Here and Now...What's Happening?

[ulli]

Posted by Kraut (here)
Had an argument with my Mother today. It's sad when those closest to you can't appreciate who you really are and are striving to become because their minds are controlled. She thinks I am leaving and betraying (typing that name makes me sick), because I no longer believe in the nonsense that I have been taught. There is no logic, no reasoning, no wisdom that can get through to her, she doesn't even understand why she believes what she does. So I can't help her understand why I no longer do why it's lies and manipulation. These people have been so thoroughly brainwashed that they equate leaving this abusive religion with leaving behind God. She is afraid and hurt, thinking I have thrown all my former years away. Most likely she will die as a blind slave for an Organization that abuses its members spiritually and emotionally. Even if you leave they still get you to a certain extent, by holding your friends and family hostage.

She will always be your mum, and will always love you.
Just tell her not to worry, that her God and her prayers will protect you,
but that your path is a higher one than hers.
Just give her a hug, she'll come around to your way of seeing things;
mums usually do...they are just a bit slow.

[RunningDeer]

Posted by eaglespirit (here)
All I know is there are alot of 'Jose's' in my life lately in front of me...
So I'm just gonna 'hose' it all down and clean it all up with a little help from my higher friends!!!

Eagle Man, more coming your way to join in with the rest.

[donk]

I am quickly pariahed (if I can make that a verb) due

Love this...as I really like to verb nouns (especially "verb")...there's a paradox in there somewhere.

Can you describe the dark streaks you mentioned (preceding chemtrails...I mean "cloud seeding")...I missed those. All I know is that I been noticing two layers of clouds for a while now, the white fluffy ones under the dark grey purplish sheets, that I can see the ends of--that's what's different. Where I'm from, you could never see the edge of an "overcast" if you catch my meaning, now the sky is never completely covered, it is like the big sky out west somehow. (this is where I'd post "Divided Sky", if Phish had not already worn out their village welcome)

On LKJ, I was into her for awhile, and kind of stayed away awhile ago, not ever thinking much of it. Funny she came up, as the first time in awhile I heard mention of her was by Weidner. Not to be all gossipy, but he is not a big fan, and has an interesting story on his site, which I will not link--if you wanna see it, google it up. He doesn't seem to me to be the type to crap on someone for no reason, as he kinda firmly establishes "sides" (never sits well with me), I have to take his (and therefore always take her with a grain of salt now). I thought it out of the ordinary for him to do that (single someone out and straight call them out), and the way he does in a way that would be libelous if untrue, so take it or leave it or whatever...

[Kraut]

Posted by ulli (here)
She will always be your mum, and will always love you.
Just tell her not to worry, that her God and her prayers will protect you,
but that your path is a higher one than hers.
Just give her a hug, she'll come around to your way of seeing things;
mums usually do...they are just a bit slow.

That's true and she does love me, but I can't stand seeing her lifeless eyes, knowing that she is hurting inside because of her conditioning. My life has gotten much better, but I can't share that with her. She can't understand when I tell her not to worry, there's only one path in her mind, just as she's been taught all her life, it's black and white, life or death. In her view I have abandoned the path of light and when Armageddon will come soon, I'll have to die. She believes that Demons have taken over my mind. Telling her that her God and her prayers will protect me won't work either, because I have abandoned her God. JWs have an extreme view of God and loyalty to the religion is everything, even questioning and being critical is bad. It's sad and funny at the same time.

About two months ago I had an interesting dream, it was around my lowest point in the past months. To most here a dream as mine must be rather insignificant, but that was a first to me. So far I had thought that dreams are just mental projections that are random, that they have no meaning. In my dream I spoke to some woman, that I did not know. I told her that I felt cut off from God and a bit lost, that it was painful for me and how I was searching. When I told her that she started singing, just a melody, not a song with lyrics. At that point (it's not so easy to describe) I felt as if God were with me and I with him. It was such a powerful and tremendous joy that I had to laugh, I wouldn't be surprised if I was actually laughing in my sleep. I have never felt such joy, it was overpowering. Unfortunately that's when I woke up. Anyway, it was really fascinating to me and I still think about it regularly. But even a dream as that is something I don't mention to my Mom because she'll look at me and think "oh boy, my Son is demonized...". You don't have to go to Arab countries to find fundamentalists. Hopefully any religion like that will not be tolerated by people anymore soon. There are many Witnesses who are starting to wake up.

