer

I also thank everyone for the courage to share. To my way of thinking, You are all True Warriors!

[RunningDeer]

Posted by Free Will (here)
"So here's one of many problems that can arise. When one walks away from an entire family -- and someone one feels compelled to, even to save oneself from physical damage or worse -- one leaves behind not only the toxic enemies, but also old, dear friends who may be part of the same family package.

I welcome hearing from anyone who's found themselves wrestling with this dilemma." quote from Bill..

This thread really hurts my heart and is veritably intense..it stirred up so much in me i requested to be 'unsubscribed' just a few hours ago, thinking for no good reason at all that my heart would feel better if i left here too..and also..i was/am afraid i might share some of what i have been through in this regard, and afraid of the possible consequences of sharing such a thing..anyway..then i saw this post from Bill, and for some reason it made me want to stay..so i just asked if it is ok that i not be 'unsubscribed' ..that's all i got for now.

Have to keep fighting 'the fear'.

Hi Free Will,

I'm glad you chose to stay. I signed on in February and left a couple of times, one of which I unsubscribed. I felt so vulnerable each time I put my thoughts and heart out there. Gulp and big GULP. While I was unsubscribed, I had a chance to view many threads in stealth mode. It felt safer for me. I realized that there were different energies in the threads. With some, I still hold my breath when I push the reply button. ( Shhh, our secret.) Not because of the folk on the forum, it's me still stretching in courage to share myself without the fear of ridicule, i.e. illusionary fear only. This is where I insert: "A work in progress." One thing I would never have imagined six months ago was that I'd consider the folks here in the "Land of Avalon" to be my extended family.

One of the many safe places to play is on the "Here and Now" thread. It's diverse. You can share whatever you want. Sometimes I don't want to post, so I stay in stealth mode while I read what others have to say. I've expanded my way of seeing things and am grateful for the changes in me.

Strange as this may sound, I'm standing taller these days.

With heart,
WhiteCrowBlackDeer
Oh, and Free Will, here are some "glad you stayed" balloons.

Have to keep fighting 'the fear'.

P.S. Your quote is similar to mine. I also add that fear is love turned inside out. Fear just needs an upgrade in it's GPS system.