Bill was (is) right - a view from Golden Pond

[Chester]

Posted by Reaver (here)
So if I got it right... Is the OP pointing out the fact that there few threads dedicated to solution-think and/or the lack of interest on those kind of threads?

Yes, from the point of view that there might be a problem.

No from the point of view that if there's a problem, it is the individual's problem and thus all within the power of the individual to extricate said individual from said perceived problem.

One could simply accept life anchored in the 3D physical realm to be exactly what it is (as I have done which attracted me to resignation from attempting to "save" anyone else as there is nothing any longer to be saved from). It is all up to an individual's point of view. I no longer impose mine on anyone else, I just offer the idea that it is OK each individual has their own.

[Chester]

Posted by markpierre (here)
You can't have freedom and keep opposition.

Among the many gems that come from my ACIM brother Mark, this is one I like to highlight. I adjusted the age old saying, "You are your own worst enemy" to "You are your only enemy." Once I got to that point, the ballgame was already in the bag save for the final score.

I stopped fighting myself (officially) on September 8th, effective September 19th and actualized mid afternoon of the fall equinox. Atonement reached, fully. Love Chester

Oh, and I reserve the right to descend at any moment.

[Fred Steeves]

"And Jesus wept"

John 11.

[markpierre]

Posted by justoneman (here)

Posted by Sierra (here)

Posted by markpierre (here)
There's another camp.

I'd almost say these camps are divided according to ability. Birds of a Feather recognizing their part and their team. I'm no warrior but I have a part to play nonetheless. I insist.

Thanks you saw this - my usage of the term "camp" did not properly project the point I was trying to make which was that we are all in the same camp but that each of us has our own point of view. That I resigned as "savior" was my simple recognition that all other points of view have validity and that it is (and perhaps only is) up to the individual to decide what is true for them at any given moment.

I left solitude and joined the rest of us.

Love Chester

That's cool Chester, but the world is your point of view. You're state of mind to be a little more responsible. We don't create from what we think or believe. we create
from our actual position in relationship with ourselves. The idea of other perspectives is a good honest one, because if you break it down they must all fit within
your own, in agreement or opposition to it, they're all interpreted by your own criteria which is mostly hidden from you. It includes opposition obviously. It includes what agrees or expands.
They don't necessarily have validity, they just simply are. None of them have anything to do with reality, but contribute to exposing it.
Let everything you see and think and believe in go, and what everyone else thinks, and reality can't go unrevealed because that's all that was ever there in the first place.

That way you can recognize that all those 'others' do express your state of mind directly,
and you can include them in as a bigger both more complex and simple view from which you project both victims and heroes and entertain possibilities that don't appear to your liking.
It's simple because it makes sense, and gives what seems purposeless a true purpose.
It's that senselessness that we see that makes us feel helpless and victimized.

I'm a victim and I want to be a hero, I'm a victim and I'll include everyone else as victims, but I want us (me) to emerge victorious.
But you can't have both. Just emerge. Keep emerging. Catch yourself contracting and emerge from it. You have to practice. You do get to be the hero of your own dream, but only because it's your dream, and you'd populated it with your own ideas. It's sweet, but it's a cheap victory. You'll probably just be embarrassed for a sec.

You know what? The 'future' isn't down the track. It's the next thought you have and the next action you take derived from whatever you're thinking and doing right now, and on it goes. Every thought inspires the next.
Change what you focus on now, if you want to change the future.

There's a lot of dishonesty in not accepting responsibility for all that, and a lot of relief when you do. We write our own script. The content is meaningless apart from context. You generally find out the point of the movie, just before the end of it. That's what you're coming on to.
The surprise ending of limitation.
What's after that? Everything you don't even realize you want.

What's interesting about my association with ACIM, is that nothing practical ever changed in me in the years I studied it and mimicked it. It wasn't until I abandoned it and found myself dealing with my world uncloistered that I recognized it had changed some fundamental things in the way I think.
Losing the ability to judge was a standout.
Sitting there one day struggling to judge a situation that seemed to require that I have an 'opinion'. I had none. What the?
I recommend it as a discipline, but don't believe it and don't make a gospel out of it.
It will bite you right on the ass.

[Chester]

Wouldn't it be interesting if what I attempted was a communication that did not begin with denying wholeness... a communication in the spirit of the whole... attempting to transmit I resigned from separateness by allowing that separateness to drop away while simultaneously allowing others to see themselves separate if they so wish - I failed to communicate this well with my words. Sometimes it can only be pointed to - still learning here how to do it.

Perpetual Student of Retirement.

[markpierre]

Posted by justoneman (here)
Wouldn't it be interesting if what I attempted was a communication that did not begin with denying wholeness... a communication in the spirit of the whole... attempting to transmit I resigned from separateness by allowing that separateness to drop away while simultaneously allowing others to see themselves separate if they so wish - I failed to communicate this well with my words. Sometimes it can only be pointed to - still learning here how to do it.

Perpetual Student of Retirement.

But there's more fun Chester. You can't have post 25 without post 1. And everything that happens in between.
Really, you have to start from the bottom every single time. But the bottom raises because you're literally taking pieces of it away and changing it.
It's still the same action it always was.

