Blank Canvas

[Chester]

I left my last post with one thing unsaid... just after "was my greatest regret."

what I left out (and was hoping was clear though unsaid)... that I failed has also become my greatest relief. Love to All - Chester

[another bob]

Posted by justoneman (here)
It has always been my dream to write my autobiography (the narcissist is showing here). The title would be called "The Failure." The reason is that based on my speculations, I failed to follow in my Father's footsteps. I failed my audition to receive a part in the "real" game. It is my greatest regret.

From another perspective, failure is one of the greatest gifts we can receive, since it opens us to humility, and humility is the foundation of all other virtues. Of course, the way failure is typically processed by ego-mind is as an experience of "loss of face". If we delve a bit deeper into what that means -- to lose face -- it implies that the facade that we have been toting around -- the image of who we would like the world to believe we are -- is ripped off, leaving us naked. That nakedness, however, is filled with opportunity, because now the more authentic being has a chance to emerge. Before, there was little chance, since we had the role down pat, and were immersed in the charade, projecting a "face" to the world that more often than not disguised our true nature. Now, with the Grace of failure, we can learn something. We are available, which is the key to awakening.

Edit to add: Ah, I just saw your addition, above -- looks like we're on the same page

[HURRITT ENYETO]

Hey Guys, awesome thread!

I will relate a story off the top of my head. I hope its ok.
Unfortunately, it isn't a 'feel good' story.

This is from my adolescence.
I had two friends, brothers, Carl and Damien (whom we all called Damo.) These two brothers couldn't have been much different, LOL, Carl was small and slim and Damo was a huge round mountain
Anyhow, we were always arranging one party or another, this particular party was actually to be at their house. Damo was always up for a party, and looking back, I suspect, had a drink problem.

Anyhow, the party rolled arround and we were all at Damo's house getting very drunk, as per usual Damien had drunk far too much far too early, and he was falling arround. Someone suggested Damo go and lie down in one of the bedrooms, and he did, it was a normal occurrence, nothing out of he ordinary. We asked him if he was ok and he assured us he was fine.

As the night went on, somebody suggested we go and check on him, so a few of us did. In the room there was Damo, laying face down on the bed, with his shirt off. His younger brother, thought it would be funny to write something on his back, one of the girls produced a lipstick, and he proceeded to write 'You Fat B*****d' on his back, we all had a good laugh, we tried to rouse him, and he just moaned, so we thought he was ok, and we left him to sleep it off.

The party went on into the early hours, and everybody had left, apart from about 8 of us that just crashed out there. The next thing i remember was hearing a girl scream, I woke up, and realised it was about 8am the next day, then there was another scream, we rushed into the room where the scream had come from, and there was Damo, laying face down, unmoved, dead on the bed. Everybody was in shock, and his brother just kept shaking him and shaking him, wake up Damien, wake up. But he didn't. We called an ambulance and the police arrived with the ambulance. As if this wasn't bad enough, the police took one look at his body, laying there, shirtless, with big red letters on his back 'You Fat B*****d' and said, "don't move him, nobody's going anywhere, this is being treated as a suspected murder"

I wont bore you with what transpired after that, but it took days of convincing, that it was just a prank, and nothing malicious. The whole thing went on for months, destroyed his family, and drove his little brother to drugs. Months later, we got the results of the inquest. Death by misadventure. Apparently, not only did he have extremely high levels of alcohol in his blood, but they also found he had a cocktail of drugs. Nobody knew he had taken anything, we were actually keeping an eye on him at that time, because he was overdoing it all the time. Anyhow, that's where the story ends. His brother will live with it forever, as will I.



Hurritt

[Arrowwind]

How one reacts to abuse indicates their accompolishments in spiritual evolution.
I think that many here on this forum are doing just great. Remember, that all these challenges reflect our spiritual understanding of the world.

I had always considered myself a nonviolent person to the extent that if I had to make the choice of my life or anothers, mine was expendible. Much of this is based in my solid experices that showed me that reincarnation is true. If not here, there is a place and time somewhere else.