[donk]

but that your path is a higher one than hers.

Is that really a good thing to be telling ANYONE?

Especially someone that fears you may be falling into satanic possession/Luciferianism (ie - putting HUMAN above GOD)?

[Carmody]

Posted by Kraut (here)

Posted by ulli (here)
She will always be your mum, and will always love you.
Just tell her not to worry, that her God and her prayers will protect you,
but that your path is a higher one than hers.
Just give her a hug, she'll come around to your way of seeing things;
mums usually do...they are just a bit slow.

That's true and she does love me, but I can't stand seeing her lifeless eyes, knowing that she is hurting inside because of her conditioning. My life has gotten much better, but I can't share that with her. She can't understand when I tell her not to worry, there's only one path in her mind, just as she's been taught all her life, it's black and white, life or death. In her view I have abandoned the path of light and when Armageddon will come soon, I'll have to die. She believes that Demons have taken over my mind. Telling her that her God and her prayers will protect me won't work either, because I have abandoned her God. JWs have an extreme view of God and loyalty to the religion is everything, even questioning and being critical is bad. It's sad and funny at the same time.

About two months ago I had an interesting dream, it was around my lowest point in the past months. To most here a dream as mine must be rather insignificant, but that was a first to me. So far I had thought that dreams are just mental projections that are random, that they have no meaning. In my dream I spoke to some woman, that I did not know. I told her that I felt cut off from God and a bit lost, that it was painful for me and how I was searching. When I told her that she started singing, just a melody, not a song with lyrics. At that point (it's not so easy to describe) I felt as if God were with me and I with him. It was such a powerful and tremendous joy that I had to laugh, I wouldn't be surprised if I was actually laughing in my sleep. I have never felt such joy, it was overpowering. Unfortunately that's when I woke up. Anyway, it was really fascinating to me and I still think about it regularly. But even a dream as that is something I don't mention to my Mom because she'll look at me and think "oh boy, my Son is demonized...". You don't have to go to Arab countries to find fundamentalists. Hopefully any religion like that will not be tolerated by people anymore soon. There are many Witnesses who are starting to wake up.

The trick is to understand that your mind's designs and wiring is derived from hers. (about half, at the least -a mix up, a mish-mash) Yours is an evolution and change..additions and subtractions in the basic wiring. If you understand a given thing, then there is chance that she will as well. Eventually. That it may be a good idea to try, at some time, to give her a chance to understand - when you and her are a bit more emotionally separated from the moment that is happening now.

[donk]

I mean, I feel like I know what you meant, though I might phrase (since we're talking about paths and all):

I am choosing not to take a path driven by fear

Or something to that effect?

Higher or better or more of anything...that subjective relative crap. Anything that can be seen as "judging" her (non) choices...while it may be true (to you), it's kinda hard for people to hear...especially when they are pretty much programmed not to think...

[ulli]

Posted by donk (here)

but that your path is a higher one than hers.

Is that really a good thing to be telling ANYONE?

Especially someone that fears you may be falling into satanic possession/Luciferianism (ie - putting HUMAN above GOD)?

Well, I see it this way...J
Jehovah's Witnesses are the most rigid people in any Christian sect,
so they can do with a sledge hammer approach.
Challenge them all the way, I say...don't give them any slack, ever.

P.S. Of course it wouldn't serve to say this with anger- it has to be heartfelt and loving. Showing one's conviction.

[Kraut]

Posted by Carmody (here)
The trick is to understand that your mind's designs and wiring is derived from hers. (about half, at the least -a mix up, a mish-mash) Yours is an evolution and change..additions and subtractions in the basic wiring. If you understand a given thing, then there is chance that she will as well. Eventually. That it may be a good idea to try, at some time, to give her a chance to understand - when you and her are a bit more emotionally separated from the moment that is happening now.