If you don't go to the bottom, you find a way to avoid it, airy fairy your way around it, nothing changes.

How relatively dead were you twenty years ago compared to two? I'm just a couple years older. If you're like me, the contrast is glaring.

We should be excited about that.

Retired now. Oh oh, now you have more time to think.

[Chester]

Posted by markpierre (here)

Posted by justoneman (here)
Wouldn't it be interesting if what I attempted was a communication that did not begin with denying wholeness... a communication in the spirit of the whole... attempting to transmit I resigned from separateness by allowing that separateness to drop away while simultaneously allowing others to see themselves separate if they so wish - I failed to communicate this well with my words. Sometimes it can only be pointed to - still learning here how to do it.

Perpetual Student of Retirement.

But there's more fun Chester. You can't have post 25 without post 1. And everything that happens in between.
Really, you have to start from the bottom every single time. But the bottom raises because you're literally taking pieces of it away and changing it.
It's still the same action it always was.

If you don't go to the bottom, you find a way to avoid it, airy fairy your way around it, nothing changes.

How relatively dead were you twenty years ago compared to two? I'm just a couple years older. If you're like me, the contrast is glaring.

We should be excited about that.

Retired now. Oh oh, now you have more time to think.

I see said the blind man to the deaf woman over the telephone.

I hate it when someone is right (and I didn't want them to be)! justone

[Chester]

I just re-read post #24 and somehow "saw" what I could not see last night. "I" (this body trapped experience of "i") always has the most clarity in the AM and after that first cup of coffee kicks in.

I recall when I reached that understanding that forgiveness was no answer - somehow not ever judging was the key. Yet I wake each day in this dense physical realm and it is essentially all and only a constant state of making decisions which require some form of judgement to even become something that a decision can be based upon.

And I wish (because of my judgement that I am simply tired of all this) that I could retire but as you pointed out in post #26 I would then have nothing to do but "think" which is true and which, ironically is the worst form of self imposed enslavement. I now understand why NancyV says she's ready to go whenever and at anytime.

Sadly, I still have one more fight left in me (at least) and (being honest). Uuggghhhhh markpierre - I look at your PIC and I get this sense you are sneaking up from behind me and peeking into my most private areas where all my current "truths" reside. Man I hate that but I hate worse lying to myself.

[Jenci]

Hi Chester

It's great to see how your journey is unfolding. I am not sure I agree with Bill though either, that it may take generations. I'm more thinking that we will always have the "bad guys", whoever the "bad guys" may be at any given time.

The fact that you are now aware of what is beyond all the manipulation, control and fear is amazing. The bad guys no longer have the power to control you as they are seen for the illusion that they are.

Very often this awakening, which brings the new level of awareness, has a tremendous force of energy. We can literally feel like we have been rocketed right out of the illusion as everything is viewed from this new level of awareness. We can feel like we have transcended - gone beyond - all of that, left it all behind and life is starting anew.

This event is an experience. As experiences go, in human terms, it's fairly rare so it is not very often understood by others, who may think we have actually gone bonkers.

But the point is that however amazing, powerful and life changing this event is, it is still an experience. And all experiences are illusion.

The actual awakening itself has to wake up all of the illusion, rather than just transcend it.

The initial energetic force of the awakening takes us up and out of the illusion. This is a necessary part of the process to give new awareness but is the initial part of the process, rather than the end.

The energetic force of the awakening dies down and as it does we go back down into all of the illusion we have left behind. One minute we are enlightened and the next we are right back in the crap we have left behind. We may feel that something has gone wrong but it hasn't.

The purpose of this descending back into the illusion is to bring the new awareness to all of the illusion - in other words wake up every single part of the being where the illusion is hanging out, pretending it is the real.

This is where the perpetual student starts on the next set of lessons. This is where everything gets to be unravelled as each fear, hope, desire, idea, concept, conditioning, programming etc etc gets to be examined carefully in the new level of awareness.

It's good work for those who are presented with the lessons. It's not easy but the initial awakening itself can propel us through the work with new courage.

There may be may more experiences along the way, some good, some bad, all of them will come and go but with each one something deeper, more authentic than any of the experiences will emerge.

Jeanette

[markpierre]

Posted by justoneman (here)
I just re-read post #24 and somehow "saw" what I could not see last night. "I" (this body trapped experience of "i") always has the most clarity in the AM and after that first cup of coffee kicks in.

I recall when I reached that understanding that forgiveness was no answer - somehow not ever judging was the key. Yet I wake each day in this dense physical realm and it is essentially all and only a constant state of making decisions which require some form of judgement to even become something that a decision can be based upon.

And I wish (because of my judgement that I am simply tired of all this) that I could retire but as you pointed out in post #26 I would then have nothing to do but "think" which is true and which, ironically is the worst form of self imposed enslavement. I now understand why NancyV says she's ready to go whenever and at anytime.

Sadly, I still have one more fight left in me (at least) and (being honest). Uuggghhhhh markpierre - I look at your PIC and I get this sense you are sneaking up from behind me and peeking into my most private areas where all my current "truths" reside. Man I hate that but I hate worse lying to myself.