All this nonviolent attidutde changed when I gave birth to children. From the second of their first breath I knew I could kill and would kill if needed, to protect them, as well as to protect myself, being that I am their protector. I realized that life is so precious and so difficult to attain upon their births. I would protect it against all that would threaten it. I understood that in the long run, in the evolution of the soul, that violence, within our current society is the tool that we have to sustain ourselves when faced with certain given types of realities.
I lived in a neighborhood where violence is not uncommon. We had ducked the windows and hit the floor more than once to escape flying bullets from the gang events outside our house. Clearly I would certainly kill to protect our innocense.

I never did have the experience of doing so. It was avoided and eventually we moved away from that dark place... but to this day I know I am fully capable.

Through living there I came to understand just how easy it is to control people through fear for I knew fear on a first name basis... then there are unrealistic fears that are projected by the state and that have no immediate implications... such as the war on drugs, the war on terror etc. But they elicit our core understandings of the value of our life and our desire to survive and live free even while based in fears created by delusion and lies. We all know what a real threat is and its impact on our safety and our sanity. Its an evolutionary process to discern what is a true threat and what is imagined or construed or lied about... actually much of the work we try to sort out on this forum revolves around discerning that what fears we do have are based in reality, not on propaganda. In facing true danger i was prepared to do what I must... facing governmental and institutional and corporate lies I am also prepared to do what I must... mostly that is taking a deep breath and understanding that most of what is thrown our way is based in lies.. and not real but fed to us to feed and nourish the greater monster that most of us in this world can't or refuse to see (NWO and the elites and the poverty and wars they create)... and when I look at that I get really really scared yet can find no tangible assailant to strike at, at least here in the USA. My only recourse it to not feed that monster with my money and that is quite hard to do and all in all is not very soul satisfying.

just my ramblings for the day

[Mitzvah]

Diagnosed at nine with Juvenile Rhuematoid Arthritis, I was subject to treatments that were rather crude, and often painful. Three times a week I had to walk up the street a block to the County Hospital to sit in whirlpool baths, have heated parrafin layered on my hands like gloves, endure strange smelling ointments rubbed on my joints that was so strong I could actually taste it as soon as they put it on me - and it tasted like rotten fish, seriously. I recall sitting hunched over in the whirlpool bath, a huge stainless steel affair, hating every moment of being there, horrified at seeing the bits and pieces of previous patients' (burn patients I think) skin circling around and around me. The stainless steel vat that they used to heat the parrafin wax often malfunctioned, overheating the wax that I would be dipping my hands in over and over to build up a hot wax glove, so to speak. I often left the treatments with first degree burns on my hands and forearms. The physical therapy included being manipulated in all directions in order that my joints wouldn't become 'frozen' into place and unusable. Preceeding the therapists doing this, I was wrapped-up in heated pad-like devices, dozens of them all over my body, and they were frequently over-heated, burning my skin. It was outrageously painful, but all so very necessary, or so I was told. The strange thing was, the conflict came in for me because I really liked the people who were my physical therapists, but I hated and feared the pain that I knew I would have to endure at their hands. The walk from my house to the hospital up the street was like walking a slow frightening 'death march' to a dungeon of torture. I had to go alone because both of my parents worked. I was torn by this conflict at nine years old. These people were some of the few people who actually understood what I was living through, and they were thus my comrades, my friends, and yet they were also the ones from whom I received some of the worst pain, and the greatest fears and trepidations. This was the time when I began having regular nightmares of being tortured and chased by strangers, nightmares that plagued me for almost my entire life. PTSD, of a kind is what I find it to be.

[NancyV]

We likely never need to fight but we must enjoy the violence experience or why would so many of us humans experience violence? If we accept that we are Source and as Source we come into the Creation for experiences of separateness and duality, we play all roles in the duality. We are all things, evil, violent, good and peaceful. We cannot all be peaceful and loving at the same time as long as we are in duality. Duality is made up of opposites and everything in between.