No idea why I brought it up today. Usually we don't talk about these things anymore, I tend to be an upfront person but my Mother likes keeping things inside, so I wanted to know if she's been able to accept it a bit better, we hadn't seen each other in months. Honestly, I think she won't understand. Her own Mother spent half of her life waiting for "the new system" and Paradise, she died four years ago, always living for her religion, seldom for herself, not seeing anything of what she had longed for. We are all free to believe what we want and worship in any way we want, I let my Mother do just that. But sometimes your folks let you know without words how they feel about you claiming your freedom.

Posted by donk (here)
I mean, I feel like I know what you meant, though I might phrase (since we're talking about paths and all):

I am choosing not to take a path driven by fear

Or something to that effect?

Higher or better or more of anything...that subjective relative crap. Anything that can be seen as "judging" her (non) choices...while it may be true (to you), it's kinda hard for people to hear...especially when they are pretty much programmed not to think...

What I told her is that I have no more fear, a better relationship with God, more peace etc. Perhaps she'll understand that some day, she doesn't see the mechanisms of fear in her beliefs. From personal experience I can say that you need to take a step back to really see how much fear is used to keep you in check, it blew me away when I noticed that. There's no turning back for me. Regardless of what others think.

[Kraut]

Posted by ulli (here)
Well, I see it this way...J
Jehovah's Witnesses are the most rigid people in any Christian sect,
so they can do with a sledge hammer approach.
Challenge them all the way, I say...don't give them any slack, ever.

P.S. Of course it wouldn't serve to say this with anger- it has to be heartfelt and loving. Showing one's conviction.

Tried the sledge hammer approach already. Didn't work. But you are right about not taking any slack. I think the best approach is to just let it be. I will continue to grow spiritually and that will show outwardly. Fortunately I have plenty of the stubbornness from my Father's side.

[Carmody]

Posted by Kraut (here)

Posted by ulli (here)
Well, I see it this way...J
Jehovah's Witnesses are the most rigid people in any Christian sect,
so they can do with a sledge hammer approach.
Challenge them all the way, I say...don't give them any slack, ever.

P.S. Of course it wouldn't serve to say this with anger- it has to be heartfelt and loving. Showing one's conviction.

Tried the sledge hammer approach already. Didn't work. But you are right about not taking any slack. I think the best approach is to just let it be. I will continue to grow spiritually and that will show outwardly. Fortunately I have plenty of the stubbornness from my Father's side.

one way, may be..is to..over time...let her understand that it is not a break with her, but internal evolution and change. A thing that has grown over time. Not a rejection, but an evolution, over time..in you. for she may be in the moment and space of always perceiving it as rejection. This, if she has suffered similar programming in her life, as that of rejection and breaks. what is her moment of perception? What does she understand the situation as, on the deepest formation levels? - That indeed may be a part of the core issue. Separating yourself from the situation to be able to see that more clearly, will take time, as it will similarly, for her.

[RunningDeer]

Posted by Kraut (here)

Posted by ulli (here)
Well, I see it this way...J
Jehovah's Witnesses are the most rigid people in any Christian sect,
so they can do with a sledge hammer approach.
Challenge them all the way, I say...don't give them any slack, ever.

P.S. Of course it wouldn't serve to say this with anger- it has to be heartfelt and loving. Showing one's conviction.

Tried the sledge hammer approach already. Didn't work. But you are right about not taking any slack. I think the best approach is to just let it be. I will continue to grow spiritually and that will show outwardly. Fortunately I have plenty of the stubbornness from my Father's side.

Fortunately I have plenty of the stubbornness from my Father's side.

Oops, if/when I hear something like that come out of my head, I remind myself that I am the sole owner for my beliefs and actions. Then I am filled with gratitude, and thank myself for wearing my custom-designed, self-empowered sneakers.

Here...if you'd like, these are for you.


Power of Words

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=PpVSeV_V1ug

[ulli]

In my last year in Barbados, before I knew that I was going to move to Costa Rica one day,
I still had my boutique there, and the girl working for me was a Jehovah's witness.