I'm peering up your what? Paranoia points out your secrets. I don't know about your secrets. But if I talk to the soul of someone, generally it's the soul that talks back.-
It's simple psychotherapy Chester. I love the term 'autolysis'. Love it-love it-love it. Self digestion. Burning the dross.
But any therapy you do you generally have an expectation, and walk out with whatever you asked for. If you're truthful with yourself.
Miserable people must want to be miserable or lonely or whatever they're enjoying or they wouldn't be. They're free to choose.
What do you choose? What's your expectation, or beyond it?

When you fall into this work, because you have to if it's your time, you've made a commitment that you don't know about.
You can back out at any time, but the rest of the universe is supporting the commitment. It's painted on every wall you see.
You might have a revelation, talk about it, form a workshop, write a book and hit the lecture circuit. Great success right? Law of attraction.
But all you've really done is waste some more time. It usually looks like the bottom falls out of everything.
Because it was false. It has to be rebuilt very carefully in order to not interfere with what you know you have to do to stay true.

Jenci knows. We wouldn't pick this path out of a holiday brochure. Whatever forces us to look that far in there generally isn't pleasant. Whatever circumstances or realizations.
They work together.
Judgement is an easy one. 'I don't know what I'm looking at'. That's where I start. Then it doesn't matter what I pick or what I do. Or what I see. Or even how I react.

I regard you as an honest operator Chester. I wouldn't doubt yourself. Or go ahead but make it useful.

[Sierra]

Posted by justoneman (here)
@ Sierra - Post #5
Wise and why I backed off. I have a good bit of too much yet circumstantial evidence my father may have been an assassin for "the cabal" and he committed suicide (or so we think) when he was 44 years old. When I was growing up, it appears I may also have been "tested" to see if I could follow in his same path but was fortunate to have found marijuana at age 15 which caused me to experience many episodes of psychosis.

Why I say this was all fortunate is because it is clear now in hindsight that if I indeed was being considered, I proved myself far too crazy (in fact I am known as Crazy Chester by some within my day job industry), even for the "illumed and nutty" as I lovingly call my family's friends. I became aware of the "conspiracy" in 2002 when I was about 44 or so years old and recall reading about how MK Ultra is supposed to work and recall reading how many within these programs are also implanted with suicide programs. I recall reading this was done because it was found that around age 50, much of one's programming would start to wear off. Thus, the suicide program was implanted such that when the asset reached this stage, they would self terminate and thus better protect the "program."

Yes. My father was electroshocked in the Naval Air Force during WWII. When my sister asked him to explain, he grew extremely frustrated and begged her to understand, he COULD NOT explain. He could not SAY what he knew. He begged her to figure it out.

He committed suicide at 53. After my sister told me what had happened (last year, after I had been on Avalon for awhile, for which I am extremely grateful or what she told me would have made no sense), I did a life review and some research. Here is what I came up with.

There are family members that have died and been brought back to life. By "a side" that I will call angels, since my cultural upbringing and mind set translate the 4D-11D appearance to angels. These angels killed every one of the Satanists involved (after asking the permission of the one who died and was brought back to life) in the rape, torture, mutilation, and death of quite a few people. Why did she have these experiences? Because she prayed, ASKED to understand evil, at a very young age. The family member who died, was only 18 at the time, and had no awareness of things that are commonly discussed on Avalon. What she did have was a relationship with angels. To the point that when she was starving, a plate of food that never was empty, appeared on her kitchen table. She dances with them, she sings with them, she fights with them. BTW, when you do these things, you already know the song, the steps to partake in the joy. The cues to order a battalion of angels into action however, had to be taught.

How cool is that.

(BTW, when I say "ASKED", the kind of prayer went like this: I don't care what you need, use me God. I don't care if I come off like a stupid horse's ass, a complete fool, use me God. Let me be of use to you God. Let me understand God. Complete and utter surrender.)

Since starting to read the Houman thread, I've reviewed incidents to see if there is evidence of an early MK Ultra training in my life. I'd say no. I was born deaf, with cerebral palsy which I later outgrew, and I too started smoking pot at 18 or so. I think I was rejected as uncontrollable and unteachable. I barely learned to speak at the age of four, before the tabula rasa childhood development phase completed. But there is circumstantial evidence in odd little things that would make no sense, unless you'd been there, done that. Certainly no proof.

The names and bloodlines of my family tree are disgusting, a part of the Illuminati structure.

My father tried to kill me when I was 18 months old, when my mother was in the hospital giving birth to my younger sister. This came out in a Reichian therapy session, unreeling in front of my eyes like a movie, complete with all the thoughts and feelings I had at the time. Babies have understanding, without words. I knew what grief was as a baby. I knew what love was as a baby. I knew I was dying and all I cared about was ... he did not love me.

So what. Here is what I think.