Even in our small group here on Avalon most or all of us have experienced some kind of violence in our lives, if not physical then certainly mental and emotional. Thinking that violence and evil are “bad” tends to invalidate the perfection of the Creation. But, but, but how can evil and violence be PERFECT? There doesn’t have to be a reason that will be understandable to us on a human intellectual level for this Creation to be known and accepted as perfect.

All those who have merged with the Source KNOW that all that IS, is perfect. It is all a part of the energy ocean of Unconditional Love we are swimming around in. Many of those who have merged with Source have come back to tell us that we live in a state of perfection, that there is no good and evil, there is no judgment and we are all ONE. We are all loved and accepted and the experiences we go through in each “life” are perfect for us at the time we live them. They are created for our highest benefit and most fun.

It’s difficult to believe that all our pain and suffering could be fun. It sure as hell doesn’t FEEL like fun to see people hurt, killed, enslaved, starving and living in ignorance. It will never be fun for us while we are living it but we can learn to be more detached and accepting of our life’s circumstances and less judgmental of those we view as evil. That is not to say that we won’t resist, fight or kill evil, but we can still accept it as perfect while we are fighting it. We do not normally have the perspective to see how absolutely perfect and humorous is the entire physical dimension and all its games.

Even though I have merged with Source and have experienced the perfection of the Creation I still maintain most of my human perspectives while in a human body. I still get to enjoy being pissed off when I see injustice (from my personal perspective), I get to feel pain about the humans who are suffering, I get to engage in the game in any way I feel moved to engage. As Nancy I have enjoyed my life to the fullest. As Hitler I suffered mental agony and learned hate and evil. We are all One is not just a saying… it is a reality. There can be only One and there is only One. That ONE has as many different perspectives as there are beings who think they are separated from Source/God. All lives are lived by Source so we are all Source.

It is necessary for us to feel separate in order to experience the Creation. If we are no longer separate we are fully conscious of being Source. Even if I know this on an intellectual level and on every dimension up to Source, I cannot FEEL it completely until I am fully merged with Source. We can have blissful experiences while in body or in our light body. We can gain more and more Unconditional Love as we raise our vibrational frequency or expand our awareness, but each successively higher vibrational frequency vehicle we inhabit can only hold a certain amount of the Unconditional Love frequency.

When my husband used to tell me his horrific stories of all the people he has killed in wars and counter terrorism missions I was able to listen to him and give him acceptance, understanding and love. He came here to be a warrior. For me to judge his purpose, his life, would be to be ignorant of the entire plan of this Creation. It’s all about Unconditional Love. There is absolutely nothing, no spirit, no demon, no mass murderer, ET, dictator, PTB, NO ONE who is not part of the Unconditional Love that is Source/God.

As we share stories of scary or violent situations in our lives we can see that all of us experience duality; the good, the bad, and the ugly. The sooner we can let go of judging ourselves and others too harshly, the easier it is to accept abuse and violence as a perfect learning vehicle for our progress as souls yearning to rejoin with the Source that we are temporarily unaware we all ARE.

[another bob]

Posted by NancyV (here)
As we share stories of scary or violent situations in our lives we can see that all of us experience duality; the good, the bad, and the ugly. The sooner we can let go of judging ourselves and others too harshly, the easier it is to accept abuse and violence as a perfect learning vehicle for our progress as souls yearning to rejoin with the Source that we are temporarily unaware we all ARE.

Just so beautifully said, Sister -- real wisdom, and valuable pointers to the Truth!

Thanks so much for laying all out so eloquently!

Blessings!

[another bob]

Posted by Mitzvah (here)
This was the time when I began having regular nightmares of being tortured and chased by strangers, nightmares that plagued me for almost my entire life. PTSD, of a kind is what I find it to be.

Thanks so much for this peek into your formative experience of the paradox -- that the ones who were most intimate with your pain wetre also the ones applying it. Such programming early on will color and condition, as you say, how one experiences painful situations, assaults, and even conflicts in the familial sphere. It seems this is the risk consciousness takes in assuming these human forms, in its efforts to become fully self-aware, and to embody that self-awareness in the field of space-time. The problem arise when it fixates on a particular meme of identity, and so interprets all further perceived experience through the skewed lens of that fixation. This is where the wound lives on and on, and can only be healed through the direct recognition tht we are not that character we have taken ourselves to be. For that to happen, a breakthrough is necessary at the very core of one's being, the direct feeling experience of Source, as Nancy pointed to above. From there, our perspective is turned around, and our angle of vision is broadened immeasurably, and traumas begin to at least make sense, within the graceful light of one's prior recognition.

[Chester]

Posted by Arrowwind (here)
We all know what a real threat is and its impact on our safety and our sanity. Its an evolutionary process to discern what is a true threat and what is imagined or construed or lied about... actually much of the work we try to sort out on this forum revolves around discerning that what fears we do have are based in reality, not on propaganda.

I am not so sure I could support the above statement personally. First, I think it depends on perspective. As a Spirit Being, when I find myself in the complete state of retracted ego, I feel no threat exists. Yet I also had experiences where, when looked back upon, appear such that it was clear my (or someone's) physical body was threatened. I would be able to recall "reacting" but there was no thought involved.

It was only after an event such as the experience of a physical threat, that my mind went into an exercise where I assessed the "danger." It was through this exercise my ego was able to (once again) take charge and create ideas I would buy into related to what may or may not be a "true threat."

I hate quoting form other sources but to make a point I must - "Nothing real can be threatened" and "Nothing unreal exists." (ACIM) - I found those two statements to be true for me.

Anyways... not hoping to start trouble in this awesome thread but, well... if I can't be a hitman with a gun, perhaps I became one with a keyboard?

Love to ALL - Chester

[RunningDeer]

I was in a park doing Tai Chi. It was by a river away from others. People came to watch. It was a good chance to demonstrate this beautiful martial art and its diversity of fast and slow, gentle and powerful.

Shortly after, a car pulled up. Three guys staggered over. I continued and the leader stepped through the crowd. As if on cue his friends followed, but they were not together. Each found a spots that created a scalene triangle into the circle of Tai Chi.

I weighed the pros and cons. Pros: already warmed up and loose from my work out, a crowd full of eye witnesses, sober and pumped, one leader and two followers. Cons: pumped up, three against one, high from beer was my guess.

Several thoughts: if I walked away, I’d never know if I can protect myself. It’s common knowledge that competition wins are different from street fight ones. Rules vs. no rules. And, if I am here to share what Tai Chi is, then what does that say to myself? and to others? While I gave weight to my options, my body changed up the slow, continuous movements to fast and hard. I added a high kick to create the illusion of taller than the 5’8” stature. Then ended with a hard, quick, low punch for good measure. (My doctor tells me I’m not 5’8” any more, but my license still does.)

It was when the leader took one more step and his friend followed, I decided to take on the leader. Mess with the followers’ minds, it’d buy me some time. I gestured leader forward. He shook his head. With a second decline, I demonstrated a 180 degree spin kick to guy #2. (boy I wish I could do those now). Still standing on one leg, I invited him to choose, throat or groin. He shook his head. I gave him one more choice, while holding to the one leg stance. He stepped back. Onto buddy #3, with full on eye contact and awareness of an aura body that reached all the way over to him, he shrugged and stepped back.

Meanwhile, the crowd cheered and clapped. I’m embarrassed to say, it juiced me. It was bravado that quickly turned into vanity and pride. Which don’t make for good tools. I also knew it could back fire and cause them to save face. And kick my butt.

Thankfully, my philosophy tapped me on the shoulder, “The Strong walk away for there’s no need to prove a thing.” I bowed in thanks to All, and quickly walked to my car. Only the three followed. One knocked at the window, motioning me to roll it down when the door failed. The other two stood so I couldn’t back up. I figured there were enough witnesses around. With the car in reverse, no convincing was needed.

