Blank Canvas

[Fred Steeves]

Yeah, someone who goes through what Paula went through with Michael's death, and manages to pop out the other side in one piece, has my utmost respect. By the time I was in my mid twenties, I was getting a fairly good idea of the kind of person I might confide something in, or ask advice of, and it was just such a person as Paula. If I'm going through some s**t, and need to talk to someone about it, I want it to be someone who's been there themselves, in the s**t. Not some youngun who may have just framed their psychology degree and hung it on the office wall, or fresh out of some place like The Moody Bible Institute.

No, I want to be able to look in their eyes, and "see" that they know of what they speak, up close and personal like.

Paula, you're a beautiful and powerful soul, thank you!
Fred

[CdnSirian]

Posted by Fred Steeves (here)
Yeah, someone who goes through what Paula went through with Michael's death, and manages to pop out the other side in one piece, has my utmost respect. By the time I was in my mid twenties, I was getting a fairly good idea of the kind of person I might confide something in, or ask advice of, and it was just such a person as Paula. If I'm going through some s**t, and need to talk to someone about it, I want it to be someone who's been there themselves, in the s**t. Not some youngun who may have just framed their psychology degree and hung it on the office wall, or fresh out of some place like The Moody Bible Institute.

No, I want to be able to look in their eyes, and "see" that they know of what they speak, up close and personal like.

Paula, you're a beautiful and powerful soul, thank you!
Fred

Ditto.

This thread is amazing. I have just finished reading it all....my bad habit is getting absorbed and not thanking as I go, except maybe a couple. But, belatedly, equal and deep felt thanks to all above.

Jenci, I understand your experience. I'm not yet good at writing about my own.

[PurpleLama]

Love me some Paula.

[Mitzvah]

Posted by Jenci (here)

Posted by Mitzvah (here)
“It’s … recognizing that the whole issue of a self, personal or absolute, is a fantasy. Both the self and the Self are interpretations upon perception, and nothing more. And when the interpretation ends, thought ends. When all identity collapses, you abide in the unknown. There is no tendency left to fixate identity anywhere – even in a universal somewhere. So you are left resting in the mystery as the mystery. It is only then that you can be truly and absolutely free of all concerns.”

~ Adya


At nineteen I killed myself with an overdose of a drug, an anti-depressant called “Sinequan.” It had been prescribed for severe depression and suicidal tendencies, (prior cuttings and self-poisonings) .

I was staying in a seedy Sacramento motel, broke and ill and ready to give up. Having bought the apple juice, the kind that comes in a little apple-shaped bottle, and having acquired the pills, along with the sadness to end it all, I swallowed them, 100 – All.

One of the staff, a maid, came around to clean the room, saw the “Do Not Disturb” sign, heard sounds that were not right to her, so she entered the room with her master key. She found me and found me barely responsive and obviously in dire straits. An ambulance was called. I was hauled to the hospital and not in the nick of time, either.

I died.

On the ride to the hospital I recall that my body suffered the most agonizing indescribable contractions and spasms that a human could possibly fathom or endure. The body was obviously reacting adversely to the poisoning. Upon reaching the hospital, I lost consciousness entirely and awakened in the ICU. It was three days later.

I recalled immediately the experience of “dying” and what had “happened” while dead. There was the dark tunnel, accompanied with an incredible sense of speed, of traveling upward, outward, directions unknown, everywhere, somewhere ... all experienced as something indescribable in terms known to our human senses. A light world, endless, was “entered” into, and it seemed to be what I was always immersed in while this was happening. No me in form, no name even, just an I-ness, just my self that heard a “Voice” speaking to my “me-ness” of “hearing and listening.” Mind to mind. There was no conversation in the conventional sense.

The Voice said it was not my time, and said it amidst a Love energy, a compelling complete inconceivable Love that is totally unavailable for comparison to anything prior, or since. I was told that I had much more work to do in this lifetime, and that I would meet someone who would guide me and help me throughout my life. That came to pass within weeks of my return from death.

Obviously you were meant to be here, Mitzvah. Thanks for sharing your near death experience.


This happened when you were fairly young, did you ever have thoughts of suicide again?

Jeanette

Unfortunately, yes, I did have thoughts of suicide, and attempts were made several more times. The times that followed the first suicide attempt, they were all more a 'cry for help,' a deadly dangerous cry for help, but I didn't actually want to die those times. I realized even then that I just wanted help, wanted it to be noticed and acted upon that I was in pain and suffering so greatly. I always take the threats of suicides by others completely seriously, because even if they don't truly want to die, sometimes they accidently kill themselves. Realizing that I didn't want to truly really die, I did for a time, become a 'cutter.' We've come so far, haven't we, in our journey here on this earth.

