The Cricket Thread (for Whinging Poms and Aussie *******s only)

[Bill Ryan]

--------

From the Sydney Morning Herald, 7 November:

Australia's media outlets have taken a new direction in their pre-Ashes baiting of the tourists. "Captain Alastair's Ashes Cookbook" is the headline as it is revealed that England have "issued an extravagant 82-page list of demands for catering for its players during the Ashes, including recipe requirements and instructions for preparing nearly 200 different types of meals and beverages".

From the Sydney Morning Herald, 8 November:

Popular former Australia quick bowler Merv Hughes has reacted to Friday's revelations of England's 82-page list of catering demands during Test matches. "Give me a ham and pickle sandwich," says the garrulous Hughes.

As revealed by Fairfax Media on Friday, England have issued an 82-page list of recipes and requirements, including instructions on how to prepare dishes such as "Quinoa and Cranberry Breakfast Bar" and "Butternut Squash and Falafel Coronation".

"As I say to people who talk about going on a diet, 'Eat foods you don't like because you don't like much of it,"' Hughes said. "By the sounds of it they're going to have a lot of this crap left over."

Here's Merv Hughes, now retired. (For which all England batsmen give thanks)




In his younger days, at half his weight (and half his lifetime total of ham and pickle sandwiches)






Come to think of it, the more he eats, the better he looks. Keep it up, Merv.

[mosquito]

The Oz/Kiwi community in London used to have their own newspaper called, if I remember rightly, "Australasian Express". I used to enjoy reading it from time to time during the days when I worked in London. The sports coverage was particularly interesting.

One issue stands out in my mind, it carried the headline: "Poms reel as we run up 78 for 9" - It was the funniest piece of newspaper writing I have ever seen, basically a complete piss-take of the Australian teams recent performance against the English tourists in 1977.

Unfortunately I can't remember the entire article verbatim, but there were 2 passages which stuck in my mind, both excellent for their biting sarcasm. From what I can remember ....

"Smith (?) is famous for his cover drive, in fact, there's not much else he can do. And that's precisely the stroke he made on his first delivery. It was a joy to behold, left foot planted firmly forward, blade arcing gracefully through the air. It was perhaps a shame that the ball was a good length, middle and leg ..."

"Then the Poms sent in Boycott. Now Boycott is very bloody slow, so slow that when he arrives, you have enough time to go off for a slap up meal, screw the mother-in-law and know that when you get back the score will only have advanced by 2 runs." There followed a long and beautiful rant about the Aussie's inability to dislodge Boycott and allow him to run up a high score.

Wish I could remember more. There's a remote chance that my nephew still has my copy of the article. I'll email him and see.

[panopticon]

That's not something to be laughed at Bill.

It's normal for poms to be unable to eat solid food after playing Australia.

That's why there are so many soft foods and smoothies on the list.

-- Pan

[panopticon]

Posted by mariposafe (here)
The Oz/Kiwi community in London used to have their own newspaper called, if I remember rightly, "Australasian Express". I used to enjoy reading it from time to time during the days when I worked in London. The sports coverage was particularly interesting.

One issue stands out in my mind, it carried the headline: "Poms reel as we run up 78 for 9" - It was the funniest piece of newspaper writing I have ever seen, basically a complete piss-take of the Australian teams recent performance against the English tourists in 1977.

Unfortunately I can't remember the entire article verbatim, but there were 2 passages which stuck in my mind, both excellent for their biting sarcasm. From what I can remember ....

"Smith (?) is famous for his cover drive, in fact, there's not much else he can do. And that's precisely the stroke he made on his first delivery. It was a joy to behold, left foot planted firmly forward, blade arcing gracefully through the air. It was perhaps a shame that the ball was a good length, middle and leg ..."

"Then the Poms sent in Boycott. Now Boycott is very bloody slow, so slow that when he arrives, you have enough time to go off for a slap up meal, screw the mother-in-law and know that when you get back the score will only have advanced by 2 runs." There followed a long and beautiful rant about the Aussie's inability to dislodge Boycott and allow him to run up a high score.

Wish I could remember more. There's a remote chance that my nephew still has my copy of the article. I'll email him and see.

Aussie/Kiwi sense of humour is very satirical and we go our own just as quick (if not quicker) than havin a go at anyone else.

Would be good to see a copy of it if your nephew can find it.

I can just imagine what would happen in the Aussie press if the Aussie menu came out...

