Blank Canvas

[PurpleLama]

I'll recount my own experiences with suicide at some point, as well. To much to type, at the moment, and work, however impeded, must intervene for now. The materials have just arrived for a big rush job, so, hi ho, hi ho....

[Fred Steeves]

Posted by another bob (here)

Posted by Fred Steeves (here)
There's been 5 different times I should have been immediately dispatched out of this incarnation. And yet...

Would love to hear those stories, Fred!

I'll spare the details, just that one was from slipping down the face of a fifty foot cliff, one while skydiving, one while working on the roof on a construction site, and two in single car accidents. Each time, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt I was experiencing the final few seconds of life, and each time I experienced the feeling that washes over a person in that sacred moment. You know, the one that says: "It's o.k., it's over now. So this is how it ends huh?"

I just wanted to piggyback on what you were saying about how we don't leave here until we're supposed to. Well that's for sure Bob, and no power on this earth can alter that.

Cheers,
Fred

[another bob]

Posted by Fred Steeves (here)
I'll spare the details, just that one was from slipping down the face of a fifty foot cliff....

Ah, OK, I can definitely relate to that one .....

Returning south to San Francisco after a 6-month stint as a grateful hermit in the Sierras in 1970, my heart tugged me over to the Pacific coastline, where I eventually found myself leisurely touring along the supernaturally splendid Coastal Highway 1.

By the time I had reached the mouth of the Russian River it was late afternoon, and although the shoreline was rather socked in by a coastal fog, I decided to attempt a climb down the steep cliffs leading to the beach.

What moved me to challenge the elemental fates on that day I cannot recall, but the time-tested refrain, “It seemed like a good idea at the time...” could probably be inserted here.

I was about halfway down the side of the cliff wall when I realized I was in a bit of a predicament. I could proceed no further in my descent, since there was no apparent footing. However, I had managed to reach a point that made any ascending retreat equally unviable.

As I grimly pondered the situation, I was suddenly startled: a madly barking, drool-slathered German Shepherd (dog) at the foot of the cliff below was focusing an unaccountable rage in my direction. We were the only two creatures on the foggy beach that day, it was getting dark, and a chill damp wind was now sweeping fiercely up the cliff face.

I was losing my footing on the rock indentation where I had temporarily perched. It was starting to crumble and I had to pee -- real bad. The wind began to amp into a shriek. The insane dog's barking blended with the voice of the wind, becoming even more hostile and incessant. My heart felt like it was going to join my bladder in some volcanic activity. Time seemed frozen, and the experience now seemed to loom as a defining moment for me.

Many have experienced this at some point in life - the psycho-physiological matrix of fear that cannot be casually swept aside by the comforting little lies we tell ourselves. All the little internal chattering narrative that we perpetually indulge runs smack into the unavoidable maw of clear and present breathless reality. First come the impotent curses, then the cold sweat panic, then the hallucinatory spree of mind in overwhelm, and then...

For a brief eternal instant the setting sun on the Pacific horizon peeked out below the cloud cover, and quickly spread its gorgeous illumination along the underbelly of the now transfigured blanket, and what a sight it was - the most riotously effulgent sunset I had ever seen!

Tears poured involuntarily down my cheeks - the imminent danger completely forgotten in the glory of the scene.

Just then a seagull, white, with ribbons of gray tapering down its wingspan, soared in a kind of lazy slow motion directly into my line of sight, and the wonder of its gliding aero-dynamism simply stopped my mind!

It was as if I had never really seen this before or, to be more precise – it was as if I was seeing it for the very first time once again - as I had when I was baby, with no words to limit it, no concepts to bind it to the mind's dusty library of accumulated associations.

I Was this Wonder! All of it was me - free and utterly perfect just as it is - no past or future or any sense of time at all - just This! Here! Now!

My heart fell to peace. In this way, the world came to peace, to rest. And now I noticed my body almost floating down the side of the cliff. There was no calculation involved at all in the descent. I am sure, if you were an observer, you would have seen, in the dusky twilight, a rather remarkable feat of rock climbing!

When I alighted on the beach, the now-transformed dog came and snuggled its body against mine -- we knew -- and together we ambled off along the sand into the darkness, empty and full, two children of the Majesty.