[1inMany]

Wow, Fred, what an awesome thread! Thank you all for sharing so much. Maybe I can put together a coherent share or two Will when I can, but until then, really enjoying this!

Much Love,

[RunningDeer]

[another bob]

Posted by Jenci (here)
Anytime we derive our sense of self and wellbeing from another person or another object we will be affected by them when things change or we don’t get what we need. We literally give other people and things power - they have the power to change and control us - we will be OK if we are getting what we need from them or not OK if we are not.

The ultimate truth is we are never lacking and we don’t need to seek any sense of self anywhere outside of ourselves and the moment we do, we are not behaving in alignment with the truth and therefore the consequences are inevitable.

You have given us more than I could have hoped, in this answer, Jen! Thank you so much for digging so deeply into the primal motivation, there is much to ponder for each of us in this, and you laid it out simply but eloquently. That you came to such recognition and self-knowledge is a testament to your courage and persistence. The kind of inquiry you pursued is really the only antidote to the self-delusion, the contraction at the core, or root.

The Game of Rejection is pervasive, implicating just about all of us. I wrote a bit about it

https://projectavalon.net/forum4/show...e-of-Rejection

but you have really put flesh on those conceptual bones, and I am really grateful that you took the time and effort to share your journey to self-knowledge here with all of us. A true service!

Bless you, Sister!

[Fred Steeves]

Posted by Mitzvah (here)

I always take the threats of suicides by others completely seriously, because even if they don't truly want to die, sometimes they accidently kill themselves.

Having never had the first suicidal thought, hopefully I'n not speaking out of place here. But, from what I have gathered over the years, people who are truly suicidal don't generally talk or brag about it, they just do it.

I had a (former, long story) friend who for years on end would start blabbing after a few drinks, about how miserable his entire existance has been, from the very get go, and how he's just waiting for the right time, or the right excuse, to finally off himself. I had really gotten tired of hearing this over time, and then one night he and his wife were over for the evening and dinner.

In he starts: "Oh poor me, I'm just gonna end it all one of these days soon, and have this poor miserable life over with once and for all". "That's it" I thought to myself. "Enough!". I went and unzipped the old pistola from it's pouch, handed it to him, and demanded: "Here, let me help you. Go out in the back yard and f*****g do it then, I'm sick of hearing your poor me suicide bulls**t!"

Make no mistake. This is by no means how I would ordinarily handle that type of situation, but I felt I knew the man well enough, and that this might just make him think about what he's saying a bit more consciously.

He became very sheepish, like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar. He quickly handed the gun back to me, changed the subject, and I never heard him mention suicide again.

[sleepy]

Thank You

Thank you to everyone for these beautifully sorrowful stories. I have read every one and I think you are all so very brave to bare your souls.

I don’t have a story, well I have many stories but I am not as brave as all of you. Maybe I will find some courage and share. I am just not there yet. I hope that is o.k.

Since this is the blank canvas thread I want to share the reason I don’t use the “Thank you” button that often. I don’t like it. I believe that I have seen it being abused. People use it to admonish posters, or pick a side if you will, when there is turmoil. There are often, as we have all seen, perceived or real slights, call outs, and disagreements on the forum and I have seen the “thank you” button used to pick a side. I feel like it used to say, Thanks for telling that poster they just don’t get it. This has actually been done to me in a post when I had no bad intentions whatsoever and said absolutely nothing derogatory to anyone. And if it wasn’t enough that someone called me out on what they perceived to be wrong, along comes the thank you brigade. I find it used as a tool to divide. If something moves me, like this thread, it really has moved me; I feel the need to take a moment and properly thank you for it. So thank you.

Thank you to me is an expression of gratitude. I don’t believe it should be used to divide, pick a side, admonish, or as a popularity contest. These of course are my humble opinions but it felt safe to share them here and I do thank you all for your posts from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you for reading.

sleepy

[another bob]

Posted by PurpleLama (here)
I will share an experience I had that was one of those that demonstrates to the one having it that things are not as they seem.....I've have had many unexplainable things occur in my personal reality, but this one series of events is probably my most favorite.  

Whoah, Brother -- that's a doozy! I've had a few of those, and the only conclusion I've come to is that it's the Mystery reminding us that, just behind our fabricated certainty, lies the vast Unknown, the Mystery itself, from which we've emerged, in which we inhere, and to which we return, and sometimes, it just likes to play with us overtly, to shake our smug sense of "reality", and remind us of what's really What.

There's a thread in the archives here that details some other strage experiences:

https://projectavalon.net/forum4/show...est-Experience


Thanks so much for sharing that story, PL!

Blessings!

[another bob]

Posted by WhiteCrowBlackDeer (here)
What I was back then, I didn’t have the words, or awareness. I was just someone that on some level knew life worked in the direction one sets for herself. No question. No doubt.

Sound like your instincts were pure and true, Paula, and you followed them to a wonderful level of self-awareness! Thanks so much for that look at your early start!

Blessings!

[another bob]

Posted by HURRITT ENYETO (here)
I will never know why I didn't get in that car that day, But if i had, i wouldn't be here writing this now.
Who knows, maybe i had someone looking down on me that day.

My understanding is that we come here with an expiration date, and until that date comes up, we are here, regardless of how the world turns. We also have Guides, who are actively involved in our script, and who will step in as warranted, as happened on that day, Brother. When we hear of apparently miraculous survival tales, like the baby in a hurricane found alive, etc., we can recognize that it simply was not their expiration date yet. I can relate personally, having survived a car crash that should have killed me, but instead granted me a look behind the curtain, but that's for another story.

Thanks for sharing yours, my Friend!

Blessings!

[Fred Steeves]

Posted by another bob (here)

Posted by HURRITT ENYETO (here)
I will never know why I didn't get in that car that day, But if i had, i wouldn't be here writing this now.
Who knows, maybe i had someone looking down on me that day.

My understanding is that we come here with an expiration date, and until that date comes up, we are here, regardless of how the world turns. We also have Guides, who are actively involved in our script, and who will step in as warranted, as happened on that day, Brother. When we hear of apparently miraculous survival tales, like the baby in a hurricane found alive, etc., we can recognize that it simply was not their expiration date yet. I can relate personally, having survived a car crash that should have killed me, but instead granted me a look behind the curtain, but that's for another story.

Thanks for sharing yours, my Friend!

Blessings!

That's for sure Bob. There's been 5 different times I should have been immediately dispatched out of this incarnation. And yet...



I'd like to hear about yours.

[WhiteFeather]

Posted by Fred Steeves (here)

Posted by WhiteFeather (here)
Interesting Fred and thanks for sharing this with us. ButI have a question..... if i may. Did this experience change the way you may possibly face possible altercations/confrontations in the future. A learning curve perhaps. It did for me when i furiously punched my 21 year old daughter in the mouth and nearly knocking out her 2 front teeth after she taunted me for several hrs.. This is why i asked. Learning to control/cope with anger. And I think im learning it. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth.

Hi WhiteFeather, good question my friend. Yes, it did change the way I view altercations/confrontations. I have what I could call a leash on that part of myself now, like a dog, now that I know it's there. It's a happy dog, much prefers to mind it's own business just sniffing around, and is great with kids, But it's also got a purpose, it's a watch dog. On extremely rare occasion, it sees something that surpasses some invisible line on the acceptability scale, and it demands some extra leash. It won't attack anyone unless attacked, but when it bares it's teeth the message is crystal clear, "back off". It seems to work very well.

What happened with your daughter, are you two good? How would you handle that same situation today?

We understand and love one another unconditionally since this altercation. A lessen well learned for both parties. Thanks for asking Fred.

[another bob]

Posted by Fred Steeves (here)
There's been 5 different times I should have been immediately dispatched out of this incarnation. And yet...

Would love to hear those stories, Fred! I have a few too, going back to the early days. In fact, I was told that I was a challenge right from the start. My mother had a problem with my delivery, and apparently I was not expected to live. She told me that all the medical staff considered me a miracle baby to have survived. She credited the positive outcome to some Catholic saint with whom she was on favorable terms at the time, and to whom she promised to swear off candy for life if he would intervene. Candy was her favorite treat, apparently, though I never saw her eat a piece, due to the deal she felt she had struck across the veil. Personally, I have never cared for sweets either, though Mazie has gradually got me to re-consider the benefits of fine home-made chocolate.

[Lettherebelight]

Hi sleepy, I was going to click on the thank you button, but then thought...maybe not!

I connected with your heartfelt thanks to all that are bravely sharing experiences. painful as they are...we are all the richer for sharing them, because then we all share the lesson.

I am sure there are many in Avalon who also feel the same way, not ready to share openly about these life experiences. Please forgive me to be another such one, I have had painful life experiences too, but my moon in Scorpio makes it very difficult to open up in this way...

Nevertheless...I will press the thank you button for all those sharing, because in their telling I feel healed as well.
So echoing your thanks to everyone, sleepy, and thanking you, too.

[sleepy]

Lettherebelight,

I don't often use the thank you button but I do on occasion. Yes, in their telling I feel healed as well.

With gratitude,
sleepy

[PurpleLama]

That same night that the mug went missing, my friend and I rode in his car to go feed another friend's dogs, about a 45 minute drive and it was around midnight. We were talking about all the usual stuff, ufos, conspiracies, our weird awarenesses, and while he was making some serious point that I can't remember, and everything started getting fuzzy and buzzy, sort of like what happens when you stand up too fast. Everything goes black, then in the blackness I see these cat eyes flash, not kitty cat, big cat, an instant after the eyes flash in the darkness I see the black on black outline of the puma. The darkness fades, and in the midst of the fuzzy, buzzy return to the moment there in the car, this incredible feeling of joy overtakes me, so that my first action upon resuming control of the body is to bust up laughing, to which my friend seriously replies "You can laugh if you will, but..." and I cut off his gesture with my own, laughing and waving my hand, I explain to him what happened. Still very serious, he replies "we need to draw your totem when we get back. Long story short, we return and proceed to use his deck of medicine cards to draw my totem, and the last card you draw is the spirit guide on the left, the feminine guide and mine is Black Panther, which in the medicine means Mystery. He gifted me with his deck years later, and that very same card sits on the left on one of the altar spaces in the house.

Posted by another bob (here)

Posted by PurpleLama (here)
I will share an experience I had that was one of those that demonstrates to the one having it that things are not as they seem.....I've have had many unexplainable things occur in my personal reality, but this one series of events is probably my most favorite.  

Whoah, Brother -- that's a doozy! I've had a few of those, and the only conclusion I've come to is that it's the Mystery reminding us that, just behind our fabricated certainty, lies the vast Unknown, the Mystery itself, from which we've emerged, in which we inhere, and to which we return, and sometimes, it just likes to play with us overtly, to shake our smug sense of "reality", and remind us of what's really What.

There's a thread in the archives here that details some other strage experiences:

https://projectavalon.net/forum4/show...est-Experience


Thanks so much for sharing that story, PL!

Blessings!

[Jenci]

Posted by CdnSirian (here)
Jenci, I understand your experience. I'm not yet good at writing about my own.

Well I hope that you do write about your own when you feel ready.


Jeanette

[RunningDeer]

Posted by Mitzvah (here)
Unfortunately, yes, I did have thoughts of suicide, and attempts were made several more times. The times that followed the first suicide attempt, they were all more a 'cry for help,' a deadly dangerous cry for help, but I didn't actually want to die those times. I realized even then that I just wanted help, wanted it to be noticed and acted upon that I was in pain and suffering so greatly. I always take the threats of suicides by others completely seriously, because even if they don't truly want to die, sometimes they accidently kill themselves. Realizing that I didn't want to truly really die, I did for a time, become a 'cutter.' We've come so far, haven't we, in our journey here on this earth.

"I always take the threats of suicides by others completely seriously, because even if they don't truly want to die, sometimes they accidently kill themselves."

Hello Mitzvah,

I’ve experienced suicidal thoughts when my son passed. I had an elaborate plan with lots of fail-safes for it to be a success. It took months to figure it all out. Yet, I was aware there were two people talking; one mega-responsible, the other in pain.

So one last time, I dressed. The plan was a trip to my favorite book store and then end the pain. My ex-hubby happened to stop by to see how I was doing. Up to that point, I’d put on a cheery front. There was no point to pull anyone into the place I had taken up residence. Beside, it was too exhausting to go into it.

This time I was honest. I said, “I don’t think I’m going to make it. I had no labels, wife, mother; no feelings of a friend, or a sister.” Whatever words he said, the one’s in my head just drowned them out. I told him I loved him and kissed him good-bye. He asked where I was going. Bookstore.

One of my brothers happen to pop in the bookstore. He said my ex-hubby called him, and that my other brother and a sister were on their way. I was admitted into the hospital for a three day suicide watch, put on meds and I committed to long term counseling.

But for this last year, I had been experiencing something different. There was no need to be here any longer. Not a depression, just no purpose. Blank canvas of a different kind. There’s no concept in or beliefs of karma, or religion, or sense of duty to another. Only reason for staying was Wolfie, my dog. (as silly as that sounds, to some not)

So with that understanding, an inner knowing just came to be. There’s more. It’s birthing. Like Christmas morning, I like not knowing. I like the surprise of what comes up at the strangest times and the strangest discoveries. I’m like a kid again with full-on discovery of the journey. There’s great power and freedom in letting go of the control. Higher Self & 'the me'.

Thank you, Mitzvah, for creating the space for me to share this. I agree with Jeanette, “Obviously you were meant to be here.”

Peace,
Paula