-- Pan

[Cidersomerset]

The basic psychological difference between the Anzacs and the Brits is that
being born 'upside down' with all that blood rushing to the brain a odd
sort of 'pub Philosopher has emerged, an evolutionary side bar as
distinct from Homo Sapiens as Homo Sapiens, Sapiens......


According to Darwin ( Capitol of Northern Territory ) it took millions of years...



Thanks to Fosters ( magic potion ) It has been speeded up Evolution,Homo Aussie..


An off 'shot' of their close ( some would say to Close Cousin !! )
MK Ultra Drug enhanced programmed....Homo 'Ozzy'

Ozzy builds a beach Barbie.........beginning & end of vid.

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=HUQSONhnmTc

Aussie Barbie Song......

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=En-oZB9etX4

[Hazel]

Posted by panopticon (here)

Posted by mariposafe (here)
The Oz/Kiwi community in London used to have their own newspaper called, if I remember rightly, "Australasian Express". I used to enjoy reading it from time to time during the days when I worked in London. The sports coverage was particularly interesting.

One issue stands out in my mind, it carried the headline: "Poms reel as we run up 78 for 9" - It was the funniest piece of newspaper writing I have ever seen, basically a complete piss-take of the Australian teams recent performance against the English tourists in 1977.

Unfortunately I can't remember the entire article verbatim, but there were 2 passages which stuck in my mind, both excellent for their biting sarcasm. From what I can remember ....

"Smith (?) is famous for his cover drive, in fact, there's not much else he can do. And that's precisely the stroke he made on his first delivery. It was a joy to behold, left foot planted firmly forward, blade arcing gracefully through the air. It was perhaps a shame that the ball was a good length, middle and leg ..."

"Then the Poms sent in Boycott. Now Boycott is very bloody slow, so slow that when he arrives, you have enough time to go off for a slap up meal, screw the mother-in-law and know that when you get back the score will only have advanced by 2 runs." There followed a long and beautiful rant about the Aussie's inability to dislodge Boycott and allow him to run up a high score.

Wish I could remember more. There's a remote chance that my nephew still has my copy of the article. I'll email him and see.

Aussie/Kiwi sense of humour is very satirical and we go our own just as quick (if not quicker) than havin a go at anyone else.

Would be good to see a copy of it if your nephew can find it.

I can just imagine what would happen in the Aussie press if the Aussie menu came out...

-- Pan

Yeeers struth, too true mate... re the satirical bent of we Aussies
Get along side... about time you old country left-overs appreciated our fair dinkum gumption... eh! ?

You know when l reissue over our Warnie getting wed with your Este' Lordy chick.. I can't help but conclude that he lost his mojo and all other signs of blokedom with the makeover that ensued. A bloody sure fire viral de-sexing /hexing of our cricket team.. that we are still in the 'throws' of exorcising...
**Avalon members stick that one in your conspiracy pipe... for a 'drag queen' expose' or two.

Mind you, the fighting cricketers diet our lot shove down, is still a better gut full than the soft arsed mulch your pommie crew are being served up. It remains (on a wink basis) recomended from on high, that our boys suck on a can or two before a match. And its an indigenous Warny of old legacy .. to neck down cans of bake beans (remains a favourite Popeye repast)... well tested that such doings' will keep a man from being stumped, well into the game and beyond 4 looooong time.

Just wonderin' how newest Mrs Warn copes but?.. Does she keep her scented Este'Lordy scented sachetes secreted in the linen in the marital boudoire?

Eeew on second thoughts... too much food for thought, even for my cast iron
stomache!

Too much like farts in a cheap scented 'knocking shop' init..

[Cidersomerset]

Published on 17 Mar 2013


Shane Watson was scared of ghosts the night before this match, and spent the night in Brett Lee's room.


TRUE STORY! Gough trolls him accordingly ......

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=2pCJI-_LHC0

[panopticon]

Crikey, struth and blazes!

Now, I've heard of ball tampering but what was Hot2Trott thinking here:



Yeah, I know the tucker ain't the same down in Sydney (no Vietnamese King Prawn Thingamabobs) but surely willow isn't the most nutritious?

Just gotta wonder what goes through a blokes head when he gets out and then decides to eat his bat...

Not much I reckon, not much at all...

-- Pan

[ponda]

Posted by panopticon (here)





Now that's an Australian sporting legend.
-- Pan

You know that you have finally made it to true legend status when they make a doll out of you and not just any old doll but a talking doll.