• Extreme suffering does awaken parts of the brain that otherwise would continue to sleep.
• We choose the events that happen in our lives, we are a part of the karma that belongs to a family line.
• Growth is the whole point of being here. How we get there, is pretty much irrelevant to us, once we die and review. No judgement.
• I asked for the hand that was dealt to me. From what I can tell, I have not asked to understand evil, only to witness what happens to those who do, with enough of the right experience under my belt, to comprehend what I saw.
• I don't believe that one is a victim if one has gone through these experiences. Or not. We are all works in progress, facing similar things one way or another. As we "get it", things change. Some things take more than one lifetime to process. Trial and error. Trial and error. Patience.
• Judgement is something to get past, it stops things. It mightily FUBAR our relationships with each other, with self.

So, should I be grateful for the impetus in growth that came out of evil? Probably. And as an oddity, there are things I KNEW would never happen to me, that I would never have to experience, rape being one of them, despite my father having raped both of his other daughters. (I have done a life between lives regression that explained this, showing basically I had enough on my plate lol.)

Posted by justoneman (here)
Now here is what I do not know.

I do not know if what I experienced was because of any program put forth by earth humans. I have no physical evidence, just a vast amount of smelly but only circumstantial evidence.

I do not know that what I experienced was put forth by Spirit Beings that could not be called earth humans (in any form, physical or not, in our dimension or not).

I do not know what I experienced was by any "devil" being like satan or any other name you might want to apply to a singular personification of evil.

I believe I have the ability to inform another as to how I was able to do this and do so in such a way that a truly willing individual could accelerate their own process of self liberation. I have zero fear of the Satanic Cabal, the Illuminati, the archontic structure in the 3rd dimension, the elements beyond the physical 3d realm that is under the archontic umbrella nor satan, itself. I have zero fear of the purported artificial intelligence mechanism some believe manages our material realm experience. I do not care if I am abducted each and every night and that they implant physical chips in any of my available orifices. I do not care if there's a single mental implant. I do not mind any attempts to plant any type of program that might effect my emotional field. I do not care if I am watched via any type of big brother mechanism. In fact, I do not even care to charge for the show and expect no royalties along those lines.

Why have I reached this place? Because what I found true for me is that any alternative is nothing but a sellout. And to sell out is no longer acceptable.

Whew JustOne. I'm not there with the place you have reached. I do know the fight we fight, takes place in all dimensions. As above, so below. That you give permission for anything to move in on your sovereignty disturbs me. But again, no judgement, this may be what you have chosen to experience. And it actually on some level sounds balanced. It sounds as if by letting go, there is no power over you. But yes, it would take a truly willing commitment, to reach that place lol.

Posted by justoneman (here)
Retirement has been good (so far). Want to go fishing with me sometimes? They got peacock bass here in Costa Rica. Quite enjoyable.

Love to All
Chester

Fishing? Nah. But I'll sit on the beach and bliss out with you and Ulli. You'd probably tell Ulli and I to GO AWAY, we'd be flapping so much the fish would sit past the breakers and laugh at you.

Love, Sierra

[ulli]

Posted by Sierra (here)

Fishing? Nah. But I'll sit on the beach and bliss out with you and Ulli. You'd probably tell Ulli and I to GO AWAY, we'd be flapping so much the fish would sit past the breakers and laugh at you.

Love, Sierra

Oh, Sierra....you're such a bliss head!!!
No wonder, considering where you've been.
I'd love to tease Justoneman though and make him lose all his fish...
Nah...just kidding.
No splashing..only tippitoeing into the waters.

[donk]

The Horus-ra, your solutions threads (I still haven't finished reading the second one ), and even this one have all been part of the solution for me.

If you want to put me in a camp, I'm in one that learned and grew intensely through reading and contributing and feedback, and appreciate the fact that people like you are available to help.

Thanks to all who have been a part of it, thanks to the nearly endless ideas and real knowledge provided I have been able to better discern outside influences from internal conflict within myself and others much better. I have been able to make sense of the "paranormal" stuff seemingly increasing in my life, and finding out the magnitude of my responsibility on bringing it all on.

Cuz that's what i learned best: my will and intent focused on solution and fixing things have a direct effect on how the "problems/challenges" develop. I learned when I kick back and let to and just be, answers and solutions become more visible or obvious.

Much love and thanks to all

[gripreaper]

I agree with Sierra. From the level of the soul, we choose the experiences we are having in this lifetime, in order to vibrate a certain polarized frequency, so that the body gets used to and understands it and it becomes a part of our DNA. Then the next life, we choose something else. We choose all of our lifetimes and all of our experience.

Our "soul family" are typically the same souls we reincarnate with. One time we might be the mother to the son, or the daughter to the father, or the uncle to the mother, etc. We choose to be female or male, the place and time we are born, the parents and family we grow up in, and the culture as well as the time in history.

For example. let's say you want to really ground your root chakra, since your soul is reluctant to be here on planet earth in a body. You've tried several times, but your lives are always short. You've tried simple lifetimes, like being a farmer where your hands are always in the dirt and you are close to the earth, and your wife really loves you and you and her have grounding sex all the time, yet you still die young and leave the planet early. So, as this pattern gets "grooved", you choose more intense experience the next life.

So, you choose experience which really deeply vibrates your first chakra, such as fear, terrror and survival. The root chakra, which is the color red, vibrates slowly, like the earth. You might choose to live in a culture that is poor and struggling with survival needs, in order that your focus would be entirely on survival, the root chakra, and not anything else. You might choose an abusive father, so that you would feel the fear and terror of not being fully grounded and safe on the earth. This is the antithesis of the farmer sex lifetime.