[sleepy]

I don't have a story but a confession:

I am not enlightened. I have no recollection of any past lives. I have never traveled outside my body. (I don’t even like flying in planes). When I read Carmody’s posts, half of the time I don’t understand them. I have tried meditating only to find myself aware of the refrigerator humming or the clock ticking and I have never been connected to “the one,” “the universe” or whatever it is I am supposed to connect with. I have instincts but I am not psychic and often I find myself to be bad judge of character. I have never met an alien and I have never seen a UFO. I have never seen anyone turn into a lizard. I hear there are 11 dimensions but I have never been to parallel universe and I am probably pretty 3D. Sometimes I think others aren’t as enlightened as they think they are or they wouldn’t be so mean. I didn’t know I had an ego body but if I do I hope it is in better shape than me.

I do believe we are all connected and that much of this enlightenment stuff is just another way of saying love yourselves so you can love others.
In some ways I believe I am awake but at times reading in this forum I feel very sleepy.

[Arrowwind]

Pandora’s Box

Paula’s experience spurred this writing. It’s not a commentary on her words in any way
but only a reflection it stirred within myself
within my own hall of mirrors.

The experience of Death is the most profound of all our teachers. It is the most feared and the most respected. The most dreaded and the most celebrated, right next to birth in its impact and importance. I’ve never had the challenge of facing the death of one of my children and even writing these words brings a sense of trepidation. Because I have been so intimate with death and those who are walking the death walk I have examined many possibilities for my own, but also for my children and it is my most dreaded fear, beyond my own, beyond my husbands, beyond all else and fierce enough if unchecked could wreak havoc with the world. Regardless, I’m pretty good at stuffing it in a box and ignoring it. There is no therapy, no psychological perspective, no self realization, no letting go that can resolve or remove it. It feels ingrained into each cell of my body, visceral, palpable, when I allow myself to entertain the thoughts and the only place I've found to keep this fear in control is within a tightly sealed box.

Like the pandora’s box, I keep it well hidden, away from strangers, and most of all away from my children. In effort to protect their innocence and fearlessness they will never know about its presence and I think I am doing what countless mothers do. Keeping the stiff upper lip and the perpetual smile on as they go through the escapades of life. No one knows about this box,except me.

Why is it that one should have such fears, locked in a box? Is it normal orcrazy? I tend to think that that countlessmothers carry these fears... repressed, hidden, covered with platitudes of lifeand living. I know this box became very real for me the day our neighbors son,two doors down, was blown away on his front porch in a racially motivated driveby shooting. My own children were both under five years old at the time. Theirswas just becoming a young man, at 20. I SAW clearly just how vile the world could be and how that vileness could turn on you or anyone in a split second, without warning, without mercy, without even a fleeting thought towards the beauty and wonder of life it destroys.

Why did this happen? Will it happen to us? To my child? The only answer I could come up with, was yes, in this world, it could happen, at any second. Be ready, but most of all live life without fear for if you don’t each day is stolen from you, and the shadow of death has already taken the very best away... so I keep things locked in a box, deep within, and live each day like that box does not even exist. I hope to die with it unopened, unrevealed and untouched by the experiences of this life. I hope to never need such hope for survival and healing… that kind of hope that intrinsically comes with our sealed box.

These boxes come into our lives in many ways. I don’t think I was born with mine. It seems like it was acquired, that it came with the territory of living, agift of experience, born out of observation of reality. Mine came from a driveby shooting. Other mothers, they get their box in other ways. Some inherit them from their own mothers, seeing the death of a sibling, worries and fears regarding disease and accidents and falls, and so many things that can steal a child or any loved one for that matter. All the potential realities of death seem senseless and even endless, all of them are sudden and shocking, even if well known in advance. In my work I’ve been able to peer into many a mother’sbox as they have dealt with it blowing open in their faces. On these days I have gone home and thanked god, thanked the universe, thanked all the powers that be in my circle of self that it was not me and mine…at least not today andI have grieved for those who’s day it was, which is in reality a grieving for oneself within our interconnected humanity.

It is always someone’s day and we must remember that lest we become too complacent and too trusting and too confident in life. We must be ready forthat box to fly open and know that we will somehow survive it. Our inate ability to survive, it seems, is the only power we really have to endure and still the healing takes much longer than the mere survival, but in time we can close and hide the box once more and live life in the sun, and pretend to forget for a time that death and its minions are stalking us all.

From Wiki:

“In classical Greek mythology,Pandora was the first woman on Earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship,to create her, so he did—using water and Earth.[4] The gods endowed her with many gifts: Athenaclothed her, Aphrodite gave her beauty, and Hermes gave her speech.

When Prometheus stole fire fromheaven, Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Epimetheus, Prometheus'brother. With her, Pandora was given a beautiful container which she was not toopen under any circumstance. Impelled by her curiosity given to her by the gods,Pandora opened it, and all evil contained therein escaped and spread over theearth. She hastened to close the container, but the whole contents had escaped,except for one thing that lay at the bottom, which was the Spirit of Hope namedElpis. Pandora was deeply saddened by what she had done, and was afraid that she would have to face Zeus' wrath, since she had failed her duty; however,Zeus did not punish Pandora, because he knew this would happen.”

[another bob]

Posted by sleepy (here)
In some ways I believe I am awake but at times reading in this forum I feel very sleepy.

I hear ya, Sleepy! I often feel like taking a nap after reading, LOL!

Actually, someone once said that there are no enlightened people, there is only enlightened behavior, and that makes a lot of sense, as does what you say about loving and being loved. Experiences (high, low, and in between) are temporary, and they are often interpreted by the experiencer based on filters that have been programmed into them by someone else, so they are not the truth by any means, and the more we try to seek experiences in order to fill some gap, the wider the gap grows. I'd say you are on the right track, but that's not even for me to say. You are your own best judge in that respect. Thanks for sharing your take!

Blessings!

[another bob]

Posted by Arrowwind (here)
It is always someone’s day and we must remember that lest we become too complacent and too trusting and too confident in life. We must be ready forthat box to fly open and know that we will somehow survive it. Our inate ability to survive, it seems, is the only power we really have to endure and still the healing takes much longer than the mere survival, but in time we can close and hide the box once more and live life in the sun, and pretend to forget for a time that death and its minions are stalking us all.

Great post, Sister!

Reminds me of this, from Castaneda's Journey to Ixtlan:

Don Juan: "Think of your death now. It is at arm's length. It may tap you any moment, so really you have no time for crappy thoughts and moods. None of us have time for that. The only thing that counts is action, acting instead of talking. When a man decides to do something he must go all the way, but he must take responsibility for what he does. No matter what he does, he must know first why he is doing it, and then he must proceed with his actions without having doubts or remorse about them. Look at me, I have no doubts or remorse. Everything I do is my decision and my responsibility. The simplest thing I do, to take you for a walk in the desert for instance, may very well mean my death. Death is stalking me. Therefore, I have no room for doubts or remorse. If I have to die as a result of taking you for a walk, then I must die. You on the other hand, feel that you are immortal, and the decisions of an immortal man can be cancelled or regretted or doubted. In a world where death is the hunter, my friend, there is not time for regrets or doubts. There is only time for decisions. When you get angry you always feel righteous. You have been complaining all your life because you don't assume responsibility for your decisions. To assume the responsibility of one's decisions means that one is ready to die for them. It doesn't matter what the decision is. Nothing could be more or less serious than anything else. In a world where death is the hunter there are no small or big decisions. There are only decisions that we make in the face of our inevitable death."

[NancyV]

This is a story about rape with a twist. There have been several times that I’ve been kidnapped, raped, held as a prisoner for a while, but in this story I had a choice to be raped or not to be raped. I chose to agree to it, strangely enough! LOL…

My sister’s husband was arrested in the Mexico City airport for having a few pounds of cocaine he was bringing back to the US from Colombia. This was probably in about 1975, can’t remember exactly. He was in the worst Federal prison in Mexico City, Lecumberri. I went down to see if I could somehow get him out. A boyfriend/lover of mine was the personal pilot to the President of Mexico, a military man. He thought he might be able to help. As it turned out he did eventually help influence the President to agree to a prisoner exchange where my brother-in-law was returned to the US in that exchange, but that was in 1977, about a year or 2 after this incident. Just found a story about the prisoner exchange: http://www.chron.com/CDA/archives/ar...uring-70s.html

This Mexican prison was interesting in that prisoners could buy just about anything they wanted, prostitutes came in every day, you could get any kind of food, tv’s, clothing, whatever. Actually the prisoners had their own locks for the barred doors and they locked themselves in so they would be safe from other prisoners at night. There were quite a few wealthy inmates at this time, many of them were political prisoners and many were from the drug cartels. There were several different hierarchies, the two main ones being the political and drug types. Each group had many members and the leaders could buy anything they wanted, either with money or threats and occasional wars and killings. They definitely had all the guards bought and paid for.

When I first went into the prison to visit John, my brother-in-law, he started introducing me to different prisoners and showing me around. It was fascinating but little did I realize that I would draw the attention of the two most powerful leaders of the drug and political gangs. On the 3rd day of my visit John asked me if I would be willing to talk with the leader of the political prisoners. Of course I said yes since I knew it would be better for him if I did. I really liked this man. He had been thrown in jail because his politics conflicted with the President. He was an extremely cultured and wealthy gentleman and Mexican gentlemen are a rare breed. But he was still a man and he wanted me. He told me he could help protect John. I thought it over, quickly, and decided it would be a good idea for me to be very “nice” to this man. So I gave him a great time, happily. I liked him and he needed love, which I am good at giving. So he not only got sex, he got love. It really affected him and he wanted to support me in style in Mexico City so I could come in to visit him often. I had a good excuse why this wouldn’t work out for me and he understood.

The next day I was walking into the prison to visit John and as I entered the common area two men came up to me and one on each side they took an arm and told me someone wanted to talk with me. They “escorted” me to a cell that was the abode of the leader of the nasty drug gang. He was such a character, almost a caricature of some bizarre fantasy! He wore fancy boots and clothes and sort of pranced around. I got the impression that he was homosexual but soon found out that he was bi-sexual. Yes, he also wanted me! His method was to threaten my brother-in-law. He told me just how they would kill him if I didn't cooperate. Well this dude made my flesh crawl, but I figured he was telling the truth about killing John so I decided to give in, reluctantly. So basically this was the “rape”, although I did acquiesce. This guy didn’t even have enough class to remove his fancy boots. So being “raped” by a bisexual prancing around naked with his fancy boots on was definitely a surreal trip.

I left his room after the dastardly deed was done and went to see John. I told him what happened and we went over to see the other leader I had been with the day before. I told him what happened and he was very, very pissed off and said he would take care of it. Sure enough, when I went to visit John the next day the leader of the drug gang was dead. At this point I figured my coming to visit John might get even worse so it was time to say my goodbyes and get the hell out of Dodge.

I had arranged for a good lawyer for him and given him money and time and now there was little else I could do. My Mexican pilot friend/lover had arranged for me to live with a friend of his in Acapulco, a wealthy Swedish physicist, as I was going there to live for a while to continue my job working for the DEA as a contract undercover agent. I was totally free to pick and develop my own cases and worked mostly in Mexico and Colombia and occasionally in the US and Peru….until I discovered that the supposed good guys were not much better than the bad guys, but that’s a whole different story.

[Mitzvah]

Posted by WhiteCrowBlackDeer (here)

Posted by Mitzvah (here)
Unfortunately, yes, I did have thoughts of suicide, and attempts were made several more times. The times that followed the first suicide attempt, they were all more a 'cry for help,' a deadly dangerous cry for help, but I didn't actually want to die those times. I realized even then that I just wanted help, wanted it to be noticed and acted upon that I was in pain and suffering so greatly. I always take the threats of suicides by others completely seriously, because even if they don't truly want to die, sometimes they accidently kill themselves. Realizing that I didn't want to truly really die, I did for a time, become a 'cutter.' We've come so far, haven't we, in our journey here on this earth.

"I always take the threats of suicides by others completely seriously, because even if they don't truly want to die, sometimes they accidently kill themselves."

Hello Mitzvah,

I’ve experienced suicidal thoughts when my son passed. I had an elaborate plan with lots of fail-safes for it to be a success. It took months to figure it all out. Yet, I was aware there were two people talking; one mega-responsible, the other in pain.

So one last time, I dressed. The plan was a trip to my favorite book store and then end the pain. My ex-hubby happened to stop by to see how I was doing. Up to that point, I’d put on a cheery front. There was no point to pull anyone into the place I had taken up residence. Beside, it was too exhausting to go into it.

This time I was honest. I said, “I don’t think I’m going to make it. I had no labels, wife, mother; no feelings of a friend, or a sister.” Whatever words he said, the one’s in my head just drowned them out. I told him I loved him and kissed him good-bye. He asked where I was going. Bookstore.

One of my brothers happen to pop in the bookstore. He said my ex-hubby called him, and that my other brother and a sister were on their way. I was admitted into the hospital for a three day suicide watch, put on meds and I committed to long term counseling.

But for this last year, I had been experiencing something different. There was no need to be here any longer. Not a depression, just no purpose. Blank canvas of a different kind. There’s no concept in or beliefs of karma, or religion, or sense of duty to another. Only reason for staying was Wolfie, my dog. (as silly as that sounds, to some not)

So with that understanding, an inner knowing just came to be. There’s more. It’s birthing. Like Christmas morning, I like not knowing. I like the surprise of what comes up at the strangest times and the strangest discoveries. I’m like a kid again with full-on discovery of the journey. There’s great power and freedom in letting go of the control. Higher Self & 'the me'.

Thank you, Mitzvah, for creating the space for me to share this. I agree with Jeanette, “Obviously you were meant to be here.”

Peace,
Paula

Hello, Paula! It's so nice to meet you at last! Your sharing of the experience and so moving loss of your son, ach, my heart goes out to you. That kind of monumental pain, incomprehensible unless one has experienced it, can last for enormous stretches of time. Where you are now, what freedom you now experience, how liberating is that.

Your ex did a wonderful thing that day. How lucky-blessed you are to have had your family come at once to be with you and to support you through such dark times. Friends and family, those whom are our support, and we theirs, they are truly invaluable, irreplaceable. I count my blessings to be loved by those whom I know are there for me, and with me. Good ol' beautiful Wolfie! Dogs have always, always been with me on my journey. Now there's a support group, eh?

I'm so happy you've come to this understanding, the letting go in a sense, and letting 'be.' Surrendering, so life-altaring, so freeing. How wonderful to be able to walk along beside you, Paula.

[RunningDeer]

Posted by sleepy (here)
I don't have a story but a confession:

I am not enlightened. I have no recollection of any past lives. I have never traveled outside my body. (I don’t even like flying in planes). When I read Carmody’s posts, half of the time I don’t understand them. I have tried meditating only to find myself aware of the refrigerator humming or the clock ticking and I have never been connected to “the one,” “the universe” or whatever it is I am supposed to connect with. I have instincts but I am not psychic and often I find myself to be bad judge of character. I have never met an alien and I have never seen a UFO. I have never seen anyone turn into a lizard. I hear there are 11 dimensions but I have never been to parallel universe and I am probably pretty 3D. Sometimes I think others aren’t as enlightened as they think they are or they wouldn’t be so mean. I didn’t know I had an ego body but if I do I hope it is in better shape than me.

I do believe we are all connected and that much of this enlightenment stuff is just another way of saying love yourselves so you can love others.
In some ways I believe I am awake but at times reading in this forum I feel very sleepy.

Dear Sleepy,

I don't have a story but a confession:

I am not enlightened.

Me neither, just got some extra years.

I have no recollection of any past lives.

Only, one. Vagueness (Is that a word? Let’s pretend it is?) of others.

I have never traveled outside my body.

Mostly I'm a bad driver.

(I don’t even like flying in planes).

Only when needed. I'm ADD & how about those straight-jacket-seats?

When I read Carmody’s posts, half of the time I don’t understand them.

Much more than half for me. (emphasis on 'much more') I travel light...small brain.

I have tried meditating only to find myself aware of the refrigerator humming or the clock ticking and

Great, that means you don’t need to replace them!

I have never been connected to “the one,” “the universe” or whatever it is I am supposed to connect with.

Not often enough for me.

I have instincts but I am not psychic

Instincts are better.

and often I find myself to be bad judge of character.

Apply to good instincts. And maybe, you're meant to be in their life for a bit.
But give yourself permission to take a hike. Instincts again.

I have never met an alien

Me neither. (Oh an ex-boyfriend. Hence, ex-boyfriend.)

and I have never seen a UFO.

Me neither.

I have never seen anyone turn into a lizard.

Nope, no lizzys.

I hear there are 11 dimensions but I have never been to parallel universe and I am probably pretty 3D.

No comment.

Sometimes I think others aren’t as enlightened as they think they are or they wouldn’t be so mean.

That said, You, Sleepy, are enlightened...

I didn’t know I had an ego body but if I do I hope it is in better shape than me.

Sleep on that one, sleepy.

I do believe we are all connected and that much of this enlightenment stuff is just another way of saying love yourselves so you can love others.

I love you.

In some ways I believe I am awake but at times reading in this forum I feel very sleepy.

That makes two. Night, night. ZZzzzzzzzz.

Hearts and Hugs,
WhiteCrowBlackDeer

[RunningDeer]

Posted by Mitzvah (here)

Posted by WhiteCrowBlackDeer (here)

Posted by Mitzvah (here)
Unfortunately, yes, I did have thoughts of suicide, and attempts were made several more times. The times that followed the first suicide attempt, they were all more a 'cry for help,' a deadly dangerous cry for help, but I didn't actually want to die those times. I realized even then that I just wanted help, wanted it to be noticed and acted upon that I was in pain and suffering so greatly. I always take the threats of suicides by others completely seriously, because even if they don't truly want to die, sometimes they accidently kill themselves. Realizing that I didn't want to truly really die, I did for a time, become a 'cutter.' We've come so far, haven't we, in our journey here on this earth.

"I always take the threats of suicides by others completely seriously, because even if they don't truly want to die, sometimes they accidently kill themselves."

Hello Mitzvah,

I’ve experienced suicidal thoughts when my son passed. I had an elaborate plan with lots of fail-safes for it to be a success. It took months to figure it all out. Yet, I was aware there were two people talking; one mega-responsible, the other in pain.

So one last time, I dressed. The plan was a trip to my favorite book store and then end the pain. My ex-hubby happened to stop by to see how I was doing. Up to that point, I’d put on a cheery front. There was no point to pull anyone into the place I had taken up residence. Beside, it was too exhausting to go into it.

This time I was honest. I said, “I don’t think I’m going to make it. I had no labels, wife, mother; no feelings of a friend, or a sister.” Whatever words he said, the one’s in my head just drowned them out. I told him I loved him and kissed him good-bye. He asked where I was going. Bookstore.

One of my brothers happen to pop in the bookstore. He said my ex-hubby called him, and that my other brother and a sister were on their way. I was admitted into the hospital for a three day suicide watch, put on meds and I committed to long term counseling.

But for this last year, I had been experiencing something different. There was no need to be here any longer. Not a depression, just no purpose. Blank canvas of a different kind. There’s no concept in or beliefs of karma, or religion, or sense of duty to another. Only reason for staying was Wolfie, my dog. (as silly as that sounds, to some not)

So with that understanding, an inner knowing just came to be. There’s more. It’s birthing. Like Christmas morning, I like not knowing. I like the surprise of what comes up at the strangest times and the strangest discoveries. I’m like a kid again with full-on discovery of the journey. There’s great power and freedom in letting go of the control. Higher Self & 'the me'.

Thank you, Mitzvah, for creating the space for me to share this. I agree with Jeanette, “Obviously you were meant to be here.”

Peace,
Paula

Hello, Paula! It's so nice to meet you at last! Your sharing of the experience and so moving loss of your son, ach, my heart goes out to you. That kind of monumental pain, incomprehensible unless one has experienced it, can last for enormous stretches of time. Where you are now, what freedom you now experience, how liberating is that.

Your ex did a wonderful thing that day. How lucky-blessed you are to have had your family come at once to be with you and to support you through such dark times. Friends and family, those whom are our support, and we theirs, they are truly invaluable, irreplaceable. I count my blessings to be loved by those whom I know are there for me, and with me. Good ol' beautiful Wolfie! Dogs have always, always been with me on my journey. Now there's a support group, eh?

I'm so happy you've come to this understanding, the letting go in a sense, and letting 'be.' Surrendering, so life-altaring, so freeing. How wonderful to be able to walk along beside you, Paula.

Now sobbing....Joyous ones. A simple Thanks and Blessings, Mitzvah.

[another bob]

Posted by NancyV (here)
...I was going there to live for a while to continue my job working for the DEA as a contract undercover agent. I was totally free to pick and develop my own cases and worked mostly in Mexico and Colombia and occasionally in the US and Peru….until I discovered that the supposed good guys were not much better than the bad guys, but that’s a whole different story.

Wow, Nancy -- that was an incredible tale, and what a life you have had! I know you are not into doing a book, but I bet your autobiography would blow folks away! Thanks so much for sharing your stories, and the wisdom you have gleaned from your travels in and out of this world!

Blessings!

[sleepy]

I really like this thread. I just want to express my gratitude again without using the button. Thank you. WCBD, thank you for your reply.

love to all,
sleepy

[RunningDeer]

Posted by NancyV (here)
This is a story about rape with a twist. There have been several times that I’ve been kidnapped, raped, held as a prisoner for a while, but in this story I had a choice to be raped or not to be raped. I chose to agree to it, strangely enough! LOL…

My sister’s husband was arrested in the Mexico City airport for having a few pounds of cocaine he was bringing back to the US from Colombia. This was probably in about 1975, can’t remember exactly. He was in the worst Federal prison in Mexico City, Lecumberri. I went down to see if I could somehow get him out. A boyfriend/lover of mine was the personal pilot to the President of Mexico, a military man. He thought he might be able to help. As it turned out he did eventually help influence the President to agree to a prisoner exchange where my brother-in-law was returned to the US in that exchange, but that was in 1977, about a year or 2 after this incident. Just found a story about the prisoner exchange: http://www.chron.com/CDA/archives/ar...uring-70s.html

This Mexican prison was interesting in that prisoners could buy just about anything they wanted, prostitutes came in every day, you could get any kind of food, tv’s, clothing, whatever. Actually the prisoners had their own locks for the barred doors and they locked themselves in so they would be safe from other prisoners at night. There were quite a few wealthy inmates at this time, many of them were political prisoners and many were from the drug cartels. There were several different hierarchies, the two main ones being the political and drug types. Each group had many members and the leaders could buy anything they wanted, either with money or threats and occasional wars and killings. They definitely had all the guards bought and paid for.

When I first went into the prison to visit John, my brother-in-law, he started introducing me to different prisoners and showing me around. It was fascinating but little did I realize that I would draw the attention of the two most powerful leaders of the drug and political gangs. On the 3rd day of my visit John asked me if I would be willing to talk with the leader of the political prisoners. Of course I said yes since I knew it would be better for him if I did. I really liked this man. He had been thrown in jail because his politics conflicted with the President. He was an extremely cultured and wealthy gentleman and Mexican gentlemen are a rare breed. But he was still a man and he wanted me. He told me he could help protect John. I thought it over, quickly, and decided it would be a good idea for me to be very “nice” to this man. So I gave him a great time, happily. I liked him and he needed love, which I am good at giving. So he not only got sex, he got love. It really affected him and he wanted to support me in style in Mexico City so I could come in to visit him often. I had a good excuse why this wouldn’t work out for me and he understood.

The next day I was walking into the prison to visit John and as I entered the common area two men came up to me and one on each side they took an arm and told me someone wanted to talk with me. They “escorted” me to a cell that was the abode of the leader of the nasty drug gang. He was such a character, almost a caricature of some bizarre fantasy! He wore fancy boots and clothes and sort of pranced around. I got the impression that he was homosexual but soon found out that he was bi-sexual. Yes, he also wanted me! His method was to threaten my brother-in-law. He told me just how they would kill him if I didn't cooperate. Well this dude made my flesh crawl, but I figured he was telling the truth about killing John so I decided to give in, reluctantly. So basically this was the “rape”, although I did acquiesce. This guy didn’t even have enough class to remove his fancy boots. So being “raped” by a bisexual prancing around naked with his fancy boots on was definitely a surreal trip.

I left his room after the dastardly deed was done and went to see John. I told him what happened and we went over to see the other leader I had been with the day before. I told him what happened and he was very, very pissed off and said he would take care of it. Sure enough, when I went to visit John the next day the leader of the drug gang was dead. At this point I figured my coming to visit John might get even worse so it was time to say my goodbyes and get the hell out of Dodge.

I had arranged for a good lawyer for him and given him money and time and now there was little else I could do. My Mexican pilot friend/lover had arranged for me to live with a friend of his in Acapulco, a wealthy Swedish physicist, as I was going there to live for a while to continue my job working for the DEA as a contract undercover agent. I was totally free to pick and develop my own cases and worked mostly in Mexico and Colombia and occasionally in the US and Peru….until I discovered that the supposed good guys were not much better than the bad guys, but that’s a whole different story.