Not long after David Boon broke Dougie Walter's long standing beer drinking record for the Sydney to London flight, Foster's Brewing brought out the "Boonie talking doll" as a free give away with every slab of Victorian Bitter.The Boonie doll would utter pearls of wisdom such as: "is it the drinks break yet ?" or "it's time to go to the pub".

Later on Ian Botham was paid the ultimate compliment when he too was made into a talking doll.The "Beefy Botham" talking doll was born and it would pass on jewels such as "blimey it's hot...time for a VB".

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=CfOK5GkP21M

[panopticon]

Since we're still natterin' on bout Boonie here's a couple 90's classics from Neville and Gavin Oz (aka Nev n Gaz) the Oz Brothers:

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=Da1OBE2dmeo

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=iqdGLQoic7Q

-- Pan

[panopticon]

James Sutherland says that Australia wont cheat like the poms:

The pitches rolled out to exploit Australian weaknesses in England were bad for cricket, Cricket Australia boss James Sutherland has said, adding that Australia will seek no such advantage at home this summer.

A week before the battle for the urn begins in Brisbane, Sutherland took the moral high ground in the pitch wars.

''We have played nine Test matches away this year [in India and England], we have not seen a blade of grass or a drop of moisture on any of those pitches,'' he said, explaining CA's mission at domestic level to improve Sheffield Shield pitches to provide more opportunities for spinners, for batsmen to build long innings, and for batsmen to get better at playing spin.

... Sutherland said curators would not be given any directive, subtle or otherwise, to produce pitches to suit Australia's fast bowlers, and this was not because it might also play into the hands of Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad.

''And we're not looking for an advantage with our pitches. We want fans to see a good contest between bat and ball and we know each pitch has its own characteristics and we want that to continue.''

Asked by Fairfax Media why Australia wouldn't seek to exploit a home soil advantage, Sutherland added: ''I don't think it's good for cricket, I don't think some of the pitches we have played on over the last six months have been conducive to entertaining and high-quality cricket.''

For the recent Ashes in England the pitches were tailored to suit Graeme Swann, and the charismatic off-spinner was the leading wicket-taker in the series with 26 wickets at an average of 29.

But former Australian captain and CA talent manager Greg Chappell believes Swann will be less of a handful on Australian pitches, and that England's third seamer could be a weakness in the absence of the injured Tim Bresnan.

''If they're a bowler short it will make a big difference to them. Swann won't have as much impact in Australia as he had in England. He will bowl some good spells and no doubt he will get some wickets, but he won't have the influence he might have had in England,'' Chappell said.

''When they had pressure on them [in England] they didn't handle it that well.''
Source

If a dead set legend like the Middle Chappell says it, it must be true!
-- Pan

[bram]

Posted by panopticon (here)
James Sutherland says that Australia wont cheat like the poms:

The pitches rolled out to exploit Australian weaknesses in England were bad for cricket, Cricket Australia boss James Sutherland has said, adding that Australia will seek no such advantage at home this summer.

A week before the battle for the urn begins in Brisbane, Sutherland took the moral high ground in the pitch wars.

''We have played nine Test matches away this year [in India and England], we have not seen a blade of grass or a drop of moisture on any of those pitches,'' he said, explaining CA's mission at domestic level to improve Sheffield Shield pitches to provide more opportunities for spinners, for batsmen to build long innings, and for batsmen to get better at playing spin.

... Sutherland said curators would not be given any directive, subtle or otherwise, to produce pitches to suit Australia's fast bowlers, and this was not because it might also play into the hands of Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad.

''And we're not looking for an advantage with our pitches. We want fans to see a good contest between bat and ball and we know each pitch has its own characteristics and we want that to continue.''

Asked by Fairfax Media why Australia wouldn't seek to exploit a home soil advantage, Sutherland added: ''I don't think it's good for cricket, I don't think some of the pitches we have played on over the last six months have been conducive to entertaining and high-quality cricket.''

For the recent Ashes in England the pitches were tailored to suit Graeme Swann, and the charismatic off-spinner was the leading wicket-taker in the series with 26 wickets at an average of 29.

But former Australian captain and CA talent manager Greg Chappell believes Swann will be less of a handful on Australian pitches, and that England's third seamer could be a weakness in the absence of the injured Tim Bresnan.

''If they're a bowler short it will make a big difference to them. Swann won't have as much impact in Australia as he had in England. He will bowl some good spells and no doubt he will get some wickets, but he won't have the influence he might have had in England,'' Chappell said.

''When they had pressure on them [in England] they didn't handle it that well.''
Source

If a dead set legend like the Middle Chappell says it, it must be true!
-- Pan

Wow! Rolling out the excuses already?

[Hazel]

Naaa bram..

dontya recognise a 'fair suck of the sav'' when you see it?!



sav' = a savaloy

(as much like: playing at sticking a pavlova in someones smug face when you ain't humble enuff to do otherwise..
aka:when you knows in your heart of hearts you *Vegemite be dead right or wrong..)


'Die Hard' got nottin' on us lot

By the way - another favoured dainty description for the edification of the audience is - "Blowin' it up your arse"

[panopticon]

Posted by bram (here)
Wow! Rolling out the excuses already?

Hmmmm....

Obviously the fact that the poms cheated in the recent Australian tour of England has been missed by your good self.

Apologies for bringing it up.

How the fact that there was a conspiracy conducted by the pommie cricketing establishment to advantage the pommie cricketers can be interpreted as me making an excuse for Australia's cricket hierarchy not doing the same in the upcoming tour I have no idea...

One would think that Australia's willingness to overlook the pom's cheating and not returning in like would be applauded...

Once again I am stunned...
I guess it's just all about who can drink the most tea in England...

Whereas in Oz it's all about the

--Pan

[Hazel]

I'll drink u under the table on that one 'Pan fry the possum outta them Limeys'

[panopticon]

I see that the Illuminati and their minions are on the poms side...

Just checked the Brisvegas weather fortune-cast for the 21st-25th and it looks like low temperatures and bloody lightning and thunder storms on the 22nd with rain thereafter...

I shall call together a conclave of the Launceston Boonies and see if we can fix this latest shenanigans!

Here's the hallowed hall of the Grand Boonie Lodge:



-- Pan

[Hazel]

Posted by panopticon (here)
I see that the Illuminati and their minions are on the poms side...

Just checked the Brisvegas weather fortune-cast for the 21st-25th and it looks like low temperatures and bloody lightning and thunder storms on the 22nd with rain thereafter...

I shall call together a conclave of the Launceston Boonies and see if we can fix this latest shenanigans!

Here's the hallowed hall of the Grand Boonie Lodge:



-- Pan

Good one..
excellent joint for a posh bush dance and leg over the wicket at stumps..

Am betting a few hundred quid that that beer barrell has heard and seen a few porkies in its day!

[panopticon]

Posted by recap1 (here)
Good one..
excellent joint for a posh bush dance and leg over the wicket at stumps..

Blood Oath crapper.

For the non-aussies that would be interpreted as:

What a fine establishment for a knees up and a little slap and tickle.

Very true what eh.

Mind you, it's feelin' a lil bit lonely in this thread...
Look's like the Dunnycork spirit got flushed.
Ol' Winnie would be so bloody unimpressed.

Can't wait for Australia to lose a game so I can turn on the bunch of whining little girls and give 'em a verbal.

Be on for young and old then I bloody reckon.

It's a National pass-time in Oz, pickin on winners and losers alike, second only to the joy of beating the poms.

Even if you know nuffin bout the game, ewes can still go em for being wankers...

It's on mate, it's bloody on.

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=GiHdpAVIHgo

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=PXyplMT2dWI

-- Pan

[Hazel]

Yeah good point.. where are the rest of 'ewes contenders?!

Havn't seen our Wankovich Jacko yet... neither... too sad.
Are you piking-out on us mate, or waiting on some prime fodder to pump-up your jabber?

Meanwhile cop this lot:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=srpuEf5GQmM


www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_4239AElv8

[bram]

Posted by recap1 (here)
Naaa bram..

dontya recognise a 'fair suck of the sav'' when you see it?!



sav' = a savaloy

(as much like: playing at sticking a pavlova in someones smug face when you ain't humble enuff to do otherwise..
aka:when you knows in your heart of hearts you *Vegemite be dead right or wrong..)


'Die Hard' got nottin' on us lot

By the way - another favoured dainty description for the edification of the audience is - "Blowin' it up your arse"

Sucking a cabbage? Sheesh

¤=[Post Update]=¤

BY the way, are we still speaking English here? It's getting hard to tell....