Everything we experience is a co-creation with two polarities, and is an agreement on a soul level between the two souls who are co-creating the experience. There are no victims in anything. Everything is a choice. The universe is always in perfect balance.

I know this is hard for some to accept, but just try it on for a few days and filter your life through this context, and see if it does not bring more gratitude, peace, understanding and forgiveness. Once we realize that we set the whole thing up and that no one is doing anything "to" us, but that we are a willing participant in the co-creation, it becomes easier.

One day, I will tell my story and how I came to understand this. From the soul level, it is all just experience. Yes, murder, rape, starvation, power struggles, drama... are all just experience to the soul. One lifetime you are the tyrant and the next lifetime you play the victim. One lifetime you are the king in the castle, with all of your desires met, and the next you mop the floors of the castle. You get to be on both sides in order to fill in your energy field and build it into fulness, to learn empathy and understanding.

How else would you be able to "feel" sorrow, empathy, compassion and understanding for the starving child, if you had not experienced that yourself? See where this goes once you at least agree to embrace the idea that this is true? You've "been there, done that". That's how you know. That's how you know how it feels. That is how the energy gets deeply imbedded into your DNA and becomes part of the wholeness that you are.

This is how you fill the body with light (enlightenment) and eventually reach the fulness of all experience, and are able to hold the fulness of light in a body, and create your own universe. This is "the path" to becoming a master at Joy and bliss.

When we're all ascended and returned to source, we'll laugh about it all. Who knows, we may decide to take another round on the roller coaster of lives on earth for another 16 billion years because it was so much fun! (exclamation point)

[Chester]

Beware - Mega Monster Post

To All – if you can imagine it... I have that “I just gotta hug this person” feeling for each of you – what responses!

I recall yesterday afternoon when I was able to get back and read the posts again I thought to myself, “If I were Bill and the Mods, I would be thinking it is threads like this that make it all worthwhile.”

@ Sierra – I thank you for opening up like you did. I understand how hard it is to do it. The tiny but critically significant bits you revealed of your story help me. More than anything, it helps me that I know I am not alone. It also helps me because I get the sense from reading what you write that you have done a good bit of healing which inspires me. In fact, in my early days, it was posts from those who appeared to have achieved clarity in their lives that gave me hope I, too, might get out of that deep, bottomless pit of despair.

Now for details – the part of your story regarding family members who dies and were brought back to life.

When I married my first wife back in 1989, I was convinced she was the woman of my life, that our love would withstand all storms, that nothing could ever break us apart. I had pure, husbandly love for her. Now consider that statement. I was only 32 years old, but at that time my intent was to always be there for her in any way and no matter what.

Now, fast forward to the fall of 1999. We had moved to the island of Curacao because of my career. We had three sons ages 8, 6 and 4. I not only owned a large part of my business, but was the CEO so to speak, paid extremely well, etc. We had a fantasy life. She had her dream – to have no responsibility other than to be Mother for our sons. She created some cool friendships on this lovely Dutch island. I was becoming a local legend in a good way and life looked perfect and the future looked even better.

In mid Octoberish, Mandy had arranged to take a trip back to the states to visit family. She took two friends she had made in Curacao and they planned to stay a few weeks. I found myself alone at home one evening and recalled Mandy mentioning she had watched a great movie called, “What Dreams May Come,” with Robin Williams. This is an amazing movie – here is the Wikipedia link which summarizes the movie well –

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What_Dr...ome_%28film%29

In the movie, Chris and Annie had an ideal life with two children. But they lost their two children in a horrible car accident. This caused Annie to suffer emotional problems that almost led to divorce, but they recommitted to life and avoided divorce (Chris avoided giving up on her). Then one year to the day they had decided officially not to divorce, Chris was killed in a car accident as well.

Chris goes to “heaven.” In heaven Chris realizes “his immediate surroundings are controlled by his imagination.” He meets a “guide” who assist him in his acclimation to “heaven.” Suddenly Chris and his guide, Albert, see a Blue Jacaranda tree which matched a tree painted by Annie (who is still alive on earth though now terribly depressed). The guide, Albert mentions that the appearance of this tree means Chris and Annie (the Father and Mother) were “soul mates.” Soon after, Annie commits suicide. Chris is relieved at first that Annie suffers no more but then becomes angry when he is told “that those who commit suicide are sent to “hell,” as it is their nature to create "anti-fantasy" worlds based on their pain.”

It was at this exact part in the movie that the telephone rang. I answered and it was Gisela, one of Mandy’s two friends. She informed me that while they were driving back to Dallas from visiting my Mother in Colorado, that Mandy had swallowed several dozen anti-depression pills in an attempt to commit suicide. She was riding in the back seat of their rent a car when she did this. They were somewhere in the state of New Mexico. Gisela and Naomi (Mandy’s other friend) had rushed her to a hospital where she was ok, but clearly the situation was as it was.