All the way home I re-ran the whole movie. I was pumped and addicted to the juice. Forty-five minutes later, I stepped out of my car with rubbery legs and my body began to shake. I learned several things. First, if push comes to shove, I pity the person that wants to have at it. Second, I respect the fear, if and when it arises. But I also know it’s not the driver of this vehicle. Lastly, when one’s energy is raised, it goes out for all to read whether they are aware of it or not. It says, “Don’t mess.” Which also demonstrates my philosophy, “The Strong walk away for there’s no need to prove a thing.”

Peace,
WhiteCrowBlackDeer

[Arrowwind]

Posted by justoneman (here)
Anyways... not hoping to start trouble in this awesome thread but, well... if I can't be a hitman with a gun, perhaps I became one with a keyboard?

Love to ALL - Chester

Somehow it feels like you just took a paintbrush and smeared MY canvas. Oh well. All in a day on Avelon.
Love to All - Arrow

[another bob]

Posted by Arrowwind (here)

Posted by justoneman (here)
Anyways... not hoping to start trouble in this awesome thread but, well... if I can't be a hitman with a gun, perhaps I became one with a keyboard?

Love to ALL - Chester

Somehow it feels like you just took a paintbrush and smeared MY canvas. Oh well. All in a day on Avelon.
Love to All - Arrow

Sometimes it's like we are all just feeling our way in the dark, and occasionally we inadvertantly step on each others' toes. Part of finding our way communally to the light, it seems.

Blessings!

[Chester]

Posted by Arrowwind (here)

Posted by justoneman (here)
Anyways... not hoping to start trouble in this awesome thread but, well... if I can't be a hitman with a gun, perhaps I became one with a keyboard?

Love to ALL - Chester

Somehow it feels like you just took a paintbrush and smeared MY canvas. Oh well. All in a day on Avelon.
Love to All - Arrow

I honestly give you permission to smear or revise or convert or alter or append anything I write in this thread. Would take no offense. Go for it! In fact, think of the others who might read our dialogue and grow (or remember)... there's one thing about a safe place, there is another about a place of challenge. Would you say our world is safe as it is right now or is it challenging? Does a Spirit Being have anything to lose jumping into the fray? Taking a risk? Let's go for it. Love Ya Arrowwind. Chester

[another bob]

Posted by WhiteCrowBlackDeer (here)
I learned several things. First, if push comes to shove, I pity the person that wants to have at it. Second, I respect the fear, if and when it arises. But I also know it’s not the driver of this vehicle. Lastly, when one’s energy is raised, it goes out for all to read whether they are aware of it or not. It says, “Don’t mess.” Which also demonstrates my philosophy, “The Strong walk away for there’s no need to prove a thing.”

Peace,
WhiteCrowBlackDeer

Thanks Paula, really clear insights you came to!

Blessings!

[Fred Steeves]

Posted by justoneman (here)

Posted by Arrowwind (here)

Posted by justoneman (here)
Anyways... not hoping to start trouble in this awesome thread but, well... if I can't be a hitman with a gun, perhaps I became one with a keyboard?

Love to ALL - Chester

Somehow it feels like you just took a paintbrush and smeared MY canvas. Oh well. All in a day on Avelon.
Love to All - Arrow

I honestly give you permission to smear or revise or convert or alter or append anything I write in this thread. Would take no offense. Go for it! In fact, think of the others who might read our dialogue and grow (or remember)

I see nothing positive what so ever in where you are going with this Chester.

[Chester]

Posted by Fred Steeves (here)

Posted by justoneman (here)

Posted by Arrowwind (here)

Posted by justoneman (here)
Anyways... not hoping to start trouble in this awesome thread but, well... if I can't be a hitman with a gun, perhaps I became one with a keyboard?

