It Might Be Time To Fire Your Friends

[Delight]

In the lat few years, I have spent most of my time alone. I have three friends with whom I meet once a week when we have coffee and lunch together and talk for hours. We have not missed one week in three years. Of course one or another might be absent but the gathering is sacred.

We can be really unscripted and free to be natural with each other .We talk about everything having to do with our inner life, the collective appearances etc.... I feel we have no urge to fix one another's "problems" or change one another in any way. We share a similar path seeking freedom. The support has been amazing help to stay focused on the truth as it is felt and changes.

I am unmarried and unhooked from being a lover, a parent (having no children) and employment. I do have pets and feel I have a "role" with them. I am sure in "society" there are still agreements to play a "part" or "role". However, I believe we are meant to have authenticity so we don't have to act out of insincerity. In fact, Not everyone I meet is interested in my way of expressing or what I do bring and that is perfect.

I feel I am learning how to be my own real self when I am with others. This freedom is so important to me. It takes knowing one is not dependent on acknowledgement and takes respect that others are powerful and have a right to be themselves too.

Friendship is different than social role playing. If one should feel the need to perform any kind of artificial "role", one that is out of personal integrity that is what might need "firing"? I think the "contracts" that Shezbeth addressed need to be made overtly conscious. If they are not aligned with our deep truth, renegotiating or release is called in now IMO.

Real love never needs a contract and may not be calling for a present interaction. Love just IS. I have two brothers and we love one another but they are in different states and we often never talk. I consider my brothers real friends too.

Loyalty based on dependence can feel suffocating IMO. So, I say to myself: the most revolutionary way of being in society is feeling what I feel, honoring my knowing and acting only from my own understanding. IMO our power is that when we follow this "Truthiness Formula", only the people able to rise to their own realness can hang out in our field?

When I was married, looking back, I see how different my awareness was at that time. I was much less conscious of my own inner nature. We might well have divorced if he had lived, and one of us had changed away from our "agreement"? Perfection is not the point and impermanence is key. Meetings and partings from individuals is natural.

The biggest and most freeing step is confidence that we will never be alone. Fear of being abandoned, isolated and alone is a core human condition that imprisons us in roles no longer suited IMO. The fear comes from having abandoned our own inner being IMO. Friendship is wonderful when one befriends oneself first.

[Snookie]

I have only deliberately fired two people in my life.

One was a friend who would call and talk incessantly for hours about her life, constantly needing reassurance about absolutely everything. I didn't realize how draining she was when I was single and had lots of time to listen to her "problems".

However, after I got married and had a sick baby, she would still call & prattle on about her all her problems never asking once how my baby was. Finally one day it came to a head, I had been avoiding her calls for a while, because I could never seem to get off the phone with her. I answered the phone and she started droning on, it was time to feed the little one and I told her I had to go as my baby was hungry. She actually got offended, and said "OK, I'll never call again". Dead silence on my end. She hung up, and that's the last time I spoke to her.

The second was my husband who was a gambler who didn't want to quit, and I finally decided I was tired of supporting him. I was also tired of him constantly belittling me and making me question myself. I found proof he was gambling, photo copied everything and told him if he didn't sign the separation agreement, I would charge him with embezzlement, which he did.

Two of the best decisions I ever made. I couldn't believe what a weight was lifted off me, especially after ditching the ex. Amazing how much energy physic vampires can suck from you!

[rgray222]

Posted by Delight (here)
The biggest and most freeing step is confidence that we will never be alone. Fear of being abandoned, isolated and alone is a core human condition that imprisons us in roles no longer suited IMO. The fear comes from having abandoned our own inner being IMO. Friendship is wonderful when one befriends oneself first.

Hi Delight
I enjoyed your post, it seem to be a very honest assessment of your current friendships. It sounds like your reaching a peaceful place in your life and for that I applaud you.

I am always amazed that so many people have a fear of being alone. I understand it but in my opinion it is unwarranted. Many people complain about being lonely but they make no effort to get out and meet people. Others are terrified of not having a mate, this (I believe) says that they insecure in their own company.

I know this phrase is as worn out as an old doormat but "you can't truly love someone if you don't love yourself". That also holds true for friendships. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you get into any solid relationship.

Many people feed on their fear of being alone that they never take the time to examine how they feel when they are by themselves. That fear gets so overwhelming at times that they can think of little else. That fear also leads to self pity and sadness. It really is unfortunate because being 'with' yourself can be a very rewarding and introspective time.