Now understand I mentioned my own Father’s successful suicide which occurred when I was 21 years old. I loved my Father like no one ever in my whole life until I met my wife, Mandy. I always vowed to give her the love my Father showed me. I then vowed the same for our sons. Yet understand that I was raised in Texas and was very aware of the Christian concepts regarding suicide – that by committing suicide, one is destined for eternal “hell.”

So imagine I am at the mid-point of this movie, just after Chris is told Annie has gone to “hell” (implying that is the case because that is “the rules”) when I get the call about Mandy.

Over the course of the next 5 months, Mandy attempted suicide 4 more times. I now want to share about the 5th attempt. This 5th attempt occurred while she was in Dallas. We had already experienced a few terrible knock-down, drag out physical encounters over the course of this 5 month stretch. All because of something in Mandy that seemed to be of the same nature as what Donk is apparently dealing with and posting about over in Horus-Ra. One time, in front of our children I had to physically remove her from our home because she had gone totally berserk and I was afraid she might harm our sons. Those were horrific experiences because I loved her so much and could not understand how much less why we had devolved into this type of relationship.

Now it was March of 2000 and Mandy was in Dallas. I was in a board meeting with the two powerful and extremely wealthy Dutch investors, the managing director of our support company and the new CEO of my company (as I had resigned to become “chief consultant” though I still controlled the company through my ownership shareholder position).

Suddenly a call came through to the conference room. It was one of my top guys who told me, “Mandy did it again and it doesn’t look like she’ll make it this time.” I did not say a word to anyone in the room. All 4 gentlemen in this room were of the opinion by now that if she wants to kill herself, then she should go ahead and do it and make sure she does it properly. Part of me wanted to inform them so that I could leave the meeting because I was freaking out inside again, because I wanted to go “do something” as if there were anything I could do. But I also recall feeling a strange and uncomfortable feeling of resignation immediately followed by detachment. I also recall projecting I might feel relief from this ongoing drama if it would finally end and end in her death. I didn’t say a word to anyone and the meeting went on until completion.

But the instant it was over I drove straight home and went into the corner of my bedroom and faced the direction of Dallas, Texas and started some sort of heart/thought projection act where I invoked God and demanded God not let her die.

Later that day, I spoke with the doctor who attended to Mandy in the emergency room. He told me, “Chester, she was dead. We were in process of wrapping things up, unhooking and turning off the machines, cleaning up the emergency room when she did like in the movies... where she suddenly does some giant gasp of air and comes raising up off the table wide eyed and full of life. I have never seen anything like this before.”

Now each time she had pulled one of these suicides, she ended up going to Timberlawn which is a private psychiatric hospital in east Dallas. She was sent there again. Then one day just a few weeks later she called me and said, “Chester, I am all ok now and am coming back to Curacao.” I was shocked as I could hear clearly in her voice something had truly changed but I also had concerns as it seemed to have happened so fast and so I was worried it wasn’t real. Regardless, I was glad she was returning and I had a strange sense the rash of suicide attempts was over.

When she came back, I recall having a strange sense inside me that something indeed was different but not necessarily good different. Then about two weeks or so after she got back, she told me, “Thank you, Chester for coming to Dallas for me.” But I didn’t come to Dallas at all, so I asked her what she meant. She said, “You did! I saw you looking at me through the glass door when I was laying on the emergency room table! You were there! Thank You, thank you...”

I had a strange feeling then but I did not have the knowledge nor experience regarding out of body capability, but I now realize that when I had gone to my corner of the bedroom and did that “act” I must have projected some part of me that appeared to her in that same realm (could it have been the astral?) and that I convinced her Spirit to change its mind and not physically die. I played God. And what came back was Mandy... and something else.

I will not get into the details of the next 1.5 years but I can assure you we descended together into the most horrific, “War of the Roses,” experience one could ever imagine. It ended at the exact same time 9/11 happened. In fact, my personal world and the global situation had an eerie linkage but this also is a story for another time.

We filed for divorce in early October, 2001 and were granted the divorce in late December and the divorce was finalized on February 26th, 2002 – done real fast. Mandy went one direction and I, somehow, went another. She ended up abandoning everything in her life including our sons and became a crack whore living in the worst neighborhoods of the streets of Curacao. She had escaped from a mental hospital her Mother had committed her into legally and the Curacao police didn’t care to lock her back up.

I met my second (and current wife, Cristina) on January 28th 2002, we were married exactly 7 months later and still happily married to this day. I was given full custody of my sons and by August of 2003 was living in Panama and on the way to my second nightmare which is also a story for another time.

Anyways, the points in sharing all the above are – I had to get over my “Christian” programming regarding suicide, “heaven” and “hell” and I have. I recently had a conscious OBE which was quite impacting as I realized via direct experience (gnosis) that there is no actual “death” only death of our physical bodies. I realized that it may be better to allow one to make their own soul level decisions (that perhaps I should have not done what I did that afternoon of her 5th suicide attempt) but this last one was at least an honest intention in that we (the boys and I) loved her dearly and we did not want her to die.

Again, a story for another time (and I have touched on it before in other posts (one post above)) but suicide entered my life again less than one year ago and this time I was the one playing around with that form of leaving one’s physical body.