[Fred Steeves]

@ sleepy. We're all psychic, it's inhehent by birth, but it's been long forgotten. It's there in all of us, but it tends to be ever so subtle. One of the things that really got the ball rolling for me with all this stuff, was going to a 3 day Matrix Energetics seminar back in '08. A fascinating education in quantum physics/healing, combined with exploration of the realms of infinite possibility. You all probably see me use that term "infinite possibility" quite often. Well, that's where I got it from.

Anyway, they teach hands on, how to tune in to our faint inner senses, and trust them. With a group of maybe 300 people, there were times where they would have us get up, mingle around, and team up with various people to practice on/with. After many inconsequential sessions, I was still convinced psychic type stuff only happened to other people. Well finally one session I got paired up with this girl, and we were to slowly scan with open hands each other from head to toe, not actually touching, and then stop as soon as something, no matter how seemingly bizarre, came to mind. Then we were to tell that person something about themselves from that.

It's kind of shy at first, and we each had a couple of turns to no avail. Then, I scanned her once more, just before it was time to retake our seats. I really let my mind go this time, loosened up, and started once more from her head area going downwards. I got down to the mid arm area, felt something funny, shrugged it off as nothing, and continued on down. Going back up, at mid arm area, same thing, that ever so faint funny feeling.

As I was pausing and wondering about this, I must have had a funny look on my face, because she asked me "well, what is it?". Slightly embarassed because I just knew it was nothing, I told her anyway. "It's probably really stupid, but I keep getting something about your elbows, both of them". Her eyes got wide as saucers, and her jaw dropped. "Oh my God, when I was a little girl, I fell out of a tree, and broke both of my elbows. They still hurt sometimes!"

THAT'S how sensitive this stuff can be sleepy. Like WCBD (Paula) was saying, trust your instincts. And relax.

Cheers,
Fred

[PurpleLama]

I teach Ascension Reiki, and I have witnessed dozens upon dozens discover all manner of psychic abilities they never thought they had, before.

[PurpleLama]

Half of it is the attunements we give, which raise vibration, etc. The other half is people coming to believe that they can do it, if everyone else in the room is doing it, and they all insist I can too, then why the heck not?

[another bob]

Posted by PurpleLama (here)
I teach Ascension Reiki, and I have witnessed dozens upon dozens discover all manner of psychic abilities they never thought they had, before.

Thanks Fred and PL!

Reminds me of a time when I was working in Boston, maybe '77, and a few of us were given free passes to a Silva Mind Seminar. It was kind of rudimentary, but near the end of the seminar, we were all given five index cards with people's names on them, and we were asked to diagnose their illnesses remotely, with only the name (and maybe the state they resided), but nothing more to go on. Well, I felt into each name on the card and wrote my impressions of their particular issues, and when we were finished, the facilitator went through each card, and asked how many had said "cancer", or "broken arm" etc, and my jaw dropped when I realized that not only had I gotten all five right, but so had at least 2/3 of the class of about 30 people!

[Flash]

Posted by mariposafe (here)
In 1988 I found myself a new, beter paid job, and it looked as though our financial troubles were over and that the future was going to be rosy. Then my wife got arrested for stealing a lare number of cheques from her employer. My world fell apart, I was an honest man (too honest if truth be told), and to have the person closest to me behave like this, and publicly humiliate me to boot was too much. But ... I stuck by her, visited her in prison every fortnight for 6 months, kept our home nice, wrote to her every day and basically poured all my love into her. There was no-one I could talk to and I suffered her imprisonment in silence.

Anyway, in May 1989 she was released from prison, and I was the happiest man alive. In July, the agency I was contracting through had a big bash at a country hotel, and we went along for a good night's celebration. I was happy to have my wife back with me, and happy we could be together and have fun. During the eveining, I also danced with maybe 2 or 3 other women, quite inocuously, but when my wife and I got to our hotel room, she went ballistic (and believe me, she was one argumentative, obnoxious woman) she was screaming at me and accusing me of everything under the sun, and then she slapped my face. Something snapped and I had her on the bed, with my hands round her throat, strangling her, and I meant it. Then I saw the look in her eyes and stopped.

Did the same thing to my sister after a huge argument, she would bitch bitch bitch and bully me and I would not have the necessary agility with words. So I jumped on her to strangle her. But her eyes made me stop too.

However, I was only 6 years old. Never ever did that afterward. She remained a bully to me all the subsequent years.

[PurpleLama]

Welcome, Flash!