People should see how they feel after spending time alone, if someone feels sad, lonely and miserable maybe 'they' are the problem. If people just sit around feeling sorry for themselves and feel like they are not deserving of happiness than nothing good will happen.
Richard

[Sean]

Good thread. All I know is, I
've been a good friend to people. However, when I went through hard times, most of my "friends" turned their back. Some acted like they never knew me. So, yes..don't just let them go, evict their asses from your life with extreme prejudice, and NEVER LET THEM NEAR YOU AGAIN.

[Delight]

Posted by rgray222 (here)

Posted by Delight (here)
The biggest and most freeing step is confidence that we will never be alone. Fear of being abandoned, isolated and alone is a core human condition that imprisons us in roles no longer suited IMO. The fear comes from having abandoned our own inner being IMO. Friendship is wonderful when one befriends oneself first.

Hi Delight
I enjoyed your post, it seem to be a very honest assessment of your current friendships. It sounds like your reaching a peaceful place in your life and for that I applaud you.

I am always amazed that so many people have a fear of being alone. I understand it but in my opinion it is unwarranted. Many people complain about being lonely but they make no effort to get out and meet people. Others are terrified of not having a mate, this (I believe) says that they insecure in their own company.

I know this phrase is as worn out as an old doormat but "you can't truly love someone if you don't love yourself". That also holds true for friendships. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you get into any solid relationship.

Many people feed on their fear of being alone that they never take the time to examine how they feel when they are by themselves. That fear gets so overwhelming at times that they can think of little else. That fear also leads to self pity and sadness. It really is unfortunate because being 'with' yourself can be a very rewarding and introspective time.

People should see how they feel after spending time alone, if someone feels sad, lonely and miserable maybe 'they' are the problem. If people just sit around feeling sorry for themselves and feel like they are not deserving of happiness than nothing good will happen.
Richard

Thanks Richard,

I agree. But the irony is that sometimes we get "kicked out" of our familiar place with people. It feels like we ARE abandoned, isolated and alone. Then we have to learn that WE are the ones we must befriend and then LATER we are so relaxed about our own company that we attract people who are "good friends" and we reciprocate.

In case it looks like all this is just a piece of cake...NO it's dirt in the mouth when one has fallen flat on the ground. My advice to my earlier self is to just grieve and moan and get that over with.

If betrayal is a paradoxical gift (and frankly as enlightened as one might believe one is, death feels like betrayal TOO when it means we get literally left behind the veil), it is only appreciated after the healing.

I feel so happy now that I am a testimony to hard knocks that can be thrived beyond. But I will never pretend I didn't learn this the hard "dark night" way and it took YEARS. Most people will not be as stubborn in refusing to move on with life. Bless us all every one...life feels crappy many days.

One more thing, it is also easy to feel that one gives a great deal and it is not appreciated or reciprocated in our relationships. This seems like its true especially when one loves narcissists. But, I am sensing now in my oh so elevated position of hind sight...what we give in love never is lost. What we give to get will never be returned. That is the secret of lovers like ones I aspire to become.

[Shezbeth]

My recent experience has included a number of individuals who have attempted and/or sought to establish a friendship and yet who very clearly and obviously display characteristics and behaviors which I am unwilling to tolerate. In particular I have a co-worker/significant other of a close friend of my sworn who repeatedly and insistently displays nauseatingly sycophantic and emotionally manipulative behaviors I am unwilling to tolerate. He is entitled to behave however he wishes but I exercise the right to not allow such nonsense in my proximity, and have been privately denounced and reputed for my unwillingness.

The fellow appears very simple and non-threatening to the unwary and gets along with many individuals in and around the community. I don't feel it appropriate to call him out on his manipulative tactics and practices, and have been dubbed 'aloof' and/or 'thinking I am better than others' for my unwillingness to participate. I have observed subtle cues from which I can reasonably conclude that this has begun to affect my reputation at work; if so, so be it. I have compromised my personally sovereign best interests to my detriment in the past, and will accept externally-imposed adversity over internally.

[Ahnung-quay]

I was practicing the art of detachment quite nicely following the methods of the Toltec Jaguar Warriors when I agreed to befriend a man. He immediately wanted much more and pushed an intimate relationship.

I reluctantly agreed despite warning bells. For awhile things were fine and I felt that we were working toward a solid relationship and future together. This man has no concept of detachment with in love which I had successfully accomplished from another prior long-term relationship that was very hurtful.

Now, I've just went through round two of being questioned up and down about this previous relationship even though I've gone above and beyond in trying to maintain honesty and truth in my life and relationships. I stand accused of being a liar.

I'm pretty much done. Better to be alone and love yourself than try to be with someone who doesn't understand what real love is. The good thing is, it's my choice.

[AutumnW]

The old canard, "you can't love anybody else until you love yourself" is backwards and defines self regard, self respect, and or contentment with self as self 'love'. Love is something you feel for other beings. Also, the expression makes more sense if it is turned around. "You can't have self regard until somebody loves you". Self regard does not happen in a vacuum.

As well, the experience of being alone through choice, for a time is exquisite. The experience of having bonds suddenly severed or realizing they were never there in the first place, is devastating. People who have incurred this shock are not self pitying. They are in shock and or demoralized.

[AutumnW]

Posted by workingactor (here)
Good thread. All I know is, I
've been a good friend to people. However, when I went through hard times, most of my "friends" turned their back. Some acted like they never knew me. So, yes..don't just let them go, evict their asses from your life with extreme prejudice, and NEVER LET THEM NEAR YOU AGAIN.

I have not had this exact experience but understand it is rife in the entertainment industry. I feel for anybody having to work in this atmosphere because you are indeed, surrounded by a**ho**s! If you could expand more on your experiences, without naming names, I would be fascinated. I feel that one of the reasons so many actors and actresses, particularly ones who climb quickly through the ranks, end up with terrible drug problems is partly due to all of the great 'friends' they acquire.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be surrounded by blood sucking ticks, masquerading as friends and sucking up to you, day after day. YUK!!

[Zaya]

This thread reminds me of the "30 traits of an empath" thread we had going about a month ago. We had a discussion in that thread about narcissistic vampires clinging to empaths and sucking their energy away. I think a lot of us here on Avalon are more empathic than most since we are "attuned" to more in general. The problem with cutting out friends when you are an empath is that you have a super hard time hurting someone's feelings and you can feel their hurt, so you end up either chickening out or doing it and reconciling just to be hurt again. I had this problem with one person in particular. It was a terrible cycle of disconnecting (on my end) and being roped back in over and over and over.

My best friendship advice to those of you out there is to find a way to still feel love for those toxic people but don't let them know you feel it. Cut them out, wish for the best for them, but keep it cold with them or else they will see an open door and TAKE IT.

[Carmody]

One thing I find very interesting is that if one is quite stable and capable of deep insight into the human condition, including their own..and has a developed ability to live in honesty of self, all the way through the levels of consciousness: that potential partners dwindle in number, exponentially, logarithmically from the center point of 'normal' awareness.

If one focuses on a person for a second or two, as a potential look at a person, as a potential partner, that this level of separation is viewed by some as incomprehensible, creepy, layered in confusion for them, as if I was hiding something. As the reflection of it has them staring into the muddied grey of themselves.

[Delight]

Posted by Carmody (here)
One thing I find very interesting is that if one is quite stable and capable of deep insight into the human condition, including their own..and has a developed ability to live in honesty of self, all the way through the levels of consciousness: that potential partners dwindle in number, exponentially, logarithmically from the center point of 'normal' awareness.

If one focuses on a person for a second or two, as a potential look at a person, as a potential partner, that this level of separation is viewed by some as incomprehensible, creepy, layered in confusion for them, as if I was hiding something. As the reflection of it has them staring into the muddied grey of themselves.

I challenge one aspect of what I understood from the post.
Yes, in a way potential partners diminish by our own state of certainty of what is important. Just for example, I am 59 and I would be totally disinterested in friends or partners who believe in certain things. I don't judge the interest in drinking beer and watching foot ball but I would be bored by participation, by church affiliation and all kinds of activities. Behind the activities, I would feel frustrated by "belief systems" and goals that I don't share. That is my own value system at work. Every one has a value system. It does no good to try to change other's values.

Maybe your value system is not aligned with the people you see and you are testing it for how well it fits your goals. I had a male friend who used being awake as like a"punishing judgement" on women he met. The women he met, who being young, liked parties, makeup and romance were confronted by him. They all ran off from the man. He felt alone and yet he was the one who made the interactions difficult. He wanted the possibility of a relationship but only on his terms.

This look back that seems like a

level of separation is viewed by some as incomprehensible, creepy, layered in confusion for them, as if I was hiding something. As the reflection of it has them staring into the muddied grey of themselves.

is IMO the other perspective looking back and saying just the same thing.... dis-interesting to my value system.

IF one wanted, one could have any partner one is willing to forge a common reason for interacting.
I recently realized that I was polarized by "making" things wrong and the polarizing was projected onto others. I am sure we are responsible for any perceived negative response. I also have a friend who has worked out with his girlfriend that he just enjoys his being alive in her presence and stops thinking anything. She is happy and he is happy. They "do" things together but don't analyze "mental concepts"as that was the cut off between them.

It really can be possible to change our reality by changing our perceptions IMO. For one thing, I would suggest we stop focusing on everything we dislike and just full tilt go for what we do enjoy and then we will meet others we share commonalities. IMO this is what is being explored...the full on development of nonpolarized stance and that fruit. Life could be wasted by too much mental conceptualization?

[AutumnW]

Delight, think less, dance more! Right?

[Delight]

Posted by AutumnW (here)
Delight, think less, dance more! Right?

That and whatever else feels good to do! My pets know what they like but I forget?

[ThePythonicCow]

Posted by Carmody (here)
One thing I find very interesting is that if one is quite stable and capable of deep insight into the human condition, including their own..and has a developed ability to live in honesty of self, all the way through the levels of consciousness: that potential partners dwindle in number, exponentially, logarithmically from the center point of 'normal' awareness.

I like to think of humanity like the points (atoms) in a multi-dimensional splined ball, plotting the various attributes, interests, preferences, views, properties, etc that distinguish humans from each other.

Potential partners are those who are, in most of these dimensions (such as age, wealth, health, geo-location, capabilities, religion, ...) similar, but in a few dimensions (such as, for most of us, gender) opposites. The humans (atoms in my model) similar to each other are (physically) closer to each other, and more likely to be potential partners.

"Normal" people tend to be closer to the center of this multi-dimensional space, and have lots of neighbors.

"Weird" people are further out on the splines, and have fewer neighbors.

It's like this splined ball ... only in higher dimensions (more partially independent variables) and probably with less symmetry:

[Sidney]

For me, I went through many stages. At one point I thought I must just me smarter than everyone else and I started this thread.
https://projectavalon.net/forum4/show...ht=superiority

Not quite the same subject matter but same concept, . But there are lots of good insights there.

Now, I have settled in to my private little quiet beingness. Its still not easy, but I am not blinded by shock anymore. lol

[Ahnung-quay]

I have to agree with Carmody on this one. It seems that the longer one travels a path toward enlightenment, the more the field of potential partners diminishes. True enlightenment encourages the initiate to step outside of themselves and become the observer. That is detachment. In doing that, one no longer wishes to play the games that most people want to play in relationships. One no longer feels a need to fit in to society or a social group because there is self reliance and inner security.

I have a few spiritual friends and that is good for me. I would like to share a partnership with someone but, I don't know if I'll ever find anyone that is even willing to try to understand the level that I'm on. I am saying this with utmost humility as I truly do not think that I'm "better" than anyone else, just more advanced in some ways.

[Wind]

Posted by Ahnung-quay (here)
I have to agree with Carmody on this one. It seems that the longer one travels a path toward enlightenment, the more the field of potential partners diminishes. True enlightenment encourages the initiate to step outside of themselves and become the observer. That is detachment. In doing that, one no longer wishes to play the games that most people want to play in relationships. One no longer feels a need to fit in to society or a social group because there is self reliance and inner security.

I have a few spiritual friends and that is good for me. I would like to share a partnership with someone but, I don't know if I'll ever find anyone that is even willing to try to understand the level that I'm on. I am saying this with utmost humility as I truly do not think that I'm "better" than anyone else, just more advanced in some ways.

That is true, even though many enlightened beings do and can have partners in their lives, it's not that they really need to have another person in their life. I guess pets too can fulfill that function? My dog is my mentor, it is the guardian of being. Society today mostly consists of younger or mature souls who are interested in the so called life and all the drama and action... Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Older souls (more experienced, not better) mostly are interested in self-reflection and in the path to enlightenment and society views this as strange and not many people understand it. Western society is mostly focused on materialism, rationality and pure logic. If one goes to the east seeking spirituality, the attitude amongst the people there is very different compared to us here. One could say that western society has become totally unattached from nature and basic spirituality, it seeks the answers from the outside world which is always transient and never can bring everlasting fulfilment.

Also people who attain to seek enlightenment and peace of mind can be seen as elitist or spiritually egoic, but that is only ones judgement which comes from the ego. The less ego you have, which mean attachment the less you have interests in the mundane and let alone you want to judge other people. You just want to be left alone and enjoy the peace and of course like-minded companions are always preferred... But I do mostly prefer animals. If that is considered being arrogant then so be it.

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=_C6CnSNdTuk

[ElfeMya]

I relate to this. It is not because nobody sees what is going on that you should cave in and let that person manipulate you. Good on you !

[scanner]

I've been on this path for many years , I didn't realize how many vampires had latched on . I currently have no immediate friends, my family keep this crazy person at arms length . It's liberating , I can do whatever I like, go wherever I like , when I like . First there was anger , then there was acceptance , now there is peace and freedom , finally .