I no longer entertain the thought that suicide is some sin much less a sin some external “god” has deemed unforgivable. I long since shed any belief in any heaven or hell other than the heavens and hells we create along the way of any of our experiences as Spirit Beings. I no longer “fear” death and in fact, look forward to what is next. Having said that, I have reached a place in life where I love life and live life to the very fullest. But I also have accepted the wisdom in the statement, “Live and Let Live” which is one of the reasons behind my recent “retirement” as a savior. Another reason I resigned as a savior is because saviors imply victims. I no longer believe I am helping anyone who may perceive themselves to be a victim (or perceive others to be victims) by presenting myself in any way as some sort of “answer” because I am convinced all answers reside within each of us and that to truly obtain an answer one must bring these answers forth from within. Any externally delivered answer, unless it is equally found within, will never anchor in any permanancy at the level of one’s Soul. This is my current opinion.

Having said the above, I have discovered that when one is able to come upon answers from within, one can experience amazing synchronicities that manifest in their outer experience. I now will mention the most important thing I discovered in this regard and again, this is only true for me and true as of now. I may one day change my mind about the following.

Life appears to be a journey where one can chum along and gain some knowledge along the way. One can also dive deeply into life and attempt to force knowledge to the surface of their conscious mind. This second way of living can be difficult, but I found that the rewards are well worth it. And now for the key of what I wanted to relate. I started experiencing all but impossible synchronicities a long, long time ago. But I made an error that these synchronicities were gifts from “God” that I was on the right path in my thinking and being in that I would conclude that a particular thought I might have had which I then experienced a miraculous synchronicity had to have been a 100% true thought. I would then freeze the thought (generally a concept) as true at God’s level – meaning that it was an eternal truth.

The problems started when I would begin to venture into thoughts that appeared to oppose a previously “frozen” or “chiseled in stone” concept and that these new, conflicting concepts would also be supported by miraculous synchronicities. Because I experienced conflict at the quantum physical level, I became so disillusioned that I sunk into a significant self anesthetizing process where I used massive amounts of strong marijuana which allowed me to experience a great deal more incredible, fantastic experiences but which also led to the point where I sunk into a deep psychosis. In that state something took over the voices in my head (which I had always thought was God and/or my Higher Self). The inner voice became taken over by what I believe to be “the archontic forces.” I have always wondered if there may be one or more physical implants that could somehow be used in such a way that a “voice” or “voices” could be heard in one’s head. I also wondered if it could be some other form of thought projection which could produce the same result. This type of thinking is coming from the us/them dynamic as you can see.

If one considers the possibility that they were born into one of these “families” which appear to receive direct and/or special attention from any level of the archontic structure, and one actually has direct experiences of this like you have, Sierra (and others have that may be reading our thread), that might suggest your life experience is different than most others. I can understand why the vast majority of humanity might not even allow themselves to be open to the possibility of these things.

From the testimonies of others who have been involved in the MK Ultra programs in any form, we know we are in a minority amongst humanity as a whole. When we then consider the idea that MK Ultra is simply one program within a larger umbrella of programs where we also find satanic ritual practice, where we might also find alien abduction phenomena and many other manifestations of these phenomena and we consider the possibility that at some level of our Being we may have perhaps authorized our own experience (like I realized as true for myself), one might find true empowerment, like I did as stated by the way I now feel about all this in Post #18.

Now back to the point about synchronicity confirming concepts. What I found because of the conflicts of confirmation that I was simply “truth hopping.” What I mean is I was bouncing around from point of view to point of view, finding each time I invested myself at the deeper level of my consciousness in any one point of view, the physical reality as well as the “voice” or “voices” in my head would magically align with and confirm the truth I held at any given moment.

It was only after my own “long, dark night of the soul” experience, where I sunk into such utter despair because I wasn’t even capable of killing myself, and that I had stopped intake of any mind altering substance other than coffee (meaning no alcohol either) and then started my second stint here at Avalon (last March 15thish) that I began a process of truth explorations where I was able to hone everything down to some simple, basic truths and essentially reinvent myself.

I now have a completely new cosmic view of life which has these few secrets – and many, ironically, come from my experience with AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) which I no longer ever attend and by the way haven’t for a good 20 or so years save for less than a dozen meetings.

“Keep it simple, stupid”

“Live and let Live” (retirement from being a savior)

“You are a perfect child of creation, immortal and eternal” – Audrey Kitagawa

“That I am perfect, perfectly imperfect... that I make mistakes perfectly.” – this came from within me (author unknown) but has allowed me to accept my mistakes and allows me to accept when I make new ones.

That when I find myself living life where I do not judge others, I have found the best dwelling place from which my intentions spring – this means I never have to forgive myself nor anyone ever as the required precedent act of judgment never occurs. But that if and when I do find that I have judged, refer back to the statement above regarding my own perfection. Note, forgiveness never, ever enters my dynamic anymore, because I found forgiveness secretly harbors superiority. For me, this is the great booby trap I discovered within Christianity.

