Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i beg... [Archive]

micjer

07-09-2009, 01:13 PM

Pit Bull...

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line!"

micjer

07-09-2009, 01:17 PM

http://i562.photobucket.com/albums/ss64/Micjer_2009/dog.jpg

http://i562.photobucket.com/albums/ss64/Micjer_2009/funny-pictures21.jpg

http://i562.photobucket.com/albums/ss64/Micjer_2009/learntofly.jpg

sleepingnomore

07-09-2009, 01:25 PM

"Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! )

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it."Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . **********. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its. . . teeny little . ... " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car..

He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

Luminari

07-09-2009, 01:25 PM

There's a blonde on one side of a big river and a brunette on the other. The brunette yells across to the blonde, "hey, how do I get to the other side?". The blonde rolls her eyes and says, "you ARE on the other side!"

There Was A Bear and a rabbit doing a **** in the woods, and the bear asked the rabbit do you have a problem with **** sticking to your fur the rabbit said No i dont why do you ask?
The bear said oh no reason and 5 seconds later he picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with the rabbit.

Camel and an Elephant are having a conversation. The elephant says to the camel, "why have you got two boobs on your back?", and the camel says "well thats pretty rich coming from someone that has a dick on his face".

iainl140285

07-09-2009, 01:37 PM

[
Camel and an Elephant are having a conversation. The elephant says to the camel, "why have you got two boobs on your back?", and the camel says "well thats pretty rich coming from someone that has a dick on his face".
[/SIZE]

:roll1::thumb_yello:

iainl140285

07-09-2009, 01:38 PM

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are ****** off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Unified Serenity

07-09-2009, 01:46 PM

Carol Burnett (watch the whole thing...you'll be crying from laughter) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY)

micjer

07-09-2009, 01:50 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKeuqjA80_c&feature=related

Bob Hope, Dean Martin on The Tonight Show

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsEkR5WFlw0&feature=related

rhythm

07-09-2009, 02:17 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKeuqjA80_c&feature=related

Bob Hope, Dean Martin on The Tonight Show

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsEkR5WFlw0&feature=related

hey micjer you are on my christmas card list
and yes i ammm LAUGHIN :roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1:
YOU MAD LOT ... keep em comin !!!!!:lmao:

Unified Serenity

07-09-2009, 02:19 PM

Stonehenge (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiFq_nk8pE0&NR=1)

rhythm

07-09-2009, 02:30 PM

Stonehenge (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiFq_nk8pE0&NR=1)

how true throw in some laughter

see love giggle !!!!:lol3:

Dantheman62

07-09-2009, 02:35 PM

http://projectavalon.net/forum/showthread.php?t=1678

rhythm

07-09-2009, 02:40 PM

http://projectavalon.net/forum/showthread.php?t=1678

YES DAN plenty laughs there mate :lol3::lol3::lol3:

rhythm

07-09-2009, 02:42 PM

http://projectavalon.net/forum/showthread.php?t=1678

carol burnett (watch the whole thing...you'll be crying from laughter) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqe_wmagjy)

hillarious !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gemeos

07-09-2009, 04:02 PM

rhythm

07-09-2009, 05:22 PM

Thanks rhythm for opening this thread, with due respect to Antaletriangle who already opened a thread with the same intentions.

http://www.hepcstraightup.com/AvoidStress.jpg

Love, Laugh and enjoy Life!

gemeos

Well yes im sure Avalon can stand two threads

with a humor base .... and Ant hasnt been on Avalon for

quite some time , so lets not loose our sense of humor :wink2:

metaw3

07-09-2009, 05:54 PM

http://failblog.org/2009/07/09/house-design-fail/
http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fail-owned-house-design-fail.jpg?w=500&h=375

rhythm

07-09-2009, 06:25 PM

http://projectavalon.net/forum/showthread.php?t=1678
thanks Dan ...as

... Ant not here eny more it seems lets keep the humor :lol3:

going ... there is some class stuff on the thread .tho..:thumb_yello:

im sure there is room for plenty more humor :lol3::lol3:

living loving laughing service... rhythmmm ...:wink2:

micjer

07-09-2009, 07:55 PM

Carmen

07-09-2009, 07:55 PM

And first prize goes to sleepingnomore!!:lmao::lmao::lmao:
Your lizard joke is priceless, had tears rolling down my cheeks. I resonating to the wife, I think we share the same brand of sarcasm!!!:lol3::lol3:

Cheers

Carmen

sleepingnomore

07-09-2009, 08:01 PM

Thank you Carmen, it's one of my favorites! I was hoping to get rhythm to roll on the floor laughing!:original::original:

rhythm

07-09-2009, 08:10 PM

Thank you Carmen, it's one of my favorites! I was hoping to get rhythm to roll on the floor laughing!:original::original:

rhythmmm:roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1: :roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1:
:lol3::lmfao::lol3::lmfao::roll1::lol3::lmfao::rol l1::lol3::mfr_lol::lmfao::lol3::roll1::mfr_lol::ro ll1::lmao::lmfao::lol3::roll1::lmao::naughty::lol3 ::roftl::roll1:

rhythm

07-09-2009, 08:14 PM

are you realy ready for the best joke EVer .....

there is no ME !!!!:lmao::mfr_omg::mf_boff::no:...:drink_nl::doh: :beer::blink: :shocked:...

rhythm

07-09-2009, 08:32 PM

An Inspirational Story

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped
and blind Kids.'

Then I thought...

Shxt - I could win this!'

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA:roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1:: roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1:

:naughty::naughty::naughty::naughty::naughty::naug hty::naughty::lmfao:

rhythm

07-09-2009, 08:37 PM

WHERE ARE YOU brinty !!!!!!!

no caste

07-09-2009, 08:40 PM

rhythm

07-09-2009, 08:44 PM

rhythm - I posted this yesterday on Ant's Quotes and Jokes thread. In case you missed it -

policia de mexico muy estupida

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R3o6DCl0wM

(about a 1 min. street vid clip of a bank robbery in Mexico)
hahahahahahaha
:roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1:
:roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1:

Brinty

07-09-2009, 09:08 PM

Advice given to me by my father in 1957 when I was contemplating marriage.

"Son, there are five important things to know about finding a perfect woman.

1. It is important to find a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans the house and has a steady, well paying job.

2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman whom you can trust and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. And, it is most important of all that these four women don't know each other."

Brinty

07-09-2009, 09:12 PM

An actor on set location, needs to visit the toilet and asks for directions. He is told where the toilet is and is warned that "it has no door on it."

The actor looks puzzled for a few seconds then asks, "How the hell do I get in then?"

Jack

07-09-2009, 09:14 PM

lol brinty. And after all these years have you managed to keep them apart?

Ok this ones an oldie but a goldie ;

Why married women should avoid a girls night out....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a teensy bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape an argument.
(Even when totally smashed I KNEW... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ' MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem upset in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said , 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh!#$.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

Brinty

07-09-2009, 09:18 PM

Two blonds are walking towards each other. One is carrying a large paper bag. When they meet, one says, "Hi Sally-Anne, watcha got in your bag?"

"Some kittens."

"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"

"Heck, If you guess right you can have both of 'em."

