Parenting

[jimrich]

Posted by TargeT (here)
A full cup can receive nothing

Brilliant!

[jimrich]

Hello, Moderators:
So far, this is the best post on the subject of Parenting so you might as well close this Threat as this post just about sums it all up for anyone interested in the subject of Parenting.
There may be more useful comments to come but this is as good as it gets so please just close the Thread.
Thank you

Posted by Justplain (here)
Hi Jimrich, yes i am both a parent and a step-parent. These roles have provided some of the most rewarding, and challenging, moments of my life.

Examples of good parenting:

- being supportive and affectionate, especially in a time of need, such as giving deserved praise and a hug when needed (children need hugs, kisses and hand holding especially at younger ages)
- disciplining when necessary, such as after misbehaviour like stealing or not doing chores, etc., mostly by depriving the child of something they like, such as tv or computer time, or going to bed early.
- being consistent in how the child is treated, rewarding and punishing, in reasonable quantities when deserved
- feeding them nourishing food
- restricting the child's access to negative influences, such as violent or anti-social media (my daughter doesnt watch much tv except sports with me, no net surfing either except for school related stuff)

Bad parenting:

- beating kids
- not showing enough attention to them when needed
- being inconsistent
- providing bad food
- not regulating media activity

Hope that helps.

[Innocent Warrior]

I think you may have killed it anyway, Jim.



@TargeT Thanks for the suggestions, appreciate it.

[greybeard]

So far, this is the best post on the subject of Parenting so you might as well close this Threat as this post just about sums it all up for anyone interested in the subject of Parenting.

Is that a Freudian slip--threat.
There is no threat to you here --

Chris

[RunningDeer]

post deleted

[greybeard]

I dont think I have ever seen anyone so determined to be so disrespectful and ultimately get warnings from mods for disrespect.
Sigh
Chris

[Flash]

Posted by greybeard (here)
I dont think I have ever seen anyone so determined to be so disrespectful and ultimately get warnings from mods for disrespect.
Sigh
Chris

I think Running Deer will catch on fast.

You will be condemned because this chap cannot come to term with himself - sorry for him, he does not know what he misses in life.

I think you have been a very good mom Running Deer.

[jimrich]

Training your kids!
Have any of you ever figured out why punishment and control rarely works? Were you ever a kid? Did you ever do "bad" things behind your parent's backs? If yes, WHY? If you loved and respected your parents, why did you go behind their backs to do your thing? What were you afraid would happen if your beloved parents found out about some of the things you did - or even THOUGHT? Why did you HAVE TO sneak around, lie, cheat, steal, break things, say ugly stuff, etc. when your parents would not CATCH you at it?? Surely many if not most of you lived a double life at some point and HAD TO keep certain things from those you SUPPOSEDLY loved, respected, obeyed and wanted to PLEASE - no matter what, so WHY did you do it - IF YOU EVER DID????

My older brother and I began living a secret, underground double life from the first day we realized that we could no longer trust nor respect our very abusive and controlling parents. They, not us, set up all the lousy conditions for us to begin EMOTIONALLY moving away from them and down into our secret world of: contempt, disrespect, lies, stealing, breaking things, cheating and all kinds of NASTY behaviors and new beliefs and behaviors other kids were showing us right under our stupid parents noses. It was dangerous and very risky and sometimes our secret life was discovered by our parents so we's be savagely beaten or punished but then we'd go right back to our safe, underground life anyway because there was NO way we were ever going back to loving and trusting our prison warden parents again!

LOL, how was it for you as a kid? Were you forced to go underground by bad parenting or were you allowed to live a decent, honest, loving and respectful life WITH GOOD parents? How is it now for you as a parent? Are you a good parent who has loving, respectful and responsible kids or have you set things up so you kids are having to live a double life right under your noses? Do you even know if your kid(s) is living a double life? Do you even care? If you did suspect that you child is living a double life, what would you do to bring your child back to you BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE and suddenly your kid has moved into a cult or sitting in jail?
I'd really like to know what any of you would do if and when you ever figure it out that YOU have lost or pushed away your own child!!! My stupid parents never figured it out!

[greybeard]

Some times tough love is necessary and beneficial.
I know as a child if I had done something that I kew was wrong it was actually a relief to be found out and receive just and fair punishment.
Some children can test your patience to the limit--they can even set one parent against an other.
That did not happen with my children but I have seen other parents go through that.
I know Paula to be a compassionate and fair minded person.

Chris

[RunningDeer]

Kids naturally test the waters. It’s preparation for when they go out into the world. A home with love and forgiveness builds their character over time. Life is experimentation. Learned boundaries. Kids develop integrity and trust even when tough love is called for.

Note: jimrich, this is my last post on your thread. Any perspective you have to offer does not fit in my world. Black/white thinking is sooooo not cool.

[Bill Ryan]

.
A mod note: one of jimrich's completely insensitive and unacceptable posts has been deleted, and he has been immediately suspended for a week while the mods decide what action to take. This is so far from okay you'd need a laser beam, not a ruler, to measure it.

• Edit to add, 8 minutes later: jimrich has been permanently unsubscribed. The mods would like to apologize to anyone following this thread who may justifiably feel that we should have taken definitive action a little earlier.
  
  
  

[greybeard]

Unfortunately some people do not learn
This is not the first forum that JR has had problems with.
He will probably take his ball and play else where of course blaming Avalon for persecuting--not understanding,attacking, being disrespectful to him.

I dont pity him but I do feel sorry that he can not handle normal debate without the attitude he displayed here to quite a few.

Chris

Oh well no doubt that is the right decision now taken.
ch

[Bill Ryan]

.
I don't normally do this, but on this occasion I think it may be healing (just a little!) to share this message I wrote to jimrich by e-mail.

Dear Jim,

We appreciate your passion for some of your views, but the way you launched, very unkindly, unwisely, and insensitively, into some of the forum's most well-respected and longstanding members, shows us that you do not really belong well in this community.

Therefore the moderators have unanimously decided to close your account.

I don't want to (and will not) engage in a debate with you on this particular topic. I've never been a parent, but have once been a child. I do know from your demeanor that you have been extremely judgmental of individuals none of whom you know.

Stephen Covey's own wise words come to mind (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People):

• Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

With our best wishes ~ Bill Ryan and the Avalon Staff Team

[TargeT]

How likely is it that something like this situation would make a difference for someone. It seems that he was unaware of the total message being conveyed or the (for lack of a better word) "tone" he was communicating with (or was aware & didn't care) and perhaps considered it a reasonable methodology.

Honestly curious,
I don't think there's much chance.. (lead a horse to water, can't make it drink.. etc & if I was that horse I'd probably dig my heels in and refuse to drink.. for no good reason, ha!)

I wish it were otherwise, but I know how damn hard it was for me to gain the little bit of self awareness I have now (and it was basically me allowing myself to see whats there).. Maybe I'm just exceptionally stubborn and there's hope after all.

[Czarek]

I posted this some time ago.

Action has meaning only in relationship and without understanding relationship, action on any level will only breed conflict. The understanding of relationship is infinitely more important than the search for any plan of action.
J.Krishnamurti

Parenthood is a relationship. Only two-way connection with our child can secure it. So honor that relationship with all of your interactions with them...For a child to be open to being parented by an adult, he must be actively attaching to that adult, be wanting contact and closeness with him...so the secret of parenting is not in what a parent does but rather who the parent is to a child. It is not a lack of love or of parenting know how but the erosion of the attachment context that makes our parenting ineffective. And the chief and most damaging of the competing attachments that undermine parenting authority and parental love is the increasing bonding of our children with their peers. Children cannot be oriented to both adults and other children simultaneously. One CANNOT follow two sets of conflicting directions at the same time. I'm not saying that children should have no friends. In an adult oriented cultures, where the guiding principles and values are those of the more mature generation, kids attach to each other without losing thier bearings or rejecting the guidance of their parents. Today in our western society, that is no longer the case. Bonds among friends have come to replace relationships with adults as children's primary sources of orientation. Absolutely missing in peer relationships are unconditional love and acceptance, the desire to nurture, the ability to extend oneself for the sake of the other, the willingness to to sacrifice for the growth and development of the other. Some hard facts: with those children who attempt suicide, the key trigger for the majority was how they were being treated by their peers, not their parents. The more peers matter, the more children are devasted by the insensitive relating of their peers, by failing to fit in, by perceived rejection or ostracization. The effects of peer orientation are most obvious in the teenager, but its early signs are visible by the second or third grade.......
more in "hold on to your kids, why parents need to matter more than peers" by Gordon neufeld and gabor mate

[Ewan]

I thought a few day ago that jim's spiritual learning had been thoroughly co-opted by his ego to the extent that the ego was running everything and he was entirely unaware of the takeover.

[greybeard]

I think that all who posted in response to JR did so in a mature, balanced, level headed way---No one lost it, so to speak, in spite of some extreme, provoking, comments from him.
All are a credit to good parenting no doubt--smiling broadly.
Certainly Avalon members showed a compassion beyond the norm for his over the top posts.

Chris

[Sueanne47]

Living with someone like that not only makes himself severely depressed....everyone around him takes that on as well. Maybe he was possessed by a dark spirit?

[Baby Steps]

sometimes when a wounded soul finally resolves to start searching for healing, they find the right people. But the language they feel comfortable with is projecting THEM as the TEACHER and the HEALER/HELPER as the pupil.

I have a friend like this. Totally un resolved parental abuse issues. He is very scary and intimidating. He cannot take a step back and look at himself. People are too scared to tell him the truth.

That's a hard and lonely path.

[Sueanne47]

They will both pass that on to the next incarnation though. How *strong* their ego is, that it ignores help, healing and peace when it is for their benefit to listen.