Blank Canvas

[Fred Steeves]

A blank canvas is what every artist starts out with when they are ready to create. Most already have a vision in mind from the get go, but sometimes the form of this new creation depends on first putting pen to paper so to speak, allowing the work to create itself. The latter of the two is basically what "Blank Canvas" is envisioned as.

I don't have an Earthly clue what it will become, that will depend entirely upon the many pens that will touch this fresh new canvas, those many pens being YOU, the members of Avalon. It can/should be about virtually anything, but I will confess to harboring one small general vision I do have for it. Please make it bold, daring, maybe even a bit downright uncomfortable. Hell, even make it a little sleazy at times if you want, I don't care. Just something that's not generally considered fit for "polite conversation". And yet "it's" always there, isn't it? It's a part of who we are, even when we pretend it isn't there. Billy Joel's "The Stranger" comes to mind.

If you're faint of heart and easily offended, please, this thread is not for you. So don't complain. Now that you've been duly warned, I'll start the ball rolling here. Don't forget, it doesn't have to be about what I write here at all, the sky is the limit. This is just an example of a not in polite conversation subject. So buckle in, and let's do this shall we?

Note that this is not a story I am at all proud of. It is simply something that happened, and it took me to a place inside myself that I previously didn't know was there. It still scares me a little, and makes me even more want to avoid physical confrontation at (almost) all costs. Even to the point of being called a coward, that's o.k.

Humans as we all know, are capable of anything. Well, this also includes us here. Have you ever thought about what you are capable of doing, if placed in the right circumstance, at the right time? Or should I say the wrong place, at the wrong time? Tricky that.

So, are you say, capable of killing someone if you had to? If you think you are, do you think it would be a calculated, logical decision? A reflexive action? Maybe a combo package of both? Have you thought about it? Has it almost happened? Has someone almost killed you?

Around 12 or so years ago, we had this couple as next door neighbors who after a point, the only words ever spoken back and forth were extremely unpleasant. One night a confrontation finally happened, right in the middle of where our two front yards meet. The man and I were confronting each other face to face, as were my wife and the woman close by.

I was very shocked at his actions, he was on something. Cocaine and alcohol probably. I had fully expected me to have my say, probably him have his right back, and that would be that, a stupid standoff. Atleast though he would know how upset we were with their actions. Well, what's the first thing he does as I approach? He was f*****g thrilled! With a wild look in his eye he ripped off his shirt and was ready to rumble, growling like an animal. I was absolutely stunned.

At that point all I wanted to do was figure a way out of the situation. I've never been a fighter, even back then as a much younger and stronger man working hard core construction. Besides not solving anything, adults fighting can seriously injure or even kill one another. Whether intentionally or not.

Just then he smiles, and points behind me. What was he pointing at? Just as I turned around I saw the woman fling her cocktail into my wife's face, and take her to the ground. Thinking wtf is this, I turned to help, took 1 or 2 steps, and that was when I suddenly realised I was on the ground too, face down in the grass, and hard. In retrospect of course, he knew what I was going to do when he pointed, and jumped me as soon as I turned my back.

That was certainly where instinct kicked in, because once I smashed into the ground with him on top, all I remember is a very brief, violent struggle. A big blur. The next thing I knew I had him on his back, and was kneeling square on his chest, with both knees. Somehow I suddenly had him dead to rights...And I was strangling him...

Yep, I have strong hands, and they were both wrapped firmly around his neck, thumbs around the adams apple. He was helpless, beginning to fade out, and that was how/where I found myself when the first conscious thought reappeared in my mind since the initial takedown. "It" quickly assessed the situation, and only one thought filled in: "Are you going to do it?"

I thought about it for a couple of seconds, and then let go.

How about you, have you been "there"?

Cheers,
Fred

[pugwash84]

I was once backed up against the wall with my ex strangling me and I thought I was going to die. I grabbed the nearest thing to me, which happened to be my guitar. I repeatedly hit him with it across the head and face and even when he was down I still kept hitting him. I could have beat him to death but I chose not to. I broke my guitar, it had a huge crack in it. :-S

[Mark (Star Mariner)]

The capability to do harm, it is in us all Fred. There is an endless struggle in Man, a maelstrom of competing forces. When it comes to violence the higher-self vies against the base lower-self, and the measure of who we are, what we have learned, and what skill we possess in tempering the emotional body, determines which of the two selves wins out.