"Okay. Ummmmmm . . . . . five?"

rhythm

07-09-2009, 09:23 PM

NOW were

cooking ......:trumpet:

mines a double

of what ever you lot are on ...:cup:...:lmfao:

Brinty

07-09-2009, 09:31 PM

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Gimme a break lady, your daughter's pregnant!"

The mother turns purple with indignation and argues with the doctor that, "her" daughter was a good girl, and would "never" compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor turns and gazes out the window silently studying the horizon.

Enraged, the mother demands that he "stop looking out the window and pay attention to me!"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention madam. It's just that the last time this happened, a bright star appeared in the east and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."

JesterTerrestrial

07-09-2009, 09:34 PM

ABLE TO LAUGH!!! Awesome!!!

THEY'RE ON TO SOMETHING ALRIGHT MR. SHATNER!!!

Dance n Laugh to the Shatner Funk!!! :mfr_lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLpLU7D7MWk

JesterTerrestrial

07-09-2009, 09:39 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

Drugs are bad mmmmmKay. just stick to the herbs...still this video is kinda funny.

anyone remember the old Hinterland Who's Who...heres the real link.. :D
http://www.hww.ca/index_e.asp

rhythm

07-09-2009, 09:42 PM

ABLE TO LAUGH!!! Awesome!!!

THEY'RE ON TO SOMETHING ALRIGHT MR. SHATNER!!!

Dance n Laugh to the Shatner Funk!!! :mfr_lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLpLU7D7MWk

firkin hillarious :mfr_lol::mfr_lol::mfr_lol::mfr_lol::mfr_lol::roll 1::roll1::roll1::roll1:
:lmfao::lol3::lmfao::lol3::lmfao::lol3::naughty::r oftl::lmfao::lmao::naughty::lol3::lmfao::roll1:

rhythm

07-09-2009, 09:46 PM

Brinty

07-09-2009, 09:47 PM

An old cowboy dressed to kill in a cowboy shirt, Stetson hat, jeans, chaps and embosed leather boots with high heels and spurs, enters a bar and orders a drink. As he is sitting there sipping his drink an attractive woman takes a stool beside him and orders a drink.

After it arrives and she takes a couple of sips, she turns to the cowboy and asks, "are you a real cowboy?"

He replies, "well, I've spent my whole life on a ranch working at breaking horses, herding cows, mending fences - so I guess I'm a genuine cowboy."

After a short while he asked her what she was. "Ive never been near a ranch," she replies, "so I know I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short time later she finished her drink and leaves the cowboy pondering what she had spoken of. He orders another drink. A couple comes in and sits beside him. The woman turns to him and asks, "Are you really a genuine cowboy?"

He hesitates for a moment then replies, "You know, all my life I've considered myself to be a cowboy but I've just learned that I'm actually a lesbian."

metaw3

07-09-2009, 09:57 PM

rhythm - I posted this yesterday on Ant's Quotes and Jokes thread. In case you missed it -

policia de mexico muy estupida

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R3o6DCl0wM

(about a 1 min. street vid clip of a bank robbery in Mexico)

The first time I saw this one it was there:
http://failblog.org/tag/video/

I laughed for hours watching the videos there. Here's two others:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDQhaoocZPw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XT4AxEEEwTo

and another one:
http://www.viddler.com/explore/failblog/videos/6/

oh and here's the playlist:
http://www.viddler.com/explore/failblog/videos/163/playall/

Brinty

07-09-2009, 10:07 PM

This will be my last one for the day.

A duck waddles into a feed store and asks, "got any duck feed?" The guy behind the counter says, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day the duck waddles into the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the the guy behind the counter says, "no." and the duck leaves.

Next day the duck waddles in and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The guy says, "Look, I've told you twice already, we don't have any duck feed, we've never had any duck feed and we will never have any duck feed. If you come in here and ask one more time for duck feed, I'll nail your feet to the floor!"

The next day the duck waddles into the feed store and asks, "Got any nails?" The guy frowns and replies, "No."

"Good," says the duck, "got any duck feed?"

Phtha

07-09-2009, 10:56 PM

http://fabiusmaximus.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/sheep.jpg

http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p182/Brocke1964/disinfo.jpg

Ok this 3rd one is kind mean but I admit, I laughed:
http://i235.photobucket.com/albums/ee208/Cariboudoodle/failcow.jpg

metaw3

07-10-2009, 01:00 AM

I just have to post this one. This is too much. I laughed so hard it hurts. :roll1:

http://www.viddler.com/explore/failblog/videos/10/

micjer

07-10-2009, 01:09 AM

Subject: Bragging about kids.

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party .

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the toilet.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best
friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy.
He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the
majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice andexpensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from
the toilet and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I lovehim. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and
he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends

giovonni

07-10-2009, 01:42 AM

lindabaker

07-10-2009, 01:55 AM

GOTTA PEE
>
>
>
> Two women friends had a girl's night out.
>
> Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten a little over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
>

> Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
>
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
>
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and didn't want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
>
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
>
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
>
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
>
>

sleepingnomore

07-10-2009, 04:14 AM

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel , taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Humble Janitor

07-10-2009, 06:10 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI

This video always makes me laugh

mudra

07-10-2009, 10:19 AM

rhythm

07-10-2009, 12:30 PM

are you realy ready for the best joke EVer .....

there is no ME !!!!:lmao::mfr_omg::mf_boff::no:...:drink_nl::doh: :beer::blink: :shocked:...

and whats even funnier :naughty:

is wait for it ...

you guessed it ...

NO YOU :lmao:...

rhythm

07-10-2009, 12:50 PM

Laugh is the natural expression of the soul when it can smile at all things without a reason.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONYnVtfCiuU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7mOzWQSnaQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hooid1LJ9Kc&NR=1

Laughing kindness ;)

mudra Mudra .....

Thats how you laugh when you realize

there is no you !!:roll1::roll1::roll1:

no one to be inlightend :roftl:

rhythm

07-10-2009, 03:59 PM

Carmen

07-10-2009, 10:31 PM

Thought I'd add some great dance to the jokes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fh6ZGe3Pcs4&feature=related

Cheers

Carmen

micjer

07-10-2009, 10:38 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzAXb7qCCAo

Foster Brooks as Drunk pilot on Dean Martin Show

Christo888

07-10-2009, 11:47 PM

Who invented copper wire?

A Rothschild and a Rockefeller fighting over a penny!!!! :lol3:

rhythm

07-11-2009, 11:56 AM

Who invented copper wire?

A Rothschild and a Rockefeller fighting over a penny!!!! :lol3:

THEY must be needin the toilet .. i guess..:lol3::lol3::lol3:

mudra

07-12-2009, 12:54 AM

Rejoicing in nothing and knowing nothing...
are the true rejoicing and the true knowledge."

Lao Tzu

Humble Janitor

07-12-2009, 08:29 AM

I tried to rick-roll the thread and it didn't work this time. Heh. ;)

Regardless, just take a moment of your time to sit back and laugh about life. I see more to laugh at than be sad about.

rhythm

07-12-2009, 02:14 PM

I tried to rick-roll the thread and it didn't work this time. Heh. ;)

Regardless, just take a moment of your time to sit back and laugh about life. I see more to laugh at than be sad about.

