Standing in line at the mall on Saturday

[Flash]

Thanks to all for your comments and experiences.

To me, it is utterly important to let know to the child that it is not his fault, he is not the crooked one, that some adult just do not have it together. This often will be sufficient to support that child later on when he will decide that enough is enough. Some other adults had seen it and told him, now the action is his to take.

I did tell a woman and a child lately at the store that we do not slap here in Canada nor scream like this (she was not Canadian) and told the child that this is not alright, it could be better. I took care of a little neighbour whose mother was drug addict and slapping her back and forth. Well, when the little one became a teenager and was harassed by her mother's addict boyfriends, guess whom she came to tell. So we could call for help. Who would she have talked to if I had not reacted prior.

Once I had for a while a cleaning lady whose husband was beating the hell out of her and her two daughters. I talked to them, telling them this is not right and to him, telling him I would not let it go like this. Beating receded quite a lot once he had been in court, him telling to his friends not to beat their wife. Refusal of violence does spread around as much as not acting on it does as well. The girls would often come with their mom, then started to call me up to help in their homework, and, growing up, told me they wanted to be like me..... lol (they did not know better lol).

I asked a little boy in the shopping center (about 6) why he had a black eye. The parents were right behind me. They understood the message, I could see it in their face.

Finally, I never allowed anybody to beat up my daughter nor scream at her, including me, and the incredible mental cruelty her father would play on her was listened to when she talked and her analysis were confirmed, she was not the crazy one. Also, when she did not want to go to her dad, she did not have to as soon as the law permitted it (around 11 years old here with court agreement, but he would not dare going to court to contest his daughter's decisions). In the meantime, anytime he would not take her, I would without any hesitation tell him I was free to keep her, as he is lazy and did not want to hamper his personal life, the amount he saw her was greatly reduced, even if this did not give me much free time.

I do wish also that someone had talked to me when I was young, just telling me that the continuous screaming at, little beating, and rejection I was subjected to was not alright. I would not have believed that I totally deserved it because I was somehow deficient (in what, I never knew....). It would certainly have shorten the decisions I made to go through it and solve this inner turmoil and I may not have married the kind of guy I married.

It is important to tell the child that this is not normal and that there is different loving families in this world.

[westhill]

Seems a lot of us had the same mother.

The only real powerful action is not become like them. I have a great admiration for all of you
who decided to heal yourselves and not pass on your pain to others. Staying sane in an insane
childhood is the hardest of lessons. To be little and realize you have a better grasp than those
supposed to be in charge of you is a shock! You find you have to parent yourself (and the mom).

[conk]

What every parent should have drilled into their mind is the fact that a child under age 5 is incapable of controlling their emotions or their compulsion. They simply cannot control their impulses. Their brains are not wired yet, the frontal cortex is undeveloped. So, no amount of screaming or whipping will change them.

And parents that strike their children are more emotionally immature than the child. Spare the rod, spoil the child is the most rediculous advice EVER! Teach your kids, don't assault them.

[Prodigal Son]

Posted by conk (here)
Spare the rod, spoil the child is the most rediculous advice EVER! Teach your kids, don't assault them.

We can thank the "wise" King Solomon for that one....

Proverbs 29:15 New International Version (©2011)
"A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother."

You know, the same dude who came up with the brilliant idea to sever a baby in half to settle a dispute between two women claiming it was theirs. And for this he is revered by billions....

Brought to you by the same geniuses who came up with "an eye for an eye".

Zionists: Making Earth a living hell since 537 BC.....

[Selene]

Opprobrium, the ol’ hairy eyeball staring at socially or culturally unacceptable behavior, is a powerful tool for molding behavior. I think – if I may say so - that Jagman used this tool appropriately under the circumstances. This thread has been rolling on at great value, (I had the same Mother From Hell....!) but to comment on Jagman's original dilemma:

While I agree that the ‘therapeutic/sympathetic’ approach is useful in a variety of situations, sometimes stronger tactical medicine is called for: force meeting equal force. Enough, but not more. The mother in this case was clearly not aware – for whatever reason – that her treatment of her child was inappropriate. She was simply not sensitive to this, and it is necessary to ‘speak’ to her in her own terms. A more subtle method would probably have washed right over without effect.

It is incredibly useful to think ‘I will treat others as I would wish to be treated.’ Yes.

But we are also regularly confronted with the problem of Q: How do I communicate with someone who is not on my wavelength?

The answer: Get onto theirs. Speak their language. Communicate in their terms, whatever they may be.

In this case the wavelength is a sad and difficult one; you need to growl, even if you’re only faking. But sometimes it’s helpful to look at the situation not only as “what outcome do I want?” but “how can I get there?” And do what you need to do.

Cheers,

Selene