A Tale of Self-Discovery

[Czymra]

Greetings Avalonians,

I have been here for roughly three moons now and have learned with a velocity that I thought impossible a year or two ago. Only now have I come to the understanding of my lessons over the last years and the participation on this forum has catalysed this process greatly, along with some other events, which curiously are now beyond my emotional judgement. Please know that this has less to do with all that lies behind the NWO, that in fact leaves me surprisingly un-surprised. It is all the more the tacit detail in which anything from concept to emotional insight is presented here. I may not resonate with all that is here and have to reject some, but I absorb it with a willingness that I have seldom had towards anything else in my life. Maybe it is that re-cognising of willingness that has now carved a path for my new outlook.

I have been inspired by many threads of people voicing intimate issues and have encountered an honesty yet humility in many that I have known only from myself and maybe a handful of others until now. It truly is a calling I long mistook for a need to feel special, now I know that there is more to the sensation. The window is broken.

As an expression of my immense gratitude for all this, as well as a vehicle for my own discovery, I would like to share some shards of my experience in this life. It shall be an exploration of my own inner world, specifically my memories (how could it be not so). In the course of this I hope to achieve a few things personally and am encouraged to do this only now that I know there is a listening ear (eye). Strangely enough, having conversations with myself is the hardest lesson. I do not listen enough. I am learning.

Firstly, I have heard many times that a new language will be required to concisely communicate the now emerging dynamics. I have con/received this thought for years and am so delighted to hear this from other sources/channels. I have a special interest in language and will try to paint the associations I hope to convey as accurately as possible in the hope that at some point the notions can be distilled into the new.

Secondly, I hope to re-locate/repair the prism of my perception. Some of the crystal shards which are in my possession I will share here, and hopefully some of you can enlighten me to a meaning that might have eluded me so far. Furthermore, their retelling will heat the hearth of my inspiration anew to a heat that has long since been missing, as it it went with my innocence. Already now I can feel it preying in anticipation.

Lastly but of course not least, I hope that some of you will find a piece of themselves or at least appreciate the intimacy of my rambling.

The stage is set.

The beginning is always now. To begin at birth is a misstep in my opinion. What do I know about my birth? The earliest memory I have retained is dancing on legs and arms under the table while my mother watches TV. Pure bliss, for no reason. Now I am 23, and my life feels strangely removed from myself. I have spent the winter solstice in my hometown and I rediscover the place anew every time. This time however, it felt as if it was from another life, no longer mine. Everything is different. I move in a known space, my hands know where to reach, my feet follow a path I have walked countless times before. Yet, it seems the first time. Even my relations to the people there began anew, though it was difficult at times not to fall back into old habits. A tension between dimensions that helped me stay awake.
I never understood why people feel rooted in a space in these three dimension. I've always longed to find myself anew somewhere else, in someone else.
When I left for Norway I never missed my old home but No.way never became a home to me, either. In fact, I felt at home only in the arms of my girlfriend, the rest was vast wilderness to be explored. That was enough.
When I left for London this stayed the same. In German we have a word that translates only roughly to '(feeling of) security'. It's a poor surrogate. "Geborgenheit", the feeling you know inherently from you mother's lap, the blissful state of no worries atall that slowly decomposes when you grow older, wearier and less innocent.
London offered no padding, no refuge. Geborgenheit wasn't only amiss, I thought it didn't even exist anymore. Homestead became a place to rest your body in when it was dark, yet the loneliness lingered in the corners of the darkness, sleep was the last thing on my mind.
People, people, people, everywhere the eye meets people of all races, types, moods, tendencies, vibrations. I've never know (outer) chaos before. Full confrontation, yet acrobatic evasion and distance. Each to himself.

Now however, even with my second girlfriend having left for Japan, most contacts washed away by time and more on my own than ever before, I stand tall, for the first time in my life, I actually feel the age I am, ready for the task at hand and armed with all that is necessary.

"I have no need for rations, the journey is so long, if I don't find food along the way I must starve to death."

-Franz Kafka, Der Aufbruch (The Departure (loose translation))

Fractions are lost. The sleeper has awoken but vital pieces are missing.
Large portions of experience are just blank. I can not account for most of my life. Now that I wake fractions come back, they are not unknown, they are no revelation, but they are bread crumbs that lead back into the labyrinth. Yet, there are memories, when told of by my parents I can only recall a synthetic picture that I have created in my mind's eye due to the pressure of constant retelling. 'Yes wasn't it like that...." as if the memory was mine.
I know I can not trust my re-collection. I have caught myself several times red-handed as I fill in details to make sense of a situation that was wrongly perceived to begin with. Peace of mind at all costs, or rather sleepiness?

"Everything is known the me yet somehow beyond my reach."
-Major Garland Briggs, Twin Peaks

But there are a few memories that are so visceral on the canvas of my horizon that I will never forget. These seem as portals, that once 'activated', understood, forgiven?... will unlock the gates to the essence of my past. Like many of you have described in your recounting of contacts or NDEs to be able to regain access to these milestones of your lives, I too believe that this knowledge isn't wiped from existence.

I remember praying as a child:
"Please allow me to be special, I'll even take pain... but do it slowly."

Was it God I spoke to? I must have believed so at the time but now there has been a shift in meaning. Was something happening that I till this day have walled up deep within me, never to be laid eyes upon again? If that is so, it must be like an invisible tumour that has spread its tentacles all throughout my being now. I can only account on the behalf of the immense fear I sensed ever since I remember being aware of being alive, for this omnipresent sense of threat.

Everybody wants to be special. It's a need that is soon bought into by fairy tales that one is told from early age. The first conditioning shower. So maybe this amnesia is natural, simply due to the possibly traumatic experiences among my parents.
Without reading of other accounts on this forum I would have stayed with this conclusion. However, there is a single piece that isn't a part of the puzzle I'm aware of.
The most vivid recollection of a kiss on my ear at an age where I can be certain to have no kind of relation to a girl especially one of this sexual intensity.

It is my conviction that I can think of no thing out of the no-thing. Everything is somehow recycled and only seldom is mankind granted a new thought from which spring thousands of manifestations. For all the uncertainty about my past, I can distinctly speak about this one as an experience so real, it can not be the fruit of mere imagination.
In fact, it is only now due to my maturity that I am able to judge its authenticity, as it can not be compared to sexual fantasies before and after an actual first sexual experience. These imaginations shifted so drastically in colour and feel that claiming any knowledge of union between man and woman would be ridiculous.

...but that kiss was no figment.

Did this spark over from another incarnation or is it the only trace left of contact? Could this explain my lifelong paranoia, petrification at presences around me and an amount of fear that seems unreasonable measured by the extent of my experiences?

There are only a few more clues that seem like other cornerstones. Their significance however, is yet beyond me:

1. Getting lost as a child in the streets of Mt. Saint Michel.


2. Becoming sick while watching children's TV, specifically 'The Snow Queen' as the protagonist is corrupted with an ice splinter that pierces in his eye and an african cartoon in which a baby frees an evil queen from its possession by removing the thorn from her back. (Both feature an alien artefact/splinter in a body.)

3. Feverish hallucinations when in puberty of two ravaging armies battling each other in such force that only my first impression of Lord of the Ring battles can somehow stand up to it. The two armies of the same size slaughter each other with such speed that I fear no one will survive. In the end, there is only one person left. I do not know if he is one of the whites or the blacks.

4. Recurring dreams of which I only remember one vividly but know that I have some of them again and again even today. The one I have retained is one from early childhood. My best friends and I are in a large underground cavern where ancient building are erected beside streams of water of which we crossed one just moments ago. It looks very similar to Ae'gura of the D'ni in the game Uru.


We reach a house with a relief on the outside wall. It depicts a female figure from waist up. Instead of nose and mouth it features a beak.

One might also liken the image to that of the 'doctor plague' masks known from venetian carnival.


Suddenly, the figure becomes alive. It's giant beak arches out, it's arm reaches toward me. A slender vase in it's hand, it commands me to drink. I fear and refuse... then with more intensity it commands me to DRINK. I give in and drink the potion. The notion of this having a healing effect stays with me but I do not recollect what else happened. I do however have the sensation of psychic force connected with this figure.

The only other significant dream that I can lay words to (for in most dreams there is no speech, in fact people don't even look the way they're supposed to look, I just know who and what) is one in which I am on the moon and I converse with a worm in an underground network of caves. Curiously there's a film like that I just discovered: http://www.theseventhvoyage.com/themooncalf.htm


Re-entering London this January was scary at first.
The thought of being in a town of millions is not encouraging when one reads on these forums. I have however started to reign over my emotions long ago and am not slowly regaining my control over the fear I have been carrying with me for way too long. I am able to focus now, in fact I live healthier than ever now, have even managed to meditate every day since I returned and the benefits are mind blowing. I carry the Geborgenheit within me now. If I allow it, any place can be home and I recognise the people around me as an opportunity, not an obstacle. I have learned to listen to those smaller signs my bodies give to me and in fact I've even regained my ability to feel that energy of warm shivering flow through me as I did when I was a child. I can even control it to an extent, feel others energy from a distance and just today I seem to have learned how to not reject the wind but to embrace it, yes even take energy from it.

I believe that once I learn to reclaim those lost crystal shards I can learn to go out of my own way and fulfil the purpose I assigned myself with. My ego still craves the superiority and I do not understand why even the spiritual experiences are so hard to retain in our mind. In fact, I think wanting to experience them and KNOW that I did is the last instance that holds on to the self. The more I learn to give in to the divine plan however, I experience a motivation, that also lead to the writing of this, and which was beyond my grasp at any other time before.

Thank you for being a part of Avalon. Without you, my journey would have erred on windy paths much longer.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=gWcv5IwHBWU

P.S.: If against all positive thought a bright light and a mushroom cloud go off in London and you should see the light, think of me as coming your way very quickly and very brightly.