She was still in training, and used me as an exercise machine. Two nuts trying to crack each other.
So she insisted to bring her bible and a pile of books to work, and during the off season there were few customers...
so we would have these debates.
It ended with me discovering that they don't believe in getting into heaven, not until the final judgement,
and then only a small number....
all based on the position of one comma,
which was in a different place from the bibles I knew. It was about the promise that Jesus made to the thief on the cross next to him...
where he told him that today he would enter paradise. meanwhile she argued, backed up by her bible, that Jesus meant he was saying it TODAY, but it would not actually happen until two thousand years down the road when the dead would come out of their tombs.

That's when I gave up all discussions.....realized there was no way to win the argument. And once I showed an unwillingness to discuss her bible with her she also dropped her work standards until I decided that I would just have to let her go.
So I went to work the next day, nervous about the idea of giving her notice, because I hated firing people,
and as I walked in the door and before I could tell her anything, she announced that she was pregnant.
And this meant I couldn't fire her, under Barbados law.
And I ended up having her right until the end, and even pay for her three months maternity leave as well.
By then it had become clear to me that we were going to move to Costa Rica,
and I handed the business over to new management. So there was my personal saga...
and how spirit used a JW to drive me to a new country.

[RunningDeer]

Posted by astrid (here)

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=W7O887P4cWc

Just in from Tom

Thank you, Astrid. I liked Tom's mantra, too:

As I live in peace and harmony
I align with true morality
And no longer need to figure it out
I choose and act without a doubt

[ulli]

Poor Tom, not only did he forget to clean the lens on his camera but he got several things wrong today,
and least of all the year which he called 2012.
I do understand though, as 2012 became a powerful meme that could be stuck in many heads.
But Mercury going retrograde in Pisces conjunct Neptune blurred reality to the point that Tom called Neptune the messenger of the Gods when clearly he meant Mercury.
Looks to me like he is on the beach of Manzanillo which has that effect on visitors as well.
Unreal place. This is how it looks on a clear day. Anyone who visits me in future will be taken there.

[Dennis Leahy]

Posted by ulli (here)

Posted by Dennis Leahy (here)
I died last night...in my dream.

I don't remember ever dying in a dream before. I have had lucid dreams where I left my body and flew, and have had dreams/nightmares where something was happening that would have ended in death...but would awaken before the death scene. Not last night.

I got into a car along a busy highway, started it up and was trying to defrost the windows when a cop car, traveling at high speed on the wrong side of the road, came racing down the road towards me - and smashed into my car. My car spun around and flew the opposite direction from where I had been pointed, scraped along a concrete wall and hit a large pole. I (my spirit) must have then popped out of my body, as my viewpoint was instantly on the outside of the car, watching my body get ejected from the car. The pole then fell on my body.

One second later, I was with my daughter, and she could see and feel me. I held both of her hands and told her that I had just died in a car crash. She was pretty calm, but listening intently as I told her goodbye and how much I love her. Just then, my wife came in, worried, and said, "Your dad's car is outside and it's smashed!" I then realized my wife could not see me, but only saw our daughter holding her both of her hands out if front of her.

There were some real-world sounds in the house, and I awoke.

I laid in bed for a little while, thinking. I thought about the inadequacy of words in trying to convey a message of emotion. And I though about the fact that I am not ready to leave. I'm not done yet. I haven't accomplished what I came here to do (or at least try to do.)

Dennis

Death dreams can be so scary, Dennis. But they have important messages, too.

So discovered that people who dream of the end of the world, or the end of the species...
these people often became very sick a short while later, and sometimes even die,
if they buy into the literal meaning of their dream.
Meanwhile people (and this includes myself) who had personal death dreams in which only they died,
were close to the biggest Aha moment of their lives. They were only witnessing the death of their fragmented ego.

Over the years I realized that all those dreams preceded rebirth moments in my life,
and were in part the result of an earlier consciousness in myself that was still in denial of death.

So the shedding of the body type of death is only one of many deaths,
and the higher one's vibrational frequencies, the more death and rebirths one experiences,
and can make fresh starts in life, which are incredibly invigorating.

So as I got older I gradually began to face my own mortality more and more,
and also discovered that somehow I will be kept alive until every last task
my soul came here to do has been performed,
including tying up the loose ends and not leaving a big mess behind.

