Blank Canvas

[another bob]

Posted by PurpleLama (here)
I want to say thanks, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to all my friends and acquaintances who have participated in this thread thus far. I will find the time and energy to contribute soon, myself.

Brother, I was hoping to see you here, so Bows from the heart for showing up to join in!

[Fred Steeves]

Hi Mitzvah, I'm very happy to meet your aquaintance here! Thank you very much for your sharing, and your unique perspective. All else I can think of is that you sound like quite a lady. Looking forward to getting to know you better, maybe even a Skype chat would be cool.

Cheers,
Fred

[Cartomancer]

When ever I get torked at someone I always think what would Maximus do?...............................(caution adult themes and gore).

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=FI1ylg4GKv8

[Sebastion]

Just thought I would tell the one real life war story that had a dramatic effect upon me for many years to come.

I was a supervisor at Ford at the time and most days were tough to get through, especially on dayshift. I had an electrical repairman who would invariably tell me and others "its a wonderful day to be alive ain't it". Usually I would just acknowledge that and go on. One day when I was particularly annoyed with events around me, I stopped to see his repair tally for my area. He walked up and again said his "wonderful day" thing. Since I wasn't aware of anything wonderful at all at that moment, I finally asked him "Sid, what on earth makes you think that this is a wonderful day?"

His face got serious and he said this: When I was in Viet Nam, we were out on patrol one day. We were out too far and started back to base camp. When it got too dark, we decided to spend the night in a rice paddy. So they climbed into their sleeping bags and went to sleep. The next morning, Sid woke up and found all but one of the rest of the patrol had had their throats slit while they slept. Sid and one other soldier had been missed. The two of them made their way back to base camp without incident. The soldier who had survived with Sid went insane shortly afterwards. He then said "now you know why everyday I wake up it's a wonderful day."

That story indeed helped me immensely in many ways and perspectives. I now pass it forward.......

[another bob]

Posted by Sebastion (here)
That story indeed helped me immensely in many ways and perspectives. I now pass it forward.......

Thank you, Brother!

It is all about one's angle of vision, isn't it. When we start to get the "Big Picture", we tend not to "sweat the small stuff".

[Mitzvah]

Posted by Fred Steeves (here)
Hi Mitzvah, I'm very happy to meet your aquaintance here! Thank you very much for your sharing, and your unique perspective. All else I can think of is that you sound like quite a lady. Looking forward to getting to know you better, maybe even a Skype chat would be cool.

Cheers,
Fred

Greetings, Fred! It's great to be here. I really appreciate the open sharing that's happening here amongst everyone. There's so much to learn from everyone, and with everyone who've been sharing so intimately, so forthrightly. Thanks for your warm welcome, Fred.

[Ron Mauer Sr]

I am so very thankful that the beast within me has not been awakened in this lifetime.

[mosquito]

I have a lump in my throat after reading so many soul-baring stories. I just want to share with you all one of my favourite verses from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran, it's on self-knowledge (my italics)

And a man said, Speak to us of Self-Knowledge.
And he answered saying:
Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always known in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.

And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

Blessing to all, Philip

[Dennis Leahy]

(not for the squeamish)

I had caught a few rattlesnakes before, but never one this big. It was a Western Red Diamondback, a bit more than five feet long (the longest I had ever seen), but it was the girth that was really impressive. The head was not quite as big as my fist, but the neck was as big as my wrist, and most of the body was bigger than my forearm. I had absolutely no business holding that snake.

It's crime? It was crossing the dirt road in front of my little truck, in the high desert in Southern California.

This species is not the deadliest in North America, and I knew that, but still a single bite from this snake, a couple of hours away from a hospital, would have probably meant necrotic tissue (muscle) would have to be removed from the bite site. There must have been an immense amount of adrenaline flowing through me, because I could feel myself involuntarily jerk and twitch. A few minutes later, I would be remorseful that I had made the decision to catch the snake. It was, by far, the largest rattlesnake I had ever seen in the wild, and I decided I just had to catch it. I don't really remember what I used, but probably found a stick to use with my right hand, holding the snake's head while I grabbed it's neck with my left hand.

One second later, it had wrapped its powerful body around my left arm, and was using its constricting muscles to pull it's head out of my grip. I knew I had made a mistake. I could barely hold the snake's head from pulling out of my grip. There was no adjusting my grip, and the snake had already gotten its head so far up my arm that I barely had it.

I had caught maybe a half dozen rattlesnakes before, and had always been able to release them without getting bit or injuring the snake. This would prove to be a different story. I had an ugly, panicky feeling that I was going to get bit - possibly multiple times - if this snake pulled backwards another half-inch. I didn't lose control of myself completely, but I'd have to say that I then panicked. In retrospect, I don't remember if I even tried to unwind the snake from my arm (as would have been a normal procedure), or if I just assumed I could not successfully get it off of my arm... so, I started quickly looking in the open bed of my little pickup truck for something to kill the snake with.

I found some aviation snips, and...

(yeah, this is gross)


...cut off it's head. Well, I sort of cut off its head. Aviation snips are meant to cut sheet metal, and were not big enough to cut the head off with one snip. As I cut through the snake, of course it sent a spasm through the entire animal and squeezed and pulled with all its might. But the head was not completely cut off. Now the head, still connected to its body by some of its muscle and skin dropped down and swung like a pendulum beneath my wrist. My grip was gone. The snake's mouth was wide open, fangs fully exposed, and its jaw muscles were reflexively, repeatedly spasming,trying to bite even in death. I jerked my arm and nearly got bitten, and then had to cut the final snip, to drop the head.

You know, I have thought about this story multiple times over the years, but have never written it down before, and my stomach is knotted and my neck hurts, and I have a mild headache and dizziness - just in reliving the details of the story.

I took the snake the rest of the journey down the dirt road to my friend's trailer at a mining site. I skinned it and we ate the meat. We had rattlesnake tacos.

My friend knew how to preserve the skin, and I scraped the inside, put salt on it, stretched it out, and let it dry. I kept it for a number of years, always intending to "honor it" (my thoughts) by at least using the skin. I had planned to make it intro a guitar strap. Every so often I would get the skin out and look at it, but never wanted to make anything with it. I really did not want to use it as a guitar strap. What an indignant end to a magnificent animal, I remember thinking. Finally, one day I decided to bury the skin.

Other than biting insects (like mosquitoes), that was the last animal I ever killed. That was 1975, and I have been vegetarian since. It was actually out-of-character for me to have killed that snake. I have caught and released hundreds of snakes, (in my childhood and adolescence) and that was the only snake I had ever killed.

I'm not really sure if this story belongs in this thread or not. It is probably a better story than the one where my coked-up "friend" put a .45 up to my face and told me to leave his house. (I left.) I was pretty sure he wouldn't shoot me, as I has just been in his wedding as a groomsman a couple of weeks before. Aaaah, cocaine psychosis.

Dennis

[another bob]

Posted by Dennis Leahy (here)
I'm not really sure if this story belongs in this thread or not.

It is a great story, Dennis, and Thank you for sharing it with us!

Remember Folks, this thread is called "Blank Canvas" because it's here for all to share whatever it is we want to bring up to inspect, or get out, or create. It's meant especially for talking about our direct experiences, and how they have affected us, challenged us, or illuminated us on our journey.
Also, if we can delve down a bit below the surface and get a sense for what our core drivers, our prime motivators are, for our actions in the midst of powerful or peak experiences, all the better. If somone just wants to put up a favorite tune, great, but maybe also tie it in with their life, how does their poem, song, or story relate to where they are now, for example, or where they were at the time it most profoundly impacted them. Did it tie in with a first, lost love, and what was that like then, and what is it like now? That kind of thing I think would be appreciated, the stuff that makes us who we are, however we may be. It's all good, and this thread is offering the blank canvas for that expression. God loves a good story, and we are not separate from God. Enjoy!

[Jenci]

Posted by mariposafe (here)
Jesus, I've just reread my post and it's affected me quite deeply. I still have so much energy locked into that time, I thought I'd dealt with it all, obvioulsy not......

I am glad you shared it with us.


Jeanette

[Jenci]

Posted by another bob (here)

Posted by Jenci (here)
Took me much longer to get to the root cause of the codependancy which had always led me into needy, clingy relationships.

Thanks Jeanette!

What did you find when you got to the root?

I was going to reply and say “absolutely nothing” which is true in an absolute sense but I think that it may be worth fleshing out a bit as to what was discovered on the way to that.

The root was “Don’t reject me !!”

Really that is what is at the core of every single relationship I had and I don’t just mean relationships with men, I mean friends too, family and anyone I met really.

All my behaviour was driven by dependency and co-dependency.

My sense of self was built on what other people thought of me and I judged that people were either accepting me or rejecting me, there was never anything in between. If they were accepting me I was OK but if they were rejecting me, then it just confirmed what I knew deep inside that I was nothing and it devastated me.

None of the psychological techniques that I tried ever dealt with this sense of feeling like nothing and feeling like something was very wrong. I could look in the mirror and tell myself that I was OK, that I was beautiful, that I loved me and before I even looked away, that voice inside me said “You fat, ugly, f****** bitch, no wonder no one wants you”

So I went through life seeking acceptance and approval and love. It made me engage in all sort of unhealthy and destructive behaviours. I was the ‘doormat’, I was over apologetic, I would beg for forgiveness, I was the follower, I would do anything to people-please, I would put my life on hold while I waited for other people.........

Rejection didn't just manifest in the obvious ways like being cheated on but also in everyday situations. If I was with someone and they picked up their phone and began texting someone else or they turned away and began looking at something else going on, I was being rejected and it hurt right to the core of my being.

Of course at the time I didn't know why it was hurting, all I knew was that I had to do something to fix the pain and like an addict I went after the fix; anything just to stop the hurting even though in the long term it was much more destructive to me.

Discovering what was at the root of my behaviours took a lot of digging and pulling back layers. When something like this is driving a person at the core, a lot of the reaction to it is automatic. As I went digging into this, I brought all of it into greater awareness. In that awareness I would quite literally shift out of time and experience an event taking place in slow motion. I would watch someone do something and I would see and feel an instant contraction in my body as that need to avoid rejection would be triggered.

Before a thought would even arise, my body would automatically begin those habitual patterns of reacting. The thoughts would then begin in the mind which then just fed the process which had already begun automatically in the body.

Seeing it in slow motion I was able to unravel it back to its origin. Not believing the thoughts was not enough to stop the reactions though. It was like driving a car and taking your foot of the gas, the car still had some momentum. The body would still react in contraction as it was triggered.

Observing this process brought a new compassion for myself (and others) as I realised how very deep these issues lie within us and is no wonder that people get stuck with learned coping behaviours that many find that psychological help barely scratches the surface in dealing with it.

Looking at where I behaved in unhealthy ways to avoid rejection was easy but there was a much more insidious driver going on, hidden deeper. I always strived to behave in good, kind and thoughtful ways with other people but I was to discover these good deeds that I did were underpinned with exactly the same need not to be rejected.

In the AA Big Book there is a line on p61 which says “Is he really not a self-seeker even when trying to be kind?” I used this question as a tool to dig into this behaviour.

What I found was that even when I was being kind to people I was still seeking a sense of “self” out of the action. My sense of wellbeing was dependent on their reaction.

If I was out shopping and I held a door open for someone because I believed it was the right, kind thing to do, it would really piss me off if they didn’t say thank you. If I let a car out in front of me in traffic and they didn’t acknowledge what I had done, it would piss me off too. This type of thing really had the power to change my mood. I would tell myself it was because people were rude, ungrateful or just thoughtless but none of that was true.


What was really at the core of me being affected by other people’s behaviour was that I was being rejected and what was really driving my kindness to others was my need to not be rejected or to get a sense of self of being a needed person. I can’t say that looking at this aspect of myself was easy. Once I started to see it and became aware I saw the same motivation over and over again every time I did anything for anyone else.

I didn’t want to be self-seeking, I genuinely wanted to be kind, yet this driving force within me to avoid rejection was automatic. Seeing it for what it was, being totally honest with myself was really brutal. It sickened me to think that this is what I was doing but there was no more avoiding it anymore.

My dependency and co-dependency issues were based on rejection but not everyone’s manifests like this. During this process I went through of clearing out these habitual, automatic behaviours I was sent two people into my life that had exactly the opposite issues driving their dependency.

They couldn’t stand to have people need them and their sense of wellbeing was very much affected in that type of relationship. So I clung and they rejected. It was perfect for me and when you understand how this works at a soul level, you understand that there are no accidents in this coming together of people to create the ideal situation where buttons are pushed and behaviours triggered.

One of these people I was helping because they had asked me too. I was helping not just because they needed it but because I got a sense of self in being needed because it meant I was not being rejected. Over and over again they rejected me because they couldn’t bear me getting close to them. We danced this dance for quite some time and it did exactly what it needed to do for both of us.....perfect.

Anytime we derive our sense of self and wellbeing from another person or another object we will be affected by them when things change or we don’t get what we need. We literally give other people and things power - they have the power to change and control us - we will be OK if we are getting what we need from them or not OK if we are not.

The ultimate truth is we are never lacking and we don’t need to seek any sense of self anywhere outside of ourselves and the moment we do, we are not behaving in alignment with the truth and therefore the consequences are inevitable.

So why do we give the power to define what we are to other people and things? Because looking truly and deeply into what we are is painful and not easy, although worth it. When habitual and automatic responses and reactions are removed, only freedom remains.

Of course I am just making a summary here and there was a lot more to this process. Although avoidance of rejection was at the root of my issues there were other facets which were revealed in the unravelling process.

One of these was that in certain situations I would quite literally run away from people as far as I could get which seems on the surface to be strange considering it was important for me to be wanted but needing to be the victim was also a very important driver within me and the claim of “look at what they have done to me!” was a common theme through my life.


Jeanette

[Jenci]

Posted by Fred Steeves (here)
If I ever came home one day, found my wife raped and brutally murdered, and also found evidence left behind as to who did it, game on. In all calmness I would put my .45 in my waistband, go to the person's house, walk right in, put the gun to their head, and pull the trigger. Then I would lay the gun down, call 911 explaining briefly what had happened, go out to the driveway, sit down, and wait.

How do you know what you would do Fred?

What if you were in that type of situation and you felt an overwhelming feeling of compassion for the person who had to take a life in such an horrendous way?

If you say you know now how you would react in that type of situation, how could your Higher Self guide you in the moment? Would you push aside the intuition to follow what had been thought about prior to the event?

I'm not suggesting that our HS would always stop us being violent because I don't believe that is the case. A situation may arise where it is necessary. Personally all I can say is that I don't know what I would do in that type of situation. I am a blank canvas in that sense for right action to take place but if it did mean that I ended up in prison then that is something I would accept too.


Jeanette

[Jenci]

Posted by Mitzvah (here)
“It’s … recognizing that the whole issue of a self, personal or absolute, is a fantasy. Both the self and the Self are interpretations upon perception, and nothing more. And when the interpretation ends, thought ends. When all identity collapses, you abide in the unknown. There is no tendency left to fixate identity anywhere – even in a universal somewhere. So you are left resting in the mystery as the mystery. It is only then that you can be truly and absolutely free of all concerns.”

~ Adya


At nineteen I killed myself with an overdose of a drug, an anti-depressant called “Sinequan.” It had been prescribed for severe depression and suicidal tendencies, (prior cuttings and self-poisonings) .

I was staying in a seedy Sacramento motel, broke and ill and ready to give up. Having bought the apple juice, the kind that comes in a little apple-shaped bottle, and having acquired the pills, along with the sadness to end it all, I swallowed them, 100 – All.

One of the staff, a maid, came around to clean the room, saw the “Do Not Disturb” sign, heard sounds that were not right to her, so she entered the room with her master key. She found me and found me barely responsive and obviously in dire straits. An ambulance was called. I was hauled to the hospital and not in the nick of time, either.

I died.

On the ride to the hospital I recall that my body suffered the most agonizing indescribable contractions and spasms that a human could possibly fathom or endure. The body was obviously reacting adversely to the poisoning. Upon reaching the hospital, I lost consciousness entirely and awakened in the ICU. It was three days later.

I recalled immediately the experience of “dying” and what had “happened” while dead. There was the dark tunnel, accompanied with an incredible sense of speed, of traveling upward, outward, directions unknown, everywhere, somewhere ... all experienced as something indescribable in terms known to our human senses. A light world, endless, was “entered” into, and it seemed to be what I was always immersed in while this was happening. No me in form, no name even, just an I-ness, just my self that heard a “Voice” speaking to my “me-ness” of “hearing and listening.” Mind to mind. There was no conversation in the conventional sense.

The Voice said it was not my time, and said it amidst a Love energy, a compelling complete inconceivable Love that is totally unavailable for comparison to anything prior, or since. I was told that I had much more work to do in this lifetime, and that I would meet someone who would guide me and help me throughout my life. That came to pass within weeks of my return from death.

Obviously you were meant to be here, Mitzvah. Thanks for sharing your near death experience.


This happened when you were fairly young, did you ever have thoughts of suicide again?

Jeanette

[PurpleLama]

I will share an experience I had that was one of those that demonstrates to the one having it that things are not as they seem.  There is a bit of back story that I will save for later, focusing on on particular day, for now.  

It so happened, the first time I visited the home of my good buddy, whom I always refer to on the forum as "John the Baptist".  I'd taken along with me a half of a box of wine (yeah, the really cheap stuff, we called it the "kool-aid of wine").  

Upon arriving, I felt a strong sense of homecoming, never been here before physically, but I'd dreamed of the area before.  Setting foot in his yard, feeling like home, not knowing I'd be living there within the month.  

This was early May, 2001.  Well, the first order of business, put the wine in the refrigerator.  Then "John" and my old friend Dylan proceeded to show me around the place, first around the property outside, then all through the house, ending up in the "library" where "John" kept all his books and crystals and various objects of (funk) value.  

Finished with the tour, Dylan and I decided to get into the wine.  "John's" spouse had recently purchased a set of dishes with four place settings, and with these came four over sized coffee mugs, and we grabbed two of these and proceeded to fill 'em up.  I took one small sip as I walked across the living room and sat on one of the couches, and as soon as my butt hit the cushion, the front door opens.  Two of our friends came walking in the door, and one of them walks straight over to where I am seated, and shakes my hand, hey howyadoin, and when we finish our greetings I look down and realize my hands are empty.  

The nearest table is about four feet away, and the couch had no place to set the mug down, it's not on the floor, it's no where to be found.  A mug full of wine is just gone.  Poof.  

At this time, my friend's wife was out of state getting custody of her oldest son, and upon her return we were all interrogated repeatedly on the fate of said coffee mug.  She was really convinced that I had broken it, as I was the one with the bullsh!t story about what happened to it. 

A few more months go by, it's late August, and we are at my friend's shop where he used to build ultra light aircraft, which is maybe a 1/2 mile distance from the house, as the crow flies, but about 1 1/2 miles if you follow along the road.  I am inside the shop, and I hear my friend yelling my name, rather excitedly, which is out of character for him, so I think he's been bitten by a snake, or something, so I high tail it on out there.  

Behind the shop are several old broken down vehicles, one of which is an old mercedes.  The weeds right next to it are a little taller than the car itself, going out about a foot from it, which is how far away from it the bush hog (a mowing apparatus on the back of a tractor) would run.  

My friend is laughing, and says "go look in the back window of the mercedes" and lo and behold, laying on it's side in that back window is the now infamous missing mug.  It takes both of us to pry open the door just wide enough for me to wiggle my skinny butt up into the car to retrieve the mug from the window.  In the bottom of the mug was a red ring, where the last few drops of wine had dried prior to the mug being deposited there, where we would be sure to find it eventually.

I've have had many unexplainable things occur in my personal reality, but this one series of events is probably my most favorite.  

[Fred Steeves]

Posted by Fred Steeves (here)
If I ever came home one day, found my wife raped and brutally murdered, and also found evidence left behind as to who did it, game on. In all calmness I would put my .45 in my waistband, go to the person's house, walk right in, put the gun to their head, and pull the trigger. Then I would lay the gun down, call 911 explaining briefly what had happened, go out to the driveway, sit down, and wait.

Posted by Jenci (here)
How do you know what you would do Fred?

What if you were in that type of situation and you felt an overwhelming feeling of compassion for the person who had to take a life in such an horrendous way?

Well Jenci, I would feel compassion for the both of us actually. The way I reckon it anyway, there are just certain things that are not to be done to other people, and if you do anyway, there is likely to be a consequence. Just like if I decide to become a thief, and am breaking into people's houses, there will always be the possible consequence that I may get shot while doing so.

If you say you know now how you would react in that type of situation, how could
your Higher Self guide you in the moment? Would you push aside the intuition to
follow what had been thought about prior to the event?

Fair question, I don't know.

I'm not suggesting that our HS would always stop us being violent because I
don't believe that is the case. A situation may arise where it is necessary.
Personally all I can say is that I don't know what I would do in that type of
situation. I am a blank canvas in that sense for right action to take place but
if it did mean that I ended up in prison then that is something I would accept
too.

There seems to be a common theme developing here, that there is that one final look in someone's eyes, which offers us one last chance to consider our present action. Certainly there exists the possibility that the trigger might not be pulled. All things are possible, but that outcome would have to depend on a much higher version of Fred stepping forward, than the one who is writing these words.

Cheers

[PurpleLama]

Only once have I ever been tempted to extreme violence, on the night I caught my ex-wife with her art teacher, with whom she'd been having an affair. My HS did intervene, I think, as I was led in an instant across a field of probabilities, witnessing in detail all the potential circumstances that would possibly arise if I went through with my intent to show him why it's a very bad idea to go messing around with another man's wife. It all happened in a flash, his deer in headlights expression had not changed, and I simply turned around and got back in my car and went back to her mother's house. Since then, I would fully trust myself to carry a gun, and like Fred, I wouldn't have any problem using it for the, shall we say, right reasons, and not for those wrong reasons, the fits of passion, as it were.

[RunningDeer]

Ending of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=mCVdVocHe18

I've posted this before but for those that haven't seen it paints a clearer picture of what the vid represents.

I am 2nd oldest of 8 kids. I took on a lot of responsibility, and protected my siblings. But I chose to make a healthy life decision:

I moved out the day before my 18th birthday with a brown paper bag filled with my clothes and a couple of books. I hitch hiked to the next state over. Within a couple of weeks, I became the sole tenant of my sister’s apartment. It was enough time to find a job working third shift in a rubber mill. I registered for my last year of high school and settled into a brand new life.

No car, no license meant a lot of running home from school to catch some sleep before my 3rd shift job. Zip home for a shower and zip off to school. A couple of months into the job, I got laid off. I swallowed my pride and asked my Mom if I could borrow $100, and I’d pay her back $10 a week as soon as I found another job.

The employment agency sent me to a textile mill for an interview. As soon as the boss found out that I was still in high school, he said no. I told him that if given the chance I’d work for free for two weeks to show him how hard a worker I was. That Friday, I got my first paycheck of $54.