Love to ALL - Chester

Somehow it feels like you just took a paintbrush and smeared MY canvas. Oh well. All in a day on Avelon.
Love to All - Arrow

I honestly give you permission to smear or revise or convert or alter or append anything I write in this thread. Would take no offense. Go for it! In fact, think of the others who might read our dialogue and grow (or remember)

I see nothing positive what so ever in where you are going with this Chester.

understood

[Fred Steeves]

Posted by pugwash84 (here)
I was once backed up against the wall with my ex strangling me and I thought I was going to die. I grabbed the nearest thing to me, which happened to be my guitar. I repeatedly hit him with it across the head and face and even when he was down I still kept hitting him. I could have beat him to death but I chose not to. I broke my guitar, it had a huge crack in it. :-S

So what would be a reason for not stopping pugwash, as you and I did in that last moment of truth? For me I think it would be along the lines of Nancy's excerpt from her husband's early experience in Vietnam, which earned him the name Blackheart.

If I ever came home one day, found my wife raped and brutally murdered, and also found evidence left behind as to who did it, game on. In all calmness I would put my .45 in my waistband, go to the person's house, walk right in, put the gun to their head, and pull the trigger. Then I would lay the gun down, call 911 explaining briefly what had happened, go out to the driveway, sit down, and wait.

Whatever, if any penalty that would have to be paid later on down the road, this life or next, so be it. I'll take the hit, and face what comes. It would not be a temporary moment of insanity as a lawyer would argue, it would be a straight forward, thought out killing of a fellow human being. I would even wish the person well in their future endeavors, but their current endeavors would have already come to a screeching halt this go around..

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's good to know approximately where we stand with ourselves in these regards. Know Thyself.

Cheers,
Fred

[Mitzvah]

“It’s … recognizing that the whole issue of a self, personal or absolute, is a fantasy. Both the self and the Self are interpretations upon perception, and nothing more. And when the interpretation ends, thought ends. When all identity collapses, you abide in the unknown. There is no tendency left to fixate identity anywhere – even in a universal somewhere. So you are left resting in the mystery as the mystery. It is only then that you can be truly and absolutely free of all concerns.”

~ Adya


At nineteen I killed myself with an overdose of a drug, an anti-depressant called “Sinequan.” It had been prescribed for severe depression and suicidal tendencies, (prior cuttings and self-poisonings) .

I was staying in a seedy Sacramento motel, broke and ill and ready to give up. Having bought the apple juice, the kind that comes in a little apple-shaped bottle, and having acquired the pills, along with the sadness to end it all, I swallowed them, 100 – All.

One of the staff, a maid, came around to clean the room, saw the “Do Not Disturb” sign, heard sounds that were not right to her, so she entered the room with her master key. She found me and found me barely responsive and obviously in dire straits. An ambulance was called. I was hauled to the hospital and not in the nick of time, either.

I died.

On the ride to the hospital I recall that my body suffered the most agonizing indescribable contractions and spasms that a human could possibly fathom or endure. The body was obviously reacting adversely to the poisoning. Upon reaching the hospital, I lost consciousness entirely and awakened in the ICU. It was three days later.

I recalled immediately the experience of “dying” and what had “happened” while dead. There was the dark tunnel, accompanied with an incredible sense of speed, of traveling upward, outward, directions unknown, everywhere, somewhere ... all experienced as something indescribable in terms known to our human senses. A light world, endless, was “entered” into, and it seemed to be what I was always immersed in while this was happening. No me in form, no name even, just an I-ness, just my self that heard a “Voice” speaking to my “me-ness” of “hearing and listening.” Mind to mind. There was no conversation in the conventional sense.

The Voice said it was not my time, and said it amidst a Love energy, a compelling complete inconceivable Love that is totally unavailable for comparison to anything prior, or since. I was told that I had much more work to do in this lifetime, and that I would meet someone who would guide me and help me throughout my life. That came to pass within weeks of my return from death.

[another bob]

Posted by Mitzvah (here)
The Voice said it was not my time, and said it amidst a Love energy, a compelling complete inconceivable Love that is totally unavailable for comparison to anything prior, or since.

Certainly puts this human life in perspective, doesn't it?

Thank you so much for sharing your death and re-birth!

[PurpleLama]

I want to say thanks, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to all my friends and acquaintances who have participated in this thread thus far. I will find the time and energy to contribute soon, myself.