My feeling is that the perception you have of the "bad" government, the elite which is out of control,
and which will potentially be the cause of your own death,
is represented by that cop car coming down the wrong side of the road...
all that is part of your own self.
Once you transcend this conflict you will have new powers,
where you can start acting far more effectively than you can now.

Very interesting, very perceptive interpretation.

Specifically interesting, "all that is part of your own self" which is something that presents an enigma: how to find the balance between

a.) recognizing that even the most negative aspects of humanity, the most "evil" people, are still part of humanity and thus there truly is an "us" but not a "them"

and

b.) recognizing that shifting the onus onto all of mankind for the deliberate, planned, manipulation and exploitation perpetrated by a few, is shifting blame onto the victims.

(Riffing on this...)
I fight very hard against the notion that "we" must change ourselves first, for any meaningful overall change to occur. I see almost all of humanity herded into a press and being squeezed by a few. Yes, we together in the press can enlighten ourselves, transcend the pain, be more cooperative with and respectful to our fellow victims in the press, maybe even recognize that we allowed ourselves to be manipulated - but I want the malevolent few outside the press to reverse the screw, realizing that indeed the masses are unenlightened but we are also victims of outside forces that we cannot solve introspectively.

I don't feel (consciously) conflicted with that perspective, but I do realize that the meme that our present condition is all our own damn fault needs to be deconstructed carefully. Oddly, it is easy for many 'lower functioning' individuals to assert that every negative thing in life is someone elses fault, and it is easy for many 'higher functioning' people to accept responsibility regardless who created the problem. It may be this blanket blaming that causes the (few, but genuine and important) victim complaints to be drowned out in a sea of "woe is me." On the other hand, in accepting responsibility for what we did not do and do not control, we get further away from understanding the source of the problem and further away from solving the problem.

...but that's not the end of me analyzing the dream and analyzing your interpretation of the dream, Ulli. Thanks again for your input.

Dennis

[ulli]

Hi Dennis. Yes, you summed up my own dilemma, and all I can say is that the final chapter on it
is still somewhere on a shelf. Humanity cannot get there, (wherever it is),
just by each and every individual changing themselves.
There must also be system change, and not only for the US but all 200 nations....
to bring about an environment where the rest of the great unwashed, as the elite call them, are given a fair chance as well.
Equal opportunity for all has to be a part of the package.

But some of the privileged few, who don't have to worry about starvation,
once a sufficiently large group can attain enlightenment
they will also tip the balance of power, something which might have already begun to happen.
And not just in the last few years, but earlier, when monarchies became republics.
if those generations could do it so can ours.
And our kids, of course; I have complete faith in them.

[Flash]

Posted by Carmody (here)

Posted by Kraut (here)

Posted by ulli (here)
She will always be your mum, and will always love you.
Just tell her not to worry, that her God and her prayers will protect you,
but that your path is a higher one than hers.
Just give her a hug, she'll come around to your way of seeing things;
mums usually do...they are just a bit slow.

That's true and she does love me, but I can't stand seeing her lifeless eyes, knowing that she is hurting inside because of her conditioning. My life has gotten much better, but I can't share that with her. She can't understand when I tell her not to worry, there's only one path in her mind, just as she's been taught all her life, it's black and white, life or death. In her view I have abandoned the path of light and when Armageddon will come soon, I'll have to die. She believes that Demons have taken over my mind. Telling her that her God and her prayers will protect me won't work either, because I have abandoned her God. JWs have an extreme view of God and loyalty to the religion is everything, even questioning and being critical is bad. It's sad and funny at the same time.

