Cancered not Cancelled

[scotslad]

Apologies for my silence of late. Allow me to explain why... and to share one of the conversations no one prepares you for.

"How's you?"
"How's your week been?"
"Fit like?"
"You alright?"
"What's new?"

They're some of the most ordinary questions we ask.
Most of us answer them without thinking.

"Not bad."
"Keeping busy."
"Can't complain."
Until one day...
...the answer changes.

Mine did. Not because cancer changed me overnight. Because it changed the conversations around me.

Recently, I was told I had cancer. Three words. That's all it took.
Not to change who I am. But to change how other people saw me.

Some people wrapped me in kindness.
Some didn't know what to say.
Some immediately tried to fix me.
Some reached for humour...
...then quickly realised there wasn't much to laugh about.
Some quietly disappeared.

And some, said nothing at all.

No one prepares you for that. They prepare you for the surgery.
The scans. The treatment. The waiting. But no one prepares you for the silence. Or the awkwardness. Or the strange feeling that, in some people's minds, your future has quietly been rewritten.

As though cancer doesn't just change your health, it changes the way other people imagine your future. Except, it doesn't.

Yes, my life has changed. And yes, I've had surgery with more Chemo to come...

I've experienced two agonising episodes of acute urinary retention, both requiring emergency catheterisation. They've left me wondering whether I'll ever face another catheter without fear.

I've heard words I never imagined would apply to me:

Chemotherapy. Recurrence. Risk.

But here's what cancer hasn't done.
It hasn't cancelled my curiosity or my purpose.

I'm still writing. I'm still building. I'm still planning. I'm still me.
There are still books I want to write. There are still people I want to help.

What has surprised me most isn't the diagnosis. It's what the diagnosis reveals.

It reveals who stays. Who checks in. Who keeps showing up.
Some people surprised me. Others didn't.

Who changes the subject because they simply don't know what to say.
Who quietly assumes you've stopped planning for the future.
And who just sits beside you...
...and reminds you that you're still you.

For me cancer is a diagnosis. It is not an identity.
Some days it occupies my thoughts. It doesn't get to occupy my life.

Perhaps that's the real conversation no one prepares us for.
Not how to live with cancer. But how to live beyond the assumptions that so often come with it.

So yes...
I've been cancered.
But I refuse to be cancelled.

Not by fear.
Not by assumptions.
Not by other people's expectations.
Not even by cancer itself.
Because while cancer may change your circumstances...
...it doesn't get to write the ending.

What's the conversation no one prepared you for?

Aye, it's good to be back. Thanks for listening.

[Harmony]

So wonderful to hear from you again Scotslad. That is a great attitude you have. When things get tough heathwise I just keep on going and try to be in the now while looking forward to a wonderful future with the people you love, and the things you love to do

[JackMcThorn]

There is a special person that is at peace with life no matter what adversity is faced. It is motivating to see and helps others strive for such peace.

[Bill Ryan]

Please be sure to read everything on this thread, a gold mine of valuable and health-preserving information!!

• All About Cancer

[Denise/Dizi]

WOW!

I love that you out it out there in plain english for everyone to read... I have MS, which can become deadly if it gets too far, as it messes with so many things in the body... As such, you would think I became a leaper to some in my inner circle. I can relate. While I was dealing with the worst of it, I learned who my true friends were, and who my acquaintances were. I got to the point where I literally bought a wheelchair, with the sense that my foot drop and falls would eventually progress into that, as it was rapidly doing so...

Until I didn't see it that way... and I took my own well being into my own hands. I gave away the chair and stopped to take note of who was still left in my inner circle, and it was a very few... Those I had most often spent time with began to fall away as I had to spend my time going to the hospital, and politely declining social invites.. Those in the family that used to invite us to do things, stopped inviting us, more than likely believing we would say no, or some special needs would have to be met for me to attend.. (It was usually summertime we would go out on the lake) The heat became an issue, but I dealt with that, and it wouldn't have in any way caused them to alter their habits...

Funny, once I got it back under control, those who saw me failing, were surprised. And began to ask me to spend time with them again... But I politely declined... I realized my time was valuable... Those who stayed with me were valuable in my life... And I wanted them to know that... My way of showing it was showing up, and NOT focusing on my condition...

While I did everything in my power to be well, I didn't make it a topic of conversation, if I got exhausted, I would sit down, and just let people know I was ok, just needed a rest. I took all of the concern about my well being out of their hands, and into my own. So much so that people forget I have this disease. I did work my tail off to overcome some of the major issues I was dealing with by way of physical therapy, etc... Something even the insurance company said was futile...

There are now days when I have to remind my peers that I even have the disease... And they aren't in any way pitying me... They just nod and know I am going to do whatever I have to do to get through whatever it is I am facing at that time... and they give me the space to do it.

I love that you faced your cancer, and let go of the things you cannot change... Allowing you to focus on the things that you could...More people should do so...

So much time has passed now, and I know if I reach out to some of those old friends, they would have room for me in their lives now as their circumstances have changed as well... Kids grown, etc... But I also know I have a limited amount of energy to use daily, so I fill that time with things that truly matter to me.. My family, my new friends who didn't see me as "Broken", without trying to find a way to maintain a relationship with me... One's that just could have stayed how they were, but they couldn't figure out how to make that happen...

It seems that once most identify themselves as being "different" in some way, it disrupts something in their minds that make them react different to that diversity. I never asked them to carry my diagnosis.. Just to acknowledge that I may have to change my behaviors for awhile... To get well...

I am glad you eloquently wrote out some things that most, who have a permenant issue they have to deal with in their lives, are still the same people they were before their diagnosis. People don't realize they do subtly change when faced with such things in their inner circle, and they DO behave differently...

Welcome back and here's to your speedy recovery... Whatever that may look like for you. I know it is an uphill battle, but you got this... And tell us what books you write or have written! I would be curious to read them!