"True is what is true for you the moment you decide it is true. And there is only one really true thing about truth... it usually changes." - this came from within me (author unknown) - why I had the disclaimer "usually" is that I know a few truths that will never change - one is that I always love my Father, my sons, my sister and my wives (both my former wife and my current wife). I also know another truth and that it is wise to always bet on Love because Love wins all bets.

That our physical body is not our only body. That eventually all it is about is “source, our individual experience as a metaphorical child of source (which extends inward and infinitely back to “source as creator”) and our experiential realms which range from our own bodies all the way to the end of external eternity. I see this as the “primordial trinity” and is an expansion of the basic idea related by Observer in Bill’s Hypothesis post.

Anyways – I apologize for the long, Monday morning, rambling post. No one has to read it and fortunately hard drive space and bandwidth consumed are relatively cheap these days.... but it helps me to get it out, to post it and I thank Avalon for allowing me to do so and I thank you members for tolerating my posts when they get like this.

Love to All
Chester

[Sierra]

Dear Chester,

All is well.

Yes, when synchronicity hits, fluidity of perception, acceptance of a changing point of view really helps, because one is changing and growing so fast. I personally "believe" six impossible and contradictory or paradoxical things every morning for breakfast. (I have found this is an excellent tool to provide flexibility and detached observation skills to the mind.) (Sez the Libran ... )

I so agree about guilt. There is nothing to feel guilty for BECAUSE trail and error is how we learn. As I realize this, I relax, and I am much easier to live with as I process stuff. I learn, to go away, hide if I am about to be negative or hostile. I learn, to back off if I am stirring stuff in another. I learn, most of all, I am learning to shut my ego up, when she wants to beat me up. No more guilt. No more shame. It is what it is, and it is perfect to be going through the process of trial and error. As I quit beating myself up, I quit beating others up. And the more I do it, the more I want that state of being. If it requires that I be a semi-hermit for this lifetime and perhaps a few more, that is okay with me lol.

Funny, I married a man dealing with suicide desire as well... I've been talking about it over on the H&N thread. And what is revealing to me, I finally see it, here is a man that judges himself SO HARSHLY, that if I judged myself that way, I'd want to commit suicide also. I do believe there is a direct correlation. As I've learned over 24 years of marriage, if I can get him to lighten up on himself, it really helps. Humor helps to provide balance. But I can't do more than provide temporary relief. It is his journey, his choices. Big deal reaching that realization. It broke the striving and desire and pandemonium of my heart, and freed him to listen, to hear himself. HimSelf. So now I am quieter, and he wants to get a life where he wants to live and love.

We are progressing. I still lose energy and a positive attitude when he is depressed. His anxiety medicine he has been on for a week, I do declare, is helping ME more than him lol.

All is well.

Love, Sierra

P.S. What is ACIM?

P.S. II I see by your quoting me that I said members of my family have died and been brought back to life. I said plural and it should have been singular, I only know of one.

[ulli]

Telling one's story and being understood by others has to be the best therapy there is.
This is why I love Avalon, and the people here, for being there for me, and each other.
Because when we are absolved, not by priests, but by friends, thats when the inner work can progress to the next bit of self questioning.
Which no doubt Chester will do, as he is the kind of person who leaves no stone unturned. It's what I call a pure soul.
May all of your children appreciate your story one day and realize why they picked you as their dad.
And may their mum be freed.

[Chester]

Hi Sierra - ACIM is A Course in Miracles. I was turned onto this material back in the mid 90s. On a trip from Bangkok back to Curacao (in the spring of 2000 - same time frame that I mentioned my first wife's 5th suicide attempt) I contemplatively read the Teacher's Manual at the back of the book. One of the points it made right off was that teachers are actually learners (hahaha). It was an amazing read though, like markpierre I moved on. But what stayed with me more than anything was how silly judgement in the first place is. I appreciated Mark mentioned that component above (and was unprompted).

Anyways, like I said, I moved on as I now found the true teacher within and have accepted I am likely a perpetual student.

I want to mention also that though I focused on your posts, Sierra, I found this thread contains wonderful posts by many others and so I am hoping to respond to each one of them.

What is so strange is that even if I found out via some sort of actual evidence what I strongly suspect about my father... even if someone may still be alive that was involved with my Dad in these suspect activities, I have absolutely zero anger about any of it. I am not stating this lightly. I mean it completely. It is true and has been true for quite some time. I also realize that few could reach this point of view. It took me many years after finding David Icke's the Biggest Secret back in 2002 to reach this point of view. It took what I call (but is not at all original) "dying to the self" to get here.

In fact, let's pretend I happened to meet a particular still living "associate" my Dad may have worked with or for. I would be willing to give them a hug that they would feel my view point was real... feel it inside. They would know I understand and perhaps they would know I do not judge them at all in any way. And perhaps they would know they could speak with me about anything and I would listen all and only with love. And that I would keep their secrets safe.

Chester

[Chester]

"The main point of this first area was that no matter what – reality is personal. There is never an objective reality, no matter how much we try to tell ourselves or think there is. As soon as our brain touches any thought or observation, it is subjective."

https://projectavalon.net/forum4/show...l=1#post408135

Thank You, winston smith1971

[Chester]

Posted by markpierre (here)
There's another camp.

I miss this member.