$54 dollars - $30 weekly rent - $10 Mom’s loan = $14 net for groceries and lunch money, and laundry mat, and the occasional “Drake's: Frosted Peanut Butter Creme Funny Bones”.

I was a millionaire.

Over time, I managed to save $100 and went to the dentist down the street. Dr. Lupien was his name. Mrs. Lupien, his wife, was the kind receptionist. I explained to her that I saved up $100 dollars, and would like to make an appointment for $100 worth of work. I was there for at least several hours. Yippie for my one and only experience with gas. As an 18 year old, I had no idea of cost. But I knew they, along with others, were some mighty Angels, I’ve met along the way. I am grateful for All.

I am a millionaire.

What I was back then, I didn’t have the words, or awareness. I was just someone that on some level knew life worked in the direction one sets for herself. No question. No doubt.

[Jenci]

Posted by PurpleLama (here)
The nearest table is about four feet away, and the couch had no place to set the mug down, it's not on the floor, it's no where to be found.  A mug full of wine is just gone.  Poof.  

 

Nothing strange about that, it used to happen to me all the time.

Sorry, couldn't resist the alcoholic joke.

Very strange story, Purple Lama, thanks for posting and I don't doubt that have quite a few of these tales to tell.
Jeanette

[HURRITT ENYETO]

This is another story from my youth LOL (I wasn't going to post this as I've already related one dark experience on this thread, and i don't want to drag it down LOL but I was encouraged to do so, so here ya go)

When I was younger, about 19 probably, I had a close friend nicknamed 'Bellie' he was older than me, a mechanic. He had just bought an Astra GTE car (which at the time was a cool car LOL) and as he was a mechanic, he had suped it up even further. It was very fast. Anyhow,one day I was walking down to his house as I knew he had put his new base tubes and audio stuff in, and wanted to see how it had gone. I got to his house, and the car wasn't in the drive, but I knew his girlfriend too, and so knocked on the door anyway, no answer.

So I left and started back on my way home, I got about half way home, and a car screeched up beside me, it was Bellie, and another lad whom i didn't know, was sat in the passenger seat, i told him i had been looking for him etc and he said he had been out with his mate, taking him for a spin showing off his car. He said 'get in then'.........I had been looking for him for precisely this reason, but a voice inside my head said 'NO'.....I said, nah I'll catch up with you later mate, I have to go home, he said 'come on man get in the car' I said no, im going home, they were taunting me etc to get in the car, (by this time it was getting uncomfortable, I had been in the car many times, i had no reason not to get in the car) but for some reason, i steadfastly refused.

In the end they said 'ok, give me a knock later then' I said no worries, and they accelerated away very quickly. I went on my way home wondering why the hell i had just done that? I didn't want to go home, i had been in all day, and that's why i went out to Bellie's house in the first place? I half regretted not getting in the car.

I went to my best friends house instead as it was on my way home. For whatever reason, i never ended up going back to Bellies house later that night as he had asked, but the next day i called round.
His girlfriend whom he shared the house with answered the door, she was crying her eyes out and looked aweful, I said 'whats up'.........Bellie's dead she screamed, collapsing in the door way. I didnt know what to do, but i tried to comfort her the best i could, I was devastated, he was one of my buddies, but here was his girlfriend, the mother of his 5 year old daughter, in peices. Eventually i got a coherant picture of what had happened. Straight after i had saw them, they went to some country lanes quite a way away, where Bellie had grown up. They had crashed head on at very high speed into a tree.

Bellie died instantly, and his friend was on life support in a bad way, he died the next day. On the way to the funeral, (he was being buried in his home town) we drove past the tree they had crashed in to (which i will never understand why we went on that route, i thought it incredibly callous) they had impacted the tree with such velocity, that shards of the windscreen were still embedded for all to see in the tree trunk.

I carried his coffin that day, and put him in the ground. I still think about him, and wonder if he's looking down on me, and probably laughing
I will never know why I didn't get in that car that day, But if i had, i wouldn't be here writing this now.
Who knows, maybe i had someone looking down on me that day.




Hurritt