I, like you, will confess to cowardice on many an occasion. Although cowardice might not be the proper term. Objection is better. I object to violence, and if ever it draws near I will search for an exit solution that will get me out of any 'unpleasant confrontation'.

However, when you are called to defend yourself, it’s different isn’t it…

I was once faced with a home invasion many years ago now - in broad daylight. I was sleeping, because I had been working nights and that was my down time. I was alone in the house, and awoke to a crashing sound - the frontdoor being forced. It was a very frightening situation, for I was faced, like you, with the very real possibility of a violent confrontation. I heard the intruder downstairs passing from room to room, scoping the place out. I panicked! What the hell to do? Instinctively I reached for a Cricket bat I have hidden in a wardrobe. A big chunk of wood. I presented myself at the top of the stairs - still in my boxer shorts, fresh out of bed - holding the Cricket bat, waiting for him to reach the stairs, look up, and see that yes, the house was not empty!

And he came, oh yes, he took a good look. Whether he didn't have the heart for a fight, or some other higher force intervened on my behalf, I'll never know. But he turned and ran, out of the house and down the road, never looking back! I was very relieved at that outcome. I hate to imagine what might have otherwise happened had he chosen to take me on. Would I have taken a swing, broken his skull or something? Would he have produced a knife...?? I don’t wish to ask these questions. I was very lucky. Shaken up, but thank God it turned out ok.

[Star Tsar]

I could have harmed a guy whom intentionaly disrupted my family unit I gave it long & hard thought/meditation and came to the realisation of the oldest song in the book!
IT TAKES TO TO TANGO...
I'm sooooooooooooo glad that I did'nt because if I did I would have possibly harmed my smaller family unit now ten katrillion fold...
@ that point i became AWARE that I had FINALLY grown up.

[WhiteFeather]

Interesting Fred and thanks for sharing this with us. ButI have a question..... if i may. Did this experience change the way you may possibly face possible altercations/confrontations in the future. A learning curve perhaps. It did for me when i furiously punched my 21 year old daughter in the mouth and nearly knocking out her 2 front teeth after she taunted me for several hrs.. This is why i asked. Learning to control/cope with anger. And I think im learning it. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth.

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=kuq7RYQ8Wa0

[another bob]

Fred, Thanks so much for baptising this thread with such a pertinent topic! I trust there will be plenty of opportunity for members to join in with issues they'd like to inspect, share, or recollect, maybe uncomfortable elements that have been kept on the back-burner of the mind, emotional knots that need the availability of some light to open and relax, light we can share and shine for each other.

In terms of conflict, I was a Conscientious Objector during the Viet Nam War, making my case of pacifism with the Draft Board, and so doing Alternate Service at a residential treatment center for troubled pre-teens (which seemed like a better idea than shooting folks in some jungle with whom I had no beef, at the behest of a Corporotcracy that I despised).

Over the years my view has changed. Although fortunately never having been put in that position yet, if my loved ones were threatened, and there was no other recourse, I have no problem with defending them with any means at my disposal, even to the point of taking a life, if necessary. For one thing, I know from direct experience that there is no death, and that the victim would simply be removed to their next stop on the tour. Furthermore, by entering this 3-D game, we came equiped with a certain survival mechanism that was put there for good reason. This is a war planet, make no mistake about it, and we cannot pretend that our light is sufficient to turn human predators into some gospel choir. Consequently, imo, we need to draw on the darkness within ourselves, realize it has a certain function too, in balance to the light, and unify both in our behavior and relationship to the world.

Anyway, Thanks so much for getting the ball rolling, Fred!

Blessings!

[Lettherebelight]

It's all well and good for us to talk about our near-brushes with violence and death, but what about those here who may have actually killed someone...either accidentally or on purpose? This is the reality of the world we are living in. My heart goes out to those who live with that pain.

The dark night of the soul isn't caused by righteous anger, but sometimes just by a moment of foolishness, or a series of wrong choices...