You are so right my friend

i know a few dear souls who

find me very un spiritual :nono:

cos i drink swear tell rude jokes :mfr_omg:

and have to go to the toilet (occationaly)spelling:lmfao:

(bu.t.. i must tell you that i never smell ):naughty:

but my biggest sin is not being able to spell :roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1:

Luminari

07-12-2009, 02:22 PM

aww its ok rhythm, spellings overrrated. As long as you get your message across. :thumb_yello:

http://i717.photobucket.com/albums/ww178/luminari_2009/spelling_bee_Caveman.jpg

rhythm

07-12-2009, 02:55 PM

I tried to rick-roll the thread and it didn't work this time. Heh. ;)

Regardless, just take a moment of your time to sit back and laugh about life. I see more to laugh at than be sad about.

aww its ok rhythm, spellings overrrated. As long as you get your message across. :thumb_yello:

http://i717.photobucket.com/albums/ww178/luminari_2009/spelling_bee_Caveman.jpg

You my friend are also so right

my message is.... drink morewater with it (overrated)

and then more vino.. larger ( CIDER...apple juice )

and then tell rude jokes ....

giovonni

07-12-2009, 06:13 PM

http://www.all4humor.com/images/files/Polar%20Bear%20Waltz.jpg
OK~ put your arm around me~
Yes! its your turn too lead~
But not into the water this time:mad3:

rhythm

07-12-2009, 06:17 PM

Laugh is the natural expression of the soul when it can smile at all things without a reason.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONYnVtfCiuU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7mOzWQSnaQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hooid1LJ9Kc&NR=1

Laughing kindness ;)
mudra

Mudra.... the quard babys laughin has to be one of the sweetest

funnyest thing i ever saw in my intire incarnation :lol3::lol3::lol3::lol3:

rhythm

07-13-2009, 06:43 PM

Thought I'd add some great dance to the jokes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fh6ZGe3Pcs4&feature=related

Cheers

Carmen

yet Carmen what a great vid

got me in the mood girl :thumb_yello:

Dantheman62

07-14-2009, 04:41 AM

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.....'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
Sh..t?

Dantheman62

07-14-2009, 04:47 AM

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in
Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the
child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby
was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.''

rhythm

07-14-2009, 08:57 AM

DaN YOU ARE THE MAN ...:lmao:

and gio your just NUTS ...:tongue2:

and me im LOVERLY :lol3::lol3::lol3:

Brinty

07-14-2009, 12:06 PM

rhythm

07-14-2009, 12:12 PM

An old man visits a wizard and asks him to remove a curse he has lived with for 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

HAAAA!!!!!
brinty i see you have come up as 69 post on this.. thread hmmmm
is that symbolick there then !!!:naughty:...i put a spell on you :tongue2:

rhythm

07-14-2009, 06:32 PM

What do you call

an oyster that steals all the pearl s???

Shell fish ....:thumbdown:

realy bad wiil try harder promise :thumb_yello:

rhythm

07-14-2009, 06:45 PM

try this one then

Before you critize enyone

walk a mile in there shoes

That way when you critizes them
your a mile away ...

and you have there shoes ...

(moral )
so be sure you choose somone who
takes the size as you ..
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

a bit better im working up to it
youl see ....:lmao:

Carmen

07-14-2009, 08:19 PM

Mudra, the babies laughing is just great. There is something about a baby's laughter that just melts the heart. That was soo sweet.

Love

Carmen

Brinty

07-14-2009, 09:10 PM

HAAAA!!!!!
brinty i see you have come up as 69 post on this.. thread hmmmm
is that symbolick there then !!!:naughty:...i put a spell on you :tongue2:

Well, rhythm, 69 was always one of my favorites. :naughty:

burgundia

07-14-2009, 09:16 PM

Well, rhythm, 69 was always one of my favorites. :naughty:

Was always or...has been always...:lmfao:

Brinty

07-14-2009, 09:27 PM

St Peter stood at the Pearly Gates waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.
"Jesus, can you mind the Pearly Gates while I go to the john?"
"Sure," says Jesus, "what do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family and their lives. Then decide whether they deserve to enter Heaven.
"Sounds easy enough, okay."
So Jesus waited at the Gates while St Peter went to the john.
The first person to approach the Gates was an old, wrinkled man. Jesus summoned him to the examination desk and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaning forward asked, "Did you have a family?"
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus caught his breath and leaning further forward in anticipation, asked, "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
With a tear in his eye, Jesus embraced the old man and whispered, "Father?"
The old man, with a look of amazement on his face, pushed Jesus back and looking at his face, asked, "Pinocchio, is it really you?"

sleepingnomore

07-14-2009, 09:35 PM

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j214/PurpleMist2/small_383588-1.jpg

Brinty

07-14-2009, 10:24 PM

Was always or...has been always...:lmfao:

It used to be burgundia . . . ah, memories.

Carmen

07-15-2009, 06:44 AM

Here's a goody

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a sense of humor.

Cheers

Carmen

rhythm

07-15-2009, 03:12 PM

Was always or...has been always...:lmfao:

Of course Brinty 69 iS a very sacred symbol ..

the infamous yin yang that stands for balance and harmony :sneaky2:...

rhythm

07-16-2009, 10:08 AM

Doctor doctor

I keep stealing things

can you give me somthing for it

(doctor ).... take these tablets

and if they dont work

bring me back a dvd player ........( ba booom !!!)
*************************************

(still not great is it ... must try harder )
and drink more apple juice umm:wink2:....

rhythm

07-16-2009, 01:57 PM

Wife -what do you mean coming home

half drunk this time of night !!!

Husband - its not my fault

i ran out of money ....:lmao:..
********************

i like this one ... you..:nono:...

Brinty

07-16-2009, 08:21 PM

A blond bimbo walks into the police station and says she has come in answer to the advertisement for a police woman. The Chief Superintendent takes one look at her and thinks to himself, uh-oh, we've got a right one here.

"Okay," he says, "what's 1 and 1?"
Without hesitating the bimbo says, "eleven."
Stunned for a second, the Superintendent thinks to himself, she's right, but that wasn't the answer I wanted.

"Okay, name two days of the week beginning with the letter T."
"Today and tomorrow," she answers.
Once again she's come up with a correct answer but not one I had thought of. thought the policeman.

"Here's your last test question - Who killed President Kennedy?"
"Oh, that's a hard one. I'll have to think for a minute."

"Well, why not go home and think it over and come back in the morning and tell me."

The bimbo leaves the police station and goes over the road to the beauty parlor where all her friends are gathered. They were eager to know how she got on.

"Well, it was my first day and already I'm working on a murder case."

rhythm

07-17-2009, 07:58 AM

Swanny

07-17-2009, 05:23 PM

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their
security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been
"A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"
to a "Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of
1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two
higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed
France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout
loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two
more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and
"Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual,
and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines
ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass
bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look
at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on
all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from
"baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the
airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper
aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime
Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of
escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end
riscue us".

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be
asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position
called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation
levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the
barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There
has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of
the final escalation level.

:zip:

burgundia

07-17-2009, 05:38 PM

swanny , this is really funny...:roll1:

rhythm

07-18-2009, 12:56 PM

STOPPED BY THE POLICE ..
********************

JON AND JESSICA were on there way home from the bar
when they got pulled over by the police..
the officer told jon that tail light was out .
Jon says im very sorry officer , i will get it fixed right away .
Just then jessica said i knew this would happen i told you two days ago to get that light fixed ...
So the officer asked jon for his drivers licence , and after looking at it
said sir your licence has expired .
then jessica said I told you a week ago that your licence had expired
Well by this time jon is a bit upset with his wife contrdicting him and
says in a rather loud vioice ...jessica shut your mouth ..
The officer leaned over to jessica and asked does your husband allways talk to you like that ..to which jessica replyed ...
only when hes drunk officer !!:lol3:

micjer

07-18-2009, 02:55 PM

http://i562.photobucket.com/albums/ss64/Micjer_2009/wtf_pics-traveling-band.jpg

http://i562.photobucket.com/albums/ss64/Micjer_2009/hun49copsdun.jpg

http://i562.photobucket.com/albums/ss64/Micjer_2009/wax.jpg

rhythm

07-21-2009, 01:18 PM

rhythm

07-25-2009, 02:26 PM

no one making rhythmm laugh

hmm ...

where all you commedians gone :zip:

bring back the balance :thumb_yello:

able to love :wub2:

able to laugh :lmfao:

and still it seems

able to get p****d off :mad3:

ok i try to find some funnis :tongue2:for yer

be back ...

later gater :winksmiley02:...

rhythm

07-25-2009, 03:30 PM

ok i warned you :lmfao:..

i got this one for yer ...
*****************

You have to stay inshape

my grandmother she started walking

five miles a day .. when she was 60

She is 97 now

and we dont know where the hell she is ...:lmao:

Brinty

07-25-2009, 08:15 PM

I wonder if this could be the same old lady - she went out walking on the freeway and has never been seen since. All that they found was her shopping bag and glasses. :mfr_omg:

They don't know whether a radiator or a carburetor. :naughty:

Brinty

07-27-2009, 06:02 AM

A traveling salesman sits drinking in a bar. He hears a soft voice say, "nice tie." He looks up, but doesn't see anyone. :nono:

A few seconds later he hears, "nice shirt." Once again he looks around but still can't see anyone. :nono:

When he hears, "nice jacket." he calls the barman over and says, "Look, I don't want you to think I'm crazy but I keep hearing voices commenting on my clothing. But every time I look around, there's nobody there. :wall:

The barman said, "Oh, that'll be the peanuts, they're complimentary." :original:

artvision

07-27-2009, 07:20 PM

Well, I do not know if you like french jokes, nor french comedian, but this one I laughed with tears (please excuse me if it has been posted before), at least has something to do with the things are bugging us from few years ago.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9tr99_bigards-911-series-the-magical-pass_fun

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9thju_bigard-11-septembre-les-chasseurs-a_fun

Brinty

07-30-2009, 11:17 PM

I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trotts.

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my wife's got Swine Flu - I think she's just telling porkies!

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of 'oinkment'.

IF YOU GET AN EMAIL ABOUT SWINE FLU DELETE IT AS IT'S ONLY SPAM.
:roftl:

day

07-31-2009, 10:19 PM

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

day

07-31-2009, 10:24 PM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

Carmen

07-31-2009, 10:37 PM

Very funny, Artvision, even with sub-titles

waitinginthewings

08-01-2009, 02:01 AM

Day: that one cracked me up......a good belly laugh for sure. TKS:lmao:

JesterTerrestrial

08-02-2009, 07:09 PM

Ok... This is for sure to make u laugh!
I truly mean the best for everyone but when I heard this in the news and...

I just had to wonder if his heart seized up?! Too many chemicals clog his arteries?!

Ah well, Rust in Peace! :mfr_lol:

Main Force Behind WD-40, Dies at 84
http://www.cnbc.com/id/32087984

Material Safety Data Sheet
http://www.wd40.com/files/pdf/msds-wd494716385.pdf

JesterTerrestrial

08-02-2009, 07:16 PM

well as i say i really wish the best for everyone...

I hope I go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming like his passengers!

Alright enough of the twisted humor how about some borg jokes?

Borg Jokes are Irrelevant!

JesterTerrestrial

08-02-2009, 07:21 PM

Q. Why did the Borg cross the road?
A. To assimilate the other side.

Q: What does a depressed Borg say?
A: Everything's NOT futile.

Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them.

Borg Answering Machine

1. WE ARE BORG.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
But we're not home right now.
So leave a message at the tone and we'll assimilate you later.

Borgasm: The ecstasy of being assimilated.

I am DOS of Borg! Prepare... oops, out of memory!

Letterman of Borg - "Ok, Top 10 reasons why resistance is futile:"

rhythm

08-04-2009, 12:36 PM

hey guys thanks for the new

funnis ..... was nice to find

on my return

from Avebury ....

dont worry be happy ..:original::original:

try to find some more chuckles for yer :lol3:

:original::original::original::original:

day

08-05-2009, 12:44 AM

http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb218/internityofcreation/nonsense.gif

day

08-06-2009, 02:09 AM

http://i755.photobucket.com/albums/xx193/wingwth/larson.jpg

day

08-06-2009, 03:21 AM

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colon y of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like mag gots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing their kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

day

08-06-2009, 03:28 AM

AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS

February 1st, 2008 | Patriot post

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

“If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.”
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself…
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don’t make jokes I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
-P.J. O’Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Swanny

08-06-2009, 07:38 PM

http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r307/fizzbitt/Random/howtoconfuseanidiot.jpg

:naughty:

rhythm

08-06-2009, 08:52 PM

http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r307/fizzbitt/Random/howtoconfuseanidiot.jpg

:naughty:

That is soooooooooo funny :roll1::roll1::roll1:

day

08-07-2009, 07:08 PM

http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb218/internityofcreation/schoolforthegifted.jpg

morguana

08-07-2009, 09:29 PM

That is soooooooooo funny :roll1::roll1::roll1:

ooooopppppsss fell for it too :zip: :tongue2: :lmfao:

day

08-08-2009, 12:04 AM

That is soooooooooo funny :roll1::roll1::roll1:

:naughty::naughty:

day

08-08-2009, 04:25 PM

behind locked doors at NASA.....
http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb218/internityofcreation/math07.gif

day

08-09-2009, 11:52 AM

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over.'

day

08-09-2009, 09:26 PM

ZEN of SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand milesbegins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

15. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.:wink2:

rhythm

08-09-2009, 09:28 PM

Day you are very funny

thanks for all these

laughs:lol3::lol3::lol3::lol3:

burgundia

08-09-2009, 09:40 PM

:mfr_lol::thumb_yello:

day

08-10-2009, 12:14 PM

These are excerpts from a new book called "Disorder in the American
Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm and not laughing while these exchanges were actually
taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with
you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband
said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever
been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until
the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old,
how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a
beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law somewhere :wink2:

Brinty

08-10-2009, 09:31 PM

Please forgive me for this one, but I just have to get it off my chest.:sorry:

All the animals in the jungle were shocked by the scream of anguish which echoed through the undergrowth. Racing in the direction the scream came from they found Thomas the toad sobbing uncontrollably. When they’d calmed him down he said, “Somebody has stolen my 4 point tool. I hid it under this bush before going to sleep last night, and when I woke up this morning it was gone. Boo-hoo-hoo,” and he started crying again.

The other animals felt sorry for him and decided to hunt the culprit down. Days were spent with no luck and then Michael the monkey called out, “I’ve just discovered that there is a newcomer to our jungle. I bet he stole Thomas’ 4 point tool. Lets track this newcomer down and put it to him.”

Next day they came across the remains of some poor creature who hadn’t run fast enough. Carefully looking around they saw footprints in the moist ground. They followed them until they came to a large, black, sleeping animal.

“Who are you?” called Peter the parrot. “Come on, who are you?” There was no response so he called out louder. Eventually the sleeping animal awoke and peering around, asked, “what’s it to you?”

“We just like to know a little bit about newcomers to our jungle - who they are and what they do” replied Peter Parrot. “We’ve had a thief and one of our members has lost a 4 point tool. Would you know anything about it?”

“Well naturally,” replied the black animal as he stood up and puffed his chest out,
“I know all about it - you see, I’m a Jaguar - a 4 point tool eater Jaguar.”

Tango

08-11-2009, 02:02 PM

Tango

08-11-2009, 05:40 PM

Brinty

08-11-2009, 09:30 PM

THESE AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES ARE GREAT, they all seemed to work!

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

MEN, AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH.

YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

Brinty

08-11-2009, 09:32 PM

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

rhythm

08-17-2009, 08:50 AM

Wanna laught your socks off :lol3::naughty::lmfao:go you

u tube fknnewz :lmao::lmao::lmao:

to rude for here me thinks
:roll1::roll1::roll1:

chitty

08-17-2009, 11:18 AM

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.:winksmiley02:

rhythm

08-17-2009, 11:41 AM

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.:winksmiley02:

For somthing diferent

u tube ... fknnewz .....HILLARIOUS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:roll1::roll1::roll1:

rhythm

08-24-2009, 09:12 AM

Teacher . Winne name one important

thing they have today

they didnt have 10 yrs ago

Winne ME !

rhythm

08-24-2009, 11:38 AM

Teacher what do you call a person ..

who keeps on talking when no one else is interested ?

Harold ; a teacher ....:roftl:

rhythm

08-24-2009, 11:41 AM

Teacher what do you call a person ..

who keeps on talking when no one else is interested ?

Harold ; a teacher ....:roftl:

Look i know there not very funny ...:nono:
so where are all you funny guys :zip:
(bring back the balance we need more funnis pllllleeeeezzze:wink2:
or i will carry on regardles :winksmiley02:....

Swanny

08-24-2009, 05:40 PM

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_PG9h1CS1dfo/SA4nw3OiguI/AAAAAAAABP8/XA86DPEnoSg/s400/wtf1.jpg

My fav picture
http://www.into-the-ether.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/image026.jpg
:shocked:

Brinty

08-24-2009, 08:48 PM

AHA, a redhead bathing with the alien from the accompanying photo and both caught by surprise.

Here's a funny that appeared in my email box . . . . .

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

feardia

08-24-2009, 10:20 PM

Carmen

08-24-2009, 10:24 PM

Hi Feardia. Really great to see you posting again.:original:

Metaphor

08-25-2009, 12:52 AM

These guys are amazing. They give me hope... and a laugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGA9ZUEa3ZY

Tango

08-25-2009, 09:53 AM

Tango

08-25-2009, 10:01 AM

giovonni

08-25-2009, 11:20 AM

Hello brothers and sisters, I know you have a sense of humour...
YouTube - Project Camelot interviews Feardia (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ_CRdprG6E&feature=player_embedded)

First post since it went to subs, enjoy.
Can't embed youtube yet :)

Wonderful interview feardia :thumb_yello:
Kerry won't take my calls :sad:

I had a similiar experience leaving a local watering hole :lmao:

http://uforestaurant.com/godeyes.jpg

waitinginthewings

08-25-2009, 02:45 PM

Here is a link to a vid where the SPCA are showing 2 dogs that are up for adoption. Watch what the dogs do......its hilarious.
http://ca.video.yahoo.com/watch/5781173/15139258

burgundia

08-25-2009, 03:01 PM

Thank you waitingin...for that video...really funny....

Tango

08-27-2009, 04:39 AM

Tango

08-27-2009, 08:22 AM

Tango

08-28-2009, 01:13 AM

micjer

08-28-2009, 02:12 AM

Waiting For A Haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

Tango

08-28-2009, 08:28 PM

TRANCOSO

08-29-2009, 03:51 AM

"... now, we all know where the initials J.C. stand for, don't we?" the interviewer retoricly asked me.
"Wait," I said, "Let me guess... Joan Collins, Joe Cocker, Jackie Chan, John Cleese, James Caan, Johan Cruijff, Jimmy Connors, John Cale, Johnny Cash, James Cook, John Coltrane, Jimmy Carter, Joe Colombo, Jim Carrey, Jacques Cousteau, Jose Carreras, Julius Ceasar, John Carpenter, James Cagney, Jimmy Cliff, Jennifer Capriati, John Cage, James Coburn, Joe Castellano, Johnny Carson,Jacques Chirac, Julien Clerc, Jackie Cornell, Julie Covington, Jim Croce, Judy Clag, John Calderon, Jack Charlton, Jarvis Cocker, Julian Cope, Jim Capaldi, June Carter, Jane Campion, Jackie Collins and last but not least, Jean Cocteau! Did I miss anybody?"

Swanny

08-29-2009, 09:10 AM

Yea you missed my mate John Comely :original:

TRANCOSO

08-29-2009, 09:15 AM

I wasn't finished yet, Swanny.
"... John Comely..."

judykott

08-29-2009, 10:17 AM

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of

government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

'MOUNT & DO'.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.

micjer

08-29-2009, 01:01 PM

Judy....Toooooo funny. You win the award.

:lmao:

Moxie

08-29-2009, 02:27 PM

What's the difference between a biitch and a hoar?
A hoar will phock anyone.
A biitch will phock anyone but you.

burgundia

08-29-2009, 04:47 PM

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs

I have seen some photos already, but i wouldn't put them up here....:roll1:. The lady in the photo was probably one of the first ones who had a breast enlargement...:wink2:

burgundia

08-29-2009, 04:49 PM

A secreatary to her boss: "Sir, can I use your dictaphone?"
The boss to his secretary:"Couldn't you just use your finger?"

Tango

08-29-2009, 07:42 PM

lindabaker

08-29-2009, 11:09 PM

It's a Pepper that looks like a Mr. Happy... Don't believe Me.

I had someone give me several peter peppers from his garden in Conyers, GA. You can't eat 'em. Too hot! If you cut a tiny sliver on your cutting board, just to taste, you will probably die. If some of the juice from the cut pepper gets on your hands, just one molecule on your tongue will make you wish you were never born. Ai yi yi

Tango

08-30-2009, 03:51 AM

tone3jaguar

08-31-2009, 03:25 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vz-ChvkP7z4

tone3jaguar

08-31-2009, 03:26 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4DqwNZVibk

burgundia

08-31-2009, 11:23 AM

"What are you going to do today?"
- "Nothing."
- "You did that yesterday."
- " I know, but I haven't finished yet."

Swanny

08-31-2009, 09:41 PM

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

>>>

>>

>>>

>>>

'Look Paddy..... there's that fecking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

morguana

08-31-2009, 11:00 PM

http://www.theburningbiscuit.com/Pictures%20for%20site/Demotivational%20Posters/wishes.jpg

hehe
bou x

Brinty

08-31-2009, 11:09 PM

This is an old one, but a good one . . . .

Three women were driving home after a day's golf when their car left the road on a bend, went through the guard rail and over a cliff. There were no survivors.

St Peter welcomed them at the Pearly Gates and told them that they were free to do as they chose without restrictions - the only rule was that they were to be careful not to step on any ducks. When they looked about, they saw that there were a lot of ducks waddling around. "If you step on one," says St Peter, "you will suffer a terrible fate - so take care."

The three women were careful to avoid the ducks but, after a week, one of them stepped on one. Within a split second St Peter appeared and told the culprit, "You were warned about the consequences of stepping on a duck and now you are about to suffer your permanent punishment. From now on, you will be shackled to the ugliest man in Heaven for the whole of eternity."

The poor woman was lead off sobbing and the remaining two were extra careful from then on. It was about six months later that the second woman stepped on a duck. In an instant St Peter appeared and she was shackled to the ugliest man you could imagine.

Well, the remaining woman was extremely careful after that. She had been in Heaven about two years without stepping on a duck when one day St Peter appeared in the company of the most handsome man she had ever set eyes on. He walked up to the woman and shackled her to this beautiful, muscular man.

She was stunned, what a magnificent example of manhood he was. She was so amazed at her good fortune she exclaimed out loud, "What in Heaven have I done to deserve this?"

The man replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

rhythm

09-01-2009, 08:48 AM

Fab funnies here

much appreciation

in admiration of your

gifts .....

micjer

09-01-2009, 12:07 PM

"What are you going to do today?"
- "Nothing."
- "You did that yesterday."
- " I know, but I haven't finished yet."

http://i562.photobucket.com/albums/ss64/Micjer_2009/retirement.jpg

Tango

09-01-2009, 06:42 PM

Brinty

09-01-2009, 08:38 PM

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single
girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of
the work day, I went to my friend's office wearing
a leather coat. When all the other people
had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was
a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto
heels. He was so aroused that we made
passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my
story! When my fiance got home last Friday,
he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had sex
all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids
to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.
I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a
black garter belt, black stockings
and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband
got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the
remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's
for dinner?"

Brinty

09-01-2009, 09:09 PM

We have found the 'Crackatinni' tribe and this must be their effort to 'green' Australia.

Experts thought the infamous 'Crackatinni' tribe had been wiped out years ago...until researchers stumbled upon a small cluster of tribe members in the middle of the harsh Australian outback.
The researchers were forced to approach quietly, lest they scare the inhabitants away before getting a chance to photograph them in their natural state...

http://projectavalon.net/forum/picture.php?albumid=336&pictureid=7416

Swanny

09-01-2009, 09:22 PM

VB :drink_nl:

Tango

09-02-2009, 02:18 AM

Brinty

09-02-2009, 06:59 AM

Farmer Brown had just finished baling hay and was slowly driving his tractor and baler across the field towards the road. Sitting on the baler was his dog Buster. A split second before they reached the road, a young bloke in a fast car came sliding around the bend in the gravel road. As he pulled the car out of its skid, he saw the tractor and baler on the road in front of him. He hit the brakes and jerked the wheel and the car left the road, jumped the ditch and fence, skidded around a bale of hay, then snaked across the field out of control. It demolished numerous bales of hay that were scattered around the field as it slipped and slid around until it miraculously made its way back onto the road through the far gate.

All the while, farmer Brown just sat and stared as this demolition was going on. Finally he turned to his dig Buster and said, "By golly, we just got out of there in time didn't we?" :mfr_omg:

Brinty

09-03-2009, 02:11 AM

Here's a video that always manages to bring a smile . . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgFjLB4VYSU

Kate

09-03-2009, 08:25 AM

:mfr_lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YxSUrdX4zY

Swanny

09-03-2009, 05:26 PM

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got the dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started
to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"

The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fecking Chihuahua???????:shocked:

Swanny

09-04-2009, 05:27 PM

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes snacks and meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies , don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands..
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again , ' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who hav e children and don't know it , we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight , the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans , bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you will want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining , super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge so up yours.'

metaw3

09-04-2009, 07:09 PM

Make your own flu vaccine at home:
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xac9uu_humour-sur-les-vaccins-st_fun

morguana

09-04-2009, 11:03 PM

:roll1::roll1::roll1: i :wub2: this thread cracks me up, thanks folk:thumb_yello:
bou x

Tango

09-06-2009, 09:57 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clw7SAJs_6w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sG_scaZ-474&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0QMe534owc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYEqePMQcdA&feature=related

Yep.... I know the feeling... Laughing Hard...

Tango

[hand over mouth] [Chuckle]

burgundia

09-07-2009, 07:24 AM

2 Englishmen come to Poland. They got a room number 22 in a hotel. One afternoon they want to order tea to their room so they call Reception.
-"Two tea to room two two."
The receptionist "param pam pam param pam pam"

lindabaker

09-07-2009, 03:37 PM

Atlanta reporter goes to the country...Augusta, GA. for the day...warning...contains vulgar language.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUS6nKpddec&feature=PlayList&p=F87507F63CAB1349&index=23

Tango

09-08-2009, 07:55 PM

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You disrespectful swine!' she cried. 'How can you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use? Welll....

Tango

Tango

09-09-2009, 01:07 AM

Hand Signs....

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

W-H-A-T.......

Tango

Tango

09-09-2009, 03:19 AM

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, " How will I recognize him ?"

"That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment."

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth ?"

So, the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth ?"

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf ?"

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat ?"

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing....

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can, I thee her wun awound a widdlebit ?"

Tango

Tango

09-10-2009, 06:56 PM

This reminds me of Washington D.C.; If we ask them to Explain themselves...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfmvkO5x6Ng

I remember these guyz; funny.....

Trooly,

Tango

Brinty

09-11-2009, 06:29 AM

This could well bring tears to your eyes - if you don't put your fingers in your ears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JytbHDRG0U&feature=related

Jnana

09-11-2009, 01:35 PM

http://www.teamseacats.com/jake/1241027332_kangaroo-kicks-kid-in-th.gif

http://www.agoracart.com/blog/easter_what.jpg

TheObserver

09-11-2009, 05:41 PM

Ok i hope this isn't too off-color (and after reading this thread i think i'll be safe):

What kind of bees give milk?

Boo-bees :lol3:

JesterTerrestrial

09-11-2009, 07:47 PM

A suicidal number Zero is taught an important lesson by a wise number One. :original:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owiplctOx84

THE eXchanger

09-11-2009, 09:03 PM

xxxx

Tango

09-13-2009, 01:06 AM

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later

so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.

'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,

and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Snicker; snort,

Tango

Swanny

09-16-2009, 07:46 AM

1. Teaching maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds
and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a
measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach
of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut
something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident
however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is
therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA
is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.
He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is
such an easy target. When he is released he returns t o find Gypsies have
cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them
off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority,
imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the
rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a
leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind
several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release
is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his
own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental
pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe
disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, give up, sign on to the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan
to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money
on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in
Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few
million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made
the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however,
as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations
and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it
back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send
their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and
their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to
deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home
they return to the UKwith different names and fresh girls and start again.

