How to not live in the past?

[JackWhite]

I need your help. A year and a half ago, I broke up with my boyfriend (we were together for 4.5 years). For six months we saw each other, I came to see him. Then I had to leave for another country and I didn’t have the opportunity to come. He didn’t block me because he promised to help me in one matter. During this time, I had sexual experiences with other men (2 men), and he had sexual experiences with two women (according to him). Later, I was able to come to his country. He allowed me to spend the night at his place, later he said that he wanted me to leave as soon as possible and not have contact with him anymore, because it would not be very good for his future relationship (this is correct and I understand that). It hurt me, but I didn’t get in touch with him in any way. I cried and slept a lot (in my free time from work). A month later, a young man met me and asked me out on a date. I decided that it was worth trying to get out somewhere. And literally a couple of days later, when I began to feel that I might not be so uninteresting with others, my ex pinged me.Everything washed over me like a wave again. I feel dirty (that I had men after my ex). And I feel like a giver that I am faithful to my choice after the breakup. I also blame myself for smoking and drinking a lot to drown out my feelings. I feel disgusting. And what’s even more disgusting is that I’m just mired in my past. In an endless analysis of the past and what I did wrong. And in the past, which I had until 2022. And as if my ex-boyfriend is such a life raft that connects me with that past that I will never get back... We don’t communicate with the guy, I’m blocked from him everywhere. I'm in another country. I don’t communicate with anyone except relatives and store clerks...

[Harmony]

What comes to mind is to create what you want your future to look like now that you know what you don't want. Be the person you want to be and it is likely the rest will eventually take care of itself over time.



I think everyone has a past they would wish didn't happen and was difficult in some area of their life, it could be a health issue or a realationship issue, or a financial issue, what ever we are here to learn about. It helps to learn from that experience and keep going forward, try again with your new knowing and leave the past where it belongs, as a learning tool. Sometimes there are times that bring up past feelings, just be aware of that and take note, simply thank the reminder, stop the rerun of the mental video of the past and replace it with who you are now and where you want to go.

[thepainterdoug]

Hi Id love to help, but I dont believe I can. I see your 28. I was a train wreck back then and thru my 30ies as well. Most of life has to be gone thru not gone around. lived head on as you seem to be doing. your in it, and growing no matter what you think
Your hard on yourself. Its easy to tell someone not to be, but regardless, dont be so hard on yourself.

Maybe find a quiet inner voice and be its friend. God I would call it. and then your never alone. Im just startring to get good at this at 70

good on you for writing on this group. lots of caring and decent people here. my very best wishes to you.

[JackWhite]

Thank you very much for your advice. I’m just coming to this very inner voice - God. It's just really incredibly difficult to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for who you were and how much pain you caused. And how much I lost because of my behavior and attitude. I try very hard to balance and listen to myself, but fear comes over me in waves. I feel terribly lonely and lost. I am so far away from those who are truly dear to me. I unbearably want warmth and love, and I am ready to give warmth and love...
I didn't understand this before. I tried with all my might to “test” a person’s endurance, how much he would endure... But in reality, I was just afraid that I would be right and that they would leave me. And they abandoned me because I brought it to this myself...
Life is incredible. And each of us has our own tragic story, but no matter how many of these stories you listen to, until you gain experience yourself, other people’s words will not mean anything. And this is so sad and so painful. So much has been written and is still being written about this, making a movie...
People...
What interesting creatures we are.

Thanks again and take care. I would be glad if you share your experience and observations, it would be very valuable to me.

[thepainterdoug]

Not sure this will be relatable, but my mom, passed on now, was very loving. I knew I was very loved, and as a child I seemed to ask myself, why, why does she love and accept me so much. So I used to test her, test the parameters. I would be somewhat nasty at times , rude, and judgemental.
I think an element of this has lasted in me with relationships at times.
I think I would push people away, try to find out the limits. This is not a thing I am proud of.
i guess I was just trying to understand who I was?
Do you have any of this in you?

[Harmony]

This video from the Dolores Cannon material is helpful for people going through difficult changes in their lives and what that might mean in our personal journey.

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=ixQ5jyE9wNU

[JackWhite]

Yes, I have. I also tested my partner for the “truth” and “sincerity” of his love. I couldn’t believe that I was truly loved and appreciated, and I wanted to subconsciously prove the opposite. And with my behavior I forced him to prove just this... And I realized this when time had already passed after the breakup...