Are we talking about the dark night of the soul here? or am I off topic...or maybe just gone to far with it?!

[Mike]

i was in a bar with some friends. there was a scruffy red-faced man a few stools down by himself. curly, whimsical hair. i remember he was wearing brown courderoy pants. unprovoked, he would occasionally interject a word or two into our conversation. this must have happened 5 or 6 times in the span of 2 hrs. we'd react by nodding politely and resuming our conversation. his presence was unsettling and no one was excited about engaging him.

eventually he made his way down, standing right next to me, completely disregarding my personal space. he began to speak of his service in the army, his time in Iraq. he was bragging about what he'd done, how many people he'd killed, how he'd killed them etc...i let him go on like that for 10mins or so, hoping he'd burn out and take off. it felt like an eternity. when i realized he'd go on like that forever if indulged, i went ahead and told him how i felt. this was a particularly bad period of time for me for a number of reasons, and after 10 mins of his bragging and rancid breath i had hit my threshold. i told him he was full of sh$t, told him he hadn't killed anyone and if he was going to speak please say something resembling reality otherwise shut the f#ck up. this was my true feeling about things -- that this guy was a harmless blow-hard desperate for attention. after a few choice words he left.

i was sitting at the bar about a half hr later. i heard the door open behind me. felt the gust of wind as it shut. watched as those around me scattered for the exits. i knew something bad was about to happen, and figured the guy had returned with a gun or a baseball bat. i didn't move for some reason. it was too late for that, i decided; and oddly, didn't even turn around to acknowledge what was inspiring the commotion.

i felt the gun on my neck, cold and hard. at least i thought it was a gun. this was confirmed when he brought it around and placed it right on my belly. after a brief, blinding moment of fear i was almost totally calm. but i was very, very aware - there was a hyper awareness. "not so tough now buddy huh? don't think i killed anyone, eh?" the guy was glassy-eyed and shaking. emotional. to my shock, i calmly explained to him his options - kill me and go to jail for life, or walk out of there a free man. but it didn't feel like i was doing it - i experienced this almost as a spectator. there was a profound sense of emotional detatchment, and i honestly can say that i didn't really care what happened. i even stupidly told the guy that! "i don't care what happens buddy. do what you have to do." and then we just looked at each other for what felt like a millenium. time seemed to stop. then his lower lip began to tremble, and he slowly commenced sobbing. with shoulders slumped, he turned around and walked out of the bar.

[another bob]

Posted by Lettherebelight (here)
Are we talking about the dark night of the soul here? or am I off topic...or maybe just gone to far with it?!

My sense is that there is no "off-topic" for this thread, including dark nights, maybe especially dark nights . . .

[Fred Steeves]

Posted by Lettherebelight (here)
It's all well and good for us to talk about our near-brushes with violence and death, but what about those here who may have actually killed someone...either accidentally or on purpose? This is the reality of the world we are living in. My heart goes out to those who live with that pain.

The dark night of the soul isn't caused by righteous anger, but sometimes just by a moment of foolishness, or a series of wrong choices...

Are we talking about the dark night of the soul here? or am I off topic...or maybe just gone to far with it?!

Hi Lettherebelight, I'm glad you brought that up. The goal of this conversation is meant to be full throttle, wide open. I was concerned maybe I had gone too far in the OP. We are talking about anything, and everything my friend.

[another bob]

Posted by Chinaski (here)
i experienced this almost as a spectator. there was a profound sense of emotional detatchment, and i honestly can say that i didn't really care what happened. i even stupidly told the guy that! "i don't care what happens buddy. do what you have to do." and then we just looked at each other for what felt like a millenium. time seemed to stop. then his lower lip began to tremble, and he slowly commenced sobbing. with shoulders slumped, he turned around and walked out of the bar.

Great story, Mike! Yes, at moments like these -- life and death crises -- it seems something we don't normally access can kick in, something that is indeed timeless, fearless, and knows precisely how to respond, prior to the conceptual mind. When that energy comes forth, it is indeed invincible, because it transcends any personal stake, hence it is liberating both for you, and the perp.