The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name
is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration
fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses
are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim
the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار . صاحب تكلفة
الانت =D 8 ج
:sneaky2:

Tango

09-16-2009, 05:43 PM

It sounds like AL.....Wink

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpeqEex6zfI&NR=1

Tango

Jnana

09-17-2009, 04:06 AM

Need some help?

Medieval Help Desk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ

Star Wars Help Desk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Q8DriPCX2o&NR=1

Internet Help Desk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-_51OsaaSY

Jnana

09-21-2009, 08:20 PM

My daughter wanted to thank everyone for buying all of the girl scout cookies last year… she did well, and actually won her area for the most in sales!!!! She was proud of everyone at the company… and still talks about how daddy’s work bought all of them…

Well, it’s coming up again soon in a few months…. And she especially wants to go after those that didn’t buy last year, to see if she can sell even more… and even wanted to share this image with you all… a few months early so you can ponder your orders and SAVE for them… thanks in advance…

http://projectavalon.net/forum/picture.php?albumid=477&pictureid=7540

Tango

09-22-2009, 02:02 PM

JU ever Hav to go to the Hardware Store... Geez, its sooo busy there...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Chc9DwDkWn0

It's " A Guy Thang "....... LOL

Snicker,

Tango

Tango

09-22-2009, 11:38 PM

Maybe we should take off our shirts; Probably get more chicks...
If we take our shirts off.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuYD2cwMbpw&feature=fvw

Matt Damon... does M... Na I'm not go'in to tell ya.... It's too damn funny To ruin it.

Snicker; Snort,

Tango

waitinginthewings

09-23-2009, 01:28 AM

Heres one that cracked me up all the way through it. Ladies you will understand what I mean:original:

WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

____________ _________ _________ __
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

____________ _________ _________ __
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

____________ _________ _________ _
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

____________ _________ _________ _
THURSDAY:
******* was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
____________ _________ _________ ___
FRIDAY:
I hate that ******* Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

____________ _________ _________ __
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

____________ _________ _________ __
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Swanny

09-23-2009, 08:51 PM

Remember if you die in debt you made a profit :thumb_yello:

waitinginthewings

09-25-2009, 03:31 AM

Geez......no one like the joke I posted......ok.:nono: I laughed all the way through it.

Swanny

09-25-2009, 09:07 AM

Nah it was cr ap :wink2::naughty:

Tango

09-25-2009, 10:27 PM

O K...... Well this one was just NUTS.....?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0A8B-nNjh4&feature=channel

Under The Table........? Are Brits weird Or What...

Is This REAL.....? What the F...

Tango

Christo888

09-26-2009, 03:45 AM

Wow that Christo sounds like a real s.o.b. :naughty:

Hey Tango... so can we go interview Cameron?:lmao:

Tango

09-26-2009, 06:59 AM

Tango

09-26-2009, 07:40 AM

My kinda Guy

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the
local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on
stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he
wanted to thank

everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support
them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and

to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes,
he turned to the best man and said, '*** you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, '*** you very much !'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this
guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong..

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless. [Wink.

Trooly

Tango

Tango

09-26-2009, 07:47 AM

Doubles. Snipers. I didn't have a coupon.

peaceandlove

09-26-2009, 10:54 AM

How to Kiss: Gradual Practice Tips :lol3:

:snog:

Video (3:45): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bT8nSbpQSLs&feature=related

Tango

09-26-2009, 08:31 PM

Oh... To hell with the Kissing...

I'll take THAT basket of Fruit... MMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm.

Would that be Juicy Fruit.... Bwahahahahahahahahaha

Hey... PaL That was really, really funny. I loved it... Thank you.

Tango

How to Kiss: Gradual Practice Tips :lol3:

:snog:

Video (3:45): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bT8nSbpQSLs&feature=related

Dantheman62

09-26-2009, 09:55 PM

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,

and you just need to take it out on someone,

don't take it out on someone you know,

take it out on someone you don't know,

but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered

a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying

'Hello.'

I politely said,

'This is Chris.

Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear

'Get the right f***ing number!'

and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,

I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,

I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled

'You're an as...hole!'

and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'as...hole' next to it,

and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,

when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,

I'd call him up and yell,

'You're an as...hole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,

I thought my therapeutic 'as...hole'

calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,

'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.

I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled

'NO!'

and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,

'That's because you're an as...hole!'

and hung up.

One day I was at the store,

getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW

cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,

but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,

so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,

right after calling the first as...hole

(I had is number on speed dial,)

I thought that I'd better call the BMW as...hole, too.

I said,

'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,

'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,

'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,

'Yes, I live at 234 Oaktree Blvd , in Waveland

It's a yellow cottage style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,

'What's your name?'

He said,

'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked,

'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,

'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,

'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,

'Yes?'

I said,

'Don, you're an as...hole!'

Then I hung up,

and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,

I had two as...hole's to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called as...hole #1.

He said,

'Hello.'

I said,

'You're an as...hole!'

(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,

'Are you still there?'

I said,

'Yeah!'

He screamed,

'Stop calling me,'

I said,

'Make me,'

He asked,

'Who are you?'

I said,

'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,

'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,

'as...hole, I live at 234 Oaktree Blvd , in Waveland ,

a yellow cottage style home and

I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,

'I'm coming over right now, Don.

And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,

'Yeah, like I'm really scared, as...hole,'

and hung up.

Then I called as...hole #2.

He said,

'Hello?'

I said,

'Hello, as...hole,'

He yelled,

'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,

'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,

'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered,

'Well, as...hole, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,

saying that I lived at 234 Oaktree Blvd , in Waveland ,

and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News

about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Waveland .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Waveland!!

I got there just in time to watch two as...holes

beating the sh..t out of each other

in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter

and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

This anger management stuff works great!

Tango

09-26-2009, 11:29 PM

Dan.......

YOU just made My Flocking day... I am NOW a happy
Man.

Tango

micjer

09-26-2009, 11:58 PM

Dan you really are the man.

Awesome :lmao:

Seth Haniel

09-27-2009, 02:25 PM

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!' Noticing20some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up...

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says...
'Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Brilliance only comes with age and experience.

Tango

09-29-2009, 01:39 AM

Waving My arm's like Kerry.... I did... Sorry, I've been busy; Healing

N' posting stuff..... sorry, I missed it at first.

Geez......no one like the joke I posted......ok.:nono: I laughed all the way through it.

Christo888

10-01-2009, 03:34 AM

The difference between 5th dimension and 3rd dimension.:lol3:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BFbla9t18A&feature=related

Dantheman62

10-01-2009, 05:31 PM

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different... Two Different Versions! Two Different
Morals!

OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference
and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well
fed while others are cold and starving.

MSNBC, CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures
of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his

comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by

the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and
everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant 's house
where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'
Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's
sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King
that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both
call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair
share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper
Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his
home is confiscated by the government.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last
bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just
happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he
doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the
house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize
the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: BE CAREFUL HOW YOU VOTE IN 2010!

Tango

10-02-2009, 03:43 PM

How I learned to mind my own business...

Sooo, I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

And all those patients were shouting, " 13....13....13."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a

Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see

Just What the hell was Really going on.....

Some ' A$$hole ' poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then, those A$$holes all started shouting " 14....14....14..."

And, That's how I learned how to mind My own business...

I, hope YOU now have learned to mind your own business...

Trooly,

Tango

burgundia

10-02-2009, 05:57 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFz8F9-kz80
cat owners will understand....:wink2:

morguana

10-04-2009, 02:27 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1qHVVbYG8Y

:original:
bou x

burgundia

10-04-2009, 02:32 PM

Thank you bou..that series is so funny...and so true about the nature of cats....

burgundia

10-04-2009, 02:38 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s13dLaTIHSg&feature=channel

waitinginthewings

10-04-2009, 04:22 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFz8F9-kz80
cat owners will understand....:wink2:

eventhough I'm not a cat person, that was funny.....tks.

Tango

10-05-2009, 01:41 PM

SEVEN KINDS OF SEX Hope I'm Not breaking the Rules......

Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have
been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you
will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have
been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten
routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have
been with your partner for tooo long. When you pass each other in
the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get
Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot
stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in
front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called:

Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN......

Please,

Tango

Tango

10-05-2009, 02:39 PM

Man Dies While At Golf Course.

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help..."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck .

Swanny

10-05-2009, 10:28 PM

Hotel cooking??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMhQc8T7tqQ

Sorry but no idea how to post a youtube link so that it shows up in here in a nice little box, so you'll just have to click on that instead :tongue2:

Tango

10-05-2009, 11:40 PM

It doesn't.... We have to trust you... N' I trust you, Swanny cause your always
chasing that Wabbit [chuckle]

Hotel cooking??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMhQc8T7tqQ

Sorry but no idea how to post a youtube link so that it shows up in here in a nice little box, so you'll just have to click on that instead :tongue2:

rhythm

10-06-2009, 08:35 AM

Hey guys thanks for all the funnis

yep rhythmmms been

able to laugh!!!:roll1::roll1:

rhythm

10-06-2009, 08:47 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOEf6s7azLA

rhythm

10-06-2009, 08:49 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOEf6s7azLA

sorry this link not working ...

rhythm

10-06-2009, 08:51 AM

sorry this link not working ...

well it seems like it is working now ...
well try it :lmfao:

iainl140285

10-06-2009, 12:01 PM

:mfr_lol:This thread is funny:thumb_yello:

Here's a few. Titled - How the Fight Started:

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...

Luminari

10-06-2009, 01:39 PM

http://i717.photobucket.com/albums/ww178/luminari_2009/futurecast-penis.jpg

rhythm

10-06-2009, 01:42 PM

http://i717.photobucket.com/albums/ww178/luminari_2009/futurecast-penis.jpg
hey luminari dont want to be around when that one goes off!!

burgundia

10-06-2009, 01:42 PM

iain and Luminari...:roll1::roll1::roll1::roll1:

burgundia

10-06-2009, 01:43 PM

hey luminari dont want to be around when that one goes off!!

are you sure? :lmfao::lmfao::lmfao::roll1:

Tango

10-06-2009, 04:27 PM

The Mammogram...

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping, unclothed,on her bed.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you anyway?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 51-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up", she replied.

As Iain says:

Then the fight started.

Tango

iainl140285

10-06-2009, 04:34 PM

:mfr_lol::lmfao::lmao:
Class:thumb_yello:

Swanny

10-06-2009, 05:02 PM

Scientists have reveled they have found new drug for depressed lesbians,
it's called: Trydixagain

:wink2:

JesterTerrestrial

10-06-2009, 05:10 PM

Scientists have reveled they have found new drug for depressed lesbians,
it's called: Trydixagain

:wink2:

They also invented a birth control pill for men. You take it the day after and it changes your blood type! :naughty:

hehe just jokin

micjer

10-07-2009, 01:34 PM

Jay Leno said the other night on his show that the last surviving person from the Titantic has died......

Yep she was only 6 meters from shore!

:naughty:

TheObserver

10-07-2009, 02:09 PM

George Carlin's Philosophy of Life:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do, "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated,but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards,what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid,would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns,do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44. If you ate pasta and anti pasta,would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail,and succeed,which have you done?

rhythm

10-07-2009, 04:34 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLgtdwXutUo.

Billy Connerly live in Ireland ... SO funny ...

rhythm

10-07-2009, 05:28 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvqSaQ1yijs

Bill Baily also very funny

Tango

10-08-2009, 06:07 PM

The first time in My life when I saw girl take her Bra off without taking her top off.

I went WWWhhhhaaaaaa... How, ya do that....

JU ever know a guy could do that with his Swimsuit.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BFhN3n1S88

Mr. Bean did it...

Trooly,

Tango

Wormhole

10-08-2009, 07:33 PM

Q: Why do aliens always look expressionless, unemotional and stoic?

A: Thousands of years of Botox and plastic surgery. That's why they are here, to get our Botox. Just try it, you too could look like a Gray!

morguana

10-08-2009, 08:25 PM

as a lover of monty python, this is one of our (sprogs and i) favs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZlBUglE6Hc
tango loved the mr bean clip :roll1:
but really folks your jokes and clips are sooooo funny, always good for a laugh
bou x

burgundia

10-08-2009, 08:34 PM

morguana

10-08-2009, 09:01 PM

wow neither did i burgundia :roftl:, must have blinked and missed it :lol3:
bou x

Tango

10-08-2009, 09:04 PM

What I didn't say, and I wondered If I should is when she handed me her

Bra... What are you handing it to me for.... It's tooo small for me...

She said what [cocked her head to the side]... It looks like a double barrel

slingshot... But, the cups are tooo small...

She, hit me over the head, N' walked away. I called after her... " Did I say

something wrong..." She, looked back at me with a frown. She never talked

to me again... Even after high school... "I, still don't get it..."

Tango

The first time in My life when I saw girl take her Bra off without taking her top off.

I went WWWhhhhaaaaaa... How, ya do that....

Trooly,

Tango

Karen

10-10-2009, 08:49 AM

Tango we need to balance this out with a little ChickComedy.

The nail salon part reminds me of when my mom and I go to the Chinese restaurant and the little owner lady comes over to visit with us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baDJ-ZIvYy0

Karen

10-10-2009, 10:48 AM

Absolutely hilarious dance act.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg
Stavros Flatly - Greek Irish Dancers - Britains Got Talent 2009

Dantheman62

10-10-2009, 05:17 PM

> A boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a
> farm, his mother
>
> asks if he has done his chores.
> 'Not yet' said the little boy.
> His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his
> chores.
> Well, he's a little ******, so he goes to feed
> the chickens, and
> he
> kicks a chicken.
> He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
> He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
> He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives
> him a bowl of
> dry
> cereal.
> 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
> And why don't I have
> any milk
> in my cereal? he asks.
> Well, ' his mother says, ' I saw you kick a
> chicken, so you don't
> get
> any eggs for a week.
> I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any
> bacon for a week
> either
> I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you
> aren't getting any
> milk.
> Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
> kicks the cat
> halfway across the kitchen.
> The Little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
> and says,
> Are you going to tell him, or should I ?