About two months ago I had an interesting dream, it was around my lowest point in the past months. To most here a dream as mine must be rather insignificant, but that was a first to me. So far I had thought that dreams are just mental projections that are random, that they have no meaning. In my dream I spoke to some woman, that I did not know. I told her that I felt cut off from God and a bit lost, that it was painful for me and how I was searching. When I told her that she started singing, just a melody, not a song with lyrics. At that point (it's not so easy to describe) I felt as if God were with me and I with him. It was such a powerful and tremendous joy that I had to laugh, I wouldn't be surprised if I was actually laughing in my sleep. I have never felt such joy, it was overpowering. Unfortunately that's when I woke up. Anyway, it was really fascinating to me and I still think about it regularly. But even a dream as that is something I don't mention to my Mom because she'll look at me and think "oh boy, my Son is demonized...". You don't have to go to Arab countries to find fundamentalists. Hopefully any religion like that will not be tolerated by people anymore soon. There are many Witnesses who are starting to wake up.

The trick is to understand that your mind's designs and wiring is derived from hers. (about half, at the least -a mix up, a mish-mash) Yours is an evolution and change..additions and subtractions in the basic wiring. If you understand a given thing, then there is chance that she will as well. Eventually. That it may be a good idea to try, at some time, to give her a chance to understand - when you and her are a bit more emotionally separated from the moment that is happening now.

And I would add with mothers, always remain on the love side, kind of "i know you love me and want my well being - I love you too and want the same for you, can we just share our love for the moment" this is a no fail argument with a mom. But do not give up on yourself, follow as well Ulli and Carmody's advice.

[donk]

Well said Dennis and ulli, it is the real issue, what every issue boils down to:

On the other hand, in accepting responsibility for what we did not do and do not control, we get further away from understanding the source of the problem and further away from solving the problem.

There is a THEY, and they adapt quickly...co-opting (hijacking) the idea of idea of "republic" (to use ulli's example)...we can throw in the ideas of freedom, liberty....how about HOPE & CHANGE, anyone??

Orwell was prophetic. I just hope he got the endings wrong (at least of the two I read: 1984 and Animal Farm).

I think that the change or adaption needed of us is so radical we cannot imagine it, until it is realized. And as a lot of people mention and Dennis touches on, it would involve turning "them" into "us" (assimilation, borg-style?). But really it is about achieving a balance...who's which is which, and who is who:

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=vcG47CpsU6c

[1inMany]

Oh, Kraut, I wish I had the answer for you. As it is, your expressions have led me down a hole in myself that used to be extremely painful and I am finding out now that it was a crucial turning point in my soul development.

I was born into a JW family, born into the Truth. My father was the director of music for the district back when orchestras played at assemblies. I grew up napping on concrete floors being lulled by beautiful interpretations of Myriads and Myriads of Brothers before the assemblies started. I grew up being paraded around and showered with positive reinforcement because I was a good girl, answering questions during the Watchtower Studies as soon as I could speak. I was on stage from the time I could walk, a good example. I learned to read using the Watchtower and Awake, and of course the Bible. We went to meetings on Thursday nights and Sundays, and usually held the Tuesday night Book Study in our living room. Saturday mornings our house was full of Brothers and Sisters, and families, getting ready to go in Service. On Monday nights and Wednesday nights, our family sat in a circle and every member took a turn reading something aloud, usually studying for Sunday, but very often we had some part or other at the meeting that we needed to prepare for. I was a proficient public speaker at about 6. I placed many, many magazines before then, countless number probably, just on the cuteness factor alone.

When my parents divorced, there was the necessary Disfellowshipping of one party or the other, my Mom took that one. Upon remarrying, she relocated all of us across the country, which was so far away that we actually did not get to see our Dad even annually. What this did, of course, was send me into a tailspin of nightmares (because of course my Mom was demonized at this point) and secret (forbidden) midnight calls to my Dad so that he could pray with me. Many, many nights I awoke from a nightmare of demons, and after I got the courage to get out of bed (which it felt like took an hour), would get in bed with my Mom shaking with fear. I would make her say "Jehovah" out loud, the only way to make the demons go away. This, I'm certain, infuriated her, having been disfellowshipped and trying to give me a sense of normalcy.

When I moved in with my Dad at 15, I did so because I missed him very much and it seemed the only way to be able to touch him. Upon making this decision, my mother put everything I left behind at home into a pile and lit it. Literally. Every item of clothing. Every picture. Every award since grade school. I no longer existed.

My father then took me out of high school to watch my younger brother, an infant. He wanted, first and foremost, to keep me from becoming worldly. My Dad and step mother also could not afford day care. And, to them, it seemed the perfect opportunity for me to Pioneer. So, here I was a 16-17 year old girl, Pioneering with my brother on my hip. My Dad made frequent trips to Bethel, and helped to compose many songs in the new song book. He also helped record all the "new" music, now heard in Kingdom Halls all over the world. I used to play the piano at assemblies, Circuit and District, Dad standing on the stage directing the music. 2,000 or more people's voices behind me.

I understand the emotional and spiritual abuse that takes place in fundamentalist religions. Even opening up this much, I still could not explain how much a part of my life "the Truth" was.

Upon moving out at 19, maybe 20 years old, I was disfellowshipped as well. (Already shared that elsewhere, not going through that whole story again.) The Truth was such a part of me, and I a part of it, that I cannot describe the sensations on the morning I woke up knowing the Elders had met the night before to decide my "fate." I sat and cried for hours, literally, because the birds were still chirping, the train still blew at 6am outside my window, the traffic noise still existed, the alarm still went off, and I looked in the mirror and still saw myself. I am not joking, here, in the least. I am not sure what I expected to happen, but that moment of realization was the worst and best moment I have ever experienced.

And in one night, I went from having a million brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles to not one. None. And you know what? Had that one moment not occurred, I would not be here. And now.

I am so, so sorry, Kraut, right along with you, that religions are more than "just" religions. After having the experiences I have had, I would venture a guess that there is not one single thing you will be able to say to your mother that would even make her comfortable being around you. I tried calling my Dad, for years actually, and only once or twice did I ever get him to come to the phone. I visited him a couple of months before he died, in the hospital actually. He could not speak, so they had made him a poster of common words and letters, and he had a pointer. After 6 or 7 years, finally seeing him in person, do you know what he said? He said, "are you going to meetings?"

When this is ingrained so deeply, and especially from birth, it takes a shock to get away from it. But it isn't the kind of shock someone else can give you. I was disfellowshipped for something I actually didn't do, but for one reason or another didn't feel like battling the whole thing. So I let it happen. But this haunted me for 20 years. Twenty years of my life, every waking moment and every sleeping moment. The guilt. The fear. At some point, in therapy even, I decided that there would be no way to get any peace unless I just went back. (This is quite an undertaking, following this rule and that, doing first this step and then that, until the Elders decide to re-instate you.) I went into a Kingdom Hall, asked to see some Elders. Told them I was considering coming back to the fold. But before I did, I wanted to study with them first, because I had been born into all these beliefs, and I wanted to ask questions as an adult. They refused. That's not the way it was done. First you jump through the hoops, then you can ask questions. The only way past after that, was to accept that I would die at Armageddon. So I did.

And you know what happened? One day, out of nowhere, a thought popped into my head. It was something like, hey wait a minute. Jehovah knows my heart, and is a just God. I will wait to talk to Him and see what He says.

After all this, the only advice I would give you is to not share too much. The risk of alienation is HUGE. Let your light shine, let your attitude show her that Jehovah didn't forsake you, turning His back on you until you get your **** together. Build on what is still in common, we are all actually moving toward the new system of things.

But even saying that, only you will know if there is a way to reach her. Look at me, here. Some point after 20 years away from it, I let every single bit go. I learned about the Law of One, something that resonates with me like nothing else I have ever found. I know to the core of my being that Jehovah is not "God," just wanted to clarify for anyone reading that I'm way past all this now. This was a painful share because I accessed some memories in such a way as to put myself back there for a moment.

Why did I do this? ****. I have no clue.

I got home from the city, and all I could think about was rest. I'm so worn out. But, being how I am, I thought I would check in and catch up in the village...and Kraut, I simply could not dismiss your posts.

There is always, always hope. Always. Follow your intuition. And know, please, that you are not alone. None of us is, your mom isn't either. And when the time is right, and I hope this is in your lifetime, she will awaken to All that Is. The work you are doing now will mean that you will be such a source of strength and love for her when her awakening begins. You know as well as I do, it won't be easy. She will be absolutely blessed to have your support.

Much Love,