[Chester]

Have you ever had the experience where you were struck by another? Where you did not throw the first punch? But that in your moment of honesty after the fact, you see clearly you caused it with the words you spoke? That has been my forte. It is perhaps no less evil than the one who strikes the first physical blow... indeed perhaps more so.

[Mike]

and btw, Fred, this is a great idea for a thread buddy! i'm much more interested in people and their experiences than i am abstact concepts regarding 2012 or Niburu. threads like these are a richer and fuller experience. and much more spiritually fulfilling, if ya ask me. much more is learnt this way (imho anyway) than by reading some ponderous Eckert Tolle book. good on yer Mr Steeves

[enfoldedblue]

Personally I am aware that at a deep level I am capable of anything. I know I have done some really horrific things to others in other lives, as well as have had them done to me. But on the surface level I couldn't even kill a mouse (well actually as a child I killed some pet mice through neglect ).

I like the title blank canvas because I believe that art is the best space to explore and come to terms with the darker aspects of ourselves. In art anything can happen...but no one actually suffers. For me art reminds me why we have darkness at all...imagine how boring it would be if all novels were fluffy and happy right through, or if every painting was made up of only shallow pastel colors...yawn! I like to look at my life as an artwork because it makes me appreciate all I have been through...the 'good' and the 'bad' because of how it all makes my story richer and deeper.

[Fred Steeves]

Posted by Chinaski (here)
and btw, Fred, this is a great idea for a thread buddy! i'm much more interested in people and their experiences than i am abstact concepts regarding 2012 or Niburu. threads like these are a richer and fuller experience. and much more spiritually fulfilling, if ya ask me. much more is learnt this way (imho anyway) then by reading some ponderous Eckert Tolle book. good on yer Mr Steeves

Thank you Mike, but I can take credit for composing the OP only, not the idea itself. That was the result of much brainstorming between me, and a few friends combined. It was actually a lot of fun, and it is an exciting idea.

That was quite an experience you had in the bar, the best term I've heard it called to date is being in "the zone".

[another bob]

Posted by justoneman (here)
Have you ever had the experience where you were struck by another? Where you did not throw the first punch? But that in your moment of honesty after the fact, you see clearly you caused it with the words you spoke?

I was once working in a retail Natural Foods store, back in the 70's, and as the Store Manager, I occasionally had to confront grizzly customers. One such fellow was standing in front of a bulk nut bin, stuffing his face with handful after handful of expensive nuts. He was a raggamuffin, extremely unkempt with long dreadlocks and an odor that reeked of booze & dope.

At any rate, I approached the guy and told him he had to leave the store. I probably could have been more diplomatic, in retrospect, but retrospect ain't worth much at the time. The fellow stood to his full height of approximately 6'8", drew a long knife from his belt, and glowered down at me, "I'm going to F**K you up right now!"

Uncomfortable with that prospect, and doing a quick assessmernt of my actual condition, I replied, "Maybe you can try, but I don't believe you could F**K me up any more than I already am!"

This seemed to crack the guy up, and so he just said, "Peace, Brother!" and sauntered out of the store.

[Mike]

Bob, of all the responses in the world i reckon that's probably the only one that would have done the trick

[another bob]

Posted by Chinaski (here)
Bob, of all the responses in the world i reckon that's probably the only one that would have done the trick

That's what I mean about something else kicking in (sometimes called "No-mind"), a more primal instinct that knows just what's appropos for the immediate situation, because I could never have thought that reply up myself, I probably would have tried some useless line of reasoning and ended up getting myself perforated.

[Mike]

Posted by another bob (here)

Posted by Chinaski (here)
Bob, of all the responses in the world i reckon that's probably the only one that would have done the trick

That's what I mean about something else kicking in (sometimes called "No-mind"), a more primal instinct that knows just what's appropos for the immediate situation, because I could never have thought that reply up myself, I probably would have tried some useless line of reasoning and ended up getting myself perforated.

indeed sir.

mods, have we done away with the hat-tipping gentleman? (emoticon) say it ain't so!

[ThePythonicCow]

Posted by Chinaski (here)
mods, have we done away with the hat-tipping gentleman? (emoticon) say it ain't so!

He's alive and well

His name is :yo: